It's Parent Observation Week at dance - the opportunity to sit in on classes and see what the girls do... gives me a chance to take pics and record some video... fun stuff... I think I need a new camera!
10.20.2009
10.19.2009
Verklempt
Forgive me for a moment, I'm a little overcome with emotion... you see... um.... give me just a tiny moment here.... my son... is, um, helping my daughter... um.... study! It's such a beautiful thing - he's helping her with science - going over bonds and chemical stuff and balancing electrons or something like that... all I really know is he's being so patient and she's not complaining and perhaps, just perhaps, she's learning something. I'm so proud - my heart, my friends, is full. sigh.
This, I do believe, is the beauty of having them eight years apart. I have had folks look at me and ask me if I was crazy - why on earth, they would say, would you have them so far apart. Well, um... that really wasn't the plan ya' know. The plan was to have them five years apart but life and my body didn't cooperate and I had them eight years apart instead - and it's been a wonderful thing for me, thank you very much. The expense side of it has been good - no one has been in any kind of activity at the same time, and college - well... I have a few years after his graduation to contend with her (hopefully) impending attendance.
I can hear them back there in his room... soft voices, him asking her a question and her answering - every once in a while a little 14 year old girl giggle breaks the gentle murmur. They've been at it a while... and it's not so much I couldn't have helped her because somehow I got him through school, but he's the science boy - he's my chemistry, physics, killer math man and he understands all this stuff much more easily than I do... I would have had to look back over the book and the notes to help me understand it. The funny thing too, is I actually think he wanted to help her - imagine that! And it's a learning thing for both of them - learning in the sense that she's getting quality time with a wonderful male role model and he's learning what it means to mentor someone - perhaps one day it will serve him well as he parents his own children.
My mom always said she didn't really think someone was a parent until they had more than one child. I think most of the time that observation was a dig at my mother in law, who only had the one. I don't really agree with that - for eight years I had one child and I was as much a parent then as I am now. I think the coolest thing about having more than one child though is getting to sit back and observe the interaction between them. Yeah I know, it's not always pretty... that whole sibling rivalry thing, but hey, wanna know a little secret -having them so far apart in age really cut down on that little problem too, ha! As a parent though it's been an awesome thing to see the tenderness between them - the way she looks up to him and how protective he is of her. He supports her and is there for her and she adores him and thinks he hung the moon. Pretty cool... another moment to keep and ponder in my heart. I am blessed.
This, I do believe, is the beauty of having them eight years apart. I have had folks look at me and ask me if I was crazy - why on earth, they would say, would you have them so far apart. Well, um... that really wasn't the plan ya' know. The plan was to have them five years apart but life and my body didn't cooperate and I had them eight years apart instead - and it's been a wonderful thing for me, thank you very much. The expense side of it has been good - no one has been in any kind of activity at the same time, and college - well... I have a few years after his graduation to contend with her (hopefully) impending attendance.
I can hear them back there in his room... soft voices, him asking her a question and her answering - every once in a while a little 14 year old girl giggle breaks the gentle murmur. They've been at it a while... and it's not so much I couldn't have helped her because somehow I got him through school, but he's the science boy - he's my chemistry, physics, killer math man and he understands all this stuff much more easily than I do... I would have had to look back over the book and the notes to help me understand it. The funny thing too, is I actually think he wanted to help her - imagine that! And it's a learning thing for both of them - learning in the sense that she's getting quality time with a wonderful male role model and he's learning what it means to mentor someone - perhaps one day it will serve him well as he parents his own children.
My mom always said she didn't really think someone was a parent until they had more than one child. I think most of the time that observation was a dig at my mother in law, who only had the one. I don't really agree with that - for eight years I had one child and I was as much a parent then as I am now. I think the coolest thing about having more than one child though is getting to sit back and observe the interaction between them. Yeah I know, it's not always pretty... that whole sibling rivalry thing, but hey, wanna know a little secret -having them so far apart in age really cut down on that little problem too, ha! As a parent though it's been an awesome thing to see the tenderness between them - the way she looks up to him and how protective he is of her. He supports her and is there for her and she adores him and thinks he hung the moon. Pretty cool... another moment to keep and ponder in my heart. I am blessed.
10.15.2009
So Predictable
You know that old adage: eyes in the back of her head? My mom would always say that to my brother and me when we’d be express our amazement over her catching us doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing. She’d always seem to know – like she was omniscient or something! We’d no sooner start getting into something we were more than likely not supposed to be getting into and we’d hear her voice questioning us. I can remember on occasion just looking at my brother and saying, “How on earth did she know?” I didn’t get it until I was older and had children of my own… and then it was clear as it could be how she knew – and, of course, it had nothing to do with eyes in the back of her head.
My kids would sometimes question me when I would catch them too… and I’d laugh, repeat that line, and smile to myself – and my kids, probably smarter and more savvy than my brother and me, would say something like, “Umm… no, really, how did you know?” And I would tell them the truth: kids are predictable. We aren’t really all that clever and unique, none of us. Kids try the same stuff – over and over again… and it’s ok, really, because that’s how they learn. They try it, they get held accountable for it, they suffer whatever appropriate consequence, and they learn. My theory on parenting anyway –
But it’s occurred to me recently that adults are no different – someone said to me a few months back, “You have an instinct about stuff, you ask questions when you already know the answers” or something to that effect… and it’s not so much that really but, perhaps, more that people are predictable – we do the same stuff over and over -we aren’t really all that unique. And perhaps when I ask questions and am looking for answers when I might already know them I’m simply trying to get someone to be honest with me. That could be wrong though, I might be looking for verification or some sort of proof that my thinking isn’t flawed. You see if every time in the past this same thing has happened and if every time in the past the reason has been because of this one thing, then the likelihood it’s happening now is all the same. It’s logic – it can be predicted. Just because one variable is changed doesn’t mean the outcome is changed. There is a pattern to life, it’s all human nature… the human condition so to speak… and it never changes.
Some of my ex’s favorite movies are the Matrix movies – and I find them entertaining enough. Ex, I think, looked at them a lot differently than I did. He liked to analyze and pick apart the ideas and philosophy of the themes and finer points conveyed in the brilliant minds of the creators of the movies. He would say sometimes how he wondered if he weren’t asleep, stuck in a pod someplace, trying to break free, and rebelling in some way to the forced existence he was living. Duh, I should have really gotten it then huh? And while I can see how someone could pick it all apart and analyze it the way he did, maybe still does, the one thing in the movie that struck me as the most interesting was the idea that when the machines first took over and placed folks in pods and started farming the innate, natural electrical output people produced, they did so by making life drama free… making the thoughts they placed in their heads all about harmony and peace and perfection. They took the mythical Utopia and turned it into a quasi reality and the minds of the folks in the pods rebelled. Imagine that!
I think there is some truth to that premise though. I don’t think, as human beings, we are comfortable with living a calm, undramatic existence. I think we’re constantly on ever vigilant alert, waiting, wondering, watching. I think we distrust peace. Sad thought huh? And I know, please don’t get me wrong, I know there are people who ache for the calm quite boring moments in life… people who dream of easy and thoughtful and comforting. I think I’m one, for the most part. But it keeps eluding me and I’m not sure if it’s something I’m doing or it’s just how it is. I crave mundane and boring – but I guess the truth is I have it… but, at the same time, I don’t have the comfort of peace because once upon a time I learned there is a disconnect between what is said and what is done. Once upon a time I learned the bottom can fall out and you can lose it all. That’s my predictable. It makes me sad, but it’s the way it is… and nothing, and no one, has proved the logic wrong. This late in the game, I’m not sure anything ever will.
My kids would sometimes question me when I would catch them too… and I’d laugh, repeat that line, and smile to myself – and my kids, probably smarter and more savvy than my brother and me, would say something like, “Umm… no, really, how did you know?” And I would tell them the truth: kids are predictable. We aren’t really all that clever and unique, none of us. Kids try the same stuff – over and over again… and it’s ok, really, because that’s how they learn. They try it, they get held accountable for it, they suffer whatever appropriate consequence, and they learn. My theory on parenting anyway –
But it’s occurred to me recently that adults are no different – someone said to me a few months back, “You have an instinct about stuff, you ask questions when you already know the answers” or something to that effect… and it’s not so much that really but, perhaps, more that people are predictable – we do the same stuff over and over -we aren’t really all that unique. And perhaps when I ask questions and am looking for answers when I might already know them I’m simply trying to get someone to be honest with me. That could be wrong though, I might be looking for verification or some sort of proof that my thinking isn’t flawed. You see if every time in the past this same thing has happened and if every time in the past the reason has been because of this one thing, then the likelihood it’s happening now is all the same. It’s logic – it can be predicted. Just because one variable is changed doesn’t mean the outcome is changed. There is a pattern to life, it’s all human nature… the human condition so to speak… and it never changes.
Some of my ex’s favorite movies are the Matrix movies – and I find them entertaining enough. Ex, I think, looked at them a lot differently than I did. He liked to analyze and pick apart the ideas and philosophy of the themes and finer points conveyed in the brilliant minds of the creators of the movies. He would say sometimes how he wondered if he weren’t asleep, stuck in a pod someplace, trying to break free, and rebelling in some way to the forced existence he was living. Duh, I should have really gotten it then huh? And while I can see how someone could pick it all apart and analyze it the way he did, maybe still does, the one thing in the movie that struck me as the most interesting was the idea that when the machines first took over and placed folks in pods and started farming the innate, natural electrical output people produced, they did so by making life drama free… making the thoughts they placed in their heads all about harmony and peace and perfection. They took the mythical Utopia and turned it into a quasi reality and the minds of the folks in the pods rebelled. Imagine that!
I think there is some truth to that premise though. I don’t think, as human beings, we are comfortable with living a calm, undramatic existence. I think we’re constantly on ever vigilant alert, waiting, wondering, watching. I think we distrust peace. Sad thought huh? And I know, please don’t get me wrong, I know there are people who ache for the calm quite boring moments in life… people who dream of easy and thoughtful and comforting. I think I’m one, for the most part. But it keeps eluding me and I’m not sure if it’s something I’m doing or it’s just how it is. I crave mundane and boring – but I guess the truth is I have it… but, at the same time, I don’t have the comfort of peace because once upon a time I learned there is a disconnect between what is said and what is done. Once upon a time I learned the bottom can fall out and you can lose it all. That’s my predictable. It makes me sad, but it’s the way it is… and nothing, and no one, has proved the logic wrong. This late in the game, I’m not sure anything ever will.
10.13.2009
Tuesday
Yeah - exciting title I know - the best I can do right now. Sorry.
So on to the real topic for this evening:
Ok, it's like this - I'm not in a bad place or a bad mood - I just can't shake this feeling of dread... like something is hanging over my head, hovering, waiting - and I don't know if it's bad or good - I suspect bad, but don't know for sure. I'm anxious, about what I'm not sure... I just am - and I thought it would go away but it hasn't - and I'm just trying to wait it out.... but it's sorta hanging on and I don't know if it's me being paranoid or intuitive.
This date is looming, maybe that’s it? Although I’ve not really thought much about it other than what I’m going to wear – I truly have no expectations whatsoever about it – no thoughts that this is something promising for the future – it’s one evening – that’s it. Or maybe it’s concerns for a friend (or two) who I’ve been worried about… but those are others, not me… and this – this is some kind of something to do with me… like there’s a huge change coming or I’m slowly realizing it’s never gonna change and this is what giving up feels like... I don't know.
I'm not the hard-ass-I-don't-need-nobody-mz independent-loner I think most people see me as. The therapist and I talked about that - talked about how while I might not be that it's quite possible it's the persona I project. I don't disagree with her, I've thought of that myself, but... but... but... I'm not so sure I've had much of a choice in the matter. I'd love nothing more than to have a soft place to land... a warm hand to hold... a strong shoulder to lay my head on once in a while - but like I've said before, it's not just not been "in the cards for me" right now, and it might never be... and I think, when I feel like I do right now, that it becomes more painful that I don't have someone to just share it with - not fix it, not make it go away - just share it with...
I have a wonderful friend - a woman I used to work with - she's an artist - a beautiful woman with a wonderful spirit. She had a really rough marriage, abusive in many ways, even if he never physically hit her (which it's possible he did, I'm not sure). One day she left him, just walked out the door, leaving a lot behind. For years now she's been alone, afraid to open herself up, let someone else in... even though I've had a feeling for a while now she'd be someone who would find it all... be the happily ever after - and well, she recently reconnected with someone she knew thirty+ years ago (she's in her late 50's). I've never seen her happier! She said she doesn't know what's going to happen - doesn't know where it's necessarily headed - but she said to feel this wonderful again - to have hope and love and promise after having so little... she said it feels like a gift - and she doesn't want to overlook the blessing by being afraid. She said to me something akin to what the therapist said a while back.... the therapist said connecting, truly connecting with another person, is a rare and wonderful thing... she said it's not something to take for granted - when we find it, when we're blessed enough to experience it, we shouldn't ignore it. So I wish for my dear artistic friend a future of unfathonable love and hope and promise...
It was the second belly dancing class... more shimming, this time with the shoulders and she said - I kid you not - it is okay to shake the "girls" and I laughed 'cause I got a whole lotta "girl" to shake - we got our coin skirts tonight too! I picked out a lavender one with silver coins. It's so pretty! Belly dancing is really more difficult than I thought it would be. Oh, please don't get me wrong, I didn't think it would be super simple but I didn't realize that shaking your hips is really not about shaking your hips - it's more about pushing hips down and bending knees. It's a lot about disjointing body parts and moving them in fluid but separate motions. It's been good exercise - and hey, is it bad to say my favorite part is all the stretching we do before and after?
So on to the real topic for this evening:
Ok, it's like this - I'm not in a bad place or a bad mood - I just can't shake this feeling of dread... like something is hanging over my head, hovering, waiting - and I don't know if it's bad or good - I suspect bad, but don't know for sure. I'm anxious, about what I'm not sure... I just am - and I thought it would go away but it hasn't - and I'm just trying to wait it out.... but it's sorta hanging on and I don't know if it's me being paranoid or intuitive.
This date is looming, maybe that’s it? Although I’ve not really thought much about it other than what I’m going to wear – I truly have no expectations whatsoever about it – no thoughts that this is something promising for the future – it’s one evening – that’s it. Or maybe it’s concerns for a friend (or two) who I’ve been worried about… but those are others, not me… and this – this is some kind of something to do with me… like there’s a huge change coming or I’m slowly realizing it’s never gonna change and this is what giving up feels like... I don't know.
I'm not the hard-ass-I-don't-need-nobody-mz independent-loner I think most people see me as. The therapist and I talked about that - talked about how while I might not be that it's quite possible it's the persona I project. I don't disagree with her, I've thought of that myself, but... but... but... I'm not so sure I've had much of a choice in the matter. I'd love nothing more than to have a soft place to land... a warm hand to hold... a strong shoulder to lay my head on once in a while - but like I've said before, it's not just not been "in the cards for me" right now, and it might never be... and I think, when I feel like I do right now, that it becomes more painful that I don't have someone to just share it with - not fix it, not make it go away - just share it with...
I have a wonderful friend - a woman I used to work with - she's an artist - a beautiful woman with a wonderful spirit. She had a really rough marriage, abusive in many ways, even if he never physically hit her (which it's possible he did, I'm not sure). One day she left him, just walked out the door, leaving a lot behind. For years now she's been alone, afraid to open herself up, let someone else in... even though I've had a feeling for a while now she'd be someone who would find it all... be the happily ever after - and well, she recently reconnected with someone she knew thirty+ years ago (she's in her late 50's). I've never seen her happier! She said she doesn't know what's going to happen - doesn't know where it's necessarily headed - but she said to feel this wonderful again - to have hope and love and promise after having so little... she said it feels like a gift - and she doesn't want to overlook the blessing by being afraid. She said to me something akin to what the therapist said a while back.... the therapist said connecting, truly connecting with another person, is a rare and wonderful thing... she said it's not something to take for granted - when we find it, when we're blessed enough to experience it, we shouldn't ignore it. So I wish for my dear artistic friend a future of unfathonable love and hope and promise...
10.06.2009
Belly Dancing
Ok... I know inquiring minds wanna know - and no... there will be no pictures, but yes, the class was this evening and it was fun! The teeny tiny lady who was the instructor was calm and patient. There are eight of us in the class.
There was soft Middle Eastern music and we shared a few coin skirts between us, ours haven't arrived yet but should be here next week. We were told to be barefoot and she had us stretch out some, limber us up and then she started with the hands - she taught us how to hold our hands while we danced. Then we did a shoulder roll and we practiced it for a while, making sure we used our shoulders more than our arms. Then, once she felt we had the hang of that, we did snake arms... that was a little harder, I could do the right side really well but my left, well it sorta had a mind of its own... not sure why I felt like I needed to do more of a swimming motion than a snake motion. After we practiced each side separately she had us to them one after the other... that, my friends was a little harder - sorta like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. It took just a little while to figure out how to put them both in synch. Then we moved onto the shimmy. The trick in doing this was to bend the knees, one and then the other, to make the very front of stomach shimmy, and not your hips or butt. Wearing the coin skirt helped with this - gave motivation for getting it right, the more correctly you moved the more sound you made!
She ended the class by giving us a demonstration of a dance she did. It was fascinating. I'm looking forward to learning more - to putting it all together. But first, she said our homework was to practice those things we learned tonight - perfect them for the next class. I will tell you, I can already feel how sore I'm going to be - holding the arms up while doing that shoulder roll thing was like some kind of torture experience... but I'll be back next week. What can it hurt, right? Well besides physically? lol!
There was soft Middle Eastern music and we shared a few coin skirts between us, ours haven't arrived yet but should be here next week. We were told to be barefoot and she had us stretch out some, limber us up and then she started with the hands - she taught us how to hold our hands while we danced. Then we did a shoulder roll and we practiced it for a while, making sure we used our shoulders more than our arms. Then, once she felt we had the hang of that, we did snake arms... that was a little harder, I could do the right side really well but my left, well it sorta had a mind of its own... not sure why I felt like I needed to do more of a swimming motion than a snake motion. After we practiced each side separately she had us to them one after the other... that, my friends was a little harder - sorta like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. It took just a little while to figure out how to put them both in synch. Then we moved onto the shimmy. The trick in doing this was to bend the knees, one and then the other, to make the very front of stomach shimmy, and not your hips or butt. Wearing the coin skirt helped with this - gave motivation for getting it right, the more correctly you moved the more sound you made!
She ended the class by giving us a demonstration of a dance she did. It was fascinating. I'm looking forward to learning more - to putting it all together. But first, she said our homework was to practice those things we learned tonight - perfect them for the next class. I will tell you, I can already feel how sore I'm going to be - holding the arms up while doing that shoulder roll thing was like some kind of torture experience... but I'll be back next week. What can it hurt, right? Well besides physically? lol!
Choreography Fun
And you can see her feet too!
Belly dancing starts tonight... there won't be any video of that showing up here! That's all gonna be a lot of private humor... not for public consumption. I'll let y'all know how it goes though, I'm sure I can convey all the fun and comedy with words instead of pictures.
10.03.2009
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