Control

I've always liked this song... In My Life...

Ever been asked to do that little exercise where you write down words to describe who you are? You know... like mother, daughter, sister, friend, American, Southerner, Presbyterian, volunteer... etc, etc, and so forth. It seems to be the kind of thing you do in team building groups as a way to introduce and get to know one another. The challenge becomes coming up with more and more seemingly obscure words in an attempt to really examine who you are and I guess highlight the uniqueness that we all possess. At the same time, this little game shows how we all are really more connected than we may think. Silly I know but it's what I thought of while I was formulating this blog post in my head - there is a method to my madness even if I'm the only one who sees it.

So one word used to describe me is Presbyterian. My parents are of what I guess people would call a mixed faith marriage - my dad grew up staunchly Catholic and is now nonpracticing yet still very ingrained in the Catholic tradition. I'm not sure my mother really grew up anything although I might be wrong. At some point mom started taking us to a Baptist church and that's what I grew up in... but I never really felt comfortable there. Ex had grown up Presbyterian and wasn't about to join a Baptist church - you see he'd been baptized once and wasn't about to be again - so when we decided to get married he said we would be Presbyterian. And since I had no strong attachment to the Baptist faith I agreed. It was odd, at first, going to a different denominational protestant church. The Presbyterian church we attended down in Columbia was lovely and the service was very traditional... very ordered - and I found I liked that. One part of the service was a mystery to me though - corporately reciting the Apostle's Creed. Week after week I worked at memorizing it because it seemed everyone else knew it by heart and me, well I was having to read it from the hymnal. I didn't like that - made me feel sorta fake - a fake Presbyterian. So I learned it - bits and pieces at a time until I had it all down - and now - 22 years later - it's permanently imprinted on my brain.

I've learned a new coping mechanism over the last several years; whenever I need to distract my mind from something - some thought, some idea - I will take to reciting the Apostle's Creed in my head, silently to myself. It's almost like counting sheep, but the goal isn't to sleep... the goal is to entertain my mind just long enough to find another thought to replace it. It works, more often than not, and I usually can calm myself enough to move forward - on to the next great moment in time.

There is a tiny problem with this though... there is a brief period of time when I don't have complete control of my thoughts - the things I can't or won't or don't want to think about sneak into my subconscious eary in the morning, just as I am waking up... and it's then - that moment - when I truly realize the content of my heart... it is then when the veil has slipped just enough to show me. It's a sweet moment, but as realization dawns - as it all floods back - it begins to sting... and the walls come flying up again... the pain starts to seep in and my mind scrambles to grab the first thing I can to shield and protect me... the Creed.

It's a sad state I know... but it works. I've found I can't let my mind wander - it's all business, all the time. It's easier that way - quieter... no disappointment or disillusionment... only control... only safety... only peace - even if achieved through a trick....

Oh... and I like this song too... My Life...