Battle Lines

People divorce. Fact of life. I don't think it's ever pleasant but there are people who manage to be adults about it - people who can think outside themselves and look at the bigger picture and make adjustments. It can happen under the worst of circumstances - I've seen people do it. I know people get into situations that are less than ideal - I've learned over the years to be more tolerant, more understanding. My ex cheated on me twice - two of the hardest truths I've ever had to face and whether people believe me or not I've gotten past those betrayals. I still carry around wounds, I'm aware of that... but they are mine to heal, mine to figure out. And while I have no desire to be his friend, to sit and share a drink and reminisce, I can live and let live and that's what I've been doing. I've done nothing to hinder his pursuit of happiness, in fact, I wish him well. I hope he finds what he's been searching for... me, all I really want is to be happy too - and I alone carry the responsibility for that.

During the beginning of the end the ex made some choices that have made it difficult to have that semi pleasant divorce every girl dreams about. One doosey was taking his girlfriend to meet the parents while the wife was sitting at home with the kids. I never would have known this except for the fact my parents had hired a private detective. So you see the plot thickens. Everyone knows about this but me... the one person it affects more than any other - and I'm in the dark, clueless. So now battle lines have been drawn, sides taken, alliances made and me... well I'm oblivious to the impending war.

I've had a hard time reconciling what my ex in laws did... sitting down with this other woman and making nice. It would have been different had we been in the process of divorce proceedings at the time... it would have been different if I had known... but I didn't. I've managed to keep a working relationship with them. I don't trust them but I don't have to, trust isn't essential to the shallow interactions we have. I am the mother to their only grandchildren... I think they have a modicum amount of respect for that fact. The message they sent me was clear though - blood IS thicker than water and regardless of whether their son is right or wrong they will accept his behavior. The only time we discussed the dinner meeting they asked me what they were supposed to do... my answer was this - you say son, we love you, we'll do what we can to help you but we won't condone this, until this gets sorted out we can't do this - and then I would have left. I would have also cuffed my son up side his head but then, that's just me. You can love the sinner yet hate the sin - and part of being a parent is sometimes saying no... sometimes showing your disapproval - and I don't think that has an age limit.

So battle lines are drawn - and graduation is coming and it is out of town - far enough out of town and early enough in the morning that it necessitates an overnight trip. Everyone is staying in the same hotel and normal functioning families would all eat together the night before - toasting the boy's accomplishments, expressing pride and love... but... not sure that's going to happen. My parents don't really want to have any extended interaction with his parents and have said while they will eat in the same restaurant they won't necessarily sit at the same table, which, to me, is worse than refusing to see them. I can't sit at the table with the ex in laws, that would be a slap in my parent's face - and so I would sit with my folks and son... well... where would son sit? There is no way to do this... no way. The only thing I can see to do is to eat dinner with one that night and eat a brunch the next day after the ceremony with the other.

And a graduation party - that's a whole other kettle of fish.

ARGH.