Tug of War

My father called Monday night to tell me he was "bowing out of J's graduation." Just like that... as I've mentioned before, my parents don't have the warm fuzzies for ex's parents. And it's really nothing I had any control over... it's not like I ran to my parents and "tattled" on his parents - "Oh, mommy and daddy... let me tell you what they did... they met HER and I didn't know about HER... but they met HER and hugged HER and high fived HER." It was the other way around... they told me, and ever since then I've been trying to reconcile what happened with doing what's best for the kids. Lots of times I swallow stuff... like we still go to the same church. Silly not to really, I mean I could have found another church but I like it there and the kids have grown up there - J was confirmed there, R baptized there, soon to be confirmed also - we have a history there... roots... and it was silly to change that... so I could have decided to sit somewhere else... not sit with the ex mother in law... but then the kids would have to choose where they wanted to sit - and then they would have felt bad about either choice... and I wasn't going to do that to them... it was silly (have I said that before?). So I've swallowed a lot of stuff... and there will come a day when I can either choose to continue a relationship with them, apart from the kids, or I can let it go and not speak to them again. I'm not sure what I will do then... not worried about it until it happens. But my parents... that is a different story.

I was looking forward to them being at J's graduation with me... it felt like I had an intact family - like I wasn't facing it all alone... that I would have some support there. Dad, I suppose, has decided he just can't do it... he just can't swallow any of it long enough to be there. And if I am honest about it that hurts me. To me, this isn't about the in laws, it's about J and me... but to my parents it's not... to my parents it is about the in laws and they just won't do it - I guess they are "taking a stand" which to me, is (duh) silly at this point. Now to be fair, I don't know what mom's plans are. She's not said - dad only said HE was bowing out. I guess mom expected me to call her, question her, inquire about the situation but ya know, I just don't have the energy. It's not worth the fight... it's not for me to attempt and pry information out of her. It's (again) silly. Childish. It's Thursday night and I've yet to hear from either of them... not surprising.

It hurt me, at first. Once again I felt like they'd let me down, not an unfamiliar feeling in my parental relationship. I'm older now though, and once I thought about it, once I talked to a few friends, I sorta found some peace in the situation. I will not let anyone else's attitude shadow that day... I will enjoy it for all it's wondrous glory. My parents are the ones missing out... they are allowing their feelings to keep them from something important. So be it. The in laws are oblivious. My folks aren't "punishing" anyone with this behavior, only themselves. To me, if my parents feel this strongly about it then they need to contact the in laws and tell them so. I will not be the rope in this tug of war.

And today was a big day for me. I had a job interview - if I get this job it will be huge for me, not necessarily tons of money but it will mean a great deal to me and the kids. My parents knew this and still I've yet to hear from them. I was talking to a dear friend this afternoon and when I told him they'd not called he was surprised. I said you see, this is how it is. And it's ok. They live in their own little world and to expect anything else from them is (yep) silly. It's disappointing, sure - but I've managed thus far, and I'm tired of the drama, tired of juggling the balls. I'm letting them drop, one by one... falling to the ground and bouncing around... eventually stopping some place, scattered about on the floor. And guess what? The world hasn't ended.

I heard this tonight... sometimes I forget how much I love her voice - Don't Know Why.