dysFUNction

I have found an indescribable joy in the act of doing laundry. My first thought on Friday morning was, "I can do laundry this weekend!" Sick I know. We have a closet full of clean towels and I'm catching up on washing all those non essential items we've been putting off. We've washed linens and marveled at how easily a big, fluffy queen sized comforter fits in the drum of the washer. Everything feels great and smells great. Life is truly good!

And it is. I know I keep saying it but I think the knowledge surprises me some still. I went Thursday for my monthly therapy session. I'm not sure how long she and I will continue to do this... I'm not ready to give it up yet. I do get valuable insight out of it still. I recounted to her about taking Rebecca to the audition and Rebecca's comment after all was said and done about how she didn't understand why it was so important to me to make her do it. I bristled at that I will admit. It's flack I often got from the ex during the marriage - stuff about how I had it all figured out and he and the kids were just pawns in my master plan. He didn't really phrase it that way but it was pretty clear that's what he thought. I suppose it all seemed that way to him because he left everything to me to do, to manage, to handle.

I've not forced the children to do anything, I've followed their lead. Joshua wanted to play baseball and football so I made it possible for him to be where he needed to be and have what he needed to have. I didn't force him to go to college, I didn't pick the school he attended or pick his major - but I made it possible for him to go to school and graduate without any debt. It's been the same with Rebecca and dance - Rebecca and anything...

And so yes, I bristled, if only inside. I teased her about it some, said, "oh, now wait a minute little girl... you said you wanted to do this and I made it happen." To which she responded, "Well how was I supposed to know you'd take me seriously!" I recounted all this to the therapist and we discussed the ex's criticism of me. She said she understood that, and she understood why I would feel that way but that she didn't think Rebecca's reaction was like that. She said what Rebecca did was typical - normal even - and that it's her way of separating some, without separating. She said it's what teenagers do.

That's what I get out of therapy folks - perspective. It's hard to live a certain way for so very long and not have it skew the way you internalize things. I was already working from a disadvantage with my parents. I didn't see a healthy relationship there and the dysfunction in their marriage made it very difficult for them to parent in the most effective manner. Their relationship took center stage which relegated everyone else to bit players. My ex didn't grow up witnessing a healthy relationship and Lord knows he and I didn't have a healthy relationship. My goal, my life's work, as become being healthy - showing the kids healthy. I couldn't do that living the way I was. I'm still learning, always learning, but that's the way it's supposed to be - at least I think so. After all, a little bit of dysfunction is good for the soul... it's just important for it to be a tiny little bit... not a whole boat load, ya know?