May

Here I sit at 6:45 am on a Tuesday morning. I have the day off, it's Confederate Memorial Day after all, but Rebecca still has school and so I still have to get up early. I don't have to run around. I don't have to shower (yet) and so I have some time to kill as Rebecca readies herself for school. Too bad she doesn't have that darn license yet!

It's been a rough couple of days. Not sure how to adequately detail the whole situation but it involves the ex husband. I think the wheels are falling off the bus that is his psyche. He verbally attacked Joshua this weekend, via text mind you, because the boy failed to text him back right away. Basically the jerk called the boy a liar which, by the way, was not the case. Then he furthered the attack by saying, "I know you and Rebecca don't like me but that's ok, if you ever want to know the truth let me know." Excuse me? I was livid. Completely. I called him - what else was there to do? I've let so much go, ignored a lot, but I could not ignore this. So yeah, I called. It did not go well.

I didn't call to attack him and, believe it or not, I didn't. He was rude from the beginning, mocking me, laughing, loud. He was, if I had to bet, drunk. His "truth" as he sees it, is that HE put Joshua through college. HE and HE alone made it happen. As he said to me, "It was ME. MEMEMEMEME!" OK. I'm not disputing the fact he has been generous and consistent with the child support. There is a number that he provides every week. I acknowledge that - 100%. But there is so much more to that story than just providing a check every week and to hear him tell it his child support pays for EVERYTHING. The child support makes up for any parental misstep on his part - the child support wipes the slate clean.

After a one minute twelve second conversation he hung up on me.

What's worse is he showed up at Joshua's house as they were working to get things moved to have the flooring people come this week. He was drunk and started in with Joshua about this whole thing. Joshua told him to come back Friday at 6:30 and they'd talk. Joshua cautioned him to be sober or he'd ask him to leave. We'll see how that goes. I'm not afraid for Joshua physically - I worry about the emotional part of it but believe me, I get it, he's a grown man and can handle it himself. He's still my child, my son, and I worry about him. OK?

The audacity amazes me though. "I know you and Rebecca don't like me." Get over yourself you f-ing prick. THEY DON'T KNOW YOU! You walked out the door six years ago and didn't look back. Emotionally you'd left years before - you were preoccupied with living another life - preoccupied with other people and places and things. No one kept you from them. No one made it difficult for you to be with them. You did it all yourself. You made choices that reverberate today. Own up to it. You cannot expect them to be comfortable if you yourself aren't. You cannot make up for all the neglect with a two hour dinner once every couple of months. And you cannot expect them to rely on you, count on you, seek you out, when they've experienced years of being ignored and discarded. It doesn't work like that - it's not their responsibility to repair it, it's yours, you butt. They meet you half way by showing up when you call. They meet you half way by responding to you. I once told him, years ago, that in order to fix it he had to be steadfast and consistent. He had to say he'd be there and actually show up. What did I know? Nothing apparently.

It's great to send Rebecca a text asking her to let you know how the competition went but here's a novel idea - why don't you actually come to the competition? Why does your mother have to say, "Rebecca's recital is May 21 at 2:00 at Belk Auditorium. You need to be there." If you wanted to participate in her life, dance is a big one... duh.

All our lives have changed. We've had to adapt and change and sacrifice. We've had to let go of things and work harder for others. We've had to band together and redefine what family is. Why are you any different? Why are you immune to such unpleasantness? You chose this, we didn't. F-ING OWN IT. You've been given more opportunity, more time, to change the dynamic and you've not done it. That's fine. Just don't place the blame on the kids when you don't like it. This is what's infuriated me.

Ok - time to get her to school. I have a full day of dishes and oil changes and flower planting to do - isn't a state holiday the best?