Bliss

Welcome to my pity party… come on in… can I fix you a drink? a snack? Please, make yourself comfortable – the games will begin shortly.

It’s funny… I go along at a pretty steady pace… a nice little clip… and then something derails me, pushes me right off track and I have to work to get myself set again. It’s frustrating and yet I know the truth is probably pretty close to being that this feeling is no different than what most people who have been living relatively “normal” lives go through. I mean really, what is normal? I gotta believe though that “normal” for those whose lives haven’t been turned upside down by mental illness is a different “normal” than those whose lives have been… ya know? I just feel like sometimes I have to fight for everything. I’ve had to fight for my sanity, fight for the kids, fight for my self esteem and self respect… I’ve had to fight to stay afloat as a single mom – fight financially to keep my head above water; juggling obligations and finding a balance somewhere between wants and needs because sometimes things that seem frivolous really have a deeper purpose. I weigh sacrifice against martyrdom… the former given freely without regret – the latter a twisted, unfulfilled state of existence. I don’t want to be hollow… I fear that (and loneliness) the most I think – I fear being an abandoned shell, an empty encasement: a mind without substance, a body without purpose, a soul without peace.

The survival instinct in me is strong – I know this. It feels almost animalistic in a way; an innate sense of self preservation. I will do what is necessary for me and mine… fierce and ferocious in the face of danger and uncertainty. But surviving isn’t thriving. Surviving is struggle. Thriving is bliss. And if I am honest, brutally honest, I’ve not had a whole lotta bliss. Maybe that’s my fault… maybe it’s no one’s fault… maybe it’s just the luck of the draw. But that’s wrong – I’m being disingenuous… the truth is I have experienced bliss… I’ve seen a vibrant sunrise over the ocean and a peaceful sunset in my backyard – I’ve experienced words and music so moving they made me cry – kindness so pure it humbled me – I’ve had the privilege of making someone laugh, the joy of fulfilling dreams and the satisfaction of providing futures – and twice, twice, I have been blessed with holding my perfect newborn baby in my arms. So what’s wrong with me, what could I possibly lack?

I’m behaving like a spoiled child… no appreciation for the gifts I’ve been given – only seeing those grand prizes elusively out of my reach. And here I thought I was so easy to please – what a foolish girl! Yet… I am easy to please… I am content with simplicity... it doesn’t take much to make me happy – and I think in some ways maybe that’s the problem… my downfall. I feel like all I do is fight for those simple things, which then, of course, leaves nothing left for the grand. Though really, does the grand matter? The grand can be so nice... so, so nice... but the cost so, so high... and I just have nothing left over for payment.

So there it is... time to roll up my sleeves and place that train back on the track... you can show yourself out, can't you?

She Don't Want Nobody Near