What Goes Around... Comes Around?

I'm still processing those things I mentioned in my last post... it's all still up there just not yet ready to come out. Until then I have this:

My ex husband called me yesterday at work. He wanted to tell me he was moving in with his parents - I, of course curious, asked in a most polite way why. He said there was too much "drama" up where he was and he had to get away from it. I, of course curious, asked in a most polite way what drama. And man o man... he said his gf - the one he was having an affair with - was PREGNANT. Now... it is important for me to note right here, right now that my ex had a vasectomy in 1996. I sweetly asked if he was going to stay with her and help her raise it and he said, "IT'S NOT MINE." I calmly said, "Well yes I realize that but I just figured if you cared about her enough to leave your wife and children then you might care enough about her to raise her baby." I know I frustrated him some but hey - how often does a gal's ex call and tell her that his affair partner is pregnant by another man? I swear we could be on Jerry Springer!

He said it was hard for him because he really cared for her... he never believed she was capable of doing this to him (awwwww...). I asked him if he had suspected she was stepping out on him and he said yes - she was staying out and not coming home and being distant (wow sounds familiar). And then he said - are you ready for this - "I guess Karma is a Bitch." (Excuse me while I fall on the floor laughing) I said I didn't think it was so much about Karma... I said I think it's more about the choices we make. I mean come on... he met her in a bar... she knew he was married... she enjoyed the money and the mania... and then when it was gone... whoooops she's knocked up by another man. He was also upset because she called him on the phone last Friday on his way to work to tell him... "she didn't even have the courage to face me" (pardon me ... um.... I need a moment to compose myself.................................................................. ok - better now).

I told him I was sorry - and I really meant it... believe it or not. But that doesn't mean I still don't find it funny. He left me - blew up a family - for this woman... his reasoning was she was thinner and more fun. Yes well, I had two babies, I'm eleven years older than the girl, and I had to work my ass off being a single parent while he ran around and partied and played - yeah I had no time to be "fun." But the truth really is this: I'm nowhere near the person he painted me to be and it took me a really long time to realize that, accept it, and move forward. He and I both changed in the marriage. I think my changes were in reaction to his behavior... I grew frustrated and angry - I was unhappy and depressed - I craved attention and companionship and love. It became a vicious cycle: He ignored me, belittled me, rejected me and I became bitter and unattractive and unhappy - which all just justified his behavior because, after all, what fun was I then?

I've said it before - I didn't like who I was and it's taken a while to find my equilibrium again. But it feels so good to just be me now - to not worry about how to "reinvent" myself to some kind of specifications I'm never going to meet. It's ok to be smart and funny and even sexy sometimes - it's ok to like traveling and books and writing and movies and theatre and different foods and different music and family... it's ok, well actually - it's sorta fantastic! I look at my ex now and I look at myself and I wonder what we ever really had in common. All the things he enjoys now are just not things I can stomach - NASCAR and bars and Freebird. And that's ok... if it's what makes him happy then I wish him success...

I think I like the last song I posted so much because it says so simply and so softly those things I've had to do... I've had to get to know me... the last two lines are the best though - it makes me wonder: Do we only truly find ourselves when we think we've lost it all?

"Gardenia"

Well, I put so much thought into getting ready

Now I know that was the best part

It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting

Forget what I got from a wounded heart

[CHORUS]

I'm the one who likes Gardenia

I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor

I don't want to hang up the phone yet

It's been good

Getting to know me more

I've been seeing all my old friends in the city

Walking alone in Central Park

Doing all the things that I've neglected

Traded 'em all in

To be in your arms

[CHORUS]

Well, I hear my own voice

Sounds so silly

Keep on telling my story all around

Everything I lost seems so different

Well, this is how everybody gets found