Fini

I finished the book. Which one you ask? Oh... sorry... The Time Traveler's Wife. I cried.

So much waiting and sacrifice. So much patience and love. It's impossible to know, to decide, to reconcile whether or not it's worth it in the end. I mean, it was what it was and there was beauty in it - so much beauty... and knowing, gee, knowing that love exists there. There is something to that - to giving and receiving - I wonder what kind of exhilaration that must be. You may call me a liar if you wish, but I know I've not had that. I've seen a glimpse of it - a promise of what it could be, might be, but to say I've actually experienced it - nah, I can't.

Sacrifice - that's all life is. I can be happy within the context of the place in which I live... but is it really all that I want? No. I have no choice but to be where I am, even if it sometimes feels like it's slowly killing me. There are things I can not change, things I have no control over, circumstances which dictate where I am and what I do. That is my sacrifice. I must always, always remember what the sacrifice is for and be mindful of what would happen otherwise.

Melodramatic I know... but still the truth - and I'm slowly realizing it, coming to terms with it, comprehending the scope of what it all means. This song sorta reminds me of the waiting. There is an awareness I guess I've come to... and now that I'm here I don't have the faintest idea of what to do with it. I think, on some level in my conscience mind, I thought I would one day understand it all - oh not the mysteries of life, or the Lost City of Atlantis - but understand me and my role and my place - and it would all make sense - but it's not going to, is it? And I never will, will I? The awareness is there is no awareness. The answer is there is no answer.

For heaven's sake Belle... give it a rest. Maybe South of Broad won't make me think so hard....