Is It Just All Happenstance?

Belle has been feelin' ever so slightly blue lately - I'm not entirely sure why. Well, that's not true, I do know why, just not sure telling anyone here really would be a productive exercise. So what do I do instead? I buy shoes! Shoes that will click clack on the linoleum floor. Oh, and a really long string of fake pearls...

Ok... long song - Whole of the Moon

I bought a few other things as well... maybe I'm into retail therapy? Who knows? I got yet another black skirt to wear to court and a few fall sweaters, even though it's not quite fall-ish around here yet. The courtroom does stay cold though so maybe it's not too premature.

Monday afternoon, while waiting at dance, my friend Tina (her daughter dances with my daughter) said, "Go with me to the cemetery." So I did - she was looking for names and dates of relatives... we found a few of them and as we looked we walked and as we walked we talked, as she and I are prone to do. She's an interesting person... her chosen profession is hair and she's very talented. So we were talking and I asked her if she thought things happened for reasons... she said yes, she did - she said she doesn't think anything is an accident - it all has a purpose and a reason. And it's not that I don't agree with her - if you read this blog much you know that I tend to believe that too... things happen, people happen, for reasons, so I'm not being a disingenuous hypocrite when I asked - but sometimes it's not always easy to understand the reasoning - and sometimes, perhaps, we never do.

I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife and it's interesting - I think I made a mistake seeing the movie first - but hey, what's done is done. The novel contains several different themes I suppose - one of which is waiting. Clare waits... and waits... and waits, and in between the waiting is wonderful... until it's time to wait again - and here she meets Henry when she's six... and he's a grown man, and he knows she's the one he will marry - and she, at some point, knows he's who she's going to marry - but yet she has to wait - she has to endure stretches of time where he's not with her, not part of her everyday physical life... but yet he's always there, part of her... and I think about that sometimes. I think about that and wonder... so much of my life is waiting, has been waiting, and to a large part still is. I'm not where I want to be, I'm not where, God willing, I will be, but for now this is what it is and I have to make the most of it - and I am, whether anyone believes me or not. Of course I have those good days and I have those bad days but still... always, something is missing. And really, maybe it's ridiculous... so ridiculous... but I'm coming to accept that's just the way it is, and instead of being angry or frustrated, I'm resigned maybe? There is a definite shift in thinking, feeling, knowing... maybe it's the therapy? Maybe not. I just don't see the point in ignoring it, pretending it isn't so. I've tried that, it doesn't work. I am missing something - that's the God's honest truth - I am. The fact I feel that way doesn't diminish who I am, or what I do, or how I live my life... it's just a fact, and I'm tried of telling myself it doesn't matter - it does.

The long song up above was popular when I was, what, in college? Yeah, I think college. It's a tad bit sappy - ok, fine, a lot sappy - but I've always liked it. Anyone wanna tell me why? I'm serious... I'm really not sure. It just struck me, thinking about what the therapist and I talked about, I feel like I often see the whole of the moon - I always did. But the song isn't necessarily about seeing all the reality, it's about seeing the possibility... and hey, if I can see the possibility, then that's not a negative thing... maybe I'm not a negative person after all, maybe he was wrong... gee I'm in a much too deep frame of mind at the moment. Someone smack me.

So from that to this: Someday. Waiting, sigh.