Just because someone is honest with you doesn't necessarily mean someone wants you to be honest back...
Huh.
11.17.2011
11.03.2011
Epiphanies
You fell in love, she said.
And you know, she's right.
What do you do with it now, she asked?
I have no earthly idea.
You mourn it, she said. You find a way to grieve it and let it go. It's been over a year - not a word. It's time.
But yes, make no mistake, it was love.
And you know, she's right.
What do you do with it now, she asked?
I have no earthly idea.
You mourn it, she said. You find a way to grieve it and let it go. It's been over a year - not a word. It's time.
But yes, make no mistake, it was love.
10.02.2011
Easily...
one of the most beautiful songs ever... post coming soon...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0
9.26.2011
Self Reliant
There are times it's not so easy being a single woman. Sure sure sure, you're thinking, being a single woman has to be the most awesomest wondrous thing in the world... and yes, well you'd be right on most fronts but I gotta tell ya, it's pretty rough when something around this place goes wrong. I could go into details about how, when the ex left, he also left a pretty big mess of unfinished projects, but that's not the point - I only bring it up to say - the ex left a mess of unfinished projects, which makes me feel sometimes like I'm living in a perpetual work in progress. There are floors without moulding to cover the space between the hardwood floors and the baseboards. There are three interior doors we replaced before he left the house for good - that left closet doors and the bathroom doors with the same old partical board brown. The faucets in the bathroom weren't replaced and finished properly. He didn't run any caulk between the toilet and the floor. He didn't screw the vents into the baseboards. Get the picture?
Well, like I said sometimes things go wrong around here. The toilet thing - I caulked it :-) I read about it, bought the proper materials and ta-da! I have single handedly painted every room in this house. I think I will check into replacing the vents again - they are looking rough - and this time I think I can screw them into the baseboards. Joshua has helped out some too - he and I replaced a broken light switch in the bathroom when the toggle part stopped toggling. He put up a new ceiling fan in his (former) room. I've called Dad a few times to get advice. I've even called a plumber when I thought we(thank goodness didn't) have a leak. I discovered though that the lovely little plumber dude, who came out and checked for me one afternoon, cost $65 for the five minute use of his expertise.
So lately I've noticed a drip. drip. drip. coming from the faucet in the bathtub. Yeah, awesome. It wasn't bad... not really... at first. It started to get worse though... I was catching the water in a pitcher and using it to water the plants on the front porch and fill the dog's bowl... but it got worse. I talked to dad and he said it was probably a worn something or other and probably no big deal. Ok, well today it was bad... started to trickle and trickles are bad news. I called mom to see about dad looking at it - I unscrewed the handle and looked at it - turning some little plastic thing and finally, some how, some way turning the metal pipe part and making the trickle go away - and then making the drip go away... and now, well at this moment there is no leak. But Rebecca is showering and who knows what will happen when she gets through. But hey, me, self reliant me, fixed the leak. I, of course, no idea what I did, or how I did it but I'll take the fix. Saved me at least $65. Yeah me!
Tonight I walked with my buddy, the sadist, and I was telling her about the leak - how on earth could I have fixed it and she said she had signed up for a women's basic intro to plumbing/electrical basics - she asked me if I wanted to go with her. Uh, yes! I' d love to! Pretty great timing on that one huh? I can't wait! I need to learn these basics I suppose, especially if I plan to remain so self reliant! LOL!
Well, like I said sometimes things go wrong around here. The toilet thing - I caulked it :-) I read about it, bought the proper materials and ta-da! I have single handedly painted every room in this house. I think I will check into replacing the vents again - they are looking rough - and this time I think I can screw them into the baseboards. Joshua has helped out some too - he and I replaced a broken light switch in the bathroom when the toggle part stopped toggling. He put up a new ceiling fan in his (former) room. I've called Dad a few times to get advice. I've even called a plumber when I thought we(thank goodness didn't) have a leak. I discovered though that the lovely little plumber dude, who came out and checked for me one afternoon, cost $65 for the five minute use of his expertise.
So lately I've noticed a drip. drip. drip. coming from the faucet in the bathtub. Yeah, awesome. It wasn't bad... not really... at first. It started to get worse though... I was catching the water in a pitcher and using it to water the plants on the front porch and fill the dog's bowl... but it got worse. I talked to dad and he said it was probably a worn something or other and probably no big deal. Ok, well today it was bad... started to trickle and trickles are bad news. I called mom to see about dad looking at it - I unscrewed the handle and looked at it - turning some little plastic thing and finally, some how, some way turning the metal pipe part and making the trickle go away - and then making the drip go away... and now, well at this moment there is no leak. But Rebecca is showering and who knows what will happen when she gets through. But hey, me, self reliant me, fixed the leak. I, of course, no idea what I did, or how I did it but I'll take the fix. Saved me at least $65. Yeah me!
Tonight I walked with my buddy, the sadist, and I was telling her about the leak - how on earth could I have fixed it and she said she had signed up for a women's basic intro to plumbing/electrical basics - she asked me if I wanted to go with her. Uh, yes! I' d love to! Pretty great timing on that one huh? I can't wait! I need to learn these basics I suppose, especially if I plan to remain so self reliant! LOL!
9.18.2011
The More Things Change...
the more they stay the same eh?
It's been along few weeks and at some point I will post my thoughts and feelings surrounding all the excitement leading up to the wedding and about the wedding itself. I'll also post the experience from a divorce point of view too - but really the point of view I have with a contentious divorce, not an amicable one. Sheesh... he continues to be such a tool.
For now though, I'm just sorta shaking my head and smiling.
The birds of love, my dear son and his very new wife, returned today from their honeymoon. Me, silly mom that I am, expected not to see them for a few days - I mean, why on earth would you want to go anywhere but be in your new house on the day you return from your honeymoon? But nope, what do they do? They pop over to my house for dinner, since they didn't have food in their house. How funny is that? They just left, about ten minutes ago, and took a load a few more of Joshua's things and some wedding gifts. But it was fun, to just have them here - to listen to their stories and to talk about the beauty and wonderment surrounding the day.
We've all started a new chapter. Rebecca and I have enjoyed the week of solitude... we're settling into it being just the two of us again, and we're slowly realigning how we do things around here. It's all gonna be ok... perfectly ok... new stories on the horizon. Me, well, Rebecca is driving now and I'm not needed to chauffeur her back and forth to dance class... whatever shall I do with myself these days?
It's been along few weeks and at some point I will post my thoughts and feelings surrounding all the excitement leading up to the wedding and about the wedding itself. I'll also post the experience from a divorce point of view too - but really the point of view I have with a contentious divorce, not an amicable one. Sheesh... he continues to be such a tool.
For now though, I'm just sorta shaking my head and smiling.
The birds of love, my dear son and his very new wife, returned today from their honeymoon. Me, silly mom that I am, expected not to see them for a few days - I mean, why on earth would you want to go anywhere but be in your new house on the day you return from your honeymoon? But nope, what do they do? They pop over to my house for dinner, since they didn't have food in their house. How funny is that? They just left, about ten minutes ago, and took a load a few more of Joshua's things and some wedding gifts. But it was fun, to just have them here - to listen to their stories and to talk about the beauty and wonderment surrounding the day.
We've all started a new chapter. Rebecca and I have enjoyed the week of solitude... we're settling into it being just the two of us again, and we're slowly realigning how we do things around here. It's all gonna be ok... perfectly ok... new stories on the horizon. Me, well, Rebecca is driving now and I'm not needed to chauffeur her back and forth to dance class... whatever shall I do with myself these days?
8.27.2011
Chchchchanges...
Changes abound - butt loads of them -
On Friday I took Rebecca to the DMV to attempt her license and, in true Rebecca fashion, she passed it all on the first try. Then she drove me back to work and drove herself to the store before picking me up to take me home - but we didn't come home we drove to the local Chevy dealership and looked at a car. Now that she has her licence I have to make good on the bargain - that one that said I would give her my car and I would get a new one. So I saw the cutest Cruze and they told me to take it home for the night and drive it, which I did. Loved it of course.
We get home and are chillin for a moment when I walk into the kitchen to see a black snake. ARGH! Joshua got home a few minutes later and wrangled the damn thing outside where he killed it. He wasn't going to kill it but it kept moving back toward the house and we didn't want that to happen - so it died.
So today I drove the car back to the dealership and told them I wanted the car - they figured up a deal for me and we talked financing and now I have a new car. I had to get a car - and it made sense to get this one (awesome gas mileage).
I don't handle change well so a part of me is slightly freaking out - it's gonna be ok though, right?
On Friday I took Rebecca to the DMV to attempt her license and, in true Rebecca fashion, she passed it all on the first try. Then she drove me back to work and drove herself to the store before picking me up to take me home - but we didn't come home we drove to the local Chevy dealership and looked at a car. Now that she has her licence I have to make good on the bargain - that one that said I would give her my car and I would get a new one. So I saw the cutest Cruze and they told me to take it home for the night and drive it, which I did. Loved it of course.
We get home and are chillin for a moment when I walk into the kitchen to see a black snake. ARGH! Joshua got home a few minutes later and wrangled the damn thing outside where he killed it. He wasn't going to kill it but it kept moving back toward the house and we didn't want that to happen - so it died.
So today I drove the car back to the dealership and told them I wanted the car - they figured up a deal for me and we talked financing and now I have a new car. I had to get a car - and it made sense to get this one (awesome gas mileage).
8.11.2011
Out of the Blue
So funny to get a text out of the blue that someone from far away is coming close to home. "Let me buy you a drink," he says. Ok, but while we've know one another for a very long time we've never officially been in the same room at the same time. It will be interesting. I almost think it's easier to remain an enigma though - there is a lot of pressure in this whole meetup thing. Not that it means anything really... just two friends having a drink. What harm could that be? Now I need to plan that trip to Canada :-)
I'm still walking... the hills and inclines are killing me but I am starting to notice some subtle differences in my physic. My legs, which are normally muscular anyway, are hard as rocks. My arms are feeling some changes too and my butt tends to always be sore the day after. That's gotta mean something, right? I think that's the shoes though - the toning shoes, they really do make ya' feel the burn.
The wedding is very close. I need to address the invitations for the rehearsal dinner and get those out next week. I am taking my dress and Rebecca's to the seamstress about getting them altered. I'm bleeding money out the wazoo and it will be amazing to have all the celebrations come to an end if for no other reason than my wallet needs a break - oh and the ex contacted me - he wanted to know if I wanted him to chip in on the cost - sure hooka, I'll take your money! I'll have to blog about our meeting... but I need lots of rest and focus for that...
Until then... that's all folks...
I'm still walking... the hills and inclines are killing me but I am starting to notice some subtle differences in my physic. My legs, which are normally muscular anyway, are hard as rocks. My arms are feeling some changes too and my butt tends to always be sore the day after. That's gotta mean something, right? I think that's the shoes though - the toning shoes, they really do make ya' feel the burn.
The wedding is very close. I need to address the invitations for the rehearsal dinner and get those out next week. I am taking my dress and Rebecca's to the seamstress about getting them altered. I'm bleeding money out the wazoo and it will be amazing to have all the celebrations come to an end if for no other reason than my wallet needs a break - oh and the ex contacted me - he wanted to know if I wanted him to chip in on the cost - sure hooka, I'll take your money! I'll have to blog about our meeting... but I need lots of rest and focus for that...
Until then... that's all folks...
8.01.2011
A Four Letter Word
I stumbled across this, as I'm apt to do, but I think that's how it works:
We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope for it. But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)(NLV)
I think I like the NLV translation the best but they say the same things, really. I think though what draws me to the NLV translation is the word confidently. And, perhaps, that's the word I find myself struggling with right now. Hope, some days, is all that keeps me going - an idea, no, a belief, that at some point, at some time, my deep abiding desire for more will manifest itself into something felt - spiritually, emotionally, and concretely. But I don't know, I really don't. Why does it seem so difficult and dark sometimes?
To hope confidently... wow, tall order. Sometimes it's all one can do to keep that tiny little flicker of hope alive - but then, to add confidence to the mix... sheesh, almost like my walking buddy - we clip along our three mile course up an incline most of the way back and for fun she suggests that we now add that fourth mile - the one that goes up two, yes two, very steep hills. Ugh. Throw me a flippin' bone here lady... I'm doing the three miles, aren't I? Talk about kicking a gal when she's down. But I do it and afterwards feel great... but it takes me talking myself into it to get it accomplished... confidence?
I think to myself sometimes - is this as good as it gets? And really, it's not so bad. Life is predictable and sane, mostly. There is an ease to the way we live now at Casa de Belle and we've all come a very long way. And yet... is this it? I mean really? Life really isn't a destination, it's a journey, and therefore we don't ever really arrive anyplace, do we? We move along and pick up travelling companions as we go... and we, as humans, we're not meant to be alone. God didn't make us that way and yet, it seems, an awful lot of the time we do end up alone - at least some of us. And it's not always a choice we make - it is just what it is.
But I go back to the therapist looking at me and saying, "Belle, you're wired to be in relatonship - God made you that way. And God, havng made you that way, will not leave you unfulfilled." I don't know. I just don't know. God has a plan and God has His own sense of timing. It always ends up being perfect timing, of course, but it sure doesn't feel that way to us when we're waiting. And hoping. It's exhausting though. I remind myself each morning I am one day closer - to what, I truly don't know - but whatever it is it's one day closer. God, have mercy on me - help me to wait hopefully, with patience and confidence. Amen.
G K Chesterton said:
Romans 8:24-25
24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (NIV)
Or -
24 For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what they already have? 25 But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. (NIV)
Or -
I think I like the NLV translation the best but they say the same things, really. I think though what draws me to the NLV translation is the word confidently. And, perhaps, that's the word I find myself struggling with right now. Hope, some days, is all that keeps me going - an idea, no, a belief, that at some point, at some time, my deep abiding desire for more will manifest itself into something felt - spiritually, emotionally, and concretely. But I don't know, I really don't. Why does it seem so difficult and dark sometimes?
To hope confidently... wow, tall order. Sometimes it's all one can do to keep that tiny little flicker of hope alive - but then, to add confidence to the mix... sheesh, almost like my walking buddy - we clip along our three mile course up an incline most of the way back and for fun she suggests that we now add that fourth mile - the one that goes up two, yes two, very steep hills. Ugh. Throw me a flippin' bone here lady... I'm doing the three miles, aren't I? Talk about kicking a gal when she's down. But I do it and afterwards feel great... but it takes me talking myself into it to get it accomplished... confidence?
I think to myself sometimes - is this as good as it gets? And really, it's not so bad. Life is predictable and sane, mostly. There is an ease to the way we live now at Casa de Belle and we've all come a very long way. And yet... is this it? I mean really? Life really isn't a destination, it's a journey, and therefore we don't ever really arrive anyplace, do we? We move along and pick up travelling companions as we go... and we, as humans, we're not meant to be alone. God didn't make us that way and yet, it seems, an awful lot of the time we do end up alone - at least some of us. And it's not always a choice we make - it is just what it is.
But I go back to the therapist looking at me and saying, "Belle, you're wired to be in relatonship - God made you that way. And God, havng made you that way, will not leave you unfulfilled." I don't know. I just don't know. God has a plan and God has His own sense of timing. It always ends up being perfect timing, of course, but it sure doesn't feel that way to us when we're waiting. And hoping. It's exhausting though. I remind myself each morning I am one day closer - to what, I truly don't know - but whatever it is it's one day closer. God, have mercy on me - help me to wait hopefully, with patience and confidence. Amen.
G K Chesterton said:
Hope means hoping when things are hopeless or it is no virtue at all...As long as matters are really hopeful, hope is mere flattery or platitude. It is only when everything is hopeless that hope begins to be a strength."
7.24.2011
Argh.
Does anyone know me? I mean really? Anyone? I had the friend who tried to set me up with the fella mentioned in a previous post... and now, now have another friend trying to set me up with someone else. Not good - not good at all. Sheesh. With friends like these I really don't need an enemy. Not at all. Ugh.
Ok, this guy seems nice enough. Hard working fella - that's a plus. He has two grown sons - one's a cop and the other a fire fighter. His wife, apparently, cheated on him and he's done the lion's share of raising his boys. My friend says he's a very nice guy and I have no doubt that's true. She wants to know why I have reservations. Well, I did check out his facebook like she told me to and he friend requested me and I accepted it. He lives a very different kind of life than I do. First off - something he has no control over - but his son is engaged to a girl I just can't stand. The idea of spending time with her does not appeal to me at all. Then there is the fact he likes auto racing. This is something I detest. I know there are people out there that love it - live by it. Me, I don't understand it, don't have any desire or inclination to want to understand it. The whole culture surrounding it turns my stomach. Hey, more power to those folks who love it - I'm just not one of them.
He smokes. That's a big deal to me also. My ex did and I hated it. I never "let" him smoke in the house. That's how he looked at it. Me, I looked at it like I was doing what could to keep me and the kids as under exposed to it as possible. I hate the way it smells and don't want my clothes or house or me smelling of it. I don't want my kids smelling of it either. I don't want to spend time some place where I come away smelling of it. If people choose to smoke that's their prerogative. I don't enjoy the smell of it on someone else and I don't enjoy the taste of it. Smoking was a big part of what I did not find attractive about my ex. I did not enjoy smelling it on him and I did not enjoy kissing him. Smell is a big sensual to me... I want natural smell and I love the smell of a nice cologne but I actually find repulsion in the smell of cigarette smoke. Smoking also seems to be a big preoccupation with people who engage in that habit. They spend a lot of time making time to do it. It's almost impossible to find a place that will allow you to smoke - and I'm not interested in sitting down to a nice dinner where the smell of smoke overpowers the smell and taste of the food.
My friend, she says I should give him a chance because he's a nice guy. I've tried to tell her I don't dispute him being a nice guy - I just don't think he's someone I'm compatible with at this time in my life. She said I should learn to like new things. That's just it though, auto racing - it's not a new thing. Soccer, now that would be a new thing for me. There was a time in my life I had never experienced hockey and then I had the opportunity to go to a game and it was fun. It's not something I seek out now, it's not something I follow closely but I can find enjoyment in it, especially when I share the experience with someone else. Auto racing I have experienced. There was nothing about it I found fun - not the races or cars or personalities nor did I find enjoyment in the culture that surrounds it. Sharing the experience with someone is not going to change my deep, abiding dislike for the "sport."
And here's my thing about "learning to like new things." I like the things I like - it took me a really long time to let myself do that - like the things like. I want to spend time with someone who likes the things I like too. Not someone who learns to like the things I like but someone who genuinely likes the things I like. I'm open to new experiences, yeah - but I'd like to share those things I like with someone who likes them too - someone I like who likes me. I'm looking for a kindred spirit I suppose. I'm too old to settle for anything less... I'm too old to reinvent myself... I'm too old to adapt myself to someone else's likes. I've spend too many years denying what I like, down playing it, and doing without. I won't do that anymore. I won't. I know what I want... I may not be able to completely articulate it to someone else what I want but I know, and I'll know when I meet it. And I know when have met it - even if having it isn't possible right now. Timing is a bitch... but bad timing isn't an excuse for poor choices. Like I've said before - I'd rather be alone for all the right reasons than with someone for all the wrong ones. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean he's right for me.
Ok, this guy seems nice enough. Hard working fella - that's a plus. He has two grown sons - one's a cop and the other a fire fighter. His wife, apparently, cheated on him and he's done the lion's share of raising his boys. My friend says he's a very nice guy and I have no doubt that's true. She wants to know why I have reservations. Well, I did check out his facebook like she told me to and he friend requested me and I accepted it. He lives a very different kind of life than I do. First off - something he has no control over - but his son is engaged to a girl I just can't stand. The idea of spending time with her does not appeal to me at all. Then there is the fact he likes auto racing. This is something I detest. I know there are people out there that love it - live by it. Me, I don't understand it, don't have any desire or inclination to want to understand it. The whole culture surrounding it turns my stomach. Hey, more power to those folks who love it - I'm just not one of them.
He smokes. That's a big deal to me also. My ex did and I hated it. I never "let" him smoke in the house. That's how he looked at it. Me, I looked at it like I was doing what could to keep me and the kids as under exposed to it as possible. I hate the way it smells and don't want my clothes or house or me smelling of it. I don't want my kids smelling of it either. I don't want to spend time some place where I come away smelling of it. If people choose to smoke that's their prerogative. I don't enjoy the smell of it on someone else and I don't enjoy the taste of it. Smoking was a big part of what I did not find attractive about my ex. I did not enjoy smelling it on him and I did not enjoy kissing him. Smell is a big sensual to me... I want natural smell and I love the smell of a nice cologne but I actually find repulsion in the smell of cigarette smoke. Smoking also seems to be a big preoccupation with people who engage in that habit. They spend a lot of time making time to do it. It's almost impossible to find a place that will allow you to smoke - and I'm not interested in sitting down to a nice dinner where the smell of smoke overpowers the smell and taste of the food.
My friend, she says I should give him a chance because he's a nice guy. I've tried to tell her I don't dispute him being a nice guy - I just don't think he's someone I'm compatible with at this time in my life. She said I should learn to like new things. That's just it though, auto racing - it's not a new thing. Soccer, now that would be a new thing for me. There was a time in my life I had never experienced hockey and then I had the opportunity to go to a game and it was fun. It's not something I seek out now, it's not something I follow closely but I can find enjoyment in it, especially when I share the experience with someone else. Auto racing I have experienced. There was nothing about it I found fun - not the races or cars or personalities nor did I find enjoyment in the culture that surrounds it. Sharing the experience with someone is not going to change my deep, abiding dislike for the "sport."
And here's my thing about "learning to like new things." I like the things I like - it took me a really long time to let myself do that - like the things like. I want to spend time with someone who likes the things I like too. Not someone who learns to like the things I like but someone who genuinely likes the things I like. I'm open to new experiences, yeah - but I'd like to share those things I like with someone who likes them too - someone I like who likes me. I'm looking for a kindred spirit I suppose. I'm too old to settle for anything less... I'm too old to reinvent myself... I'm too old to adapt myself to someone else's likes. I've spend too many years denying what I like, down playing it, and doing without. I won't do that anymore. I won't. I know what I want... I may not be able to completely articulate it to someone else what I want but I know, and I'll know when I meet it. And I know when have met it - even if having it isn't possible right now. Timing is a bitch... but bad timing isn't an excuse for poor choices. Like I've said before - I'd rather be alone for all the right reasons than with someone for all the wrong ones. Just because someone is nice doesn't mean he's right for me.
7.11.2011
You Just Never Know
Angels come to us in so many different ways, and at the oddest times. Isn't it funny how that works? For months, maybe years, I've been saying to myself I really need to get my butt out the door and start walking again - I really need to get back into that groove, find that motivation. I mean, I could remember being so focused on it at one time, but that was during and after the first affair and the kids were smaller and I needed to get away and be able to think and the only time I could do that was when I walked - so I did. Weight fell off and I felt awesome - had not felt that good physically in a very long time. For six months straight I walked. At some point life got in the way and my walking fell by the wayside. I lost ground... and I ended up here, wondering if I'm gonna look like a giant tootsie roll in my mother of the groom dress when really I just wanna look like one hot momma! LOL!
One of the aspects I absolutely love of my job is I get the opportunity to work with volunteers - these folks donate their time to help children and I get to help them help the kids - it's the most satisfying thing I've ever done outside of being a mother. But as a wonderful side benefit I get to interact with some truly interesting people. One of our volunteers is also a member of the same church I attend. She's a few years older than me - not enough to be a parent but definitely old enough to be a big sister. She's decided to whip my lazy butt back into shape and she's taking this project seriously. Very seriously. I kid her, call her a sadist, and she laughs at me - a lot. Tonight she forced (yes FORCED) me to walk four miles and two long sections were straight up hills from hell. I felt horrible while I was doing it, but I also knew I'd feel awesome aftewards - and guess what? I was right!
Here I was, sorta wishing I had someone to push me, and she stepped in and took the role. We walk when we can, at least three days a week, and I'm starting to feel the positive effects. It's killer while in the middle of it but afterwards - oh wow! Love it! Dad gave me money for my birthday for new "tennis" shoes and so I bought a pair of Shape-Ups - awesome shoes! I'm making changes, slowly, but still changes and I'm getting motivation from some really surprising places. I'm realizing the more I open myself up to people and possibilities, the more the blessings flow. Thank you God!
One of the aspects I absolutely love of my job is I get the opportunity to work with volunteers - these folks donate their time to help children and I get to help them help the kids - it's the most satisfying thing I've ever done outside of being a mother. But as a wonderful side benefit I get to interact with some truly interesting people. One of our volunteers is also a member of the same church I attend. She's a few years older than me - not enough to be a parent but definitely old enough to be a big sister. She's decided to whip my lazy butt back into shape and she's taking this project seriously. Very seriously. I kid her, call her a sadist, and she laughs at me - a lot. Tonight she forced (yes FORCED) me to walk four miles and two long sections were straight up hills from hell. I felt horrible while I was doing it, but I also knew I'd feel awesome aftewards - and guess what? I was right!
Here I was, sorta wishing I had someone to push me, and she stepped in and took the role. We walk when we can, at least three days a week, and I'm starting to feel the positive effects. It's killer while in the middle of it but afterwards - oh wow! Love it! Dad gave me money for my birthday for new "tennis" shoes and so I bought a pair of Shape-Ups - awesome shoes! I'm making changes, slowly, but still changes and I'm getting motivation from some really surprising places. I'm realizing the more I open myself up to people and possibilities, the more the blessings flow. Thank you God!
7.02.2011
How Icky? Let Me Count the Ways...
Ok, here is my Top Ten list:
- He wanted to exchange pictures and so we do - cell phone pics. Mine is a head shot with Rebecca, a pic she took on her phone right after she got it and we were at the Peace Center seeing Legally Blonde. A pretty straight forward picture - no funny business. I was fully clothed. His, well... he was shirtless. Sitting on a couch. Arm on the back of the sofa. Ick.
- He told me stories about his young son - ok, not bad. Then he launched into stories about his baby momma, the ex GIRLFRIEND, who had two (or three) children from a previous marriage. Baby momma who he met at a bar, who he thought was a wonderful girl and quickly moved with her kids into his two bedroom house and just as quickly became pregnant. Then, just as quickly as she had their little boy she started fooling around with someone else and then promptly left Bubba for that guy and married the new fella.
- He then told me in depth stories of his struggle with her and the child support issues - how darn much money she takes from him, how much he pays for daycare just to but son in daycare while she doesn't work, how much he made at his old job, which he quit because he wanted to be able to spend more time with son, how much less he makes at his new job. He gave me quite a bit of information about how far behind he is on his bills and how he was picked up because he was behind on his child support. In the second conversation he offered to let me pay his bills. Er, um. no. And while I'm not a money whore I don't want to order off the dollar menu at McDonalds on the first date.
- He had a very long tirade about the health care industry - about how he does not believe in conventional Western medicine and how chiropractic care is all you need, unless of course you are in a car accident and you need stitches or to have a broken bone set. Then it's ok to go to the hospital. He said he gets a cold and goes straight to the chiropractor. He does not believe in immunizations and he he prefers to take his son to the chiropractor. It bothers him when his ex GIRLFRIEND takes their son to the pediatrician. He believes in whole foods and herbs for medicinal purposes. Ok, different strokes for different folks. He then insisted I listen to the ten yes TEN cds about the evils of the health care industry and how I needed to tell my family before I listened to the cds because it just could change me so much my family would think I'd lost my mind... yeah, you got that right, LOST MY MIND. He talked about how cancer could be cured tomorrow but the pharmaceutical industry wants to keep us sick. That look at all the things the government does to keep us sick, to mess up our health - they put additives in our foods and then he went on to describe all the teenage girls out there with double d t*****s (oh how I hate that word) and how much of an abomination that is. (Please remember I have a teenage daughter). Got the picture?
- Then we talked about religion/church. He goes to a nondenominational church. I am Presbyterian. Not a deal breaker necessarily. He asked if I attended church on Wednesday nights. Nope, I don't. Why? Because we don't have a Wednesday night service. Then how do you refuel during the week? That's just wrong he says! What about Sunday night service? Nope. Ok, difference of opinion. He then invites me to his church the next night, Wednesday, to enjoy the spirit. I wasn't interested really, but also couldn't go due to dance and school.
- That didn't sit well with him, didn't understand the whole dance thing and said - in a somewhat annoyed tone, "Why does she dance so much anyway?" Ummm... she likes it and she's good at it? And then he asks, "What kind of dancing does she do anyway? Pole dancing?" o.k. Um... obviously he doesn't have a teenage daughter. And no, no pole dancing. ugh.
- Back to church - he was confused about how I was able to feel the Holy Spirit in a church like a Presbyterian Church - sometimes, he asked, don't you just NEED to get up and wave your hands and shout? Nope, not at all. Joshua's response is that sometimes we feel moved in a more intellectual manner... smart boy.
- Then more church - "You folks let women preach, don't you?" Um... yeah?" "Well, " he says, "that's just wrong." My question to him was why is it wrong? His answer, "There were twelve apostles, right?" "And none of them were women." Duh - of course!
- He never did really ask me out - just kept asking, "When ya gonna see me?" Uh, when ya gonna ask me out?
- At the end of the second conversation, after the whole lecture thing about church (and I mean immediately after the whole lecture thing about church) he starts telling me how sexy he thinks my voice is, how much he loves to hear me talk. He tells me nothing sexier than a women whispering in his ear and he just can't wait to hear my voice whispering in his ear while he nibbles on my neck. ok. I gotta go. late ya know... need sleep. work tomorrow.
6.29.2011
Let's See...
I don't do this too much anymore - not sure I have the time really and not sure what I have to say is relevant. It all is what it is - nothing changing, status quo. Is that such a bad thing? Maybe not...
My car is in the shop again and I am dependent on the kindness of strangers - well not really strangers but yeah, I'm dependent. Not sure I like that. But if the car is gonna be in the shop then this is a good time for it to be there... kids take me to work in the morning - pick me up in the afternoon. My walking partner brought me home today. I've broadened my circle of friends some... a pretty cool thing. More women, no men, but hey, isn't that all the advice I used to get from folks - stop making so many man friends, make women friends, don't worry about men. So here I am, manless really, and all those folks with the wonderful advice, what are they doing? With folks of the opposite sex. Good for them. Yeah, men - that's a conversation for another day. I went out last Friday with two good girl friends and we ate good food and drank good wine and then stopped at a coffee shop and drank some really tasty cocktails. It was fun!
A few months ago, after my Bubba/Gitrdone carefully averted fiasco, my brother made some comments about how cool it was that I could make decisions about relationships based on what was good for me and not loneliness. Yeah, Bubba would have been a disaster - not sure if I've blogged about that or not - oughta search and see... hold a moment. Nope doesn't look like I have. Well - long story short: a friend of mine gave a friend hers my number. He called, twice. Two long conversations and after the first I thought, huh, sure if he asks me out I'll go and after fifteen minutes into the second conversation I though, hell friggin no. But anyway Joshua took to calling him Bubba and my brother took to calling him Gitrdone. Either way, not a good thing. So after I didn't answer the third call (not to be ugly but I was busy at the time and couldn't take it) and he never called back - my brother and I have a conversation about why I didn't follow up on the dude. I just had no energy or desire to involve myself with someone I knew was not a person for me. And yeah, no law says we can't be friends and trust me, after the first conversation that was my thinking but sheesh, to explain the sheer ickiness of the second call would take all day and I'm not sure my attention span can handle it at the moment. You gotta trust me. When Holly said, "You'll never get rid of this guy - he'll hang around, forever, like luggage." I thought, yeah, not good.
So why didn't I follow up? I had to make a smart choice and to go out with him, to forge a friendship/relationship with him would have involved a lot of neediness. I would have become his caretaker, I would have been the one to hold up his world. He had baggage - lots and lots of baggage and yeah, don't we all but here's the thing - what we do with our baggage is what's important - he, well he wanted me to carry his baggage for him and give him good lovin' too - eh, no. I'm capable of the good lovin' thing and I'm all for livin' with some baggage but I'm not takin' it on, I'm not carrying it. Nope, nuh uh, sorry. Next time I'm in love there's gotta be some give and take - next time I'm in love I have got to get as good as I give. If not, no point. I've had enough of that. Bubba didn't like any of the things I like, Bubba didn't respect my beliefs, Bubba was ever so slightly misogynistic. No. Not for me.
So my brother, what he said was to quote a line from a movie - Some Kind of Wonderful - and it's something like "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with somoneone for all the wrong reasons." The lead girl in the movie sorta changes her tune during the course of the action - at first choosing relationships and friendships for wrong reasons and then realizing the opposite to be true. I guess, yeah, I've figured it out somewhere along the way. I'm too old not to have what I want. I'm too old to settle for something that might feel right at rare moments in time, satisfy a moment of loneliness, or offer me an air of legitimacy. Maybe this means I'll be alone for the rest of my life... could be. If so, at least it will be on my terms.
My car is in the shop again and I am dependent on the kindness of strangers - well not really strangers but yeah, I'm dependent. Not sure I like that. But if the car is gonna be in the shop then this is a good time for it to be there... kids take me to work in the morning - pick me up in the afternoon. My walking partner brought me home today. I've broadened my circle of friends some... a pretty cool thing. More women, no men, but hey, isn't that all the advice I used to get from folks - stop making so many man friends, make women friends, don't worry about men. So here I am, manless really, and all those folks with the wonderful advice, what are they doing? With folks of the opposite sex. Good for them. Yeah, men - that's a conversation for another day. I went out last Friday with two good girl friends and we ate good food and drank good wine and then stopped at a coffee shop and drank some really tasty cocktails. It was fun!
A few months ago, after my Bubba/Gitrdone carefully averted fiasco, my brother made some comments about how cool it was that I could make decisions about relationships based on what was good for me and not loneliness. Yeah, Bubba would have been a disaster - not sure if I've blogged about that or not - oughta search and see... hold a moment. Nope doesn't look like I have. Well - long story short: a friend of mine gave a friend hers my number. He called, twice. Two long conversations and after the first I thought, huh, sure if he asks me out I'll go and after fifteen minutes into the second conversation I though, hell friggin no. But anyway Joshua took to calling him Bubba and my brother took to calling him Gitrdone. Either way, not a good thing. So after I didn't answer the third call (not to be ugly but I was busy at the time and couldn't take it) and he never called back - my brother and I have a conversation about why I didn't follow up on the dude. I just had no energy or desire to involve myself with someone I knew was not a person for me. And yeah, no law says we can't be friends and trust me, after the first conversation that was my thinking but sheesh, to explain the sheer ickiness of the second call would take all day and I'm not sure my attention span can handle it at the moment. You gotta trust me. When Holly said, "You'll never get rid of this guy - he'll hang around, forever, like luggage." I thought, yeah, not good.
So why didn't I follow up? I had to make a smart choice and to go out with him, to forge a friendship/relationship with him would have involved a lot of neediness. I would have become his caretaker, I would have been the one to hold up his world. He had baggage - lots and lots of baggage and yeah, don't we all but here's the thing - what we do with our baggage is what's important - he, well he wanted me to carry his baggage for him and give him good lovin' too - eh, no. I'm capable of the good lovin' thing and I'm all for livin' with some baggage but I'm not takin' it on, I'm not carrying it. Nope, nuh uh, sorry. Next time I'm in love there's gotta be some give and take - next time I'm in love I have got to get as good as I give. If not, no point. I've had enough of that. Bubba didn't like any of the things I like, Bubba didn't respect my beliefs, Bubba was ever so slightly misogynistic. No. Not for me.
So my brother, what he said was to quote a line from a movie - Some Kind of Wonderful - and it's something like "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with somoneone for all the wrong reasons." The lead girl in the movie sorta changes her tune during the course of the action - at first choosing relationships and friendships for wrong reasons and then realizing the opposite to be true. I guess, yeah, I've figured it out somewhere along the way. I'm too old not to have what I want. I'm too old to settle for something that might feel right at rare moments in time, satisfy a moment of loneliness, or offer me an air of legitimacy. Maybe this means I'll be alone for the rest of my life... could be. If so, at least it will be on my terms.
6.05.2011
June
I tried to post something at the end of the May but it wouldn't let me - a bummer really since it was my yearly remembrance of Joshua's birthday. It was number 24... so many years have flown by - it's scary, but really pretty awesome. He's a special guy and I love him more than life.
Nothing much has changed down this way, just in case if anyone were to wonder. School has ended for the year - Rebecca is now a junior in high school. How flippin' wild is that? I've not really paid much attention to the "countdown" where she's been concerned. I remember doing it with Joshua - you know how that goes, right? There are x number of fill in the blanks left until he graduates. I made sure to take extra snapshots, both in my mind and with the camera, and I reminded myself all the time to just enjoy the moment. But truthfully, when it enters my mind now, I'm not really too sure how I feel about it. She's my last, my baby girl, and it will be harder I guess. It is no less exciting though... she's a wonderful person and she has a happiness about her that is infectious. I can't wait to see how she tackles the world!
Nothing much has changed down this way, just in case if anyone were to wonder. School has ended for the year - Rebecca is now a junior in high school. How flippin' wild is that? I've not really paid much attention to the "countdown" where she's been concerned. I remember doing it with Joshua - you know how that goes, right? There are x number of fill in the blanks
The braces have come off. She took the SAT for the first time yesterday morning. It was funky watching her walk into the testing school and see her among all the other teenagers preparing for their futures. Friday we leave for a two day dance workshop, something new for her, where she will get an opportunity to take classes from people who are involved with Carolina, where she wants to go to college to study, what else? Dance. I also need to get her started on driver's ed so she can get her license before the start of school in August.
I'm still fighting the good fight at work. I've been there officially now for two years and I truly love the job, even with all the dysfunction and caseload. We are overrun with cases - more now that at any point in the last two years. I'm still hanging out with friends when I get the opportunity. Rebecca and I have taken in a couple of Carolina baseball games and had a blast. Wedding plans are plugging along and I'm waiting to hear how much the rehearsal dinner will set me back. My dress has been ordered and my shoes are here! I love the shoes! They are brown satin and strappy and have a rhinestone broach accent on the left side of each shoe. They make me happy!
I'm still seeing the therapist once a month. I probably will until the wedding. I had thought I probably would until I got settled in a relationship but that may never happen and I don't think it's prudent to keep attending therapy year after year after year in the hopes of having her guide me through something that really may remain unfulfilled. I went to an al-anon meeting a few weeks again and will most likely go to one this week. It was really helpful, listening to the stories and hearing how similar everyone's experience is. I still have a tad of resentment in me that I even have to do this, to get the skills and information needed to help the kids and help myself, but it is what it is I suppose. Life goes on...
And there you have it - an update. I have clothes to fold and Hope Floats is on.. a pretty nice Sunday if I do say so...
5.10.2011
May
Here I sit at 6:45 am on a Tuesday morning. I have the day off, it's Confederate Memorial Day after all, but Rebecca still has school and so I still have to get up early. I don't have to run around. I don't have to shower (yet) and so I have some time to kill as Rebecca readies herself for school. Too bad she doesn't have that darn license yet!
It's been a rough couple of days. Not sure how to adequately detail the whole situation but it involves the ex husband. I think the wheels are falling off the bus that is his psyche. He verbally attacked Joshua this weekend, via text mind you, because the boy failed to text him back right away. Basically the jerk called the boy a liar which, by the way, was not the case. Then he furthered the attack by saying, "I know you and Rebecca don't like me but that's ok, if you ever want to know the truth let me know." Excuse me? I was livid. Completely. I called him - what else was there to do? I've let so much go, ignored a lot, but I could not ignore this. So yeah, I called. It did not go well.
I didn't call to attack him and, believe it or not, I didn't. He was rude from the beginning, mocking me, laughing, loud. He was, if I had to bet, drunk. His "truth" as he sees it, is that HE put Joshua through college. HE and HE alone made it happen. As he said to me, "It was ME. MEMEMEMEME!" OK. I'm not disputing the fact he has been generous and consistent with the child support. There is a number that he provides every week. I acknowledge that - 100%. But there is so much more to that story than just providing a check every week and to hear him tell it his child support pays for EVERYTHING. The child support makes up for any parental misstep on his part - the child support wipes the slate clean.
After a one minute twelve second conversation he hung up on me.
What's worse is he showed up at Joshua's house as they were working to get things moved to have the flooring people come this week. He was drunk and started in with Joshua about this whole thing. Joshua told him to come back Friday at 6:30 and they'd talk. Joshua cautioned him to be sober or he'd ask him to leave. We'll see how that goes. I'm not afraid for Joshua physically - I worry about the emotional part of it but believe me, I get it, he's a grown man and can handle it himself. He's still my child, my son, and I worry about him. OK?
The audacity amazes me though. "I know you and Rebecca don't like me." Get over yourself you f-ing prick. THEY DON'T KNOW YOU! You walked out the door six years ago and didn't look back. Emotionally you'd left years before - you were preoccupied with living another life - preoccupied with other people and places and things. No one kept you from them. No one made it difficult for you to be with them. You did it all yourself. You made choices that reverberate today. Own up to it. You cannot expect them to be comfortable if you yourself aren't. You cannot make up for all the neglect with a two hour dinner once every couple of months. And you cannot expect them to rely on you, count on you, seek you out, when they've experienced years of being ignored and discarded. It doesn't work like that - it's not their responsibility to repair it, it's yours, you butt. They meet you half way by showing up when you call. They meet you half way by responding to you. I once told him, years ago, that in order to fix it he had to be steadfast and consistent. He had to say he'd be there and actually show up. What did I know? Nothing apparently.
It's great to send Rebecca a text asking her to let you know how the competition went but here's a novel idea - why don't you actually come to the competition? Why does your mother have to say, "Rebecca's recital is May 21 at 2:00 at Belk Auditorium. You need to be there." If you wanted to participate in her life, dance is a big one... duh.
All our lives have changed. We've had to adapt and change and sacrifice. We've had to let go of things and work harder for others. We've had to band together and redefine what family is. Why are you any different? Why are you immune to such unpleasantness? You chose this, we didn't. F-ING OWN IT. You've been given more opportunity, more time, to change the dynamic and you've not done it. That's fine. Just don't place the blame on the kids when you don't like it. This is what's infuriated me.
Ok - time to get her to school. I have a full day of dishes and oil changes and flower planting to do - isn't a state holiday the best?
It's been a rough couple of days. Not sure how to adequately detail the whole situation but it involves the ex husband. I think the wheels are falling off the bus that is his psyche. He verbally attacked Joshua this weekend, via text mind you, because the boy failed to text him back right away. Basically the jerk called the boy a liar which, by the way, was not the case. Then he furthered the attack by saying, "I know you and Rebecca don't like me but that's ok, if you ever want to know the truth let me know." Excuse me? I was livid. Completely. I called him - what else was there to do? I've let so much go, ignored a lot, but I could not ignore this. So yeah, I called. It did not go well.
I didn't call to attack him and, believe it or not, I didn't. He was rude from the beginning, mocking me, laughing, loud. He was, if I had to bet, drunk. His "truth" as he sees it, is that HE put Joshua through college. HE and HE alone made it happen. As he said to me, "It was ME. MEMEMEMEME!" OK. I'm not disputing the fact he has been generous and consistent with the child support. There is a number that he provides every week. I acknowledge that - 100%. But there is so much more to that story than just providing a check every week and to hear him tell it his child support pays for EVERYTHING. The child support makes up for any parental misstep on his part - the child support wipes the slate clean.
After a one minute twelve second conversation he hung up on me.
What's worse is he showed up at Joshua's house as they were working to get things moved to have the flooring people come this week. He was drunk and started in with Joshua about this whole thing. Joshua told him to come back Friday at 6:30 and they'd talk. Joshua cautioned him to be sober or he'd ask him to leave. We'll see how that goes. I'm not afraid for Joshua physically - I worry about the emotional part of it but believe me, I get it, he's a grown man and can handle it himself. He's still my child, my son, and I worry about him. OK?
The audacity amazes me though. "I know you and Rebecca don't like me." Get over yourself you f-ing prick. THEY DON'T KNOW YOU! You walked out the door six years ago and didn't look back. Emotionally you'd left years before - you were preoccupied with living another life - preoccupied with other people and places and things. No one kept you from them. No one made it difficult for you to be with them. You did it all yourself. You made choices that reverberate today. Own up to it. You cannot expect them to be comfortable if you yourself aren't. You cannot make up for all the neglect with a two hour dinner once every couple of months. And you cannot expect them to rely on you, count on you, seek you out, when they've experienced years of being ignored and discarded. It doesn't work like that - it's not their responsibility to repair it, it's yours, you butt. They meet you half way by showing up when you call. They meet you half way by responding to you. I once told him, years ago, that in order to fix it he had to be steadfast and consistent. He had to say he'd be there and actually show up. What did I know? Nothing apparently.
It's great to send Rebecca a text asking her to let you know how the competition went but here's a novel idea - why don't you actually come to the competition? Why does your mother have to say, "Rebecca's recital is May 21 at 2:00 at Belk Auditorium. You need to be there." If you wanted to participate in her life, dance is a big one... duh.
All our lives have changed. We've had to adapt and change and sacrifice. We've had to let go of things and work harder for others. We've had to band together and redefine what family is. Why are you any different? Why are you immune to such unpleasantness? You chose this, we didn't. F-ING OWN IT. You've been given more opportunity, more time, to change the dynamic and you've not done it. That's fine. Just don't place the blame on the kids when you don't like it. This is what's infuriated me.
Ok - time to get her to school. I have a full day of dishes and oil changes and flower planting to do - isn't a state holiday the best?
3.22.2011
Sheesh....
Just when I think I get it - get that God is in control and in charge - He reminds me I don't have a clue... am I just this slow and undisciplined?
2.13.2011
Learner's Permit
Back in September Rebecca got her learner's permit. She could have gotten it as early as August 23rd but hadn't read the manual and I told her I wouldn't take her until she did. So she finally got around to reading it and we went. In her typical split personality fashion the ditsy little free spirit passed the test with flying colors, only missing three questions when she could miss six. The permit didn't do much for desire to drive though. She'd only want to drive on the back road around our house - refusing to drive to and from school or to the store or to dance. She didn't want to drive around cars she'd say. I figured oh well - no sense pushing it, she'd do it when she was ready. Sure enough, a few weeks ago she jumped in, drove us around one Saturday as we ran all our errands for the day. She's not a "toe dipper." Rebecca tends to wander around the shore for a while until she decides to just take a running leap and jump.
She drives me around a lot now... she has flashes of brilliance at times - when she's "on" she does really well but then there are those times... the times I feel I'm either riding with Mr. Magoo or reenacting the scene in Talladega Nights were Ricky Bobby drives blindfolded. She has a tendency to take turns at breakneck speeds or to wait until the very last moment to slow down at stop lights or behind other cars. She's gotten better at maintaining a constant speed and staying in her own lane. If she comes to a stop light in the process of turning yellow she'll hesitate - an internal conflict raging within - stop?go?stop?go? stop... FLOOR IT! I'm wearing out that mythical passenger side brake.
Another funny dimension to this whole experience is the fact Joshua is an adult and can act as a licensed driver over the age of 21 in the passenger seat. He and Holly have made comments about having a new respect for their parents for what we went through helping them... this whole "full circle" thing is a hoot! Joshua and Rebecca have both asked me which one of them is/was a better/worse driver than the other and honestly, I'm having a hard time answering that. I think teaching your child how to drive is a lot like child birth - you block the memory of the pain, it's what makes subsequent children possible. I remember taking Joshua for his permit test, taking him for his driver's tests (yes testS) and then I very vividly remember watching him drive away alone for the first time after getting his license. I don't remember all the in between stuff... yeah um... I've blocked it - that's the only explanation I can come up with - The trauma of the experience was waaaaaaaaaaay too much for me to take. I remember nothing. Amnesia.
The whole experience is funny though... she'll do something a little scary, I'll grit my teeth and try to calmly tell her what she should be doing and we keep going. I've noticed I chew more gum while she's driving. When I don't have gum I bite my tongue... literally. We'll get through it - and at some point she'll be ready to try for the license... and I will watch her drive away for the first time, all alone. I'll watch until she rounds the curve and disappears from sight, another bittersweet rite of passage :-)
She drives me around a lot now... she has flashes of brilliance at times - when she's "on" she does really well but then there are those times... the times I feel I'm either riding with Mr. Magoo or reenacting the scene in Talladega Nights were Ricky Bobby drives blindfolded. She has a tendency to take turns at breakneck speeds or to wait until the very last moment to slow down at stop lights or behind other cars. She's gotten better at maintaining a constant speed and staying in her own lane. If she comes to a stop light in the process of turning yellow she'll hesitate - an internal conflict raging within - stop?go?stop?go? stop... FLOOR IT! I'm wearing out that mythical passenger side brake.
Another funny dimension to this whole experience is the fact Joshua is an adult and can act as a licensed driver over the age of 21 in the passenger seat. He and Holly have made comments about having a new respect for their parents for what we went through helping them... this whole "full circle" thing is a hoot! Joshua and Rebecca have both asked me which one of them is/was a better/worse driver than the other and honestly, I'm having a hard time answering that. I think teaching your child how to drive is a lot like child birth - you block the memory of the pain, it's what makes subsequent children possible. I remember taking Joshua for his permit test, taking him for his driver's tests (yes testS) and then I very vividly remember watching him drive away alone for the first time after getting his license. I don't remember all the in between stuff... yeah um... I've blocked it - that's the only explanation I can come up with - The trauma of the experience was waaaaaaaaaaay too much for me to take. I remember nothing. Amnesia.
The whole experience is funny though... she'll do something a little scary, I'll grit my teeth and try to calmly tell her what she should be doing and we keep going. I've noticed I chew more gum while she's driving. When I don't have gum I bite my tongue... literally. We'll get through it - and at some point she'll be ready to try for the license... and I will watch her drive away for the first time, all alone. I'll watch until she rounds the curve and disappears from sight, another bittersweet rite of passage :-)
1.17.2011
In Her Element...
This video is her doing what she most loves to do. The first ten seconds or so is total improv... something she's getting pretty good at doing. It's been so easy to see how comfortable she's become with her body and her ability - she feels it and she lets it fly. How awesome is that?
Ballerina Takes Pom
Ok, one more video of Rebecca at the convention this weekend... another class that's atypical for her... she had a blast though... and really, that's all that matters :-)
The Ballerina Conquers Hip Hop
We've been at the Showstoppers Convention this weekend - our yearly trip to Myrtle Beach. It's been an exhausting few days for us both - especially Rebecca I suppose since she's been the one doing all the dancing (and there has been an awful lot of that) but being her personal assistant/financial benefactor/masseuse (aka mother) has been exhausting too. It's been another year of growth, both in dance and in maturity - and she continues to amaze me in all that she does. She stepped out of her comfort zone a few times this weekend and in doing so found out a lot about herself. She got chosen in several of her classes as examples of passion and expression. She has come so far...
I'm so very tired but before I head off for some much needed sleep I wanted to post this of her dancing hip hop...
I'm so very tired but before I head off for some much needed sleep I wanted to post this of her dancing hip hop...
1.11.2011
Snow 2011
We don't typically get a lot of winter weather around these parts. A few weeks ago we received some Christmas snow - a definite oddity here in good ol' South Carolina. Early Monday morning we were hit with another round and this time it was pretty bad... no work/school on Monday or Tuesday, and now no school on Wednesday. The ice that followed the snow we received has made a mess of roads and everyone is being safe by keeping as many people off the roads as possible. I've not heard about my work plans for tomorrow yet... guess we'll see. I expect there will be some type of delay.I've watched a lot of daytime television - something I'm not used to doing much anymore. Yesterday I actually watched Oprah from start to finish. Joshua cooked dinner last night and I'm going to cook it tonight. I'm finally being semi busy by washing clothes. I went out earlier and started the car - just to make sure it would. I am on the waiting list to have the car looked over before we head to the beach on Friday for the dance convention. I need to start gathering things together to pack us up for the trip. This trip's been looming and I've just thought of it as being far away... things have a way of sneaking up on ya' huh?
So pray for me... pray I get the car squared away - pray the snow clears up and life gets back to normal - pray we prepare for the trip and manage to get there in one piece, safe and sound... I'd appreciate it!
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