Strong Word

Your name pops into my head and I immediately think "I hate you."  It's not true, of course, but somehow thinking it makes it easier, makes me feel better.  It should have been obvious.  You disappeared and the reason should have occurred to me much earlier.  I hope this time she takes your feelings more seriously.  I hope this time all the reasons she left don't apply.  I hope this time she appreciates the value of your love. 

I once asked if I could read the book.  You said yes, seemed surprised that I wanted to, but it was part of you - it was your life, it was monumental, it was what set you on the course of your next twenty years.  I wish I had been able to read it, perhaps then I would understand this more - it would make more sense to me - and I could be happy for you, and for her, in a benevolently envious way.  As it stands, with just the little tidbits I know, I can't be happy for her.  I feel like she squandered it all so many years ago.  The reasons she ended it don't wash - religion?  Social status? Money?  The life it appears she ended up leading was surrounded by those things.  We once talked of second chances and do overs and the difference and availability of each.  No do overs. She sorta gets a do over though, doesn't she? 

I don't know what the dynamics are, I don't know the timing, I don't know if she contacted you first or you her.  But knowing there has been contact made it all make sense.  That's all I really want, you know - to have someone tell me honestly so it could make sense.  My ex couldn't do it, no man I've had any involvement with since the divorce could do it.  You presented yourself differently but I'm finding that the truth is more that as humans we want to avoid unpleasantness as much as possible.  We couch it by making excuses or saying we don't want to cause undo pain.   In reality, the avoidance causes more pain.  It gives us a false sense of hope.  It robs of us of choices.  Knowing the truth may hurt - most likely will hurt - but then there is the choice on how to manage the pain - how to process it and place it properly in the context of our own lives.  Not knowing leaves tons of questions and misdirects our introspection.  I've sat around wondering why I'm so forgettable, wondering what happened to necessitate cutting me out.  Wondering how it was so easy to just cut me out.  I realize now that every woman in your life must have been compared to her ghost. Every woman seems to fail miserably.  I truely hope she's worthy.