Chilly!

Baby It's Cold Outside!

It is chilly and it's 'possed to get colder - which isn't all that weird for South Carolina but ya know... we just don't ever seem to be ready for it. What do I mean by cold? Well, don't laugh, but the 40's are considered cold.... what can I say :-) Saturday is Christmas Parade day - a marathon of jingle bells and Santa baby - three, yes three... so it takes up pretty much the whole darn day (why you ask? Well - Rebecca's dance studio has a float and the girls all dance along the parade route). It's cute - and I'm sure I'll have pictures to share on Saturday for my fifth post of the month!

The promise of cold weather and the tiny little talk of possible flurries (a rarity in the winter, let alone December) had some of us reminiscing about our trip last December to NYC. It really was one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had - walking out of the hotel that Saturday morning to a steady flurry of snow flakes! It was awesome! We walked to the Cafe Edison and had breakfast and then spent the morning riding a tour bus - and all the while it was snowing - wonderful, wet, cold snow - and it snowed the whole rest of the day, and into the night as we walked around Rockefeller Center with the people and sights and sounds and the tree. That trip was truly one of the best "throw caution to the wind" moments I've ever had. I'm so ready to do it again!

It's a good night to be snuggled down under the bed covers. I'm so ready for the rest - it's been a long day... but I did have a sweet moment today - something I've not experienced in a long while... I was at the dance studio and the owner, who was teaching one of the three-four year old little girl ballet classes, came into the office where I was sitting (in her nice little office chair) and she asked the office manager to call a little girl's mother - the little lass wasn't feeling well. A was holding her and the little angel was falling asleep and A said she would just take her back to the studio and wait. I said if she'd come to me I'd hold her until mom got there. She did, easily, and snuggled onto my lap, head on my chest, little hands curled up under her for warmth and we rocked in the chair and very soon she was asleep - so very very sweet. We sat and rocked for a good 20 minutes before mom got there and I loved every minute of it. I'd forgotten how wonderful it can be to hold a little one, sigh.

So there it is - day three. LMAO - not sure I'm gonna make it to 31 - this post isn't all that coherent - there is no "arc" to it - but hey, every post doesn't have to be perfect, now does it?

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

It's December 2nd and I had this crazy idea I wanted to try and publish a blog entry a day in the last month of this year... I'm not sure how well I'm going to do with that. Sometimes I have lots on my mind and sometimes I feel pretty dim - and it's probably a real reach to expect myself to be up for publishing something everyday - but we'll see...

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is supposed to be on tonight. I remember always watching the Christmas shows when I was little - it was such a huge deal. But then of course we didn't have DVD players and we couldn't watch a show whenever the mood struck us. These days it's not such a big deal, catching it all on television, but I still remember and so whenever it occurs to me a show is on I try to watch. One of my favorites was Nester the Long Eared Donkey... always always always made me cry. It's rarely on anymore - I have watched it a few times in years past -Rebecca's seen it and she actually said to me the other day while discussing Christmas cartoons, "Mom, you know what's my favorite? Nester...." Imagine that!?!

Tonight though is Rudolph, narrated by Sam the Snowman - such a celebration of individuality and nonconformity. It's so sad how unhappy Hermey and Rudolph are because they can't be themselves... because they don't feel like they fit in. They each, independently, decide to set out because they figure being alone is the only way to go. Along the way they find the Island of Misfit Toys and discover camaraderie and experience sacrifice and exhibit untold feats of bravery. They eventually realize that love and honesty and living an authentic life are the only ways to be happy. It's ok to be who you are, even if it's different. Yeah I know, I'm grasping... I gotta get out more.

It has a great line in it though - one that was quoted to me a few years back by someone with a wonderful sense of humor during a lightheartedly warm sweet moment. I've never forgotten it and I always think of him quite fondly when I hear it - Hermey says to Rudolph, "Hey, what do you say we both be independent together, huh?" While it's cute and kinda clever it's somehow a great way to describe friendship and love - be independent together. We are all gloriously unique with our own likes and dislikes, our own strengths and weaknesses - it's what makes life interesting. When independence can coexist with respect and kindness and love, well, gee... sounds like the makings of a pretty great relationship to me.

Borne Back Ceaselessly into the Past...

You win a prize if you can tell me where I got the title from... no fair if you Google it!

I was talking to my coworker today... we were laughing about our kids and the holiday - lamenting how it's December 1st and we already feel behind - which is so very silly because the truth is I don't feel so behind... I think about it sometimes and then realize gee... I'm ok... which seems to be my current mantra. I'm really ok. Small bites... I think that's the key - it's what I remind myself of all the time... little bits at a time. And so we were talking about the holiday, our kids and our Christmas traditions and we started talking about stockings... I looked to see if I'd talked about this before here and I haven't so I will tonight because I'm realizing as I work all this out, lay it out here in my blog - my brain made visual - I'm finding it possible to let it go. At least that's the goal :-) and it's been working.

My favorite little Christmas tradition is filling the stockings on Christmas Eve. The kids are older now and Santa has sorta fallen by the wayside a bit. Last year I found it hard to do Santa, we had gone to New York and that was Rebecca's big gift and Joshua had asked for a few small expensive things and so saving them and putting them under the tree on Christmas morning seemed silly. And this year it's not so different - they are both getting BIG ticket items for Christmas - things they already know - and there are a few little surprises they don't know about but to do the whole Santa leaving gifts under the tree thing just seems an effort to perpetuate something when we're all in on the secret. The one thing I do though, that I think I will probably always do, is fill their stockings... they get excited about that, it's the surprise, and they've always seemed to enjoy it so much. I spend a lot of time and effort on the goodies that I put in them. I get their most very favorite candies, a pair of the funniest boxer shorts I can find for Joshua and a pair (or two) of cute little panties for Rebecca - trinkets and treasures, silly and serious - small extravagances personally tailored to their personalities. I think they love them all so much because they are so personal.

Don't get me wrong - I don't do all this in an effort to achieve some kind of perfection. Tucked among the tiny treasures will be pencils and deodorant, practicalities that make life easier. I don't stress over the stockings - I stumble across the things I place in those stockings on Christmas Eve - things catch my eye or I'll already have an idea for something - and so this whole stocking tradition is fun for us all - it's never a chore, never a hassle... for me it's the Spirit of Christmas, and it's lighthearted and fun.

And so this comes to my story - my tale of a Christmas past. I've always done everyone's stocking, that is except mine because that's sorta of silly huh? My ex would do mine, and at first, in the beginning of our marriage, he would fill it with little things like my favorite candy and perhaps a piece of jewelry. I had no expectations about what would be in it, it was up to him, his choice - that's what made it so great. At some point, after Christmas became a chore for him, became uncomfortable and difficult and unbearable, he stopped putting any thought into it at all - and hey, that's ok... because I don't want a gift to be forced, it sorta stops being a gift if it's forced, don't you think? And then one Christmas Eve, as I was putting out the gifts and filling the stockings it occurs to him that hey, he's gotten nothing to put in my stocking. And so he tells me so... says he forgot... and I say ok... no big deal - all the while smiling and holding back tears at the same time. The worst part was his reaction to it all - instead of thinking about me, thinking about how I felt he took it, turned it into his own personal little pity party and called himself names and got upset. It had nothing to do with me really... if it did it wouldn't have happened in the first place... it was all about him, like so much else, and of course, once again, I couldn't feel bad because he was feeling bad and his bad feelings were more important than my bad feelings.

The next morning we're all up, opening gifts, I'm snapping pictures and the kids are reveling in their gifts when stocking time comes - and everyone is pulling out their treaures, laughing over the little funny things tucked inside and Rebecca says in her then innocent adolescent voice, "Hey momma, you must have been bad this year 'cause Santa didn't leave anything in your stocking!" A dagger in my heart - but I laughed it off... smiled and said, "Yeah I must have been" and gave her a hug. He looked at the floor and didn't say a word.

So now it's time to but that to bed, leave it where it's supposed to be - in the past. For so long now I've been holding onto stuff, situations, remembering, I think, as a way to prove to myself it all really did happen, it all really did have an effect on me. See... see... I wasn't crazy - it did happen, it did! Visually I can place it in the box, put the lid on and put it away - high up on the shelf. It's a memory, a part of my life and it's not going away - the trick though, as I'm learning little by little, is to place it all in the proper perspective. But perhaps that requires some distance, and as I've slowly moved forward I'm finally getting the distance needed. Christmas Past is over and it's time to focus on Christmas Present...

What a BEAUTIFUL Day!

34-17

What a fantastic game!

Sure feels good to win bragging rights for the year!

Go Cocks!

Thanksgiving and Gratitude

It is Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving Y'all! And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

Yesterday at work, one of the ladies from the state office sent around this quote - and gee... guess what? It was something I really needed to hear. It's a quote from Melodie Beattie and here it is:

“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”

Yesterday, as I went about my business - leaving work early because we were allowed too :-), I made a few stops on my way to the grocery store. I popped into my favorite jewelry store. They always have a big sale Thanksgiving week and I found a nice silver pair of big hoops for Rebecca (shhh don't tell her) and also the prettiest pair of charms to hang on them made from some type of shell. I then went to Belk and bought Joshua two pairs of dress pants and two nice shirts to wear with them; a real departure from buying my son his favorite Levis... lol. Next I went into Hallmark and bought wrapping paper and lastly made it to Publix and bought some wonderful groceries for the rest of the week - I bought my favorite tarragon chicken salad and some great snacks, two bottles of wine (a Riesling and a Beaujolais), I got stuff to make dips to take to my parents for Saturday's game day... I loaded up to the tune of 120 some odd dollars all on the most indulgent stuff, things I don't typically buy, it is the holiday after all! I topped the whole shopping excursion off by stopping at Starbucks for a latte as I headed home.

As I did all this I concentrated on what was good... what was positive. I have bought Christmas presents... with money I have and I bought what I wanted to buy... and now, for the first time perhaps, when we put up the tree in December I will have gifts, wrapped and ready, to go under the tree. I bought wrapping paper from Hallmark... something I've not done in a long time because I couldn't justify spending more money on wrapping paper than necessary even though I love their paper because it's thicker and wraps better and is so pretty. I've not had the money, the resources, to splurge and this year I do.

Last night was a good night - I made potato soup - the kids and I laughed and joked... and at some point all three of them ended up reflecting on our memories and moments over the years. They remember things, little things, and it was good to hear all this. Their lives are made up of all the everyday things we've done and they have a fondness associated with that. We've been a family - a whole family - and I've given them an anchor, a foundation. They turn to me when they are hurting or happy, they respect me, and listen to me, even if it's not always what they want to hear. Somewhere along the way I've had to have done something right - don't you think? And tonight we're thinking about going to the movies...

Thanksgiving and Gratitude - it's important to reflect and concentrate on those things, especially when it's the hardest to - this is my gratitude...

• My children are happy and healthy people - my daughter is active and successful in both school and dance, she is funny and smart and beautiful inside and out - my son has entered adulthood with all the tools necessary to succeed and so now it's all up to him, he has a degree, a job, and no debt, plus he's a fine man, a gentleman.
• I have a great job... I'm productive and busy, I use my brain a lot and my people skills - there is always more to learn, more people to meet. I've been able to take my life experiences and apply them to this job.
• I have good health insurance, dental coverage and after the first of the year, vision coverage - I have more life insurance and I have a retirement plan.
• My work schedule is such I can still do all the things with Rebecca's schedule that I need to do - I work 30 hours a week (well really more) but I'm still able to pick her up from school and take her to dance - and on those days I can't I have two grandmothers to help me.
• I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car in the drive way. I have money in my bank accounts -
• I have friends who make me laugh, so hard sometimes it makes me cry - we share and support one another - I've been blessed to have them.

So that's a start... this morning I have The Macy's Parade... I have four tickets to see New Moon tonight... I have crazy kids... I have cheese straws... I will make a pumpkin pie and take a shower and keep my mind focused on my haves as opposed to my have nots. While it's not been an easy road I know I am blessed - I have survived, and at times thrived, and the future is still unknown... my it hold untold, unimaginable, joy, peace and love... for all of us.

Growing Up Too Too Fast

Sitting at the studio waiting for class...

To Cry or Not to Cry... is that the question?

This song makes me bawl... and it's funny because things don't make me cry like they used to... I went through this phase where I cried a lot - oh not so that anyone would ever know or see... I was sneaky about it, couldn't let anyone see me weak ya' know. I've mentioned before how I'd sob in the shower... tears streaming down my face but they mixed with the water in the shower and so it was hard to tell which was which sometimes. I would cry, sob, until the sound would choke in my throat, until there was nothing but silent shaking, and I knew I was done... at least until the next time.

Joshua was in college and Rebecca is a very hard sleeper, a bomb could go off in the house and she'd sleep right through it. The shower was the perfect place... and it would be early early morning, the hardest part of the day for me, the loneliest. And then, at somet point, I guess I cried so much that I just couldn't cry anymore... and I didn't, not for a long while. Something hardened in me and I just couldn't do it anymore - maybe the sadness and the grief was replaced by anger, I don't know... and so for a very long time I didn't cry....

Then it started coming back, the tears... certain moments of mourning - moments unrelated to my ex, or my marriage, or my divorce - would prompt them. Feeling started coming back, like frozen fingers as they begin to thaw... and it was painful. I can cry now... I don't like to do it but I can... it happens at times, sometimes when I least expect it... but it's not sobbing. Sobbing is just so guttural... I've lost the guttural somewhere along the way... now I'm back to just sniffles, tears, and the occasional bawl... all normal stuff really.

...and this line... it's the one that brings the tears: And I wonder if I ever cross your mind - For me it happens all the time...