Appomattox

I’ve always loved the Peanuts… you know the comic strip… but let me sorta put that into some sort of context… I’ve always loved the specials that come on television during the holidays – the Christmas and Thanksgiving ones… there is a Valentines one I think (ugh) and oh, Halloween… can’t forget that one… “I demand restitution!” I love Charlie Brown – so hopeful and sure that somewhere around the next turn things will even out… willing to try, try again… naive… trusting… good. Even when Lucy pulled the ball away time and time again he still got up and was willing to try one more time. I've tried to be like Charlie Brown - I promise I have, but lately though I’ve decided I feel more like Pig-Pen… a cloud of dust following me everywhere and settling on each and everything I touch….

I know I know I know… another poor pitiful excuse for a blog entry… I know. What am I bitching about now? I’m not bitching… I’m waving the white flag, admitting defeat – this is my Appomattox. My way isn’t working… none of the ways I’ve tried have worked. I’ve put my nose to the proverbial grindstone… I’ve worked on me… I’ve forged ahead… I’ve taken each defeat in stride… gotten back up, I’ve let go of so much… and ya know that’s just not good enough I guess. That phrase “hitting rock bottom” gets thrown around – and mainly with folks who are living destructive lives in some way or another… I’m not destructive – I sat in the office of a friend this week… maybe friend is too familiar of a word – I sat with a lady who knows me… knows my situation… knows the story – the struggle – and she’s been there herself. She’s in her 60’s… got her degree when she was 54… and now she is in charge of one of the USC system satellite schools… we were talking about my degree – or lack there of… and she was looking at my academic history, trying to see what was the easiest path to (finally) getting my BA. I need four classes…. FOUR(*). Can’t do them here… have to drive up the road and do it… but yeah four. And we were talking about this – hashing out how and when and where and all that good stuff and she just stopped and said – you’re amazing… I thought – huh? I said - no… I’m not really – and she said you don’t understand how many people I see come through here… none nearly as competent and focused as you – none doing nearly the things you’ve done. So I say this, revisit it, because I’m not a destructive person… I've not quit, I’ve worked hard but ya know? It just doesn't seem to matter - it all just seems to turn into dirt.

I’m not going to ever get ahead… I’m just not. I’ll always be playing catch up… always. I’ve got to accept that. I’m luckier than most – I know that… I know what my blessings are. I just can’t seem to articulate accurately what I mean. Maybe it’s like this – I’d love to go to Paris… or Tuscany – but doesn’t mean I am ever going to be able to make it happen. I may not have the money right now… but I can save for it… make a plan, be diligent by putting away a certain amount every week… a few dollars here and there… and I can be making headway… a growing bank account… but then something happens – you know, life… and I find that I need some of that money for extra dentist appointments, dance costumes, college tuition and books, someone shoots out a window with a bb gun and I have to pay for that… new tires, car repairs… and before you know it is all gone – no Paris… no Tuscany. And it’s like that with anything and everything… not just money but with time too and love… ah love. The opportunity slips away, passes you by and you really couldn’t control it… because there were obligations and responsibilities and variables you couldn’t account for… so what do you do? You surrender…

I surrender - oh, please don’t get me wrong - I’ll keep going, moving forward - doesn’t mean I’ll be getting ahead though. I can’t just stop… I’ve got these people following behind me right now and if I just stop they’ll get backed up and I can’t have them getting backed up… eventually at some point they’ll pass me, I’ll hand off the torch and they’ll take it and go which is what they’re supposed to do. I'll keep plugging along (and when I went to type the work along I instead typed alone...hmmm Freudian slip?) - I just don't have to feel like Charlie Brown while I do it.

* I found out I actually need five classes now... see what I mean!