Chicken or Egg

The question of the week was, "Did I make him sick?"

I wrote last week about therapy after the fact, and how valuable I'm finding it... and I spoke to the therapist this week about it, about whether she thought it was a smart thing to do... and she agreed - she had a good point, she said something to the effect that it took me this long to stop reacting to it all and start examining it for what it was... what I'm doing now, she said, is a very smart thing to be doing (and yes, I know I'm paying her... ).

So this week, I walked in with lunch and as I was setting it down I asked the question - and she laughed (she has this great laugh), and she said that the therapist answer would be "of course not" but that she understood where it was coming from... she asked me how long I'd been chewing on that one and I guess the truth is I've been chewing on it for almost ever....

I've written before about how I became this really unhappy, dissatisfied, lonely person... and that made me into someone who I would describe as negative - that makes me cringe to think of myself that way - but I was, and I'm not proud to say that... I don't mean to say that I was rude, or unkind in anyway to anyone, but I know there was an inherent sadness to me and that colored how I reacted to each and everything in my life. I didn't realize to what extent it did until I didn't feel it anymore - until I had to do things and they were no longer chores - I felt lighter, and at times giddy - and people I would run into while I was out and about would comment and say how great I looked and smile and ask me what was new to make me seem so content and satisfied.

One of my ex's big complaints about me was my negativity (to go along with all the other complaints) and I've wondered for a long time now whether his assertion had merit or not - I mean, I didn't remember always being negative and I am more than willing to admit that I did become negative - but as I asked the therapist, was it a chicken or egg thing - was my negativity a result of his illness or did my negativity make him ill... and she said something about me taking on responsibility for all the ills of the world and we laughed. But she got it, and that's been the great thing about seeing her, this woman who's been part of the equation from the beginning, is that there is nothing to really explain to her. It's then that she pointed out how I'm capable of looking at all sides of an issue, how I'll look into the future, formulate a plan - and how the ex saw that as negative - say he wanted to buy a boat (which he talked about doing a lot) and I say, well, let's talk about it - and he sees that as negative... I wasn't saying yes or no - I was trying to figure out how he planned on paying for it and whether or not is was something we could afford - she said that's not being negative that's being a realist... and for someone like him, someone with huge addiction problems and no impulse control, of course that was negative to him.... and so it helped put that into perspective for me.

I am a realist - and it doesn't have to be a dirty word, an undesirable thing to be. My job has illustrated this all for me so well, so clearly, and I guess it's what 's brought this question to the forefront of my mind. I interact with people all day long, I talk to them, I help them, I listen - and while I have to be honest and realistic with them, I'm not negative or unkind - and I encounter people who are - and it's shown me, once again, I'm not what I was painted as being - he made me into the bad guy, he had to... his reality wouldn't have been palatable any other way.

We talked about a few other things - friends, relationships - men. She says I need to blow this little popsicle stand of a town I live in but that's not going to happen right now, I'm not going to move my daughter at the moment - not just so I can get laid... I realize me, being who I am, makes it harder to find a man here... but I'm just having faith in the Lord that whatever direction I need to take will reveal itself to me all in due time... but I'm not going to force it in an attempt to be selfish and satisfy any of the baser more animalistic needs I may have - but I'm being silly actually because what I truly want is a whole, well rounded relationship - mind, spirit, body :-) "Boning for sport" (to quote a certain someone), is not in my vernacular.

*and as an addendum: the therapist also suggested weeks ago I start taking a multi vitamin and fish oil and I participate in some kind of regular exercise - I've started the vitamin and the fish oil and am taking it everyday - I'm working on the exercise, it's still a sporadic activity, so my goal is finding a way to make it a more regular occurrence - I'll let y'all know how it goes.