Wouldn't ya know, I get a boost in my pay check and the motor on the air conditioner goes out. There goes this months increase! Oh well, at least it's there to cover it right? I just hope it's truly fixed... I always wonder, especially after all the trouble we had getting the heating unit fixed in December. Sheesh. At the moment conditions feel comfortable, so we'll see. Fingers crossed :-)
Today was a weird day - not sure why really. The day after a holiday? Coming back from a trip? I don't know to be honest. Tomorrow Rebecca has a dentist appointment so I'll take my lunch time to grab her and take her there, get her teeth cleaned, pay for it (the part insurance doesn't cover), and run her home. Fun stuff, good times. Today after work I ran to the store and picked up a few things for the week grocery wise. I just feel like it's a non stop marathon sometimes - here, there, yonder - anywhere and everywhere. I enjoyed the weekend but it was constant movement - I'd like a lazy weekend: one where I can sleep late and have a leisurely breakfast, a walk, a snuggle, a really great meal with lots of conversation and good wine. Who am I kidding though?
I was at the Walmart today (and yes, I know I put "the" there, that's how we refer to it around this house, either that or Wally World) and I was buying some ant killer because it's rained a lot and the ants migrate when it does - and for some reason they migrate to the air conditioning unit... so I was getting the ant killer and looking at some solar lights to put outside around the garden area in front of the driveway. It's something I've been contemplating... I can't decide though how much I want to invest in them... so I've been holding off. For some reason it made me sad... standing there looking at them. It sounds silly I know, but I had this moment where I wasn't standing there alone, I had this mini little daydream I guess, and I was discussing the choices with some unknown partner. I guess it's just that I do so much stuff alone, make so many decisions and choices on my own that every now and again I get this flash of what it would be like to not do it all alone... and it's funny that it's not about big stuff, like fixing the air conditioner. It's about all the little things, like solar lights. That seems so sad, and sorta pathetic, really - don't you think?
For some reason, at least for right now and who knows, perhaps for the rest of my days on this earth, I'm meant to travel this journey alone. Yes, I realize I'm not completely alone... I have the kids and I have my family but it's not the same. I don't take any of the other for granted - a huge step forward for me... at one time my loneliness did cloud my vision and kept me from enjoying the here and now. It doesn't anymore and I can truly say that if my life remains the way it is now I will go to my grave feeling like I did accomplish something in this life. I don't live life waiting - but that doesn't negate the desire to share life with someone else... I just have to make sure I put it all in perspective, for whatever that's worth.
I started going back to therapy because, as I told her, I was living too much in my own head and I knew that was a problem. I've made progress with that I think, although sometimes I think part of that is just exhaustion from working and parenting lol! There has been a definite shift in my fear factor though, before I was afraid I'd be alone and now I'm afraid all I'll ever be comfortable with is being alone. I used to be afraid of never hearing "I love you" and now I'm afraid I will never be able to say it. Can one become so secure in the silence that opening up becomes more of a burden than a blessing? That's my fear now... the therapist says I'm wired to be in a relationship... but can I become rewired? And does the longer I live like this guarantee I'll stay like this because I won't be able to wrap my mind and heart around anything else? That's funny I think... if someone were to "save" me it wouldn't a matter of saving me from the world... it would be saving me from myself - from being too independent, too self sufficient, too cold and closed.
That's not how it works though... it's just not how it works... and that, I would guess is the mantra of a resigned romantic.
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