hot, Hot, HOT

It was 101 today (and yes that's Fahrenheit). But really it's been 101 give or take a degree for the last week or so - or perhaps longer - I've lost track. All I know is it's hot - very hot. Ok, fine, that's not so unusual for South Carolina but it just seem sorta early for the triple digits. The air conditioner seems to run continuously and walking out the door takes one's breath away. I wish we had a pool. June is quickly coming to an end and we don't go to the beach until August. Whatever am I to do? Nothing... that's what. lol!

I've not been blogging much lately - seems almost pointless. I have stuff to blog about but it sorta just all falls flat - like I'm whining - and we all know how fruitless that is for me. I asked the therapist last time I was there to answer a question for me - to tell me how it is that so many women who are difficult and unpleasant to live with have men who seem hellbent on making sure it all works - no matter how much they get shit on while doing it. She said she already had the answer but I'd have to wait to hear it until I came back in July. I'm looking forward to hearing the reasoning since my brother seems to be the latest to fall into that category. Apparently I butted into their conversation while at my mom's house last Sunday - the three of us are standing in the kitchen and he got more bbq meat and she made a comment to him about having had enough and it's time to quit eating and I said something about it being good stuff (from Henry's of course) and because I said that I was sticking up for him and butting in. Go figure. The whole situation is more complicated than that... they've been having problems for a while now... but I guess sister in law is using my comment and the fact she believes my mom served everyone a drink but her as an excuse to not come to my folk's house for a while. Okie dokie.

So yes, I'm curious to hear what the therapist's views are on this subject. Nothing I ever did close to pouting or being angry or pitiful ever worked - ever got a reaction. I got ignored or told I was being childish. I learned not to do it because it was a waste of energy and emotion. I learned not to do a lot because it was a waste of energy and emotion. I shut down, shut myself off, far less painful than continuously opening myself up just to get ignored or rejected. Is there anything more painful than rejection?

I've been feeling like I'm dwelling on that a lot lately. But it's hard not to do though. When you walk out into the world with a screwed up history in relationships and (supposedly) (hopefully) armed with a new set of coping skills you never are sure what's going to happen. You're anxious to try it all out - see if you can forge a new way of relating... but it's not that easy and it all leaves you frustrated. I still can't shake this idea, this feeling, that I'll always be alone. It's just not in the cards.

And then, speaking of f-ed up relationships, I've not blogged about the ex's reaction to the engagement. He was pretty much the last family member to know. Not my decision. He seemed reserved and if I read the reaction correctly I think he was hurt because of this. If he's anything he's not stupid and he knew he was left out. But Joshua said he had no reason to call him before hand, no desire to consult him, ask for his opinion or advice. The ex hung around for a grand total of no more than 15 minutes to hear the story of the proposal and then he cut out - left us there with his parents where we visited for about two hours. He continues to perpetuate the dysfunction... poor fella - he works daily to reinforce this whole "I'm just a piece of shit" excuse and then slinks out the back door. Whatever gets him off. He's two people if you want to know the truth. He's the poor fella, piece of shit, no good asshole who can't seem to get any of it right and then he's the unique, special, better than everyone else guy who can't catch a break. He's both these and he believes he's both - there is no mistaking that. That's why no matter what Joshua chose to do about the engagement or chooses to do about the wedding he can't please him so he shouldn't even try. The ex really doesn't want the responsibility but he's not going to admit it - so he'll use it to garner some sympathy in the meantime. pecker head.

And so there you have it - a post that's neither coherent nor cohesive. What do you expect from a chick with a sunfired brain? Too bad the body doesn't have a little of the sun kissed look, eh?