Another Day

I've decided to go back to therapy. It's been a long haul - the last three years - and I've had some ups and some downs... more downs perhaps than ups, and I just feel this need to finally sort it all out, once and for all. I've got this great new insurance coverage, and when I called the therapist on Friday and left her a message she called back pretty quickly - which I took as a good sign. I did go back into therapy after the ex left... went for a while and for some reason it kinda fell flat and I didn't get the opportunity to continue it - it might have been a money issue at the time - and then I went back a year and a half ago - hoping to solve all the ills then and I went a few times and our schedules got in the way and it all fell by the wayside. Now it should be better... I have good coverage, I have a flexible schedule and I have nothing standing in my way... I'll simply take my day planner with me every time I go...

I've had a bit of a struggle this week - one I'm not sure I want to talk about just yet... it surprised me though, and the fact I was surprised by it surprises me. I should be immune by now to such things but obviously I'm not. I've had some supportive friends, a real change for me from this time three years ago - and I've reached out more and accepted their care and concern and their sympathetic ear. I went out with my best girl friend and had dinner (half a bowl of soup - I'm definitely NOT an emotional eater) and then she and I went by our male friend's appartment for a drink (which I didn't even come close to finishing). But it was so nice to be there with people who cared. I even got a foot rub - and to be honest with you I think that's the first time a man has ever done that for me - it was heavenly and he was in no hurry to stop (good thing I'd had a pedicure a few days ago). Then the evening got silly and my gf got out some music for dancing and we all pranced around the room doing something that sorta, kinda, maybe resembled dancing. It was definitely an almost pee-in-your-pants good time. We laughed so hard!

I know this feeling will pass. I know it will... it always does. But what I'm wondering is why it's like this at all. I guess that's what's called life - I don't know. I can't figure out why it's this hard though - can't figure out why it all has to be so complicated. I can't figure out why good things can't just happen and can't just stay - why can't it be simple? I guess a naive part of me just kept thinking that after all I've been through, the pain, the heartache, the struggle -that somewhere there would be a reward - that the things I most want and desire would eventually be mine - and I guess, perhaps, it still could be - but my heart, my spirit, gets broken and beaten down a little bit more everyday - and it's hard for even the most optimistic and hopeful person not to feel like they've hit that brick wall.

The sun comes up in the morning - it always does... and for some reason what works for others just doesn't seem to work for me - and I 've got to figure out why - thus back to therapy. When I spoke to the therapist I kinda said, "You'd think I would have figured this out by now." And she said no. She said, "What you've been through, how long it all went on, it's no wonder you feel the way you do." And so we made the appointment... couldn't do it next week because I will be at the beach but will do it the day after we get home... good for me. yeah. :-)

So... for now - in the words of my foot rubbing friend, " Time will heal dear."