August

No Surprise

My daughter's birthday is right around the corner. She'll be 14 in less than a week and she starts high school tomorrow - seems like just a blink of an eye since she was born, and now she's heading toward graduation and college. I can remember the events leading up to her birth so clearly - I actually remember the pregnancy so clearly - which is sorta odd... but not really odd I guess... it's just that it seems like from the moment I found out I was pregnant I began living in this little world that consisted of just her and me. That's not entirely true, of course - I had my eight year old son and I had a husband - I had a part time job and I had a semester of school to finish... and I did all those things, took care of everyone - and I was happy and content while doing it. But as I carried her, and the pregnancy progressed, I was in this little self contained bubble that consisted of me and this little life inside me. I would fall asleep at night cradling my tummy and have the most peaceful moments I've ever experienced as I drifted off to sleep.

Perhaps that's why this bond she and I have now isn't so odd to me. People look at the two of us and comment about how much she and I look alike - and they always say how beautiful she is - which makes me chuckle a little - equating her looking like me and beauty in the same vein... but she is me, a better me - and yet she's all herself too.

She had definitely gotten the short end of the stick throughout all this shifting in circumstance. Her dad missed her tenth birthday - and that was before he left - months before he left... and now we know why. He had other people he wanted to be with more than he wanted to be with his daughter. That was also the first year her brother was in college and so he'd already gone to school and he wasn't here either. And so it went - each year after... and I did what I could to make it special for her. We'd go out, we'd see a movie... I tied balloons to the porch last year and we had cookie cake at her request. Each year her dad MIA... and some years I had more money than others - but I did what I could.

This year will be different... her brother is here - her dad lives ten minutes away with his parents and so they are all getting together the night before her birthday for a celebration. Her cousin's birthday is the day before hers and he is turning nine - so this year, for the first time, we are having a joint party. We've not attempted this before because my sister in law has always wanted him to have his own party... which has been fine. My mom, though, this year sorta insisted that we do it together since the party was to be on daughter's day anyway. So this year will be different... and yet she seems underwhelmed.

I suppose all the hoopla surrounding her birthday this year is a departure... for several years now it's been the two of us - and we've become comfortable with one another. I think she and I had been shell shocked at first... both of us longing for the familiar cadence of our previous existence - the sounds and the sights, the lights and the chatter. It all disappeared, seemingly over night - and all we had was each other. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not fighting this year's dynamic - I'm not complaining or lamenting. She looks to me for the temperature, the atmospheric pressure - this is not something I take lightly, not something I choose to abuse. I celebrate the opportunities and carve out moments for the two of us - blending the two worlds the best I can...

I suppose those feelings I had during my pregnancy were a type of foreshadowing. I had no concept then and I'm sure the reality is that one has nothing to do with the other.... regardless we've fared well, the girl and I - and now, approaching 14, life is just now getting interesting.