The Texting Ex

I received a text today from the ex. Highly unusual. Highly. He wanted to see if Friday was a good night for his family to celebrate daughter's birthday... his mother and I had already discussed it on Sunday and then again this morning. I don't mind getting the text... I wouldn't mind if he called... we aren't chit chatting, we're discussing our children, and I can do anything for the kids. I've never made it difficult for him to call. I don't typically make lots of small talk, I'm fine getting down to business. I don't rehash the past events with him... I don't question him (well of course I did when his gf left because she was pregnant but hey, cut me some slack... who wouldn't?). On the rare occasions he has called to see daughter or talk to her I've accommodated him. I have not been a road block between him and the kids.

So I get this text asking about Friday and it's all apologetic - "I'm sorry for bothering you, but..." Huh? Why does he have to put that in there about bothering me? So I text back and say, yes Friday is fine. And I get a text back from him, "Thanks - didn't mean to bother you - I'm sorry." HUH? So I texted back and said, "No problem, not a bother, it's always good when you want to spend time with her."

But really it's typical - the whole "I'm sorry... I'm nothing but a pest... I'm a piece of shit." And it's tiresome and it's one of the reasons I don't initiate much contact with him... it never turns out well because it's all about him... all about how miserable his existence is... how miserable he makes everyone else. He floats around the outer circle of whatever interaction is taking place - always relegating himself to the role of an outsider. I suppose that's true though - I suppose he is an outsider. And that's a sad state... for him... for the kids... but I have no sympathy, I callously contend - I ran out of it at some point years ago. Perhaps that's wrong, something to discuss in therapy I would suppose, but I waited for years, waited for him to turn a corner, waited for him to make an effort, waited for him to engage himself by stepping into the circle... but he never did... in fact, he burned some bridges that just couldn't be repaired and he did so knowing full well the ramifications of his actions. I, therefore, have no sympathy.

I think what gets me the most, what played a prominent role in the depletion of the sympathy silo, is the knowledge his words didn't, and still don't, match his actions... don't say you're a piece of shit - don't say you hate yourself and turn around and do the exact behaviors that make you so. Achieving any kind of self awareness is a journey - I get that, Lord have mercy I get that - but any person with a modicum of intelligence has got to reach the point where he can acknowledge two things: 1. Behavior is an extension of self worth, and 2. I can control my behavior therefore I can determine my self worth. It's not about making mistakes - we all do that, we all fall short, it's what we do in the aftermath of those mistakes that becomes the determining factor.

So... there ya go... it's a small thing - the "I'm sorry to bother you" but it's something I've heard for years and years and years... it's a manipulation and it's code for so much more. Please, just make simple, straight forward contact: polite, respectful, to the point. The time for I'm sorrys has long passed us by....