At Day's End...

Where to begin? What to decide? Hard stuff... really. I finished reading South of Broad - good book... I did enjoy it. I've read some reviews that were sorta mixed but I liked it. I will say it's not as good as Beach Music though. I like Conroy's style - descriptive - almost reminds me of someone else's work I've read... writing that's touched me gently and spoken to me in the softest, most subtle hush... is it possible to fall in love through the written word?

There is one line in the book that stood out to me... "It's when you fall in love with your life that some demon force decides to take it all away." And I thought, "huh." And then... "wow." Also, I found it interesting that part of the story touched on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder. I was reading it, the chapter where it's mentioned, reading along at a steady clip and Conroy is describing life with this woman... describing her thoughts and behaviors and I'm thinking this is familiar... this is something I think I know something about and... then he says it - or writes it - and I think I said out loud, "thought so...."

It made me think of this:

I am such a cynic - truly I am. Yet somehow, as weird as this may sound - I still believe. I don't lie and it shocks me sometimes, I think, when other people do. And so, as I get to my thoughts on this rainy, cold, middle of the week night, I realize I want so much to write about something painful to me, something I've been holding in... and I'm not entirely sure how to broach the subject... I guess it all starts with the word hypocrite. Hypocrite is defined as such:

1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.

I can take a lot of junk from a person - I really can. Friendship, love, respect... it's not for the faint at heart. People disappoint, a fact of life. We all fall short, in some way, every day, in every walk of life... and I've always been quicker to forgive that in others than I have been to forgive it in myself. I work hard, well maybe that's not the right way to say it... perhaps it would be better to say it is important to me to present myself in the most authentic way possible. I am what I am - to quote Popeye - and I don't hide it. Conversely I may not stand on the highest peak and shout it to all the world... but I don't hide it. Anyone interested enough in who I am, anyone who takes the time to see me has access to it.

A little while back I was verbally attacked by someone - someone making assertions about me that were downright false. She accused me of doing things I hadn't done, saying things I hadn't said, feeling things I wasn't feeling, thinking things I wasn't thinking. She was, I think, projecting her own behavior onto me... she was doing all these things, talking out of both sides of her mouth, condemning me for being something I'm not, all the while doing all those things I was being accused of doing... in essence, she was being a hypocrite. I was told I couldn't say that but I stand by it. I've turned the other cheek, so to speak, and I've not engaged it. But it's worried me, made me anxious a little that people I do care about, people who's opinions matter to me, might have believed any of it. And this worry, this anxiety, is the only reason I write this. I don't give a rat's ass about her, only my reputation... and so I've removed myself from it, taking great steps and inordinate care to do so, and yet, she's followed me in a way - and still I choose not to engage. This feels so childish and ridiculously perverse... it feels like I'm being bullied. She tried to anger me, draw me out, force me to react... but I don't enjoy the game - and I refuse to play...

But then, while reading that chapter I was reminded, this is exactly what folks with personality disorders do...