Sunday

I've been at a loss for words lately. I've had lots of thoughts... maybe too many - these thoughts haven't translated into anything concrete, no new postings. I took another nap on this Sunday and for some reason it made me more tired. I watched two movies and did some laundry. Earlier this afternoon I watched a movie called Shopgirl and I just finished watching The Green Mile. Shopgirl was an interesting enough movie - but gee I found it depressing as hell although it wasn't meant to be. Two of the main characters have a relationship - each looking for the same things but unable to find them with each other... love is there, but it's misrepresented... under appreciated perhaps... recognized too late. And while at the end of the movie they've both moved on and are happy, it's bitter sweet:

As Ray Porter watched his Mirabelle walk away... he feels a loss. How is it possible - he thinks. .. to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then did he realize how wanting part of her... and not all of her... had hurt them both... and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.

And that made me cry.

I'm so tired of that line, that idea - it was life. So much is lost behind that statement. It's such an easy thing to say. But reality is such there is nothing else to say I suppose. There is loss... and more loss... again and again - over and over and it never stops. And God, I just want it to stop. It won't though...

I sat in church today and memories came flooding back. It was 1992 and the decision had been made to have another baby. Joshua was five and we felt pretty secure in where we were, with what we had... the timing felt right. And so it began... I was irregular and that made it hard to determine timing and I think I took a pregnancy test monthly - and this went on for two years... and I wanted that baby - I had waited for that baby - and month after month the opportunity escaped me, slipped through my fingers... and it made me sad.... I would sit in church on Sundays and I would pray - Lord, if it be Your will, please send me the blessing of a baby... Sunday after Sunday I would pray, for over two years... and well, I finally realized that perhaps I was only meant to have the one - Joshua was it, and I was ok with it and I left the possibility behind and I placed the lid back on that box of hope and I said goodbye. This was December of '94. We'd even started taking precautions again. But as you know I did have another baby - I had Rebecca. I had gotten pregnant sometime in November amid a tough bout with bronchitis, a part time job, and three college classes a week. It was her time... it was God's time... it was my time.

I sat in church today remembering that - remembering the prayers and the tears and the feeling of futility and I remembered the feeling of futility surrounding the mental illness and the affairs and the divorce. From this vantage point, however, I see the blessing... I don't want my marriage back, my ex husband - the blessing is I'm free of it all now. I am happier and I'm slowly exorcising the demons and yet... yet I'm missing something. It slips through my fingers at every turn - and I tell myself there is a reason, all in good time - but I'm not sure I believe it anymore. A resigned romantic.

Tomorrow it is my divorcivercary - two years - and this Thanksgiving I will be alone - just for the day mind you... but alone. I've always loved Thanksgiving - the food, family, the atmosphere - and it was always a kick off of sorts in my mind, the arch to walk through on the way to welcoming the whole holiday season - so low keyed compared to Christmas - a moment to savor. I've had to redefine it all now... and I'm still not accustomed to it - and I might never be. I miss the extended family - the smells - the laughter - the tradition. I miss the chaos.

And so I will end this - because I'm losing my focus - and I'm whining - perhaps it's time for bed - and if I'm fortunate I'll experience in my dreams those things missing from my reality - good night all...