Broken Record

I had therapy today - duh, it's Thursday... and we didn't really do the whole work on yourself to bits thing today, it was sorta low keyed and boring, well not really boring just sorta drama-less. And something to note: since going back to therapy this go round I've not cried often, very little in fact, and I think that means something and I'd be disingenuous if I said I didn't know why. I think I know exactly why - I think I'm pretty far into my healing journey and these last few months of therapy have been exactly what I had hoped they would be, a putting it to bed sort of exercise. I do know the rights and wrongs - the head gets it, the heart has been slow to follow... the heart is catching up though, and one day, just perhaps, they'll be in sync. Gasp! Could I, possibly, be on my way to self actualization?!? LOL!

We talked a lot about the kids today. We talked about how their father lives ten minutes away but goes three weeks + in between visits with them. We talked about Thanksgiving and my plans. She says she likes my plan for the day and wishes she could have the same sort of low keyed holiday. I'm really not upset about being alone. I will have some great snacks - really indulgent stuff... and something sinfully sweet to eat too - and an absolutely exceptional bottle of wine. I will watch some of my very favorite Christmas movies and I will enjoy the peace and quite. Not such a bad plan if I do say so...

We talked about Rebecca and how she's been affected by not having her father in her life. She has three pretty good men in her life who really adore her and really provide her with that sense of worth that girls need growing up. Would it be better coming from her dad? Sure it would - but I can't force him to be the kind of father she deserves. I spent many years standing in the divide - many years perpetuating an image of who he should have been for them. It was exhausting... and it didn't work; it just gave him permission to do whatever he wanted and be anywhere but at home. We talked about the conversations the kids and I have had about making choices in their lives concerning their dad and how they have to decide what makes them happy and not worry about how that may affect their father. Examples of impending decisions to make would be Joshua choosing someone besides his dad to be his best man or Rebecca choosing her brother to escort her in the homecoming court. These are things they both feel conflicted about - they don't feel close enough to their dad to ask him for these things. He's not been around, they can't count on him, he's disappointed them time and time again. It is only out of obligation do they even entertain the thought at all. It's not about love, it's not about trust, it's not about respect or admiration. They worry how it will make him feel... and I tell them time and time again, you are not responsible for how he feels. And I always tell them that, in the same token, they aren't responsible for how I feel. The therapist said that was the exactly right thing to be telling them, and she said I need to say it so much they think I'm a broken record.

I've become so immune to the poor pitiful, "I'm just a piece of shit" line that it doesn't register with me anymore... Joshua and Rebecca are a different story. They know intellectually what it all means, I just don't think they feel it yet. I remember when I felt it... when I let go of the responsibility - it was when I knew that if he finally did succeed in killing himself I held no accountability in it. His choices are his choices, always have been, always will be. I know this and what's more I believe it. The kids know it, they have to get to the point where they believe it... it's my responsibility to help them. It would be a wonderful thing to shield our children from all the hurt and ill of the world - kind of a hard thing to do when the hurt and the ill come from someone who is supposed to be shielding them. I can't make it go away, I can't fix it, I can, however, give them the tools to put it all in perspective, even if that involves being the proverbial broken record :-)