What Was I Thinking

Well first of all... the heat has decided to act up again this evening and the guy said they were on call 24/7 but I don't want to call at this time of night and I'm sure it will come back on again soon once it sits for a while. But, I could be wrong and this could be it although they said nothing was really wrong with it. If it's acting up again tomorrow I will call them back when it's light outside. Until then we'll muddle through.

I shopped today - for gifts and food. I'm pretty much done except for a few little things - some candy and having some pictures printed. I have a few other things to wrap and that's it. I hadn't counted on buying a phone yesterday but that's ok. I'm enjoying the phone and slowly learning how to work the features. It really is more phone than I needed but I'm sure once I figure it out I'll wonder how I ever managed without it - isn't that always the way?

My (ex) mother in law called this morning. She wanted to invite the kids and me to their house on Christmas Day. The ex, of course, will be there and I, for some reason I've not quite figured out, agreed. I'm taking my homemade mac and cheese, my (ex) father in laws favorite, and at his request. I'd prefer not to go and I'd be fine staying by myself for a few hours on Christmas Day. I'm not sure why they all feel the need to invite me over. I'm not sure what they're thinking. I just feel like they want us all to pretend it's all ok - like it used to be and I just don't like pretending. Like I said, I'm not really sure what possessed me to agree to this. I don't like seeing my ex let alone spending time with him - I don't like how I feel when I'm around him.

I was thinking about his "I just want to find passion in my life" comment today. He asked me, after that comment, if I didn't want to find passion myself. I said yes. Thinking about it now I have such a different perspective on it - now I realize passion isn't something you discover or go looking for - it's not an outside in kind of thing. Passion emanates from within. Sometimes a cause or a person can stir those feelings inside you - but it all really comes from inside - from the heart, the soul, the something... it's self driven. Truth is, as I tend to see it, he wasn't looking for passion really - he was looking for thrills - shots of adrenaline - ways to prove to himself he was still alive. That might be sorta fun I guess, if it worked long term. I'm not sure it does though - I'm not sure that looking toward others to fulfill us, to make us whole, to make us feel, works.

What happens when it fails - what happens when people inevitably let us down? What happens when we can't sustain the activity? Being alone has been painful. I've learned from it though.... learned a lot about myself, about my inner strength and determination - my will. I don't know if life is meant to be like this always. I don't know if life is always supposed to be a fight, a struggle, a test. I think though, for me, I've gotten to this place - this place where I accept the reality is it might be - and yet I've managed to carve out some wonderment, some beauty, some indulgence despite it. And so, despite the circumstance I will find a way to make the best out of spending a few hours on Christmas Day with someone I don't care to be around. I don't quite understand the thought process that's led to all this - and I don't quite understand why I've agreed to it - but I'm going to work at staying true to myself, to not lose ground on all the work I've done for myself. Tis the Season...