I hate them, misunderstandings that is... people hear you say something, or see something and they get it all wrong. That's why I like questions and answers. I can ask a question about something I don't understand and then, hopefully, get an answer that clears it all up.
I got to thinking just now that something weird happened the other day - a misunderstanding perhaps, I don't know. I also got to thinking that it's possible my blog caused the misunderstanding - but I'm not really sure. Either way I thought I might write about what I thought, and make myself clear if to no one but me...
I've been feeling very melancholy and once upon a time I found the quotes in my last blog entry that pretty much summed up a feeling I had at that time - this was oh, maybe a year and a half ago... I had a friend, someone very special to me, and I lost my friend and those quotes, well they articulated how I felt and they gave me a tad bit of comfort. Sometimes I think of my friend and I miss my friend very much and it makes me sad all over again... but it is what it is, and timing is a bitch, and should is a bs word. I still think about it though - about loss and possibilities and a dream that once seemed like it could be so real. I walk around that hole, that loss, and I go about my day and I do all those things in life I'm supposed to do. I work hard and I take care of my family and I stretch my budget and plan for the future and I hold up the world. I manage to carve out moments of wonderful and I get to experience awesome, beautiful things. And yet I've had to say goodbye to a dream I once had... even if it's a dream I had no business having....
So perhaps someone read those quotes and misunderstood what I was talking about? I don't know, maybe not. Either way my life is such that right now, at this moment I don't have a lot to give to an intense relationship. I have a few nights a month not accounted for, I will not marry again before Rebecca goes off to college and I definitely will not have a man in my house while the kids are here. Having said that I would love to go out once in a while, spend time with someone, laugh and talk and share. It would be fun to pop popcorn and watch a movie, take a day trip to the mountains to walk in the autumn color, or make a pot of chili or soup and spend a Saturday watching college football. This still seems like too much to ask for and I wonder if I will ever feel as if I deserve such things....
So that's it... I'm a good girl. I'm honest and sincere, loyal to a fault, I'm easy to please and can find humor in most anything. I love my family and I've placed a huge emphasis in my life on raising kind, exceptionally wonderful kids. I believe in God and His merciful grace and I want to do good in this world - I want my life to be a reflection of the gifts I've been given. I've endured a lot of pain and I've grown from it - I have survived. Oh, and I'd love to see the Gamecocks win a few more this season, well, actually the remainder of their games this season... but even if they don't life goes and on and we live to fight another day!
10.25.2010
10.12.2010
Quotes
"I never knew until that moment
how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had."
~Unknown
Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -
The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
~John Steinbeck
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had."
~Unknown
Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -
The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
~John Steinbeck
Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay
10.02.2010
Bits and Pieces
Ok, here's an awesome song but it's not exactly the cleanest thing on the Internet so watch at your own risk... F$%k You... it's addictive though, like Glee.
And on that note, I'm supposed to teach Sunday School tomorrow morning but I don't have the correct lesson material - I went by the church this week to get it but the secretary wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to have so she gave me what she thought it was but it was really last years stuff... the kids are so cute and I'm sure if the stuff is there in the morning we can figure it all out together so I'm not terribly stressed, just hate not having it all together. It's an overcome and adapt kind of thing though and I've gotten pretty good at doing that :-)
I worked at the yearly local BBQ fair today - the board I'm on for a local organization has a booth and they work to educate parents about early childhood education. After doing that the kids and I met up with my folks and took in some of the sights and the food. The rest of the day has been just hanging out, watching football, relaxing.
Yesterday I took a "mental health day" and didn't work. It was great! I dropped Rebecca off at school, went to the grocery store, came home and cooked a chicken which I later used to make chicken stew and then I made an apple pie (yes, homemade). I washed clothes and cleaned the house. I cleaned out the fridge and paid the first of the month bills. I took the trash and stopped at the bank on my way to get Rebecca from school. It was such a great fall day - I felt like I was nesting some... it was lovely. Absolutely lovely...
I went to therapy on Thursday. We talked some about my brother but mostly we talked about me and this growing distrust I have of people but men in particular. We talked about how awesome the Peanuts cartoon is and how relevant to relationships it is - how Charles Schulz was so perceptive. Once upon a time I was going to blog properly about the Halloween special and Sally's declaration about restitution. I 've also been thinking a lot about Lucy, Charlie Brown and that darn football.... the football can really be a symbol of almost anything but the fact Lucy misrepresents her intentions to Charlie Brown makes it all about trust. Is that what life and love all boils down to? Trust?
The therapist and I talked about what I wanted in a relationship - and I said I'd like to experience it because I don't feel like I truly ever have. She cautioned me to look back at the early years of my marriage, wasn't there a time then when things were good she asked? Yes, well, there was good... but to describe it as what I truly want in a relationship I can't. I wasn't old enough, wise enough, to know I guess and we laughed at how people really shouldn't get married until 30 (which someone else has said a lot also). I may not have known then what it was I wanted, at least not as clearly as I know now, but the relationship was still flawed, and I was just too naive, stupid, young to know why. We did have some good moments and we did do things that worked. He was gone a lot though, there was enough movement in his life to make it all fresh and interesting. The neglect was there though, and I had myself convinced it was ok. It was ok enough for me to have stayed, ok enough for me to let some things I wanted/needed go. Now though, I have a more clearly defined idea of my wants and needs - I just have to figure out what to do with that knowledge.
And so we're back to trust. I want to be able to trust, the fear I won't be able to still persists though. That's a tall order for any man who chooses to take me on, God bless him. I feel sorry for the man who truly does ever love me... the therapist said he'll have a lot of work to do... but she also said she believes he's out there, searching for me. It's a nice thought, isn't it? I'm just not so sure it's so true...
And on that note, I'm supposed to teach Sunday School tomorrow morning but I don't have the correct lesson material - I went by the church this week to get it but the secretary wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to have so she gave me what she thought it was but it was really last years stuff... the kids are so cute and I'm sure if the stuff is there in the morning we can figure it all out together so I'm not terribly stressed, just hate not having it all together. It's an overcome and adapt kind of thing though and I've gotten pretty good at doing that :-)
I worked at the yearly local BBQ fair today - the board I'm on for a local organization has a booth and they work to educate parents about early childhood education. After doing that the kids and I met up with my folks and took in some of the sights and the food. The rest of the day has been just hanging out, watching football, relaxing.
Yesterday I took a "mental health day" and didn't work. It was great! I dropped Rebecca off at school, went to the grocery store, came home and cooked a chicken which I later used to make chicken stew and then I made an apple pie (yes, homemade). I washed clothes and cleaned the house. I cleaned out the fridge and paid the first of the month bills. I took the trash and stopped at the bank on my way to get Rebecca from school. It was such a great fall day - I felt like I was nesting some... it was lovely. Absolutely lovely...
I went to therapy on Thursday. We talked some about my brother but mostly we talked about me and this growing distrust I have of people but men in particular. We talked about how awesome the Peanuts cartoon is and how relevant to relationships it is - how Charles Schulz was so perceptive. Once upon a time I was going to blog properly about the Halloween special and Sally's declaration about restitution. I 've also been thinking a lot about Lucy, Charlie Brown and that darn football.... the football can really be a symbol of almost anything but the fact Lucy misrepresents her intentions to Charlie Brown makes it all about trust. Is that what life and love all boils down to? Trust?
The therapist and I talked about what I wanted in a relationship - and I said I'd like to experience it because I don't feel like I truly ever have. She cautioned me to look back at the early years of my marriage, wasn't there a time then when things were good she asked? Yes, well, there was good... but to describe it as what I truly want in a relationship I can't. I wasn't old enough, wise enough, to know I guess and we laughed at how people really shouldn't get married until 30 (which someone else has said a lot also). I may not have known then what it was I wanted, at least not as clearly as I know now, but the relationship was still flawed, and I was just too naive, stupid, young to know why. We did have some good moments and we did do things that worked. He was gone a lot though, there was enough movement in his life to make it all fresh and interesting. The neglect was there though, and I had myself convinced it was ok. It was ok enough for me to have stayed, ok enough for me to let some things I wanted/needed go. Now though, I have a more clearly defined idea of my wants and needs - I just have to figure out what to do with that knowledge.
And so we're back to trust. I want to be able to trust, the fear I won't be able to still persists though. That's a tall order for any man who chooses to take me on, God bless him. I feel sorry for the man who truly does ever love me... the therapist said he'll have a lot of work to do... but she also said she believes he's out there, searching for me. It's a nice thought, isn't it? I'm just not so sure it's so true...
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