Argh.

Does anyone know me?  I mean really?  Anyone?  I had the friend who tried to set me up with the fella mentioned in a previous post... and now, now  have another friend trying to set me up with someone else.  Not good - not good at all.  Sheesh.  With friends like these I really don't need an enemy.  Not at all.  Ugh.

Ok, this guy seems nice enough.  Hard working fella - that's a plus.  He has two grown sons - one's a cop and the other a fire fighter.  His wife, apparently, cheated on him and he's done the lion's share of raising his boys.  My friend says he's a very nice guy and I have no doubt that's true.  She wants to know why I have reservations.  Well, I did check out his facebook like she told me to and he friend requested me and I accepted it.  He lives a very different kind of life than I do.  First off - something he has no control over - but his son is engaged to a girl I just can't stand.  The idea of spending time with her does not appeal to me at all.  Then there is the fact he likes auto racing.  This is something I detest.  I know there are people out there that love it - live by it.  Me, I don't understand it,  don't have any desire or inclination to want to understand it.  The whole culture surrounding it turns my stomach.  Hey, more power to those folks who love it - I'm just not one of them. 

He smokes.  That's a big deal to me also.  My ex did and I hated it.  I never "let" him smoke in the house.  That's how he looked at it.  Me, I looked at it like I was doing what  could to keep me and the kids as under exposed to it as possible.  I hate the way it smells and don't want my clothes or house or me smelling of it.  I don't want my kids smelling of it either.  I don't want to spend time some place where I come away smelling of it.  If people choose to smoke that's their prerogative.  I don't enjoy the smell of it on someone else and I don't enjoy the taste of it. Smoking was a big part of what I did not find attractive about my ex.  I did not enjoy smelling it on him and I did not enjoy kissing him.  Smell is a big sensual to me... I want natural smell and I love the smell of a nice cologne but I actually find repulsion in the smell of cigarette smoke.  Smoking also seems to be a big preoccupation with people who engage in that habit.  They spend a lot of time making time to do it.  It's almost impossible to find a place that will allow you to smoke - and I'm not interested in sitting down to a nice dinner where the smell of smoke overpowers the smell and taste of the food.

My friend, she says I should give him a chance because he's a nice guy.  I've tried to tell her I don't dispute him being a nice guy - I just don't think he's someone I'm compatible with at this time in my life.  She said I should learn to like new things.  That's just it though, auto racing - it's not a new thing.  Soccer, now that would be a new thing for me.  There was a time in my life I had never experienced hockey and then I had the opportunity to go to a game and it was fun.  It's not something I seek out now, it's not something I follow closely but I can find enjoyment in it, especially when I share the experience with someone else.  Auto racing I have experienced.  There was nothing about it I found fun - not the races or cars or personalities nor did I find enjoyment in the culture that surrounds it.  Sharing the experience with someone is not going to change my deep, abiding dislike for the "sport."

And here's my thing about "learning to like new things."  I like the things I like - it took me a really long time to let myself do that - like the things  like.  I want to spend time with someone who likes the things I like too.  Not someone who learns to like the things I like but someone who genuinely likes the things I like.  I'm open to new experiences, yeah - but I'd like to share those things I like with someone who likes them too - someone  I like who likes me.  I'm looking for a kindred spirit I suppose.  I'm too old to settle for anything less...  I'm too old to reinvent myself... I'm too old to adapt myself to someone else's likes.  I've spend too many years denying what I like, down playing it, and doing without.  I won't do that anymore.  I won't.  I know what I want... I may not be able to completely articulate it to someone else what I want but I know, and I'll know when I meet it. And I know when  have met it - even if having it isn't possible right now.  Timing is a bitch... but bad timing isn't an excuse for poor choices.  Like I've said before - I'd rather be alone for all the right reasons than with someone for all the wrong ones.  Just because someone is nice doesn't mean he's right for me. 

You Just Never Know

Angels come to us in so many different ways, and at the oddest times.  Isn't it funny how that works?  For months, maybe years, I've been saying to myself I really need to get my butt out the door and start walking again - I really need to get back into that groove, find that motivation.  I mean, I could remember being so focused on it at one time, but that was during and after the first affair and the kids were smaller and I needed to get away and be able to think and the only time I could do that was when I walked - so I did.  Weight fell off and I felt awesome - had not felt that good physically in a very long time.  For six months straight I walked.  At some point life got in the way and my walking fell by the wayside.  I lost ground... and I ended up here, wondering if I'm gonna look like a giant tootsie roll in my mother of the groom dress when really I just wanna look like one hot momma!  LOL!

One of the aspects I absolutely love of my job is I get the opportunity to work with volunteers - these folks donate their time to help children and I get to help them help the kids - it's the most satisfying thing I've ever done outside of being a mother.  But as a wonderful side benefit I get to interact with some truly interesting people.  One of our volunteers is also a member of the same church I attend.  She's a few years older than me - not enough to be a parent but definitely old enough to be a big sister.  She's decided to whip my lazy butt back into shape and she's taking this project seriously.  Very seriously.  I kid her, call her a sadist, and she laughs at me - a lot.  Tonight she forced (yes FORCED) me to walk four miles and two long sections were straight up hills from hell.  I felt horrible while I was doing it, but I also knew I'd feel awesome aftewards - and guess what? I was right!

Here I was, sorta wishing I had someone to push me, and she stepped in and took the role.  We walk when we can, at least three days a week, and I'm starting to feel the positive effects.  It's killer while in the middle of it but afterwards - oh wow!  Love it!  Dad gave me money for my birthday for new "tennis" shoes and so I bought a pair of Shape-Ups - awesome shoes! I'm making changes, slowly, but still changes and I'm getting motivation from some really surprising places. I'm realizing the more I open myself up to people and possibilities, the more the blessings flow.  Thank you God!

You Can't Make This Kinda Stuff Up...

My father, with his finger on the pulse of pop culture: "The other night, I couldn't sleep and I was watching Jay Letterman, and that Lady GaGa was on his show. She's such a silly girl. She came out of an egg."

(and yes, he really said Jay Letterman)

How Icky? Let Me Count the Ways...

Ok, here is my Top Ten list:

1. He wanted to exchange pictures and so we do - cell phone pics.  Mine is a head shot with Rebecca, a pic she took on her phone right after she got it and we were at the Peace Center seeing Legally Blonde.  A pretty straight forward picture - no funny business.  I was fully clothed.  His, well... he was shirtless. Sitting on a couch.  Arm on the back of the sofa.  Ick.
2. He told me stories about his young son - ok, not bad.  Then he launched into stories about his baby momma, the ex GIRLFRIEND, who had two (or three) children from a previous marriage.  Baby momma who he met at a bar, who he thought was a wonderful girl and quickly moved with her kids into his two bedroom house and just as quickly became pregnant.  Then, just as quickly as she had their little boy she started fooling around with someone else and then promptly left Bubba for that guy and married the new fella.
3. He then told me in depth stories of his struggle with her and the child support issues - how darn much money she takes from him, how much he pays for daycare just to but son in daycare while she doesn't work, how much he made at his old job, which he quit because he wanted to be able to spend more time with son, how much less he makes at his new job.  He gave me quite a bit of information about how far behind he is on his bills and how he was picked up because he was behind on his child support.  In the second conversation he offered to let me pay his bills. Er, um. no.  And while I'm not a money whore I don't want to order off the dollar menu at McDonalds on the first date.
4. He had a very  long tirade about the health care industry - about how he does not believe in conventional Western medicine and how chiropractic care is all you need, unless of course you are in a car accident and you need stitches or to have a broken bone set. Then it's ok to go to the hospital.  He said he gets a cold and goes straight to the chiropractor.  He does not believe in immunizations and he he prefers to take his son to the chiropractor.  It bothers him when his ex GIRLFRIEND takes their son to the pediatrician.  He believes in whole foods and herbs for medicinal purposes.  Ok, different strokes for different folks.  He then insisted I listen to the ten yes TEN cds about the evils of the health care industry and how I needed to tell my family before I listened to the cds because it just could change me so much my family would think I'd lost my mind... yeah, you got that right, LOST MY MIND.  He talked about how cancer could be cured tomorrow but the pharmaceutical industry wants to keep us sick.  That look at all the things the government does to keep us sick, to mess up our health - they put additives in our foods and then he went on to describe all the teenage girls out there with double d t*****s (oh how I hate that word) and how much of an abomination that is.  (Please remember I have a teenage daughter).  Got the picture?
5. Then we talked about religion/church.  He goes to a nondenominational church.  I am Presbyterian.  Not a deal breaker necessarily.  He asked if I attended church on Wednesday nights.  Nope, I don't.  Why?  Because we don't have a Wednesday night service.  Then how do you refuel during the week?  That's just wrong he says!  What about Sunday night service?  Nope.  Ok, difference of opinion.  He then invites me to his church the next night, Wednesday, to enjoy the spirit.  I wasn't interested really, but also couldn't go due to dance and school. 
6. That didn't sit well with him, didn't understand the whole dance thing and said - in a somewhat annoyed tone, "Why does she dance so much anyway?"  Ummm... she likes it and she's good at it?  And then he asks, "What kind of dancing does she do anyway? Pole dancing?" o.k.  Um... obviously he doesn't have a teenage daughter.  And no, no pole dancing. ugh.
7. Back to church - he was confused about how I was able to feel the Holy Spirit in a church like a Presbyterian Church - sometimes, he asked, don't you just NEED to get up and wave your hands and shout?  Nope, not at all.  Joshua's response is that sometimes we feel moved in a more intellectual manner... smart boy.
8. Then more church - "You folks let women preach, don't you?" Um... yeah?" "Well, " he says, "that's just wrong."  My question to him was why is it wrong?  His answer, "There were twelve apostles, right?"  "And none of them were women." Duh - of course! 
9. He never did really ask me out - just kept asking, "When ya gonna see me?"  Uh, when ya gonna ask me out?
10. At the end of the second conversation, after the whole lecture thing about church (and I mean immediately after the whole lecture thing about church) he starts telling me how sexy he thinks my voice is, how much he loves to hear me talk.  He tells me nothing sexier than a women whispering in his ear and he just can't wait to hear my voice whispering in his ear while he nibbles on my neck.  ok.   I gotta go. late ya know... need sleep.  work tomorrow.

There is more, but I've been working on this for two days... I can always add more commentary, after all this is my blog! LOL!