Midweek

Okie dokie... it's Wednesday and I have absolutely nothing to say - nothing at all.

The little torture chick who does my Monday night workout plays this as part of her music mix: When I Grow Up. She always grins at me when it comes on because she knows I like the song. She'll say something like, "There you go... time for you to kick it into high gear." Isn't she just precious? But it works, I usually get a tiny bit more energized, and I have to laugh about how something so cheesy manages to make a difference in a mind that should be immune to cheese by now. I like the workout and it's gotten easier as the weeks have gone by... next week we won't have it because little Attila will be on spring break and then she'll turn around and do it twice the next week... ouch! But I've found myself wishing we were doing it more than once a week and I actually like the soreness in my muscles, in a really weird masochistic way it's motivating, ya know?

I still have belly dancing too. We have added veils to our dancing and I really like the veil work. It's killer on the arms but looks so pretty as you twirl and twist. I'm still not great about doing the top moves and the bottom moves at the same time. I manage one, and then the other, but really all separately... not together in the least... and our instructor just laughs, which is what it's all about anyway - laughing at yourself and being ok with people laughing too. I'm moving though - active - and right now I might look silly but the more I do it I guess it gets less silly looking. I don't imagine I will never be someone who belly dances in a professional capacity of any sort but I enjoy it and that was the whole point in the first place - to do something I might enjoy.

Work is hectic this week. I went tonight and visited with three of my children and took Rebecca with me. The kids love her although they've only seen her once before, but they ran to her and hugged her and then spent the entire visit happily taking turns with her attention. She was so sweet and gentle with them and they pick up on that... they respond to it... bless their little hearts, they've not had a whole lot of that in their short, chaotic lives. Tomorrow morning I have to be in court early and then I lead training in the evening. In the middle of all that I'm helping a friend with her math work for a college course she's taking. Friday I have to be in Columbia all day for a staff meeting. Tonight, as I changed clothes and washed my face, I thought how crazy it all is, how busy I am. And then I realized I love it. I like being this busy - I like the purpose... I like knowing I have places to be and tasks to complete. I still need to learn the art of juggling but I don't feel overwhelmed, which has to be good, right?

The Result

Well, a result, not THE result because we won't know that until late March, early April - but in case anyone was wondering she did well. She was terrified. I knew she was and as I left her there to take that first class, the ballet class, I wished my nervousness was enough for the both of us. Of course, as all parents know, it wasn't... and so I left her there, to face it on her own and Allyson, Hannah and I went downstairs to wait in the lobby. I expected her to come down and say, "Let's just go." I expected her to be upset, or dejected, or just plain overwhelmed but when she walked through the glass doors, in the throng of other girls, I saw a young lady with a smile on her face, walking with her head held high, cheeks rosey and eyes bright. She looked confident and pleased with herself. It was a gorgeous sight! She talked to us about the class, ate a few crackers and drank some water, and when the time came she jumped up to go to the modern class, excited and ready.

I was so proud of her... regardless of whether she gets accepted to attend or not. It's a choosey place, taking only a handful of dancers for the five week intensive, and she can always try again next year. I think now she'd definitely try it again. She gained a lot from this experience... she saw, I honestly think, for the very first time that she was just as capable as anyone else in that class. I think she saw, finally, that she could hang with anyone. There is value in that... value more precious than gold... it makes me smile.

That's it, so now we wait. Prayers and crossed fingers appreciated!

Adventure Travelin'

Rebecca and I are on another of our adventures. We call them adventures because sometimes these little trips can be challenging - we never know what's gonna happen or how conditions are going to be - so we've taken to calling our little expeditions adventure travelin' and it seems to work. Calling it that keeps everything in perspective and diffuses any frustration or roadblocks we might encounter. We get stuck in airports and end up in rooms with a frog crawling on the door - if we didn't laugh or make light of it we'd have a miserable time, all the time, and we'd miss out on a lot of learning and a lot of closeness. What would be the point then? huh?

She and I are currently in Columbia in a very nice hotel room... a pretty good deal if you ask me. She's taking a shower and then she'll dry her hair and we'll straighten it so she'll be that much closer to being ready in the morning. Tomorrow she is auditioning for the summer dance program I mentioned in an earlier post. She's worried she's gonna fall flat on her butt, literally. I'm sure she's worried about a few other things too - a perfectly natural way to feel I'm sure. Anything like this is a stretch, requires a person to push beyond a comfort zone of sorts. She's fine dancing in her studio with her friends... it's a little different in a room full of people she doesn't know. I'm proud of her though - she's really putting herself out there - and I couldn't be prouder of her.

I didn't have a lot of adventures growing up. We were tied to the dairy farm... life was about a lot of work and very little adventure. I can't really say that one way is more right than the other. I just know that I think being so cloistered stunted my ability to walk into new and potentially scary situations with any kind of confidence at all. The last several years of my life have been attempts at relearning how. I've really made an effort to take a leap or two of faith. Leaps of faith in myself if nothing else... and I've tried to model that to the kids... especially Rebecca, although I think Joshua has seen that it's ok if stuff happens and it's ok if we have to do something we're not so sure about - the truth is ultimatley we've really got nothing to lose except the opportunity.

And so... here we are - a hotel room in Columbia, preparing for Rebecca to take the grandest leap yet. Oh, there will be more I know... this one though will be the leap that other leaps are sprung from... just like all the little leaps before have led to this one. I can't help but think that this is what it's all about though...

This Is How It Goes

He drops by to leave me the check:

Me: Would you like to see a video of Rebecca dancing?
Him: oh. Sure.
Me: I'm taking her to Columbia Friday. Saturday she has the audition.
Him: Yeah. I heard about that.
Me: We would have to leave here at 7 am Saturday morning so I figured it would be less stress on her if we just spent Friday night in Columbia.
Him: Yeah. Probably good idea.
Him: Um. I'll call her - if that's ok with you?
Me: Of course it's ok. I've never led you to believe otherwise, have I?
Him: No. No you haven't.
Him: Thanks for showing me the video of her dancing.
Me: Anytime.
Him: Y'all stay warm tonight.
Me: We will.
Him: ok then, um, bye.
Me: Bye.

Little of This, Little of That

My son was so sweet and gave me roses for Valentines Day. I think somewhere down deep he must love his momma, even if he doesn't always show it - lol! They are rather pretty, don't you think? I think Joshua has grown to understand some things. I think he has a better understanding of life and a better understanding of what I've done, what I've had to do, to take care of all of us. I feel like he respects me and values me - both as mom and a person. In an odd sorta way it humbles me and I'm so very grateful to have reached this place with him. It's pretty cool...

Rebecca and I went to see The Lightening Thief on Saturday. It was a cute movie but of course Rebecca was really only interested in the cute guy. She's so 14 now, so teenager... golly it's a scary thing sometimes. She has moments of unabashed silliness... and it can be so darn infectious. I find myself giggling with her at times, giggling at her. It makes me happy that she can be so happy. Makes me feel as if somewhere along the way I've done something right that she can be so free and lighthearted. She is planning her future - figuring stuff out - learning and growing and experiencing exciting things... it could very easily be different. She could be sullen and dark with the weight of the world on her shoulders, and she's not. I can't help but feel like I'm a truly lucky person.

It's getting late here... I had another topic I had planned to blog about but I've had a kind of sporadic opportunity to type all this tonight - lots of interruptions! This might be a good thing though - it will give me an opportunity to think about it some more...

Until then I have more video - I know you're thrilled... lol!

Housekeeping

I have a confession to make - I am a horrible housekeeper. I try, believe me I try, but somehow, some way it all just sorta falls flat. Things are clean but life is cluttered. I spent the morning cleaning. I vacuumed and dusted. I have been washing clothes. I mopped the kitchen floor and cleaned the bathroom. I threw a bunch of stuff out. My house is small so I really don't have a lot of space to put stuff - and we've lived here for 17 years now so we've accrued a good deal of stuff. I've very slowly been trying to scale down but it's not going well. I also need a new washer and dryer - this one uses a ton of water and the dryer eats clothes. We spend most of the time hanging our clothes to dry to avoid having anymore clothes ruined with bite marks the dryer leaves. I will be washer/dryer shopping soon - as soon as I get the taxes ready and discover if/how much a refund will be. Whew. Sheesh.

If I were smart (and I think I've established a case for not being) I would hire an organizing expert to come in and set me straight. I'm a wiz at maintaining but I'm not so sure I'm such a wiz at creating. Or maybe the truth is I've just let it all get so far behind that I'm sorta overwhelmed about where to start... how to get it all in order. I was in the dark for so long, all my energy focused in the day to day struggle just to keep my head above water and I let some stuff just sorta slide. I was flipping through channels today and saw a show on hoarders - boy, did that make me feel good! As bad as I may think my house is, it's no where near what I saw on those shows. So maybe I'm being too hard on myself?

I guess the truth is, the more I've become organized and together inside me, the more organized and together I want to be on the outside too. It took me a little while to get my internal self together, I guess I can't rush the outside either. Baby steps... that's what it's all about... doing something small, everday. Life is busy though... I have to take the opportunity when it presents itself, which is what I did today. No kids, no place to be, so I had to opportunity to clean. It felt good.

More Snow Pictures

Snow 2010

Pretty huh? For those who see stuff like this a lot I guess it's not so special - but we here in the good ol' South don't see it much at all. It started about 3:00 pm and for while was pretty heavy. It will be interesting to see how much we end up with by morning. I'm sure I'll take more pictures, after all, that's what I like to do huh?

And so the weekend is here... the dreadful weekend. Today would have been my 23rd wedding anniversary. Hard to believe that 23 years ago I was a young, happy woman with her whole life ahead of her. Now, today, I'm not so young anymore and while I tend to be happy most of the time, I am single in a world of couples. To add insult to injury I'm smack dab in the middle of a weekend dedicated to love and romance. Whoopee.

Time for bed... early I know but hey, perhaps a good nights sleep will do me some good.

February

The opening line in The Waste Land is, "April is the cruelest month." Literary criticism says the whole idea is that April reminds us of the promise of renewal - the rebirth that occurs every spring. For some that can be depressing and difficult... while spring can be a promise, it is often a promise that goes unfulfilled. Life can be hard and it's not always easy to see the hope, believe in the hope. When that's the reality of your life, something like spring can be more of a downer than uplifting. What makes it all so cruel is seeing it happen - seeing it happen for others - and not experiencing it for yourself... not being able to find it anywhere, anyway you turn.

For me, February is the cruelest month. It's about love and romance, it's about couples and togetherness and sickening sweet commercials espousing the need to give chocolates and flowers and jewelry to prove a perfect relationship. And, hey - just for giggles and grins, let's throw in my failed marriage anniversary and boy, do we have a recipe for a crappy month or what? Time will pass, commercials will cease, life will go back to normal. I feel like I bury my head every February and don't pull it back out until the 15th. Gosh this is depressing.

I went to therapy today... and, of course, as it always happens, I go thinking I want to discuss one thing and end up discussing something else. I have wondered for awhile now if I should say something to my ex, have a heart to heart of sorts concerning his lack of contact and interaction with the kids. The therapist and I discussed it some today and she pretty much told me it would do no good - not for me and not for the kids. I am the one person who knows the situation with the kids the best. I know their fears and attitudes, their pain and their triumphs. I am, however, the one person he will not listen to because I am, after all, the person he chose to paint as the villain. I can't tell you how good it feels, how powerful it is, to hear someone else say it - say it was what it was. He made me the bad guy and the symbol for his unhappiness and it took me a while to figure that out - because gee, as I've said so many times before, he was so damn nice about it. The nice, God, the nice made me think I was crazy! But I sit in therapy and we're discussing this stuff and she looks at me and says - you were the dumping ground - and it's awesome to hear someone say it. It stops me in my tracks, like it's the very first time I've heard it, and all I can say to her is thank you.

And that, all that, is where the disdain for this month comes. It's hard to think you can ever be worthy of love when someone works really hard to prove to you, and to himself, you aren't. That, that's the crux. He lied to me - he lied to himself - and I vacillate back and forth between feeling sorry for him because of how pathetic that is and hating him for punishing me and being so damn cruel and leaving me with so much shit to deal with and overcome. This month is a symbol for all of it and it brings it all up, it picks the scab off the wound and it hurts.

Hey, all I want is a night out... dinner, a glass or two of really good wine, a movie... I want to flirt and smile and laugh. Simple huh? Obviously not.

A Mother's Work...

It was recommended that Rebecca get a new pair of Pointe shoes for the master classes (really the audition but she says it's less stressful if we call them master classes) in a few weeks. Her other ones still fit well but they have been died black and really for audition attire they should be the traditional pink, to go along with the customary pink tights and black leo. We drove up to the dance store Friday and had her fitted for a new pair. These are her third pair of Russian Pointes, and even though she did try on some different shoes by different companies, she still went back to the Russians. I think I've mentioned before these puppies aren't cheap, sigh. And I think I've mentioned before that it requires the ribbons and elastic to be sewn on by hand. So guess what I was doing today? Yep, that's right, sewing on ribbons. I was working on the elastic but it was stressing me out so I set them aside for now. I have learned when something frustrates me to set it aside for a time and when I come back to it things tend to go much smoother. I will attempt the elastic tomorrow when I feel fresh and more patient.

The day has been busy. I taught Sunday School and we went to the church service. We had lunch and then went to visit my folks (dad had a birthday last week). We then came home and I washed some clothes and sewed on the ribbons. We watched the Super Bowl and now it's quiet time. The work week starts again tomorrow and I guess it will be ok... I mean there is nothing exceptional on the calendar. I have my mom's workout tomorrow and belly dancing on Tuesday. I need to find something to keep me busy the rest of the week... keep me active. Hmmm....

Several times this week I was asked about the ex. On several occasions I have been asked if I thought he was happy. Odd, to me, that people would ask me that question. I don't know if he's happy or not. I don't really care. I suppose that sounds callous, but I have too much of my own work to do. I don't wish him ill will. I would hope that he's happy. But really, I'm more concerned about my happiness than his.

And so there is the weekend. Fun stuff huh? I'm working toward something a tad more meaningful - it's all up in my head, twirling around but hasn't quite settled into anything solid yet. We'll see what happens...

DOUG!

I found this to be funny - The Tiger Song... the movie made me laugh my ass off - oh, sorry - what movie? The Hangover... like you didn't know... lol! I watched it with my son and his buddy and laughed so hard... sick and sad I know, a forty something momma laughing at a little naked oriental man, a ruffie drugged tiger, a mentally challenged guy peeing in Mike Tyson's pool and three guys getting tasered in a police station... it was nuts!

I highly recommend it.

Work It Out

Ok... what the hell was I thinking? Belly dancing was one thing but this mom's workout torture thing was just the dumbest idea ever! Don't ever sign up for anything that has some perky little college girl teaching it - she will kill you. Kill you. She suffers under the delusion that everyone is in the same great shape she is. Um... sorry sweetie - old woman here. Her name is Ashley but I'm calling her Atilla. I say it with all the affection I can muster after she's had me doing jumping jacks and lunges and some kind of ab workout that required me to hold my legs in the air for many many many ticks of the clock. Sheesh... I guess I'll do it again - what the heck. Oh, and tomorrow belly dancing starts back up... I'm some kind of masochist. I have to be.

That's about all I can do tonight. It's painful to move my arms.