Bliss

Welcome to my pity party… come on in… can I fix you a drink? a snack? Please, make yourself comfortable – the games will begin shortly.

It’s funny… I go along at a pretty steady pace… a nice little clip… and then something derails me, pushes me right off track and I have to work to get myself set again. It’s frustrating and yet I know the truth is probably pretty close to being that this feeling is no different than what most people who have been living relatively “normal” lives go through. I mean really, what is normal? I gotta believe though that “normal” for those whose lives haven’t been turned upside down by mental illness is a different “normal” than those whose lives have been… ya know? I just feel like sometimes I have to fight for everything. I’ve had to fight for my sanity, fight for the kids, fight for my self esteem and self respect… I’ve had to fight to stay afloat as a single mom – fight financially to keep my head above water; juggling obligations and finding a balance somewhere between wants and needs because sometimes things that seem frivolous really have a deeper purpose. I weigh sacrifice against martyrdom… the former given freely without regret – the latter a twisted, unfulfilled state of existence. I don’t want to be hollow… I fear that (and loneliness) the most I think – I fear being an abandoned shell, an empty encasement: a mind without substance, a body without purpose, a soul without peace.

The survival instinct in me is strong – I know this. It feels almost animalistic in a way; an innate sense of self preservation. I will do what is necessary for me and mine… fierce and ferocious in the face of danger and uncertainty. But surviving isn’t thriving. Surviving is struggle. Thriving is bliss. And if I am honest, brutally honest, I’ve not had a whole lotta bliss. Maybe that’s my fault… maybe it’s no one’s fault… maybe it’s just the luck of the draw. But that’s wrong – I’m being disingenuous… the truth is I have experienced bliss… I’ve seen a vibrant sunrise over the ocean and a peaceful sunset in my backyard – I’ve experienced words and music so moving they made me cry – kindness so pure it humbled me – I’ve had the privilege of making someone laugh, the joy of fulfilling dreams and the satisfaction of providing futures – and twice, twice, I have been blessed with holding my perfect newborn baby in my arms. So what’s wrong with me, what could I possibly lack?

I’m behaving like a spoiled child… no appreciation for the gifts I’ve been given – only seeing those grand prizes elusively out of my reach. And here I thought I was so easy to please – what a foolish girl! Yet… I am easy to please… I am content with simplicity... it doesn’t take much to make me happy – and I think in some ways maybe that’s the problem… my downfall. I feel like all I do is fight for those simple things, which then, of course, leaves nothing left for the grand. Though really, does the grand matter? The grand can be so nice... so, so nice... but the cost so, so high... and I just have nothing left over for payment.

So there it is... time to roll up my sleeves and place that train back on the track... you can show yourself out, can't you?

She Don't Want Nobody Near

Coming Soon...

to a town near you - a POST!

Until then... forever...

What Goes Around... Comes Around?

I'm still processing those things I mentioned in my last post... it's all still up there just not yet ready to come out. Until then I have this:

My ex husband called me yesterday at work. He wanted to tell me he was moving in with his parents - I, of course curious, asked in a most polite way why. He said there was too much "drama" up where he was and he had to get away from it. I, of course curious, asked in a most polite way what drama. And man o man... he said his gf - the one he was having an affair with - was PREGNANT. Now... it is important for me to note right here, right now that my ex had a vasectomy in 1996. I sweetly asked if he was going to stay with her and help her raise it and he said, "IT'S NOT MINE." I calmly said, "Well yes I realize that but I just figured if you cared about her enough to leave your wife and children then you might care enough about her to raise her baby." I know I frustrated him some but hey - how often does a gal's ex call and tell her that his affair partner is pregnant by another man? I swear we could be on Jerry Springer!

He said it was hard for him because he really cared for her... he never believed she was capable of doing this to him (awwwww...). I asked him if he had suspected she was stepping out on him and he said yes - she was staying out and not coming home and being distant (wow sounds familiar). And then he said - are you ready for this - "I guess Karma is a Bitch." (Excuse me while I fall on the floor laughing) I said I didn't think it was so much about Karma... I said I think it's more about the choices we make. I mean come on... he met her in a bar... she knew he was married... she enjoyed the money and the mania... and then when it was gone... whoooops she's knocked up by another man. He was also upset because she called him on the phone last Friday on his way to work to tell him... "she didn't even have the courage to face me" (pardon me ... um.... I need a moment to compose myself.................................................................. ok - better now).

I told him I was sorry - and I really meant it... believe it or not. But that doesn't mean I still don't find it funny. He left me - blew up a family - for this woman... his reasoning was she was thinner and more fun. Yes well, I had two babies, I'm eleven years older than the girl, and I had to work my ass off being a single parent while he ran around and partied and played - yeah I had no time to be "fun." But the truth really is this: I'm nowhere near the person he painted me to be and it took me a really long time to realize that, accept it, and move forward. He and I both changed in the marriage. I think my changes were in reaction to his behavior... I grew frustrated and angry - I was unhappy and depressed - I craved attention and companionship and love. It became a vicious cycle: He ignored me, belittled me, rejected me and I became bitter and unattractive and unhappy - which all just justified his behavior because, after all, what fun was I then?

I've said it before - I didn't like who I was and it's taken a while to find my equilibrium again. But it feels so good to just be me now - to not worry about how to "reinvent" myself to some kind of specifications I'm never going to meet. It's ok to be smart and funny and even sexy sometimes - it's ok to like traveling and books and writing and movies and theatre and different foods and different music and family... it's ok, well actually - it's sorta fantastic! I look at my ex now and I look at myself and I wonder what we ever really had in common. All the things he enjoys now are just not things I can stomach - NASCAR and bars and Freebird. And that's ok... if it's what makes him happy then I wish him success...

I think I like the last song I posted so much because it says so simply and so softly those things I've had to do... I've had to get to know me... the last two lines are the best though - it makes me wonder: Do we only truly find ourselves when we think we've lost it all?

"Gardenia"

Well, I put so much thought into getting ready

Now I know that was the best part

It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting

Forget what I got from a wounded heart

[CHORUS]

I'm the one who likes Gardenia

I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor

I don't want to hang up the phone yet

It's been good

Getting to know me more

I've been seeing all my old friends in the city

Walking alone in Central Park

Doing all the things that I've neglected

Traded 'em all in

To be in your arms

[CHORUS]

Well, I hear my own voice

Sounds so silly

Keep on telling my story all around

Everything I lost seems so different

Well, this is how everybody gets found

Something New

Gardenia

It was a long weekend... one I'll blog about at some point. I really have been a terrible host here at the ball, please forgive my rudeness... I'm not sure what's wrong with me. I have lots to say just no coherent foundation on which to say it all... thoughts are still jumbled in my head. I've been thinking about loneliness. I've been thinking of survival. I've been thinking of chemistry and attraction and desire. I've been wondering what's worth sacrifice and how often it's possible to find love, real love, in this life. I've been missing something I've never really experienced, found something I never realized was lost, chastising myself the whole way for... for what I'm not entirely sure. So these are all things to explore, contemplate and discuss... any ideas?

Night All...

This song makes me want to dance by candlelight in the arms of the man I love...

Dream

and then wine and more music...

You'll Never Know

Home...

is it just simply a physical place or is it a feeling too?

Home...

When ex was in the Army we would come home twice a year from Texas. It was a long, long trip but one I looked forward to so very much... and we'd get close and drive the back road to my parent's house and it would feel so good to know we were almost there. It's not so much like that anymore. My folks don't live far from me - about 20 minutes - and while I like to go visit them and love them and appreciate them probably more now than I ever have it's just not the same. It might be the close proximity now but I don't think that's what it is... I think I used to go home and feel the way I did because, like Max in Where the Wild Things Are, it's where I felt loved best of all... and at the time I didn't have my own home... I didn't have a steady, permanent place to call mine - we were sorta nomads at the time and I was young - so very young. Of course, I didn't realize just how young I was at the time, but looking at it from this vantage point I do now. Middle age sure does funny things to you, huh?

I have my own home now... my permanent place on this planet - it's all mine (well at least after umm... several more years it will be) and it's one of the things that didn't change in the divorce. He gave me the house without asking for any compensation and therefore made it possible for the kids and me to stay here (he's had a few decent moments I do admit). This is my place - the place where I am myself... no pretense... no bullshit. At times it's cluttered and it's very small but it's mine - and not because of the physical address. I actually think what makes it home is now it is the place where I am loved best of all - where I am loved by me.

There are times when people in love will describe one another as home. I think I've always understood that... at least in theory - but I don't think I've actually ever really felt it, believed it before now. One of the most stinging things the ex said to me - and believe me there were quite a few painful stings - was that this place, here with us, didn't feel like home to him. It's taken me a long time to understand that - and to realize that it wasn't something I had any control over - I couldn't make him feel at home... couldn't make him feel like I was home. He doesn't like himself, doesn't love himself... so I really don't think there is anywhere on this planet he feels home. He's just a mental and emotional nomad - too afraid to settle in any one place because if he did he might let the mask slip... he might have to be honest - and he just can't do that - someone might see the real him and who would like the real him - right?

I think, though, another person can feel like home to you. I think when you find that other person who loves you as much as you love yourself - that other person who shows and expects no pretense... who doesn't bullshit or accept bullshit... who just is who he is and likes you because you are just who you are... who laughs at himself as much as he laughs at you - I think that's when you find home, when you feel at home. Of course there needs to be attraction and desire and all those fun mating rituals we all get so caught up in... but looking from this vantage point - this ripe ol' age of 42 - I think really there are so few people in this life you can just be you with - rarely does someone see you simply for who you are, and in doing so likes you even more, not less. And I think that's what's desirable and sensual... to me, that's home.

Happy New Year

Well, well, well we've made it to 2009. People typically take this day to reflect and make resolutions, laying out a plan of sorts for the coming year - looking back on wasted time and drafting an outline to ensure that time doesn't get squandered in the future. I've never been big on doing that, never big on making promises to myself or others about future behaviors or the attainment of lofty goals - I'm much too pragmatic of a girl to place myself in such a situation. And yet I've been thinking, musing, contemplating doing just that... pondering a list of does and don'ts, desires and dreams for the newly arrived year.

When we took son to orientation in June of 2005, we sat in a room and listened the Dean of the College of Math and Applied Sciences talk about goal setting. He taked about how different people have different methods for goal setting. Many people, he said, secretly set goals and no one never knows. He said other people verbalize their goals - stating them out loud and sharing them. He said still others will write them down, and it is those folks, the writers, who tend to be most sucessful in achieving their goals. A week or so later son received an email from the dean asking him to write down his goals for his first semester at school and email them back. So he did, and you know that boy achieved them all - every one of them. Wish I could say he's been as successful since but I can't (drat!) - makes me think, though, there might be some validity to the process. I have an artist friend who keeps saying we need to create a vision board - maybe now is a good time to do that - I need to give her a call!

So let's see...

I want to spend more time walking - I always felt so good when I walked and the walking will help me get back into some of the clothes hanging in my closet.

I want to go to the movies more often. I love going to the movies and in truth I rarely do, but I'm not sure why.

I want to get my house organized more. I'm really an organized, methodical sort of person except for my house and I'm not really sure why that is. At work everything has a place, my computer is organized but my house still has large pockets of disorder. The house is small, not a lot of room to spread out, so I have to be smart and make space count.

I want to make daughter and son (if he's still living with us this summer) more responsible for helping do those everyday upkeep activities here at the house. They pitch in and help when asked but I'd like to make them more independently responsible - if that makes any sense to anyone but me.

I want a financial plan. If I get the new job that will make this task easier to accomplish. I'm good with my money but recently it's been difficult to save, which is making me crazy.

I want to take a trip without children - an adult trip. It doesn't have to be anything exotic or far reaching, I'd just like to go somewhere, do something that involves being a grownup.

I thought about adding something like - have sex in 2009, considering I didn't have sex in 2008 but I don't want to have sex just for the sake of having sex. I want sex to be an expression of love and affection for someone important in my life and I really don't think that's the kind of thing I can force, the kind of thing I should force... so we'll just have to see how that one goes....

It's a little odd to add this song after the little blurb about sex but what the heck - at least no one can accuse me of not having a sense of humor huh? So maybe one day I will - have sex again that is... lol!

One Day You Will...