Sleeping Alone

I hate it. I should be used to it, but I hate it. I guess though, the truth is I don't really sleep alone - the dog sleeps with me, at least between the months of October and April. I can always tell when the weather has changed for good. In April when it gets warm he takes to his place under the bed and when it gets cold he sleeps on the bed with me. The bed is high off the ground and he has to really jump to make it up. It was easier for him in his younger days but now that he's aged some he struggles with it at times. He whines sometimes, waiting for my invitation and finally he'll go out into the hall and take a running jump to make it. Sometimes he falls a tad bit short and has to haul his furry butt the remaining way up - then of course there is the circling thing he does to get comfortable until he finally collapses with a low, long grunt. Tonight I'm especially blessed because he has gas. Lucky me.

But yeah, sleeping alone - I hate it but wonder if I could possibly sleep with another man in the bed. I say man because it's a lot different than sleeping with another woman - Rebecca slept with me on Christmas Eve for some reason and Holly slept in the bed with me the night before - long story but basically Joshua got drunk while with his friends and we left him sitting on the bathroom floor with towels and a blanket over his boxer short clad body. Holly was concerned about him and I knew she'd worry most of the night so I offered and she accepted - we have, on occasion, had to share a bed before and it's really not as weird as it may sound.

But yeah, I keep getting off subject - I wonder why? So as it goes the last time I slept in a bed with a man was October 2007. That's a very long time to not experience such a thing - and I'm not just talking about sex. Sex is a whole other issue.... I don't really sleep all over the bed - I tend to stay pretty much in one place but the idea of actually being in bed with a man - sleeping - seems so foreign to me anymore... but I miss it just the same and sometimes, like tonight, it makes me sad knowing I may always sleep alone. I have a routine now - the dog, the computer, a book - things that all sit on my bed with me... there really is no room for anyone else. Perhaps it's a good thing then, eh?

And so, the time has come for me to shut off this computer and get some sleep - I go back to work tomorrow after being off for a week. I have stuff to do the next three days there so it should be busy and the day should go by quickly - no more time to think of such frivolity as sleeping alone.

Hope

Yes, well... guess what today is? If you guess the first Sunday in Advent you would be correct! It is the Sunday of Hope. I know we go through this every single year but hey, there is comfort in tradition and I like the practice of remembering. I like the cycle of it all. Today is the beginning of a new church year and the waiting and preparation begins like every year, and I feel a deep sense of reverence and privilege in that.

Part of today's sermon focused on the what we do while we're waiting. Do we just sit and wring our hands or do we prepare and enjoy the ride? God has a plan and so very much of the time we don't know what that plan is until it happens. I've been waiting for something and it may or may not be in God's plan for me... but I pray and I wait none the less... and I've gotten so much better at enjoying the ride! What I really need to start doing is preparing myself for the possibility because there are things I could be and should be doing to get ready. I sound cryptic, I know, but this blog is here for no other reason than to help me sort out what's in my mind - not necessarily to explain myself to others :-)

And so, she says with a smile, it's time to focus on the present once again...

I've been gathering photos of Joshua to use for part of the decorations at the engagement party this coming weekend - I've tried to get different ages... it's been sweet to look at the pictures and see how he's grown, to see the progression from baby to man... my boy... sniff sniff sigh. He was such an adorable little fella, smiling always... I think that's what touches me so much about looking at pictures of my children - so many smiles, such happy faces. I've had to have done something right somewhere along the way if I have that...

Photo Shoot Commentary

The pictures posted in the previous posts are from the photography association shoot Rebecca did in July. We went and looked at them today... so so very beautiful. I don't know how to put into words seeing her looking so classic and poised... my daughter, my baby girl -

Photo Shoot 2

Photo Shoot 1

Time Flies

So here we are, November already, and not just the beginning of November but the tail end of it. Where has all the time gone? Christmas is just around the corner... I've actually bought a few gifts, believe it or not. There is an engagement party in a few weeks, which, if I may say, has turned into a ridiculously expensive endeavor. It will be fun and a special night but sheesh, the food has turned out to be crazy high. Oh, well, it's just money, right? I've also got a car issue looming - that's set me into a slight money panic too but what will be will be and I will manage it somehow, right? Whew, thanks for the encouragement!

Life has been pluggin' along. Not much has changed. Work is work and going ok. We've had a few successes lately and a new crop of volunteers trained. I've been doing pilates at the dance studio a few nights a week and I'm finding I really enjoy it. It kicks my fanny while I'm in there but I love it afterwards and I think it's actually tightening up a few places. I have more work to do on the nutrition end of it but that's coming along slowly. I manage to do well during the week but find the weekends hard. The kids always seem to want to eat, darn it, and they're never happy with the "healthy" stuff. My issue though, I know. I'm workin' on it.

My Gamecocks are doing well! It's been fun to watch them play. Next weekend will be a big game against the team whose name we shall not type. We'll be at my folks next weekend to celebrate our Thanksgiving tradition and watch the game. Mom's not said yet what she wants to do about food. Some years she likes to do a big meal and other years she likes pickup foods. I'm thinking she's gonna request the pickup variety this year - which is fine with me. The kids have been invited to their paternal grandparents... it doesn't bother me to be alone for a while that day. It's not about that moment, for me, ultimately it's about all the moments outside of that. Once upon a time I felt like I'd lost the tradition, the practice. I've found, actually, that a nice turkey dinner and giving thanks can happen on November 20th instead of November 25th. I've found that any dinner can be a Thanksgiving dinner - it all depends on the connection, affection, and love brought to the table from everyday life.

And so, there you have it - my tiny little update... next Sunday is the first Sunday in Advent - the beginning of the new church year. I lot will be happening in the next four/five weeks... I pray we all have a season full of love and wonderment....

Misunderstandings

I hate them, misunderstandings that is... people hear you say something, or see something and they get it all wrong. That's why I like questions and answers. I can ask a question about something I don't understand and then, hopefully, get an answer that clears it all up.

I got to thinking just now that something weird happened the other day - a misunderstanding perhaps, I don't know. I also got to thinking that it's possible my blog caused the misunderstanding - but I'm not really sure. Either way I thought I might write about what I thought, and make myself clear if to no one but me...

I've been feeling very melancholy and once upon a time I found the quotes in my last blog entry that pretty much summed up a feeling I had at that time - this was oh, maybe a year and a half ago... I had a friend, someone very special to me, and I lost my friend and those quotes, well they articulated how I felt and they gave me a tad bit of comfort. Sometimes I think of my friend and I miss my friend very much and it makes me sad all over again... but it is what it is, and timing is a bitch, and should is a bs word. I still think about it though - about loss and possibilities and a dream that once seemed like it could be so real. I walk around that hole, that loss, and I go about my day and I do all those things in life I'm supposed to do. I work hard and I take care of my family and I stretch my budget and plan for the future and I hold up the world. I manage to carve out moments of wonderful and I get to experience awesome, beautiful things. And yet I've had to say goodbye to a dream I once had... even if it's a dream I had no business having....

So perhaps someone read those quotes and misunderstood what I was talking about? I don't know, maybe not. Either way my life is such that right now, at this moment I don't have a lot to give to an intense relationship. I have a few nights a month not accounted for, I will not marry again before Rebecca goes off to college and I definitely will not have a man in my house while the kids are here. Having said that I would love to go out once in a while, spend time with someone, laugh and talk and share. It would be fun to pop popcorn and watch a movie, take a day trip to the mountains to walk in the autumn color, or make a pot of chili or soup and spend a Saturday watching college football. This still seems like too much to ask for and I wonder if I will ever feel as if I deserve such things....

So that's it... I'm a good girl. I'm honest and sincere, loyal to a fault, I'm easy to please and can find humor in most anything. I love my family and I've placed a huge emphasis in my life on raising kind, exceptionally wonderful kids. I believe in God and His merciful grace and I want to do good in this world - I want my life to be a reflection of the gifts I've been given. I've endured a lot of pain and I've grown from it - I have survived. Oh, and I'd love to see the Gamecocks win a few more this season, well, actually the remainder of their games this season... but even if they don't life goes and on and we live to fight another day!

Quotes

"I never knew until that moment
how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had."
~Unknown

Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens -
The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.
~John Steinbeck

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world,
which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime,
and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Bits and Pieces

Ok, here's an awesome song but it's not exactly the cleanest thing on the Internet so watch at your own risk... F$%k You... it's addictive though, like Glee.

And on that note, I'm supposed to teach Sunday School tomorrow morning but I don't have the correct lesson material - I went by the church this week to get it but the secretary wasn't quite sure what I was supposed to have so she gave me what she thought it was but it was really last years stuff... the kids are so cute and I'm sure if the stuff is there in the morning we can figure it all out together so I'm not terribly stressed, just hate not having it all together. It's an overcome and adapt kind of thing though and I've gotten pretty good at doing that :-)

I worked at the yearly local BBQ fair today - the board I'm on for a local organization has a booth and they work to educate parents about early childhood education. After doing that the kids and I met up with my folks and took in some of the sights and the food. The rest of the day has been just hanging out, watching football, relaxing.

Yesterday I took a "mental health day" and didn't work. It was great! I dropped Rebecca off at school, went to the grocery store, came home and cooked a chicken which I later used to make chicken stew and then I made an apple pie (yes, homemade). I washed clothes and cleaned the house. I cleaned out the fridge and paid the first of the month bills. I took the trash and stopped at the bank on my way to get Rebecca from school. It was such a great fall day - I felt like I was nesting some... it was lovely. Absolutely lovely...

I went to therapy on Thursday. We talked some about my brother but mostly we talked about me and this growing distrust I have of people but men in particular. We talked about how awesome the Peanuts cartoon is and how relevant to relationships it is - how Charles Schulz was so perceptive. Once upon a time I was going to blog properly about the Halloween special and Sally's declaration about restitution. I 've also been thinking a lot about Lucy, Charlie Brown and that darn football.... the football can really be a symbol of almost anything but the fact Lucy misrepresents her intentions to Charlie Brown makes it all about trust. Is that what life and love all boils down to? Trust?

The therapist and I talked about what I wanted in a relationship - and I said I'd like to experience it because I don't feel like I truly ever have. She cautioned me to look back at the early years of my marriage, wasn't there a time then when things were good she asked? Yes, well, there was good... but to describe it as what I truly want in a relationship I can't. I wasn't old enough, wise enough, to know I guess and we laughed at how people really shouldn't get married until 30 (which someone else has said a lot also). I may not have known then what it was I wanted, at least not as clearly as I know now, but the relationship was still flawed, and I was just too naive, stupid, young to know why. We did have some good moments and we did do things that worked. He was gone a lot though, there was enough movement in his life to make it all fresh and interesting. The neglect was there though, and I had myself convinced it was ok. It was ok enough for me to have stayed, ok enough for me to let some things I wanted/needed go. Now though, I have a more clearly defined idea of my wants and needs - I just have to figure out what to do with that knowledge.

And so we're back to trust. I want to be able to trust, the fear I won't be able to still persists though. That's a tall order for any man who chooses to take me on, God bless him. I feel sorry for the man who truly does ever love me... the therapist said he'll have a lot of work to do... but she also said she believes he's out there, searching for me. It's a nice thought, isn't it? I'm just not so sure it's so true...

Game Day

We went to the Carolina/Georgia game last Saturday. It was a blast! Particularly since Carolina beat Georgia 17-6. We were sitting on the home side so we were mostly around other like minded folks like us but there were a few of the unclean around. They started out very vocal but ended up in silence.... I loved it! My brother went with us, we left at the crack of dawn since it was a noon game but I have to say it was a perfect day! Don't ya just love those?

Here are a few pics:

The band right before getting into postion for 2001 and the entrance of the team...



Her very first game! She was sooooooooo excited, can ya' tell?



Notice the creepy guy behind the kids? My brother... too funny!



We were in the nose bleeds but had an awesome view -



Rebecca and her Uncle Joe...

Sheesh...

One of those evenings when I'm not enjoying being a mother...

It's That Time of Year!

Time for some Carolina Football! Game is on now, not sure what the outcome will be yet - we lead at the moment. I really don't have a whole lot to say... just enjoying the fact that at some point in the (hopefully) near future it will be cooler outside... and oh, we just scored another touchdown! Go Cocks!

I love football season - I love this time of year. I always have. I can't really explain it. Part of it was the start of school (yeah I was one of those weirdos who liked school). Part of it I think is the cooler weather - that hunker down feeling that comes with the need for a blanket at night and a slight nip in the air. I love hot chocolate and football games. Soup for dinner. Fall is all about anticipation for me I think... so much to look forward to in the fall. Gosh I love it!

That's basically all I had to say tonight - not terribly exciting I know, I'm sorry. I'll try to do better this weekend... night - and hey GO COCKS!

The Many Faces of Joe

This picture just makes me laugh - he was eating cake and I'm not sure why he made that face - but it's a hoot...

Joey is not always just Joey - he's constantly coming up with crazy stuff - sometimes he comes up with different personas...

First we have Joseph Joseph... the wedding/event coordinator:

The important aspect of this picture is not so much in the attire of Joseph Joseph but in the facial expression - this persona was born when Joey expressed an interest in going wedding dress shopping with us....

Next we have Two Dimes and a Nickel: This is his rapper persona. He developed this one years ago - about the time he was coming up with his idea for a "strip" mall. That's a whole other story. Two Dimes and a Nickel... he calls himself that because he says the man won't give him fiddy cent. He's not right, ya gotta believe me. He recently gave me a song list for the cd he's currently working on... if you really believe there's an actual cd, let me know... I'll recommend a good therapist for you.

Those are just two - he didn't pose for the other personas that day - I'll try to get those another time. They're all terribly politically incorrect - not really offensive, just silly. He's creative, I'll give him that...

The Birthday Party

For Rebecca's 15th birthday we cooked out at my folk's house. Mom did the burgers and I took care of the rest... potato salad, slaw, baked beans, cake, ice cream... ya' know, the typical.

I bought a birthday sash to have her wear and I knew if I asked her to put it on she wouldn't do it. My dad, on the other hand, can ask her to do almost anything and she acquiesces. I said, "Hey, dad, how 'bout get her to put this on, she'll do it if you ask." So he takes it, smiles like I've given him the best job in the world to do, and walks over to her. She's all giggles and happily lets him drape her in it... she wore it the whole day. I knew she would, Pappy asked her to. Last year I got a paper crown for her to wear - she fought me on it until she saw her new cell phone. Go figure. Either way, all in all she had a great birthday. She got the things she wanted and a few she didn't know she wanted.

She's 15 now and all the fun begins... I told her I wouldn't take her to attempt the test for her drivers permit until she read the book, which she's not done yet. But tonight I did let her drive the back road to the house once we were almost home. She didn't do too badly... she needs to get comfortable with the brake and the steering wheel though. But the actual driving on the right side of the road and not running into ditches went rather well. We've at least got something to work with here.

Home Again, Home Again...

jiggity jig...

The week was very nice - we spent a great deal of time doing absolutely nothing. We didn't push ourselves to be anywhere and ended up spending a lot of time sitting by the pool or at the beach. It was wonderful actually. I read four books. They are as follows, just in case anyone wonders:

1) Sizzlin' Sixteen - the latest Janet Evanovich novel about the spunky bounty hunter from Joisey, Stephanie Plum. It wasn't the funniest or most entertaining of the series but an ok beach read.

2) Have a Little Faith - I bought this little book back in January thinking I would read it while at the dance convention but it didn't happen. It was inspiring and thought provoking, most typical of Mitch Ablom. I still love The Five People You Meet in Heaven, it's one of my most favorites and it always makes me cry. I did shed a tear at the end of this one too...

3) 84 Charing Cross Road - this was a birthday gift from a very dear friend and reading it sitting by the ocean, my feet in the sand, my big straw hat on my head, I got lost for about an hour and half in the world of the people in the story. The book is simply years of correspondence between people on two continents - there is so much affection in the letters they exchange...

4) Shem Creek - It's another formula book, like the Stephanie Plum series, but it's set in South Carolina. Dorthea Benton Frank writes well and the books I've read all involve a woman searching for something after a devastating loss... the main character eventually finds herself, finds her way, finds love. Shem Creek was sweet. The mom was from the Low Country, transplanted to New Jersey years earlier, she returns with her girls to find peace and contentment once again. It's a modern day fairy tale - the kind of story that both fascinates me with hope yet frustrates with the awareness that such things don't happen in real life.

Rebecca starts school tomorrow - 10th grade! I can't hardly believe it. Her birthday is next Sunday and she'll be 15! Wow, where has all the time gone?

Ok, time to think about bed, time to get into the school year groove... I have a dentist appointment tomorrow to remove and replace the filling that's cracked. fun fun. Oh, and I didn't do too many pictures this week at the beach - the camera fogged up everytime I took it outside - but here ya go... Floppsy, Mopsy and Cottontail 5.2.

Three More Days!

I have Thursday, Friday and Saturday and then I'm headed to the coast! WooHoo! I have to get through two more days at work, with a lot to do before Friday at 5... I think I can make it, at least I sure hope so. So much needs to get done before I can feel good about leaving and being gone for the WHOLE week. I so very much need this though...

Rebecca and I watch So You Think You Can Dance every week and one contestant danced to this tonight. It got me thinking, which we all know is a bad, bad thing, but habits are hard to break and so I had a thought... and the thought was this: can we ever really live life on our own terms? I guess people do it, and I've certainly tried the last few years, but I'm not sure I'd' call it really living life on my own terms. And here I am trying to teach my children to do exactly that and I wonder if I'm selling them a load of horse crap. I guess in some ways I'm doing it but in others I'm so not... and no matter how I try to do it completely something gets in the way and I'm back at square one again. I'm proud of all I've done and accomplished and given the choice of now and then I'd take now every singe time, yet, well... I'm realizing (?) that it's a lonely proposition and the reality is it may always be a lonely proposition... and I have to be ok with that. I think that's why the song resonated with me so much tonight -

I want a fearless love - a fearless love of myself, of my life... a fearless love of someone else, from someone else. That means not settling, not taking ok or good enough just out of a fear that nothing else can or will exist. I am afraid though.

On a lighter note we've finally been able to procure a driver's manual for Rebecca. It was a tri-county effort seeing as there were none to be found here in this lovely county, so we had folks scouring for us... now she has to study it and if she does I will take her in a few weeks, after her 15th birthday. Oh my, we're hitting another milestone, there's no turning back now... it will all happen so quickly - drivng, dates, graduation, college... am I ready for this? I guess I don't have choice, huh? Oh well, bring it on, we'll have some fun on the way.

Saturday Mornings

I love Saturday mornings, don't get me wrong. They're quiet and there is no need to jump out of bed, no need to rush around to get out the door for work. This morning I woke to slow, soft rumbles of thunder and I'm watching it rain so steadily outside my bedroom window - gee, I need to get those beautiful rain cups hung and I think I've figured out where!

Saturday mornings make me a little sad though. I have too much time to think, which for me is never a good thing - ever. I'm much too dangerous when I have time to think - I'm better off when I'm so damn busy I don't have the opportunity for a proper bowel movement. All this personal, emotional, spiritual growth has worn me out. I'm tired of it, and I have these really intense moments of desire - a desire to forget and ignore the truth. What truth? Well, that's for me to know... y'all to ponder. Beating a dead horse is getting old, so all I will say is I feel like I'm at the top of the mountain, finally, I'm here, reached the destination and the view, wow, it's awesome, truly, but it's lonely. Two out of three ain't bad though, two out of three ain't bad....

WOW, it's really raining - and I could stay like this all day - listening to it pour, watching it all from my window. I almost forgot there for a moment it was the last day of July, so unusual for this time of year to see a dark sky and torrential rain. It's much needed - shoot, I should take my ferns off the porch and put them out in the rain - oh, well... if I went to go do it right now it would ruin the mood and I definitely don't want to do that, so I think I'll just stay here, right here, on the bed.

I woke to a dream this morning, much like one I had a few weeks ago where I unexpectedly ran into someone I once knew, someone I've not spoken to in over a year. We went our separate ways, have entirely different lives now and just running into one another isn't likely to ever happen, so it's odd to dream about him, dream about just bumping into him out of the blue... crazy huh? I wonder why this is something that's hovering in my subconscious these days?

One week until we head to the beach, the glorious beach, my Tara...

Memory Lane

Mom found some pictures that she scanned and emailed me. I might have them already in hard copy form but it never hurts to have them on the computer too. That's my dad and the baby is me, just in case you were wondering. It's so... surreal maybe... to look at that and imagine once upon a time I was a baby and he was that young and there was a connection like that between us.

I would not use an adjective like gentle to describe my father but looking at this picture and observing his body, his posture, his hands - gentle is the word that comes to mind. He is so engrossed in that little girl he's holding. It's a shame I can't remember those moments... although I suppose my dad does.

I have those moments too - the ones I remember that my children don't. That's part of the mystery of parenthood, I guess, that children don't really ever get until much later in life, if they ever do at all. We think of it as so one side, don't we? But I suppose there are times my dad looks at me and remembers, like I look at my children and remember, and the feelings he must feel are the same ones I feel. Does everyone take 44 years to figure this out? Or perhaps it's the fact it's my dad, a man who really hadn't been this openly gentle when I was older and able to remember. Either way it's humbling... and endearing in a way I can't explain.

Relief!

As I have mentioned before, I think, I've had a tiny bit of tooth pain around my (one) filling site so I finally put on my big girl panties and made an appointment and went to the dentist. I am embarrassed to admit it had been four years since I'd been in for a cleaning and a check-up. I have no real excuse other than to say finances dictated the money I might spend on a dentist visit for me get diverted to different funds. I had no dental insurance after all, and the $140+ cost of a visit was more than I could manage at one point, and then six months turned into a year and a year turned into two and so... you get the picture.

But yeah, I'd been having this little dull ache once in a while at the site of my (one) filling so I very apprehensively went in today to get a cleaning and have it checked out. I've been practicing excellent dental hygiene, or so I thought, and I hoped that my hard work would pay off. The hygienist took x-rays and said really things looked good - no pockets of dark spaces to indicate an abscess or root problem. She took a picture of the filling and low and behold there was a little crack in the filling and she said the dentist would look at it but she didn't think it would require anything more than replacing the filling... whew... when the dentist looked at it she said there might be another crack too but that she'd take the old out, have a look inside the tooth, make sure all was ok, and replace it with a nice, new, white filling. Ok, I think I can handle that... :-)

Oh, and the hygienist couldn't believe how great my teeth were and how very little plaque build up I had. She also said I got an A+ for flossing - that I was in the top 2% of all patients - and there was not one smear of blood on the bib! I can't tell you how relieved I am that nothing major was wrong. I go back the 16th of August to have the filling replaced. I've not had anything like this done since I was 11, can you believe that filling is 33 years old?!? I even made an appointment for the next six month check-up. I'm back on track! And so very thankful it turned out to be ok. One less thing to worry about!

Wednesday... Absolutely Nothing

I am determined to blog something - SOMETHING - today, Wednesday, the 21st of July. The most exciting thing I've done today is floss my teeth. Well, that's not entirely true... I got to talk to a dear friend of mine and have a nice, long, runthegamut, sorta conversation and it was really nice. I did go to work - the "supervisor" was gone, some meeting/visit, so I had the office to myself and was able to get a few things done, including a staffing. But yeah, the flossing... that's important.

It is, really. I go to the dentist on Monday and it scares me. My dental appointments are one of those things I let slide during my no money stretch... Rebecca had to go and Joshua had to go and then there we all those other things I had to pay for, so I didn't go for a few years. I hate admitting that. Please don't think less of me. My one filling (the only filling I've had) is bothering me lately and while it's not painful I can tell something is not right with it. After all it's been in my mouth, that one filling, since I was 11. You do the math. I'm scared there will be others (oh Lord please no). But I've been very good about brushing and using mouthwash, and flossing, well that's taken on a whole new importance. How much you wanna bet me they tell me I need to floss more? But yeah, time for the dentist since I have DENTAL INSURANCE!

I've seen a few of the pictures that were taken during the photography guild session and they're awesome. Not sure if posting what I've seen would be exactly legit considering they aren't mine and they aren't the photographer's I know. So I'll hold off for now... perhaps when they're officially given to me I will.

Rebecca wants me to buy her a book - so I thought, hey, I'll look for one for me too, after all I'm going to the beach in a few weeks and beach=books in my happy little world. I have three books I can take right now and truthfully that's probably enough. Once upon a time I would read a book a day. I've not been able to do that in the last few years. I wonder why? Perhaps I'm more engaged in family life and therefore I spend more time talking and goofing off with the kids than I do reading. Maybe I've lost my ability to concentrate for long periods of time. Those would be my only guesses.... Hmmmmm..... Either way I've not really jumped on anything at Amazon other than the book Becca wants, Charlie St. Cloud. And this is odd, the History Channel is talking about Ancient Egyptians and sex. Sheesh.

Ok, I'm sleepy now... but I've succeeded! A blog post. Too bad it's about absolutely nothing. LOL!

It's Only Tuesday... sigh...

I'm so exhausted. I need vacation and I need it now, or at least soon, but the truth is I have a little under four more weeks before I can go. In between then and now I have three court hearings, one of which is weighing very heavily on me. I keep reminding myself it's all slow, small steps... part of me though wants to just run through it all and get to the other side. It doesn't work that way - I know that, doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish.... Sleep isn't satisfying these days either. What's up with that? Sleep has always been something I could count on for respite - not lately. I'm missing something, not seeing it, and I wish I knew what it was. Can someone please tell me? It's like being in a classroom full of students who don't know the answer to the question the teacher just asked and so everyone sits around silently waiting on the teacher to just answer it already and move on with the lesson. I'm feeling like I'm waiting on God to get tired of me missing it and therefore just tell me so we can move on to the next part... but I'm really just stuck, and perhaps the truth is there is no next part. Oh well.

I've not posted any music in a while but I've got to say this, I think, is my new favorite - This Aint' Goodbye. It's sad, I know. What's up with that? It's all about timing, eh? Timing - she's a 500lb pound bearded lady circus freak I think... leaves you sorta sad and hollow, wishing you could do something to change it but knowing you really can't... walking away with insight you really wish you now didn't have. Ok, fine, I'm grasping at straws. I think I'm ovulating.

And, to end this little snippet of a blog post I'll post an old picture mom was given by a friend of hers. It's mom and me - I was around 19 I think. I showed it to the kids and they were more shocked at the way my mom looked then than me - they said I still sorta look the same (which I know is a lie). Oh, and I'm not really sure why I'm wearing that beret thing on top of my head... I think it was Christmas and we were visiting family friends so that might explain it on two levels: a gift and the weather. That's plausible, right?

'Nso...

Yes, well let me explain. The title. My father's family is Polish, actually immigrated from Poland in the late 1800s and settled in Wisconsin. I've not really had a lot of contact with them, always living so far away, and I have small vague snippets of memories surrounding them. I, of course, remember my grandmother the most. The last time I saw her I was 16. She died several years ago - the last of my grandparents to pass. She could speak fluent Polish, had a very distinct accent, and she tended to end most sentences with "... 'nso?" Which, spelled out long hand is, "and so?"

I have therapy tomorrow - and as I shared with a friend earlier, when I think about going it makes me want to cry. Odd huh? But that's how I feel. I want to go, don't get me wrong, but I think about what I will probably say, what we'll most likely talk about and it's like a crack appears in the dam that is my psyche and the concrete weakens, letting emotion I usually keep in check seep out. It probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me and I suppose the truth is that it doesn't have to, but it's still hard and I have to deal with it because I don't have any other choice.

I was thinking this morning about life and where we end up, how we get here, why. I live here in this little town I've known for the majority of my life. This is home... and growing up I didn't really realize there was more out there. My folks didn't place a whole lot of importance on travel and life experience. They'd already done it all - travelled and lived and all that entails. By the time I was older, by the time doing those things would actually influence and mold me it was done. Traveling out of town, let alone out of state or out of the country was just folly. We had the farm and that was life and that was it. College - gee that was fight I had to wage just to get the opportunity to go. And then I got more stupid - giving my love and then my body and then my life over to someone else. He, gee, he is hard to explain although I've tried here in this blog - I've tried. I married him thinking, believing, he had simple goals and simple desires and boy did I end up being wrong. But I bought into that - bought into the simple man with simple aspirations and I fashioned my life around that: a little house with a little family... small town American life. And it was fine.

Once upon a time I dreamed of bigger things though - wanderlust I suppose. I made a choice though, free will, and I directed my energy into this small place - this simple life. I have a cozy little home and wonderful children. I am blessed and I know this, I know this in my heart. Yet...

I've been ripped off. Robbed. Lured into a life, pointed in a direction, and then abandoned. I've worked at overcoming it, making it good, even downright awesome sometimes - yet... things happen and I am remined that no matter how far I come I still fall short. I'm still alone. I'm still stuck.

The engagement has been exciting! The kids are so happy and we're all making plans - talking about color schemes and photographers and menus. It's wonderful... so very wonderful. I love them and I want to do my part to make this magical and special - and I will. As God as my witness I will. The reality though is I do this alone.

I will leave it at that. No real need to go any further, explain it to death. This is what will come up tomorrow in therapy... after I tell her the sweet story of how he proposed... after I describe how happy they both looked at that moment... I will cry, as I cry right now, and she will tell me it's natural that I feel this way, that it all makes sense. She's right, I know, but it doesn't change anything - it changes absolutely nothing at all... 'nso?

Day Off

Yesterday was a holiday and I took today off just for the heck of it. Well, not really. Rebecca was asked to model for a photography guild this afternoon and we have to be there at 5. It will take her a bit to get ready and since I wouldn't have been off work until 5 I decided it was a smart thing to do - take the day. She also had dance classes scheduled for this morning but that was rescheduled late last night by her teacher and so we've got the morning to lounge around. At some point I will work on the living room a little more since I painted it Sunday. Mostly what's left to do is hang pictures. There are a few I can probably hang myself - well, heck, I could hang them all myself if I felt so moved I suppose, but it's easier to have help with some of them. The big one of the kids is heavy and I'm a little worried about how well the wall will handle it. I've moved some furniture around and dusted EVERYTHING. It's looking pretty good, the color turned out nicely! It's exactly what I had envisioned. Now I need to paint the trim and steam clean the carpet. Oh, also clean the chair the dog tends to rub against, ugh.

I feel odd having the day off and I'm not running around. Typically when I take a day off it's because I have some kind of running around to do - and today really was not exception to that except my plan was cancelled and I find myself free until 5. I will need to help Rebecca with her hair and makeup but that won't be until later in the day so until them, hmmm... what does one do? I've ended up with ten extra days off this year due to a mandatory state furlough. I don't really mind having a few dollars taken from my paycheck in exchange for the ten days. I'm taking five of them in August when we go to the beach and the other five, hmmm... I'm thinking a few right before Christmas holiday. It's nice to have time I can take (in addition to my accrued days). It's nice to have some money, at least for the next couple of years. I need to start dropping money in my savings account religiously... I need to be disciplined. I can do it... it's just making that first deposit.

I think I will make myself some breakfast... continue to watch Morning Joe... relax. This is sorta foreign to me and the truth is, after what I've been through in the past, I'm glad it is.

Dog Days of Summer

It has cooled off a little here in my little spot of the world but the weather folks are promising another heat wave coming soon. Yeah. I am so ready to head to the beach for our week of fun in the sun... but alas I have to get through July and the big trial first. This trial is weighing very heavily on me. I can not fathom these children going home - and yes I know the judge is the one who will ultimately make that decision but still... it's there for me, in the back of my mind. I've so wanted someone to talk to me, listen to me, tell me it's going to be ok and there was no one. Then my dear friend from far away called me last night and I found myself just spilling it and he was great. I didn't want him to fix it, didn't expect him to make it all better - but just the simple act of verbalizing it and someone listening to me and getting how important it is to me - that was, wow, exactly what I needed. So thanks dear... I so very much appreciate you and the fact that I can count on you to listen and be there for me.

Rebecca and I hopped up the road today and bought paint. I'm planning to paint tomorrow and Monday. I think that will give me plenty of time. I took Tuesday off also because Rebecca has some dance stuff today as well as the photo shoot with the photography guild. After we got back today from the store I watered all my plants and we gave the dog a bath. That's a chore and a half. We do it outside under the water hose. He's too big for his own good and looks like a darn bear. He sheds like crazy and I feel like I'm wearing a fur coat after brushing him. But he's clean now - whoopee! At least for a little while. I think I need a nap.

My mom send me an email this afternoon - one of those pass it along deals - but I liked the sentiment at the end so I thought I'd share:

Life is short...forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably... and never regret anything that made you smile.

The forgiving thing, well I'm working on that but the truth is there are very few people I feel unforgiving toward. The rest of it, well... makes me smile. I particularly like not regretting anything that's made me smile - especially the wicked things lol!

I should get busy again... no rest for the wicked, eh?!?

hot, Hot, HOT

It was 101 today (and yes that's Fahrenheit). But really it's been 101 give or take a degree for the last week or so - or perhaps longer - I've lost track. All I know is it's hot - very hot. Ok, fine, that's not so unusual for South Carolina but it just seem sorta early for the triple digits. The air conditioner seems to run continuously and walking out the door takes one's breath away. I wish we had a pool. June is quickly coming to an end and we don't go to the beach until August. Whatever am I to do? Nothing... that's what. lol!

I've not been blogging much lately - seems almost pointless. I have stuff to blog about but it sorta just all falls flat - like I'm whining - and we all know how fruitless that is for me. I asked the therapist last time I was there to answer a question for me - to tell me how it is that so many women who are difficult and unpleasant to live with have men who seem hellbent on making sure it all works - no matter how much they get shit on while doing it. She said she already had the answer but I'd have to wait to hear it until I came back in July. I'm looking forward to hearing the reasoning since my brother seems to be the latest to fall into that category. Apparently I butted into their conversation while at my mom's house last Sunday - the three of us are standing in the kitchen and he got more bbq meat and she made a comment to him about having had enough and it's time to quit eating and I said something about it being good stuff (from Henry's of course) and because I said that I was sticking up for him and butting in. Go figure. The whole situation is more complicated than that... they've been having problems for a while now... but I guess sister in law is using my comment and the fact she believes my mom served everyone a drink but her as an excuse to not come to my folk's house for a while. Okie dokie.

So yes, I'm curious to hear what the therapist's views are on this subject. Nothing I ever did close to pouting or being angry or pitiful ever worked - ever got a reaction. I got ignored or told I was being childish. I learned not to do it because it was a waste of energy and emotion. I learned not to do a lot because it was a waste of energy and emotion. I shut down, shut myself off, far less painful than continuously opening myself up just to get ignored or rejected. Is there anything more painful than rejection?

I've been feeling like I'm dwelling on that a lot lately. But it's hard not to do though. When you walk out into the world with a screwed up history in relationships and (supposedly) (hopefully) armed with a new set of coping skills you never are sure what's going to happen. You're anxious to try it all out - see if you can forge a new way of relating... but it's not that easy and it all leaves you frustrated. I still can't shake this idea, this feeling, that I'll always be alone. It's just not in the cards.

And then, speaking of f-ed up relationships, I've not blogged about the ex's reaction to the engagement. He was pretty much the last family member to know. Not my decision. He seemed reserved and if I read the reaction correctly I think he was hurt because of this. If he's anything he's not stupid and he knew he was left out. But Joshua said he had no reason to call him before hand, no desire to consult him, ask for his opinion or advice. The ex hung around for a grand total of no more than 15 minutes to hear the story of the proposal and then he cut out - left us there with his parents where we visited for about two hours. He continues to perpetuate the dysfunction... poor fella - he works daily to reinforce this whole "I'm just a piece of shit" excuse and then slinks out the back door. Whatever gets him off. He's two people if you want to know the truth. He's the poor fella, piece of shit, no good asshole who can't seem to get any of it right and then he's the unique, special, better than everyone else guy who can't catch a break. He's both these and he believes he's both - there is no mistaking that. That's why no matter what Joshua chose to do about the engagement or chooses to do about the wedding he can't please him so he shouldn't even try. The ex really doesn't want the responsibility but he's not going to admit it - so he'll use it to garner some sympathy in the meantime. pecker head.

And so there you have it - a post that's neither coherent nor cohesive. What do you expect from a chick with a sunfired brain? Too bad the body doesn't have a little of the sun kissed look, eh?

The Proposal

My son is now an engaged man. He proposed to Holly on Saturday night in front of all of us at her birthday party. There were many tears and hugs. It was a wonderfully sweet moment and I continue to be amazed at the many ways Joshua's mind works. He can be so romantic and thoughtful. Holly had opened all her gifts and he walked over to her and asked, "What did you wish for when you blew out your candles?" And, after a moment of hesitation and confusion, she said, "That you'd ask me to marry you." He then said, "Well, I have a question to ask you then." And he pulled out the ring and got down on one knee and asked her. She was completely surprised, as is evident in the picture. I am incredibly happy for them - I hope they can hold onto the memory of this moment. It will sustain them in the future as they face the many challenges that lie ahead. It makes me think too, how often in this life does someone get to make a wish when blowing out birthday candles - and have the wish so completely come true.

I'm feeling many things right now... to expound on them at the moment, however, isn't what I need to do. I will save that all for later. For now, right now, it's time to just be grateful for the moment, and the fullness in my heart. My son is man, such a good man, and I could not be more proud of who he is. Someone made a comment when seeing this picture that he looks so happy - and he does. He so very much does.

Stress and an Impending Birthday - Unrelated

So far this week has been better than the last. It was a rough one I will admit - court, visits, training, a meeting in Columbia. This week we still have training and court but, for me, it's less stress. I notice I handle stress differently now than I used to - growth I guess? It exhausts me but it doesn't make me irritable. I seem to be able to recharge easier too. A good nights sleep and a well balanced meal and I bounce back quickly. Thank you Lord!

It's been hot as hades here and the heat can sure be draining. A nice in ground pool would be awesome! A week at the beach would be even better! We don't go until the second week of August, sigh.... Next week I reach the grand ol' milestone of 44 - yeah. Today I received a birthday card from the ladies at the state office. It really made me smile, a half dozen well wishes from ladies I see a few times a year- funny how something so simple can do that to you. I went shopping with my mom on Sunday to buy Holly's birthday presents and mom had me pick out a few things I wanted. She said dad didn't just want to give me money because they always just give me money. I told her money works for me but she sorta laughed and said they knew I didn't really spend the money on me... guess they've got my number, eh? So she "talked" me into picking out a Vera Bradley handbag in a new pattern and I "talked" her into buying me a checkbook cover in the same pattern so they'd match. I'd like to have a few other pieces too - well all the travel pieces - but it gets expensive ya know? The laptop case would be nice to have but I already have one in a different pattern and hey, why do I need a second one just so all my pieces match? Mom also bought me a pair of earrings and a new toe ring. Cute huh?

This weekend we will all be with Holly's family on Saturday to celebrate her birthday and Sunday we are going to my folks to celebrate my birthday and Holly's and to say happy Father's Day. Then perhaps we will stop by the in laws to wish father in law well and say hello to the ex (I just threw up a little). As easy as it would be to ignore him I suppose that wouldn't be very nice. I'm sorta struggling with what to give as little gifts for all the fathers... I'm at a loss. Any ideas? I may just get my dad some golf balls because he plays several times a week and they come in handy. I can find the father in law something at Williams Sonoma but the ex... sheesh. His birthday was this past weekend too, so we used up our idea on that one. Again, any ideas?

I find myself half looking forward to my birthday... that's a change from years past. One more little piece falling into place I suppose. We'll see how it goes :-)

What Needs to Be Done?

This is one of the pictures from the portrait session I had done of the kids. I was very, very pleased with all the pics. Most are in frames now except this one. Once I hang the big one I will take a picture of the picture, until then this is what we've got...

good lookin' kids if I do say so myself. I'm so proud... sniff, sniff...

I am in the process of making a list... a to do list - because, well, I've got things I need to do. I really need to organize my clothes. I need to make sure I know what I have in the way of professional dress and what I still need. I have no idea what I need but if I have it laid out I can get a better grasp on it. Tonight I found myself in Belk and I bought a skirt and shirt and a dress. The dress was a steal at $14.oo - marked down from $58.00. It's just a cotton dress but it will be good for work on a non-court day. I need to looked polished and during the summer I really don't want to wear long pants. hot.

I also need to paint my living room. I've been meaning to do it for a good long while now - several years in fact - and I really shouldn't put it off anymore. I now have money to buy the paint and in a few weeks Joshua and Holly will be out of state on vacation and I can ship Rebecca out to my folks - then I'd have all the free space and quiet to paint in, I sure like that idea :-). I need to look at paint samples. I have a color in mind - and eventually want to get a new sofa. Both will make a dramatic difference in the space. I feel some pressure to do this now because I have that great new portrait collage of the kids to hang.

And I'm sure there is more - I know there is but I will start with those two things... and we'll see how I do. I will post updates :-)

The Game of Life

Wouldn't ya know, I get a boost in my pay check and the motor on the air conditioner goes out. There goes this months increase! Oh well, at least it's there to cover it right? I just hope it's truly fixed... I always wonder, especially after all the trouble we had getting the heating unit fixed in December. Sheesh. At the moment conditions feel comfortable, so we'll see. Fingers crossed :-)

Today was a weird day - not sure why really. The day after a holiday? Coming back from a trip? I don't know to be honest. Tomorrow Rebecca has a dentist appointment so I'll take my lunch time to grab her and take her there, get her teeth cleaned, pay for it (the part insurance doesn't cover), and run her home. Fun stuff, good times. Today after work I ran to the store and picked up a few things for the week grocery wise. I just feel like it's a non stop marathon sometimes - here, there, yonder - anywhere and everywhere. I enjoyed the weekend but it was constant movement - I'd like a lazy weekend: one where I can sleep late and have a leisurely breakfast, a walk, a snuggle, a really great meal with lots of conversation and good wine. Who am I kidding though?

I was at the Walmart today (and yes, I know I put "the" there, that's how we refer to it around this house, either that or Wally World) and I was buying some ant killer because it's rained a lot and the ants migrate when it does - and for some reason they migrate to the air conditioning unit... so I was getting the ant killer and looking at some solar lights to put outside around the garden area in front of the driveway. It's something I've been contemplating... I can't decide though how much I want to invest in them... so I've been holding off. For some reason it made me sad... standing there looking at them. It sounds silly I know, but I had this moment where I wasn't standing there alone, I had this mini little daydream I guess, and I was discussing the choices with some unknown partner. I guess it's just that I do so much stuff alone, make so many decisions and choices on my own that every now and again I get this flash of what it would be like to not do it all alone... and it's funny that it's not about big stuff, like fixing the air conditioner. It's about all the little things, like solar lights. That seems so sad, and sorta pathetic, really - don't you think?

For some reason, at least for right now and who knows, perhaps for the rest of my days on this earth, I'm meant to travel this journey alone. Yes, I realize I'm not completely alone... I have the kids and I have my family but it's not the same. I don't take any of the other for granted - a huge step forward for me... at one time my loneliness did cloud my vision and kept me from enjoying the here and now. It doesn't anymore and I can truly say that if my life remains the way it is now I will go to my grave feeling like I did accomplish something in this life. I don't live life waiting - but that doesn't negate the desire to share life with someone else... I just have to make sure I put it all in perspective, for whatever that's worth.

I started going back to therapy because, as I told her, I was living too much in my own head and I knew that was a problem. I've made progress with that I think, although sometimes I think part of that is just exhaustion from working and parenting lol! There has been a definite shift in my fear factor though, before I was afraid I'd be alone and now I'm afraid all I'll ever be comfortable with is being alone. I used to be afraid of never hearing "I love you" and now I'm afraid I will never be able to say it. Can one become so secure in the silence that opening up becomes more of a burden than a blessing? That's my fear now... the therapist says I'm wired to be in a relationship... but can I become rewired? And does the longer I live like this guarantee I'll stay like this because I won't be able to wrap my mind and heart around anything else? That's funny I think... if someone were to "save" me it wouldn't a matter of saving me from the world... it would be saving me from myself - from being too independent, too self sufficient, too cold and closed.

That's not how it works though... it's just not how it works... and that, I would guess is the mantra of a resigned romantic.

Atlanta

The kids and I spent the weekend in Atlanta. We saw the Georgia Aquarium on Saturday and spent the day at Six Flags on Sunday. We ate at the Cheesecake Factory (we don't have one here in SC) and spent a lot of time turning around on streets because we passed the street we were supposed to turn on... Atlanta is a confusing place to drive... I didn't much enjoy that part of it. All the directions we had involved u-turns, go figure.

The Aquarium was pretty cool - we saw penguins and beluga whales. The place is pretty big and there were like a bijillion people there. It was smart to have tickets and a reservation time prior to getting there. People were in line at 2 getting tickets to enter at 4. The weather wasn't horribly hot so waiting might not have been that bad but I can't imagine waiting like that in 100 degree+ heat.

Six Flags was fun! We rode all the coasters, um yeah... I've decided I'm a tad bit old to be doing stuff like that. There were three coasters I won't get on again - they flung my head around and really hurt. I'm still feeling it today. My favorties were the Batman and the Superman (is that a theme?). Superman was cool because they strap you in and then put you on your stomach. Those two rides didn't fling my poor little noggin around like the others did. I rode the Goliath once with the kids - it's wild because it only has one little thing across your front and the big deal with the coaster is it makes you almost weightless by suspending you for a split second in the air as you come down from the coaster's ups. They wanted to ride it one more time before we left the park, I declined and they went without me. The rode in the front seats and, well... the picture says it all!

We had a great time... but it's good to be home!

Tango

How absolutely awesome is that?

Whew

Recital went well. She was awesome, as always, says the mother... take it for what it's worth, but really she was. It was exhausting but a lot of fun and I was very proud of her. My mom, dad and brother came to the morning show, as well as the office intern and her granddaughter. Joshua and Holly were supportive, as always, and braved both shows to support Rebecca. It's such a sweet thing. Her other grandparents were at a wedding out of town and her dad is still on house arrest and couldn't get permission to come. That's for another blog post.

I took my mom up the road today and we saw Riverdance. Let me tell you, it wasn't what I expected. But to be honest I'm not sure what I expected. It was awesome though, I've got to tell you. Impressive. The tickets were part of the package I purchased last spring. I don't think they were something I would have purchased separately but after seeing it I am wrong. It was well worth the time and money. It was a lovely evening!

Ok... it is late, time for bed. Nightie night.

Recital Practice 2010

So once again here we are... another rehearsal tomorrow night and then rectial all day on Saturday - one performance at 10 and the other at 6. It will be a long exhausting day... until then here are a few highlights from tonight.

May 9th...

Today is Mother's Day and it's really been a lovely one. I slept in a tad, got up and popped the baked beans into the oven and the kids surprised me with the most lovely gift: a set of copper rain cups! I've always wanted a set and a few weeks ago we were in a store that had a set hanging up and I mentioned how pretty they were, then today bingo! That was so thoughtful of them, not only for the gift but for hearing me say something and really taking that to heart. I'm touched!

We drove out and had a visit with my mom and dad. Mom hates my hair - she didn't say as much but she said she didn't like it as much as some of the other cuts I've had... you read between the lines. We had a nice visit though. I told her I was sorry her gift wasn't ready yet, but she didn't care so much about that I don't think - she just enjoyed seeing the kids. After we left there we called the in laws to see if there were home and we stopped by there to drop the card for ex mother in law off. We visited for a little while and explained the gift wasn't ready. Ex came down from upstairs for a split second and said hello to the kids then went outside. He was out there for a long while then came in and said hi to the kids again and said he he'd leave us so we could visit and then went upstairs. No goodbyes were said when we left. We got in the car and Joshua said, "Could home-dude get any weirder?"

Tomorrow I have the day off... I plan to spend most of it here at the house. I have some plants I want to set in pots. I need to run to the dump and pay a few bills - I'll do all that either as I drop Rebecca off or pick her up. She has dance in the evening and I have a board meeting to attend. But I like the fact I have a day to just chill. Snaps for me!

Merry Month of May

Well my fear was not realized... I woke up Saturday and it was, in fact, May 1st. I had this fear I would wake up and it would be April 1st all over again - I just couldn't take that! I could not do the month of April all over again! I didn't think it was ever gonna end.... but, whew, it did and I say "Arrivederci" to that long, rough ol' month. What made it so rough you ask... well that's a tough one - I really can't put a finger on it. Work was demanding, yes. The same running I always do. So to be honest, I'm not sure. It just was and perhaps that's enough of an explanation. At least I have two, yes TWO, state holidays this month - WooHoo!

So let's see... the ex is on house arrest. Somehow his sentence was reduced to a few month's worth of house restriction. He did not share that with me, his parents did not share that with me... the kids came home asking about it because some man showed up while they were there on Saturday and the grandparents had a moment of trying to cover it up, which of course raised the heightened awareness by the kids - they aren't stupid. They came home asking me and, of course I had no idea, so I called our minster and asked. Once he's finished with this he goes back to being a productive member of society (yeah right) and all will be right with the world. Barf.

Ah well, whatcha gonna do? He still continues to be a void in the kids' lives. They go have dinner and he spends the majority of his time upstairs. I really don't know what the deal is. Embarrassment? Gee, that really can only get a person so far. They didn't see him the whole month of April... and he was stuck at home. His loss, truly.

I think I'm going to treat myself to a coconut fruit bar...

Saturday

The year is wrapping up quickly - odd to say that huh? The year, in April, is wrapping up. May will be a whirlwind of activity. Rebecca's dance recital is on the 22nd and the week leading up to that will be evenings of rehearsals. Recital day itself is busy - two performances in one long drawn out day. The last day of school is the 28th, which just so happens to be Joshua's birthday. May is hectic, but wonderfully so...

This morning Rebecca and I had our hair cut. Rebecca's looks great, not too different than before, a little shorter, a few more layers... but still long. Me, well, I told her to do whatever because I really haven't cared too much and she sure did. It's about the same length but she shaped it and added some layers. I'm still trying to decide how I feel about it. I don't dislike it, it's just different and I've got to get used to it.

I think my hair unhappiness has more to do with the two blemishes that have erupted on my face than anything else... makes me feel icky all around. For goodness sakes I'm 43 years old and not one, but two pimples have decided to pop up. There is an episode of Family Guy where the oldest son gets a pimple and it's so huge and it takes on a personality of its own - it talks and tells the boy to do things, bad things. I feel like these two have been whispering in my ear and I feel like they are the only things visible on my face. Ewwww...

Tonight the kids and I went down to the local coffee shop for dinner. A young fella Joshua went to school with sings old blues songs from the 20's and earlier and was playing in the coffee shop tonight. He's researched this music, found recordings from way back when and has studied it. He's found local musicians from that era and can tell all the stories! We really enjoyed it. While listening we got a brilliant idea for a rehearsal dinner. Even though the kids aren't engaged yet (soon though I think) we've thrown around ideas... and I think we've decided a good ol' pig pickin' would be a blast, complete with checkered table clothes and mason jars filled with daises. We'll have the young fella come and sing bluegrass for us and it will be a laid back and very sweet celebration. I think this whole marriage thing is starting to sink in and be ok... :-)

Oh, I've not shared that little wrinkle with y'all, have I?

Ok, some truth here. This whole engaged/wedding thing was a little much for me. It's been my issue and my issue only and so I've not really made a big deal out of it. But, like most things I think, as time has gone by I've adjusted more and more to it. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not whining about my baby boy leaving me, if I'm honest I feel like it's more about me aging, getting older. When it's come to the kids, however, I've learned to wait, be patient and trust my instincts - so now it's settling in and the excitement of it all is building some. The kids are looking at a wedding in the fall of 2011 and it's fun tossing around ideas. They've picked out a setting for a ring and I've given them the center stone from my ring. Now it's just a matter of time, waiting to see what Joshua decides as to when and where. There are big changes on the horizon - stay tuned!

A Few More Just For Fun

Flopsy, Mopsy and Cottontail...

I always take a picture of the kids at one of Rebecca's dance competitions - it's a yearly thing - a tradition. Today was the last competition and the venue was really funny about picture taking and the schedule was such it was difficult to get them all together while Rebecca was still in costume. Drat. But after the awards ceremony we all walked along the river in downtown Greenville and had some lunch. Walking back to the car we stopped for our yearly pic and here it is... version 5.0. Ya gotta love 'em.

Rant and Rave

It has been a horrendous week - and it's only Wednesday! It's a lot of work stuff... and then I'm having problems with our utilities. The phone company says I didn't pay the bill but I did - I mean I wrote the check and dropped it by the phone company - but I guess it didn't get credited or something. So I call and find out because I've not changed over the bills and put them in MY name they won't tell me anything - hey, they'll take a new check from ME but they won't tell me anything. And so, I ask what I need to do the change them over and the process just verified for me why I haven't done it yet. It's a pain in my ASS! He has to sign something, I have to sign something, I have to pay $22. The only saving grace is we don't have to come together. The cable company, on the other hand, demands us to come together. If not, he can call and cancel the service and that will leave me without service for a few days while they process the work order and run a friggin' background check on me and charge me a connection fee. Sheesh. I've not even bothered to call the electric company yet to see what the process is for that - probably involves a blood sacrifice and my first born. Who knows.

The crazy thing about all this is I've always paid the bills. I've always made sure they were on time. Now they wanna run a background check on me!? Yeah, um sure. right. So I called him, the ex, and told him the dilemma and he insisted the bills had been in BOTH our names and I had to say no, they weren't. He said he could have sworn and I said no, the nice ladies I've talked to wouldn't tell me anything because my name is NOT on any bill. He said I didn't understand what he was saying... but I did understand and the answer was/is no. My name is nowhere on any bill. So... damn. We gotta jump through some new flippin' hoops.

The lady at the cable company tried to make me feel better - she said, well, if it's any consolation it's harder to deal with when someone dies. I'm thinking to myself - what the heck - you folks try to squeeze money out of dead person? The federal government is so kind to us, all these protection laws... where were my protection laws when he was cattin' around on me? I was holding down the fort... and now I've got to get his permission to do him a favor. Screw it.

Ok... thanks for listening to my rant.

HAHAHAHA!

A late night/early morning muttering out of Joshua's mouth - "Tell those skinny girls to stop playing campfire songs..."

OMG! Too funny!

Dance Pictures DONE

And here we are - I didn't take as many yesterday as I did on Tuesday - too lazy really - and besides, I was paying for the good stuff so I didn't spend as much time with my camera. I really have all the intentions in the world of purchasing a new camera - a fancy shmancy camera - but I've not gotten there yet. Perhaps one day. It was more important to invite Loretta and Franklin into our house than a new camera. I'll get there...

Until then I'll struggle along... sniff sniff...

I've got more to say but not enough time to say it in... so I'll sign off for now - taking Rebecca to see The Last Song tonight - she read the book and now she's just GOT to see the movie - tomorrow it's shopping with my mother - oh fun... lol... I'm kidding -we've not done this in a while and I'm taking her out for her birthday - girl time. Have a great Good Friday if anyone is reading this - I'll be back...

Spring 2010

Spring has sprung - that's for sure - it was an absolutely beautiful day. That was a blessing since dance picture week started today. The girls all had to dress like bridesmaids in honor of the studio owners wedding coming this fall. We lucked out and Holly had a dress Rebecca could borrow. It looked lovely! I had the flower shop next door to the office make a small bouquet of flowers and she was set... beautiful.

We go back to the studio on Thursday for the second wave of pictures. I'll let y'all know how it goes.

I had my eye exam today. I've had a hard time finding an eye practitioner I like. We used to go to this guy who was wonderful - and then he retired - and the fellas who took over his practice are fine, good doctors, but the subscribe to the patients as cattle mentality. You get there and wait... and wait... and then they take you back and you wait some more. Since I work on the town square I've noticed a eye doctor there and I thought it would be an easy place to access. I went today and they were wonderful. It was a full exam but it flowed and I was done in less than an hour - even having my eyes dilated. I picked out a new pair of frames and they are putting bifocal lenses in them - it was time. Perhaps now I will wear my glasses more often as opposed to just wearing my contacts. He has me wearing a different kind of contact and he's playing with the strength to make up the difference in the old age eye thing going on with me - you know, the fact that I can't read or see things up close too clearly. So far it's ok, I can tell my eyes are adjusting. The doc said he doesn't like bifocal contacts... he said they are thicker and less comfortable, in general, and he said they are very expensive. So we're trying this... All I know is thank goodness for the insurance - the bill was outrageous, but really manageable with the insurance.

And so I'm exhausted... ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

The culmination of an off the wall conversation between mother and son this morning, all about cutting brownies -

Joshua: Well mother, you're definitely special...

Me: Awwwwww.... how sweet!

Joshua: ...but that doesn't mean you're not also crazy...

I've never felt more loved :-)

Kinda Cool

Ok, as we know competition season is just days away and, well, I take pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. Tonight was dress rehearsal and while it wasn't as polished as it will be on Saturday, they did wear costumes and we did do some make-up. Hair, well... um... not so much. We'll work on that more Friday night while staying in the hotel in Asheville. I am not getting up Saturday morning at 4 just to get it all done and us to Asheville by 8. Nope. Not gonna happen. Another reason I'm very grateful that my financial house isn't bleeding money anymore! It's nice to book a room and not worry about how I'm going to pay for it, ya know?

So here are a few pictures - I thought they were kinda cool.

This Year's Selection

To your left is the pointe costume for this year. They are dancing to Roxanne, but not the Police version - the Moulin Rouge version - which ends up sounding very tango-ish, Spanish feeling. It's caused a little stir around the studio because of the lyrical content of the song but hey... whatever.

To your right are the two costumes for her tap/jazz class. There is the black and gold number for, what else, Black and Gold - this years jazz dance. The black and teal dress is for tap and I don't know the name of the song at the moment. It starts out being very old fashioned jazz style and then breaks into a modern hip hop sorta song.

Costumes were once again quite expensive - but what did we expect, right? These are only three of the seven. But hey - I had no problem paying for them this year. Life is good - see, what have I been tellin' y'all? It's definitely nice having enough money to take care of stuff like this - dance costumes and competition fees, spring registration fees for school, washer and dryer... it's nice to buy stuff when we run out and not stress about budgeting for it. We run out of shampoo, I just stock up... toilet paper, paper towels, trash bags.... dog food, cat food... same thing. For a while I had to be careful with money - don't get me wrong, I still have to be careful but I have breathing room these days - and boy did I need it.

This weekend is the first competition of the season - more pictures to follow soon... :-)

Hidden Rooms/Big Dreams

Ok - I had some mistakes... which I fixed - so much for not running spellcheck before hitting the publish button!

Lately I've noticed one dream popping up in my sleep. It's not an every night kind of dream but it's happened on more than one occasion and I've always thought it sorta odd. I looked it up tonight to see if there is any interpretation of this dream and wow - I found out it's sorta a common theme in dreams... I never knew! So much for thinking I'm unique - LOL!

The dream usually revolves around me finding a room in my house - a room I didn't know existed. Sometimes it's a bathroom I didn't know was there or a huge closet, other times it's a master bedroom suite. It's always a huge surprise and it always gets discovered when I just don't think we'll ever have enough room. I've read dreams like this can mean something about discovering hidden aspects of your personality or maybe an expansion or some sort in your waking life. That sounds logical, considering all the work that's been going on around here the last few years.

And funny - I'm watching Dreamgirls on television right now. I've never seen it before - yes, I've been living under a rock. It strikes me, while watching this, how easily, how quickly, a pure idea, goal, aspiration, can become twisted and changed into something else. People get stepped on and used. People get tossed aside. It happens all the time, every day, on a less grander scale - it happens. What becomes of the people left behind? Your dreams have been stolen, you don't fit into the plan anymore - what do you do?

I suppose you make a new dream... it's hard to do though because so much has been invested in the old dream and I think a lot of energy ends up being put into trying to redefine the dream - make it fit the new dynamic. I'm not sure it works that way - or maybe it does. I've not figured that part out yet. It's not been my experience though. I had a dream of love and marriage - a dream of sharing and growing old together, a dream of a family. I've done well redefining the family - it doesn't feel like something is missing anymore when we sit at the dinner table or make plans. The kids and I are a cohesive family unit, whole and complete just the way we are. It's not what I had envisioned the family to be but it is a family all the same. This isn't the career I envisioned but I'm much happier than I was doing my other job. And love, well, I'm sorry but I'm not sure it really truly exists. Two out of three ain't bad though, huh? Or at least that's what I've heard.

Spring

Happy First Day of Spring!

dysFUNction

I have found an indescribable joy in the act of doing laundry. My first thought on Friday morning was, "I can do laundry this weekend!" Sick I know. We have a closet full of clean towels and I'm catching up on washing all those non essential items we've been putting off. We've washed linens and marveled at how easily a big, fluffy queen sized comforter fits in the drum of the washer. Everything feels great and smells great. Life is truly good!

And it is. I know I keep saying it but I think the knowledge surprises me some still. I went Thursday for my monthly therapy session. I'm not sure how long she and I will continue to do this... I'm not ready to give it up yet. I do get valuable insight out of it still. I recounted to her about taking Rebecca to the audition and Rebecca's comment after all was said and done about how she didn't understand why it was so important to me to make her do it. I bristled at that I will admit. It's flack I often got from the ex during the marriage - stuff about how I had it all figured out and he and the kids were just pawns in my master plan. He didn't really phrase it that way but it was pretty clear that's what he thought. I suppose it all seemed that way to him because he left everything to me to do, to manage, to handle.

I've not forced the children to do anything, I've followed their lead. Joshua wanted to play baseball and football so I made it possible for him to be where he needed to be and have what he needed to have. I didn't force him to go to college, I didn't pick the school he attended or pick his major - but I made it possible for him to go to school and graduate without any debt. It's been the same with Rebecca and dance - Rebecca and anything...

And so yes, I bristled, if only inside. I teased her about it some, said, "oh, now wait a minute little girl... you said you wanted to do this and I made it happen." To which she responded, "Well how was I supposed to know you'd take me seriously!" I recounted all this to the therapist and we discussed the ex's criticism of me. She said she understood that, and she understood why I would feel that way but that she didn't think Rebecca's reaction was like that. She said what Rebecca did was typical - normal even - and that it's her way of separating some, without separating. She said it's what teenagers do.

That's what I get out of therapy folks - perspective. It's hard to live a certain way for so very long and not have it skew the way you internalize things. I was already working from a disadvantage with my parents. I didn't see a healthy relationship there and the dysfunction in their marriage made it very difficult for them to parent in the most effective manner. Their relationship took center stage which relegated everyone else to bit players. My ex didn't grow up witnessing a healthy relationship and Lord knows he and I didn't have a healthy relationship. My goal, my life's work, as become being healthy - showing the kids healthy. I couldn't do that living the way I was. I'm still learning, always learning, but that's the way it's supposed to be - at least I think so. After all, a little bit of dysfunction is good for the soul... it's just important for it to be a tiny little bit... not a whole boat load, ya know?

The New Additions

It's exciting times here at the ball!

Two weeks ago I took another step into the uncharted wilderness of single living and the kids and I took a drive up to Lowes in the next town up (because we don't have one here in the sticks) and looked at washers and dryers. I had a two in one sorta combination in the corner of the kitchen the ex and I had purchased many years ago - before Rebecca was born - and it had become quite a pain in my ass in recent months. The dryer had gone over to the dark side and had decided to make our lives difficult in the only way it could. It was taking forever to dry things, it was attacking our clothes and leaving little discolored marks on them and it was biting certain items and leaving little slits or holes. The items it seemed to take most delight in harming were any kind of t-shirt and mine and Rebecca's panties. We stopped putting anything in the dryer except blue jeans and towels and like I said, it was taking forever to get them dry. I couldn't put the purchase off any longer. And besides, since the washer and dryer were the two in one variety I sorta needed a new washer too. I had my heart set on a front loading washer, one that uses significantly less water, and so off we went...

I ended up buying a set, and I had planned on paying for them with tax return money (since I'm a poor woman on paper at least one last year) but I hadn't taken the taxes yet and I didn't really have the money in hand (I could have used savings I suppose...). I said screw it, I'd finance the suckers and just pay it off when I did get my return. I explained to the little fella in the appliance section what I wanted to do so he explained to me how to apply for credit and gave me the stuff to fill out. As he was ringing up the washer and dryer and setting my delivery date he said -oh, you're pre-approved. So, ok... not as hard as I thought it was going to be!

Yesterday was D-Day - Delivery Day - and the two nice delivery fellas brought them and hauled away the demon and now I have two 21st century beauties sitting in my kitchen. The fellas hooked the washer up but after I ran the first load and the clothes came out sorta steamy I remembered that for some reason our hot and cold water faucets are switched (this house is nuts) so Joshua switched the hoses for me. Then we needed a new vent thing - the old one we had was a fire hazard because it was the plastic variety - so we went out to get that (and eat dinner and see a movie) and when we got back we realized we are missing one of the clamps for the vent so I ran to The Walmart at 9 pm. But now, beautifully, they are both up and running and I've washed and dried two loads of clothes and I plan on doing many more today! We're sorta behind on laundry in the house these days... hmmm... I wonder why?

Part of me was a little nervous and unsure about making such a major purchase alone - but I did it and I'm not stupid and I am capable of being a comparison shopper. I knew what I wanted, I had an idea of what I wanted to spend, and I asked questions. I'm actually much better at this sort of thing than my ex is/was, so I'm not sure why I was apprehensive about doing it. It's felt so great - having the new additions in the house. It's amazing how smoothly laundry can go when the washer and dryer actually work! Today Joshua christened them like he does everything - he's named them Loretta and Franklin (and please don't shorten Franklin's name to Frank, he doesn't like that). Is it pathetic that I get so giddy at the silliest things? Oh hell, who cares! I have a fantastic new washer and dryer and my life is simplier because of it - that's reason to celebrate in my book.