34-17
What a fantastic game!
Sure feels good to win bragging rights for the year!
Go Cocks!
11.28.2009
11.26.2009
Thanksgiving and Gratitude
It is Thanksgiving! Happy Thanksgiving Y'all! And I mean that from the bottom of my heart.
Yesterday at work, one of the ladies from the state office sent around this quote - and gee... guess what? It was something I really needed to hear. It's a quote from Melodie Beattie and here it is:
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
Yesterday, as I went about my business - leaving work early because we were allowed too :-), I made a few stops on my way to the grocery store. I popped into my favorite jewelry store. They always have a big sale Thanksgiving week and I found a nice silver pair of big hoops for Rebecca (shhh don't tell her) and also the prettiest pair of charms to hang on them made from some type of shell. I then went to Belk and bought Joshua two pairs of dress pants and two nice shirts to wear with them; a real departure from buying my son his favorite Levis... lol. Next I went into Hallmark and bought wrapping paper and lastly made it to Publix and bought some wonderful groceries for the rest of the week - I bought my favorite tarragon chicken salad and some great snacks, two bottles of wine (a Riesling and a Beaujolais), I got stuff to make dips to take to my parents for Saturday's game day... I loaded up to the tune of 120 some odd dollars all on the most indulgent stuff, things I don't typically buy, it is the holiday after all! I topped the whole shopping excursion off by stopping at Starbucks for a latte as I headed home.
As I did all this I concentrated on what was good... what was positive. I have bought Christmas presents... with money I have and I bought what I wanted to buy... and now, for the first time perhaps, when we put up the tree in December I will have gifts, wrapped and ready, to go under the tree. I bought wrapping paper from Hallmark... something I've not done in a long time because I couldn't justify spending more money on wrapping paper than necessary even though I love their paper because it's thicker and wraps better and is so pretty. I've not had the money, the resources, to splurge and this year I do.
Last night was a good night - I made potato soup - the kids and I laughed and joked... and at some point all three of them ended up reflecting on our memories and moments over the years. They remember things, little things, and it was good to hear all this. Their lives are made up of all the everyday things we've done and they have a fondness associated with that. We've been a family - a whole family - and I've given them an anchor, a foundation. They turn to me when they are hurting or happy, they respect me, and listen to me, even if it's not always what they want to hear. Somewhere along the way I've had to have done something right - don't you think? And tonight we're thinking about going to the movies...
Thanksgiving and Gratitude - it's important to reflect and concentrate on those things, especially when it's the hardest to - this is my gratitude...
- My children are happy and healthy people - my daughter is active and successful in both school and dance, she is funny and smart and beautiful inside and out - my son has entered adulthood with all the tools necessary to succeed and so now it's all up to him, he has a degree, a job, and no debt, plus he's a fine man, a gentleman.
- I have a great job... I'm productive and busy, I use my brain a lot and my people skills - there is always more to learn, more people to meet. I've been able to take my life experiences and apply them to this job.
- I have good health insurance, dental coverage and after the first of the year, vision coverage - I have more life insurance and I have a retirement plan.
- My work schedule is such I can still do all the things with Rebecca's schedule that I need to do - I work 30 hours a week (well really more) but I'm still able to pick her up from school and take her to dance - and on those days I can't I have two grandmothers to help me.
- I have a roof over my head, food in the fridge, a car in the drive way. I have money in my bank accounts -
- I have friends who make me laugh, so hard sometimes it makes me cry - we share and support one another - I've been blessed to have them.
So that's a start... this morning I have The Macy's Parade... I have four tickets to see New Moon tonight... I have crazy kids... I have cheese straws... I will make a pumpkin pie and take a shower and keep my mind focused on my haves as opposed to my have nots. While it's not been an easy road I know I am blessed - I have survived, and at times thrived, and the future is still unknown... my it hold untold, unimaginable, joy, peace and love... for all of us.
11.23.2009
To Cry or Not to Cry... is that the question?
This song makes me bawl... and it's funny because things don't make me cry like they used to... I went through this phase where I cried a lot - oh not so that anyone would ever know or see... I was sneaky about it, couldn't let anyone see me weak ya' know. I've mentioned before how I'd sob in the shower... tears streaming down my face but they mixed with the water in the shower and so it was hard to tell which was which sometimes. I would cry, sob, until the sound would choke in my throat, until there was nothing but silent shaking, and I knew I was done... at least until the next time.
Joshua was in college and Rebecca is a very hard sleeper, a bomb could go off in the house and she'd sleep right through it. The shower was the perfect place... and it would be early early morning, the hardest part of the day for me, the loneliest. And then, at somet point, I guess I cried so much that I just couldn't cry anymore... and I didn't, not for a long while. Something hardened in me and I just couldn't do it anymore - maybe the sadness and the grief was replaced by anger, I don't know... and so for a very long time I didn't cry....
Then it started coming back, the tears... certain moments of mourning - moments unrelated to my ex, or my marriage, or my divorce - would prompt them. Feeling started coming back, like frozen fingers as they begin to thaw... and it was painful. I can cry now... I don't like to do it but I can... it happens at times, sometimes when I least expect it... but it's not sobbing. Sobbing is just so guttural... I've lost the guttural somewhere along the way... now I'm back to just sniffles, tears, and the occasional bawl... all normal stuff really.
...and this line... it's the one that brings the tears: And I wonder if I ever cross your mind - For me it happens all the time...
Joshua was in college and Rebecca is a very hard sleeper, a bomb could go off in the house and she'd sleep right through it. The shower was the perfect place... and it would be early early morning, the hardest part of the day for me, the loneliest. And then, at somet point, I guess I cried so much that I just couldn't cry anymore... and I didn't, not for a long while. Something hardened in me and I just couldn't do it anymore - maybe the sadness and the grief was replaced by anger, I don't know... and so for a very long time I didn't cry....
Then it started coming back, the tears... certain moments of mourning - moments unrelated to my ex, or my marriage, or my divorce - would prompt them. Feeling started coming back, like frozen fingers as they begin to thaw... and it was painful. I can cry now... I don't like to do it but I can... it happens at times, sometimes when I least expect it... but it's not sobbing. Sobbing is just so guttural... I've lost the guttural somewhere along the way... now I'm back to just sniffles, tears, and the occasional bawl... all normal stuff really.
...and this line... it's the one that brings the tears: And I wonder if I ever cross your mind - For me it happens all the time...
11.22.2009
Gray/Grey Skies
It's a quiet Sunday morning and looking out my window I can see the cloudy overcast sky. I am skipping church (please forgive me Lord) and there is a silence to the morning that is both peaceful and indulgent. Being a single mom with a very uninvolved ex is weird... I'm not often alone. Since I shoulder all the responsibility for the house and kids I find myself constantly on the run, being some place, doing something and so these quiet times are few and far between. At the same time though, with all the movement and responsibility, I am alone... I am lonely... up there, in my head. Moments like now those two states converge, alone and lonely, and it's an odd feeling... sometimes I think I should just go back to bed, sometimes I think I should get busy and distract myself, and then sometimes I think I should just confront it... feel it and follow it through. I'm going to have moments like this a few more times over the next five weeks or so... was this a bad time to draw out the time in between therapy sessions I wonder?
I think often of a line from the tv show Designing Women - remember the show? It was the episode where Charlene was giving birth and there was a woman in the hospital dying - she'd lived 100 years and it was her time and she was ready, and all the characters (well, minus Charlene) were gathered around her bed as she recounted her long life... imparting advice to them as they listened through love and tears and Miss Minnie quotes her pappa as she says, "We ain't what we should be, we ain't what we gonna be, but at least we ain't what we was." I try to remember that line when I feel like this... I'm not what I was, not where I was, and even if I were to be given the opportunity to go back to what I did have, I wouldn't, I couldn't, because I'm so much a better person now than before... I don't have what I want, don't have, God willing, what I will have, but at least now, at this moment in my life, I have what is real and authentic, even if I only have myself - and perhaps one day I can share that with someone else... without fear... someone who will do the same.
My artist friend has said to me more than once lately, "Don't settle Belle." But that's scary really - ya know? Don't settle... because not settling implies that you may have to give up, do without, manage alone... and that is exactly the one thing I struggle with the most. I don't want to settle - I truly don't. I've already done that... experienced it, fought it, tried to give into it, finally let it go. It's not about "holding out for a hero" or finding someone to fix it... it's about sharing and connecting in ways that aren't easily explained or understood. It's not about checking off a laundry list of things to do or say or offer... it's just a state of being I think, giving and taking and being ok with that... one thing I do know, one thing I'm most certain of, if/when I am blessed enough to find it I won't take it for granted.
The rain has begun. It's time to get busy... belly dancing begins in two hours - our last class! And so... off I go... this song has been stuck in my head... I love the chorus sampled from Imogen Heap:
Mmmm whatcha say, Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say, Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say, Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Wha- wha- wha- wha- what did she say
Seems the perfect thing to say under certain circumstances...
I think often of a line from the tv show Designing Women - remember the show? It was the episode where Charlene was giving birth and there was a woman in the hospital dying - she'd lived 100 years and it was her time and she was ready, and all the characters (well, minus Charlene) were gathered around her bed as she recounted her long life... imparting advice to them as they listened through love and tears and Miss Minnie quotes her pappa as she says, "We ain't what we should be, we ain't what we gonna be, but at least we ain't what we was." I try to remember that line when I feel like this... I'm not what I was, not where I was, and even if I were to be given the opportunity to go back to what I did have, I wouldn't, I couldn't, because I'm so much a better person now than before... I don't have what I want, don't have, God willing, what I will have, but at least now, at this moment in my life, I have what is real and authentic, even if I only have myself - and perhaps one day I can share that with someone else... without fear... someone who will do the same.
My artist friend has said to me more than once lately, "Don't settle Belle." But that's scary really - ya know? Don't settle... because not settling implies that you may have to give up, do without, manage alone... and that is exactly the one thing I struggle with the most. I don't want to settle - I truly don't. I've already done that... experienced it, fought it, tried to give into it, finally let it go. It's not about "holding out for a hero" or finding someone to fix it... it's about sharing and connecting in ways that aren't easily explained or understood. It's not about checking off a laundry list of things to do or say or offer... it's just a state of being I think, giving and taking and being ok with that... one thing I do know, one thing I'm most certain of, if/when I am blessed enough to find it I won't take it for granted.
The rain has begun. It's time to get busy... belly dancing begins in two hours - our last class! And so... off I go... this song has been stuck in my head... I love the chorus sampled from Imogen Heap:
Mmmm whatcha say, Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say, Mmmm that it's all for the best?
Of course it is
Mmmm whatcha say, Mmm that you only meant well?
Well of course you did
Mmmm whatcha say,
Wha- wha- wha- wha- what did she say
Seems the perfect thing to say under certain circumstances...
11.18.2009
At Day's End...
Where to begin? What to decide? Hard stuff... really. I finished reading South of Broad - good book... I did enjoy it. I've read some reviews that were sorta mixed but I liked it. I will say it's not as good as Beach Music though. I like Conroy's style - descriptive - almost reminds me of someone else's work I've read... writing that's touched me gently and spoken to me in the softest, most subtle hush... is it possible to fall in love through the written word?
There is one line in the book that stood out to me... "It's when you fall in love with your life that some demon force decides to take it all away." And I thought, "huh." And then... "wow." Also, I found it interesting that part of the story touched on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder. I was reading it, the chapter where it's mentioned, reading along at a steady clip and Conroy is describing life with this woman... describing her thoughts and behaviors and I'm thinking this is familiar... this is something I think I know something about and... then he says it - or writes it - and I think I said out loud, "thought so...."
It made me think of this:
I am such a cynic - truly I am. Yet somehow, as weird as this may sound - I still believe. I don't lie and it shocks me sometimes, I think, when other people do. And so, as I get to my thoughts on this rainy, cold, middle of the week night, I realize I want so much to write about something painful to me, something I've been holding in... and I'm not entirely sure how to broach the subject... I guess it all starts with the word hypocrite. Hypocrite is defined as such:
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
I can take a lot of junk from a person - I really can. Friendship, love, respect... it's not for the faint at heart. People disappoint, a fact of life. We all fall short, in some way, every day, in every walk of life... and I've always been quicker to forgive that in others than I have been to forgive it in myself. I work hard, well maybe that's not the right way to say it... perhaps it would be better to say it is important to me to present myself in the most authentic way possible. I am what I am - to quote Popeye - and I don't hide it. Conversely I may not stand on the highest peak and shout it to all the world... but I don't hide it. Anyone interested enough in who I am, anyone who takes the time to see me has access to it.
A little while back I was verbally attacked by someone - someone making assertions about me that were downright false. She accused me of doing things I hadn't done, saying things I hadn't said, feeling things I wasn't feeling, thinking things I wasn't thinking. She was, I think, projecting her own behavior onto me... she was doing all these things, talking out of both sides of her mouth, condemning me for being something I'm not, all the while doing all those things I was being accused of doing... in essence, she was being a hypocrite. I was told I couldn't say that but I stand by it. I've turned the other cheek, so to speak, and I've not engaged it. But it's worried me, made me anxious a little that people I do care about, people who's opinions matter to me, might have believed any of it. And this worry, this anxiety, is the only reason I write this. I don't give a rat's ass about her, only my reputation... and so I've removed myself from it, taking great steps and inordinate care to do so, and yet, she's followed me in a way - and still I choose not to engage. This feels so childish and ridiculously perverse... it feels like I'm being bullied. She tried to anger me, draw me out, force me to react... but I don't enjoy the game - and I refuse to play...
But then, while reading that chapter I was reminded, this is exactly what folks with personality disorders do...
There is one line in the book that stood out to me... "It's when you fall in love with your life that some demon force decides to take it all away." And I thought, "huh." And then... "wow." Also, I found it interesting that part of the story touched on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder. I was reading it, the chapter where it's mentioned, reading along at a steady clip and Conroy is describing life with this woman... describing her thoughts and behaviors and I'm thinking this is familiar... this is something I think I know something about and... then he says it - or writes it - and I think I said out loud, "thought so...."
It made me think of this:
I am such a cynic - truly I am. Yet somehow, as weird as this may sound - I still believe. I don't lie and it shocks me sometimes, I think, when other people do. And so, as I get to my thoughts on this rainy, cold, middle of the week night, I realize I want so much to write about something painful to me, something I've been holding in... and I'm not entirely sure how to broach the subject... I guess it all starts with the word hypocrite. Hypocrite is defined as such:
1. a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc., that he or she does not actually possess, esp. a person whose actions belie stated beliefs.
2. a person who feigns some desirable or publicly approved attitude, esp. one whose private life, opinions, or statements belie his or her public statements.
I can take a lot of junk from a person - I really can. Friendship, love, respect... it's not for the faint at heart. People disappoint, a fact of life. We all fall short, in some way, every day, in every walk of life... and I've always been quicker to forgive that in others than I have been to forgive it in myself. I work hard, well maybe that's not the right way to say it... perhaps it would be better to say it is important to me to present myself in the most authentic way possible. I am what I am - to quote Popeye - and I don't hide it. Conversely I may not stand on the highest peak and shout it to all the world... but I don't hide it. Anyone interested enough in who I am, anyone who takes the time to see me has access to it.
A little while back I was verbally attacked by someone - someone making assertions about me that were downright false. She accused me of doing things I hadn't done, saying things I hadn't said, feeling things I wasn't feeling, thinking things I wasn't thinking. She was, I think, projecting her own behavior onto me... she was doing all these things, talking out of both sides of her mouth, condemning me for being something I'm not, all the while doing all those things I was being accused of doing... in essence, she was being a hypocrite. I was told I couldn't say that but I stand by it. I've turned the other cheek, so to speak, and I've not engaged it. But it's worried me, made me anxious a little that people I do care about, people who's opinions matter to me, might have believed any of it. And this worry, this anxiety, is the only reason I write this. I don't give a rat's ass about her, only my reputation... and so I've removed myself from it, taking great steps and inordinate care to do so, and yet, she's followed me in a way - and still I choose not to engage. This feels so childish and ridiculously perverse... it feels like I'm being bullied. She tried to anger me, draw me out, force me to react... but I don't enjoy the game - and I refuse to play...
But then, while reading that chapter I was reminded, this is exactly what folks with personality disorders do...
11.16.2009
Family Funny
Ahhhh, it's that time of year isn't it? The kids have been talking about what they'd like for Christmas... a few ideas batted around - Joshua has stayed pretty true to his request - not wavering much at all. Rebecca, on the other hand, has been up and down and backwards and forwards so much my head has been spinning...
Sunday the kids and I drove up to Best Buy. Joshua's girlfriend, Holly, was picking up her Christmas present her parents had bought the day before - a new laptop... so I rode up with them to get an idea about this Zune thing Joshua has asked for this year... so I see it, I buy it - one major Christmas present done. Rebecca has been asking for a new laptop - she inherited Joshua's old one, the one that's five years old and sorta on its last leg. I have my new laptop and I'm really not about to share it - it's mine... all mine I tell you and I don't want anyone else's dirty little mitts on it! I've contemplated getting her one for Christmas but she had picked out one that was around $700 and by the time I bought the service plan and paid the taxes on it and did that optimization thing it would have been closer to a grand, and well, ya know, I just don't have that kind of money to blow on one present for her.
Best Buy had some nice computers for around $300 but she really got sorta pissy about it - said they weren't pretty enough and she didn't think they would have enough memory or whatever to hold all her music and stuff.... sheesh - and here Joshua was, the boy I paid all that money for so he could get an honest to goodness computer science degree, telling her they were just right for her - telling her that in three years when she went to college would be about the time she'd need a new laptop - telling her she ought to be smart and not so stubborn... and she folded her arms and gave us that look - you know the one - that teenage, OMG you people just don't get it, I can't believe I have to live like this look...
I just looked at her while pretending I didn't want to pinch her pretty little head off and calmly and unemotionally I said, "Listen Chick - I know you want what you want - but I'm telling you - I can't afford it - and so you have two choices - you can stay obstinate and miss out, or you can lower your standards and possibly get a new laptop." Well, I have no idea what clicked, clacked or clucked but her demeanor changed and she acquiesced - and, well... she's getting a new laptop. I even got a huge hug in the store and she actually got teary eyed - awwwwww.
God Bless Us, Everyone!
We left the laptop at the store for the whole optimization thing - and Joshua was going to pick it up for me today since he works near the store. Rebecca texted him this evening and asked if he got it - he gave her the run around and made her think he'd forgotten. He then let her know it was here and when she and I got home from dance she ran around the house looking for it (yeah like I was really gonna let her get a look at it out of the box). She was all into the search when I get a text message from Joshua that says it's under her bed haha, and for some reason that was the funniest thing to me. I tell ya, I get the biggest kick out of these kids sometimes -
Sunday the kids and I drove up to Best Buy. Joshua's girlfriend, Holly, was picking up her Christmas present her parents had bought the day before - a new laptop... so I rode up with them to get an idea about this Zune thing Joshua has asked for this year... so I see it, I buy it - one major Christmas present done. Rebecca has been asking for a new laptop - she inherited Joshua's old one, the one that's five years old and sorta on its last leg. I have my new laptop and I'm really not about to share it - it's mine... all mine I tell you and I don't want anyone else's dirty little mitts on it! I've contemplated getting her one for Christmas but she had picked out one that was around $700 and by the time I bought the service plan and paid the taxes on it and did that optimization thing it would have been closer to a grand, and well, ya know, I just don't have that kind of money to blow on one present for her.
Best Buy had some nice computers for around $300 but she really got sorta pissy about it - said they weren't pretty enough and she didn't think they would have enough memory or whatever to hold all her music and stuff.... sheesh - and here Joshua was, the boy I paid all that money for so he could get an honest to goodness computer science degree, telling her they were just right for her - telling her that in three years when she went to college would be about the time she'd need a new laptop - telling her she ought to be smart and not so stubborn... and she folded her arms and gave us that look - you know the one - that teenage, OMG you people just don't get it, I can't believe I have to live like this look...
I just looked at her while pretending I didn't want to pinch her pretty little head off and calmly and unemotionally I said, "Listen Chick - I know you want what you want - but I'm telling you - I can't afford it - and so you have two choices - you can stay obstinate and miss out, or you can lower your standards and possibly get a new laptop." Well, I have no idea what clicked, clacked or clucked but her demeanor changed and she acquiesced - and, well... she's getting a new laptop. I even got a huge hug in the store and she actually got teary eyed - awwwwww.
God Bless Us, Everyone!
We left the laptop at the store for the whole optimization thing - and Joshua was going to pick it up for me today since he works near the store. Rebecca texted him this evening and asked if he got it - he gave her the run around and made her think he'd forgotten. He then let her know it was here and when she and I got home from dance she ran around the house looking for it (yeah like I was really gonna let her get a look at it out of the box). She was all into the search when I get a text message from Joshua that says it's under her bed haha, and for some reason that was the funniest thing to me. I tell ya, I get the biggest kick out of these kids sometimes -
11.12.2009
Broken Record
I had therapy today - duh, it's Thursday... and we didn't really do the whole work on yourself to bits thing today, it was sorta low keyed and boring, well not really boring just sorta drama-less. And something to note: since going back to therapy this go round I've not cried often, very little in fact, and I think that means something and I'd be disingenuous if I said I didn't know why. I think I know exactly why - I think I'm pretty far into my healing journey and these last few months of therapy have been exactly what I had hoped they would be, a putting it to bed sort of exercise. I do know the rights and wrongs - the head gets it, the heart has been slow to follow... the heart is catching up though, and one day, just perhaps, they'll be in sync. Gasp! Could I, possibly, be on my way to self actualization?!? LOL!
We talked a lot about the kids today. We talked about how their father lives ten minutes away but goes three weeks + in between visits with them. We talked about Thanksgiving and my plans. She says she likes my plan for the day and wishes she could have the same sort of low keyed holiday. I'm really not upset about being alone. I will have some great snacks - really indulgent stuff... and something sinfully sweet to eat too - and an absolutely exceptional bottle of wine. I will watch some of my very favorite Christmas movies and I will enjoy the peace and quite. Not such a bad plan if I do say so...
We talked about Rebecca and how she's been affected by not having her father in her life. She has three pretty good men in her life who really adore her and really provide her with that sense of worth that girls need growing up. Would it be better coming from her dad? Sure it would - but I can't force him to be the kind of father she deserves. I spent many years standing in the divide - many years perpetuating an image of who he should have been for them. It was exhausting... and it didn't work; it just gave him permission to do whatever he wanted and be anywhere but at home. We talked about the conversations the kids and I have had about making choices in their lives concerning their dad and how they have to decide what makes them happy and not worry about how that may affect their father. Examples of impending decisions to make would be Joshua choosing someone besides his dad to be his best man or Rebecca choosing her brother to escort her in the homecoming court. These are things they both feel conflicted about - they don't feel close enough to their dad to ask him for these things. He's not been around, they can't count on him, he's disappointed them time and time again. It is only out of obligation do they even entertain the thought at all. It's not about love, it's not about trust, it's not about respect or admiration. They worry how it will make him feel... and I tell them time and time again, you are not responsible for how he feels. And I always tell them that, in the same token, they aren't responsible for how I feel. The therapist said that was the exactly right thing to be telling them, and she said I need to say it so much they think I'm a broken record.
I've become so immune to the poor pitiful, "I'm just a piece of shit" line that it doesn't register with me anymore... Joshua and Rebecca are a different story. They know intellectually what it all means, I just don't think they feel it yet. I remember when I felt it... when I let go of the responsibility - it was when I knew that if he finally did succeed in killing himself I held no accountability in it. His choices are his choices, always have been, always will be. I know this and what's more I believe it. The kids know it, they have to get to the point where they believe it... it's my responsibility to help them. It would be a wonderful thing to shield our children from all the hurt and ill of the world - kind of a hard thing to do when the hurt and the ill come from someone who is supposed to be shielding them. I can't make it go away, I can't fix it, I can, however, give them the tools to put it all in perspective, even if that involves being the proverbial broken record :-)
We talked a lot about the kids today. We talked about how their father lives ten minutes away but goes three weeks + in between visits with them. We talked about Thanksgiving and my plans. She says she likes my plan for the day and wishes she could have the same sort of low keyed holiday. I'm really not upset about being alone. I will have some great snacks - really indulgent stuff... and something sinfully sweet to eat too - and an absolutely exceptional bottle of wine. I will watch some of my very favorite Christmas movies and I will enjoy the peace and quite. Not such a bad plan if I do say so...
We talked about Rebecca and how she's been affected by not having her father in her life. She has three pretty good men in her life who really adore her and really provide her with that sense of worth that girls need growing up. Would it be better coming from her dad? Sure it would - but I can't force him to be the kind of father she deserves. I spent many years standing in the divide - many years perpetuating an image of who he should have been for them. It was exhausting... and it didn't work; it just gave him permission to do whatever he wanted and be anywhere but at home. We talked about the conversations the kids and I have had about making choices in their lives concerning their dad and how they have to decide what makes them happy and not worry about how that may affect their father. Examples of impending decisions to make would be Joshua choosing someone besides his dad to be his best man or Rebecca choosing her brother to escort her in the homecoming court. These are things they both feel conflicted about - they don't feel close enough to their dad to ask him for these things. He's not been around, they can't count on him, he's disappointed them time and time again. It is only out of obligation do they even entertain the thought at all. It's not about love, it's not about trust, it's not about respect or admiration. They worry how it will make him feel... and I tell them time and time again, you are not responsible for how he feels. And I always tell them that, in the same token, they aren't responsible for how I feel. The therapist said that was the exactly right thing to be telling them, and she said I need to say it so much they think I'm a broken record.
I've become so immune to the poor pitiful, "I'm just a piece of shit" line that it doesn't register with me anymore... Joshua and Rebecca are a different story. They know intellectually what it all means, I just don't think they feel it yet. I remember when I felt it... when I let go of the responsibility - it was when I knew that if he finally did succeed in killing himself I held no accountability in it. His choices are his choices, always have been, always will be. I know this and what's more I believe it. The kids know it, they have to get to the point where they believe it... it's my responsibility to help them. It would be a wonderful thing to shield our children from all the hurt and ill of the world - kind of a hard thing to do when the hurt and the ill come from someone who is supposed to be shielding them. I can't make it go away, I can't fix it, I can, however, give them the tools to put it all in perspective, even if that involves being the proverbial broken record :-)
11.11.2009
Wednesday
It's Veterans Day and I wish to all those who are serving and have served a BIG thank you!
Because it is a state holiday and because I am a state employee, I had the day off! I took Rebecca to school and came home and started laundry, which, I must confess, I am still doing now. My dryer isn't the most efficient appliance in my house and I really should get a new one, but they cost money - lots of money - and Christmas is coming and I really must set a goal of saving for one. I did get a lot accomplished today though - I popped into the grocery store and got dog food, deodorant, and ingredients to make vegetable beef soup for supper tomorrow - and I've put out some bread dough to thaw... I'll bake in the morning while I put all the good stuff in the crock pot to cook all day. With all this wet, windy, fall weather it will be a tasty dinner tomorrow night after a long, long day running around. Whew.
I've not forgotten about Linus and Sally - it's all not quite solidified in my head yet - the dialog between them while sitting in the pumpkin patch is really rather adult... or I should say it's really rather revealing of male/female perceptions. Linus thinks Sally is there because she believes in the Great Pumpkin. Sally is there because she believes in Linus - she wants to be with Linus, she wants to share what's important to him, whether or not she buys into the premise that a Great Pumpkin will come to the most sincere pumpkin patch and reward those who believe. Linus is genuinely surprised when she calls it a "good story" and that's when he makes those assertions about little girls being trusting and innocent.
So... that's as far as I've gotten in the thought process... I think men often times think that women are innocent - that women are incapable of being underhanded and manipulative - and I think that's a mistake. Women all have the ability - we just don't all act on it. And so... I need to think on it a tiny bit more before I finish the thought - it's not a completely negative idea... just all not fully formed... stay with me - we'll come back to it at some point here at the ball.
That's it for today - I'm sleepy as all get outs.... I'll be back... hehehe.
Because it is a state holiday and because I am a state employee, I had the day off! I took Rebecca to school and came home and started laundry, which, I must confess, I am still doing now. My dryer isn't the most efficient appliance in my house and I really should get a new one, but they cost money - lots of money - and Christmas is coming and I really must set a goal of saving for one. I did get a lot accomplished today though - I popped into the grocery store and got dog food, deodorant, and ingredients to make vegetable beef soup for supper tomorrow - and I've put out some bread dough to thaw... I'll bake in the morning while I put all the good stuff in the crock pot to cook all day. With all this wet, windy, fall weather it will be a tasty dinner tomorrow night after a long, long day running around. Whew.
I've not forgotten about Linus and Sally - it's all not quite solidified in my head yet - the dialog between them while sitting in the pumpkin patch is really rather adult... or I should say it's really rather revealing of male/female perceptions. Linus thinks Sally is there because she believes in the Great Pumpkin. Sally is there because she believes in Linus - she wants to be with Linus, she wants to share what's important to him, whether or not she buys into the premise that a Great Pumpkin will come to the most sincere pumpkin patch and reward those who believe. Linus is genuinely surprised when she calls it a "good story" and that's when he makes those assertions about little girls being trusting and innocent.
So... that's as far as I've gotten in the thought process... I think men often times think that women are innocent - that women are incapable of being underhanded and manipulative - and I think that's a mistake. Women all have the ability - we just don't all act on it. And so... I need to think on it a tiny bit more before I finish the thought - it's not a completely negative idea... just all not fully formed... stay with me - we'll come back to it at some point here at the ball.
That's it for today - I'm sleepy as all get outs.... I'll be back... hehehe.
11.08.2009
Sunday
I've been at a loss for words lately. I've had lots of thoughts... maybe too many - these thoughts haven't translated into anything concrete, no new postings. I took another nap on this Sunday and for some reason it made me more tired. I watched two movies and did some laundry. Earlier this afternoon I watched a movie called Shopgirl and I just finished watching The Green Mile. Shopgirl was an interesting enough movie - but gee I found it depressing as hell although it wasn't meant to be. Two of the main characters have a relationship - each looking for the same things but unable to find them with each other... love is there, but it's misrepresented... under appreciated perhaps... recognized too late. And while at the end of the movie they've both moved on and are happy, it's bitter sweet:
As Ray Porter watched his Mirabelle walk away... he feels a loss. How is it possible - he thinks. .. to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then did he realize how wanting part of her... and not all of her... had hurt them both... and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.
And that made me cry.
I'm so tired of that line, that idea - it was life. So much is lost behind that statement. It's such an easy thing to say. But reality is such there is nothing else to say I suppose. There is loss... and more loss... again and again - over and over and it never stops. And God, I just want it to stop. It won't though...
I sat in church today and memories came flooding back. It was 1992 and the decision had been made to have another baby. Joshua was five and we felt pretty secure in where we were, with what we had... the timing felt right. And so it began... I was irregular and that made it hard to determine timing and I think I took a pregnancy test monthly - and this went on for two years... and I wanted that baby - I had waited for that baby - and month after month the opportunity escaped me, slipped through my fingers... and it made me sad.... I would sit in church on Sundays and I would pray - Lord, if it be Your will, please send me the blessing of a baby... Sunday after Sunday I would pray, for over two years... and well, I finally realized that perhaps I was only meant to have the one - Joshua was it, and I was ok with it and I left the possibility behind and I placed the lid back on that box of hope and I said goodbye. This was December of '94. We'd even started taking precautions again. But as you know I did have another baby - I had Rebecca. I had gotten pregnant sometime in November amid a tough bout with bronchitis, a part time job, and three college classes a week. It was her time... it was God's time... it was my time.
I sat in church today remembering that - remembering the prayers and the tears and the feeling of futility and I remembered the feeling of futility surrounding the mental illness and the affairs and the divorce. From this vantage point, however, I see the blessing... I don't want my marriage back, my ex husband - the blessing is I'm free of it all now. I am happier and I'm slowly exorcising the demons and yet... yet I'm missing something. It slips through my fingers at every turn - and I tell myself there is a reason, all in good time - but I'm not sure I believe it anymore. A resigned romantic.
Tomorrow it is my divorcivercary - two years - and this Thanksgiving I will be alone - just for the day mind you... but alone. I've always loved Thanksgiving - the food, family, the atmosphere - and it was always a kick off of sorts in my mind, the arch to walk through on the way to welcoming the whole holiday season - so low keyed compared to Christmas - a moment to savor. I've had to redefine it all now... and I'm still not accustomed to it - and I might never be. I miss the extended family - the smells - the laughter - the tradition. I miss the chaos.
And so I will end this - because I'm losing my focus - and I'm whining - perhaps it's time for bed - and if I'm fortunate I'll experience in my dreams those things missing from my reality - good night all...
As Ray Porter watched his Mirabelle walk away... he feels a loss. How is it possible - he thinks. .. to miss a woman whom he kept at a distance so that when she was gone he would not miss her. Only then did he realize how wanting part of her... and not all of her... had hurt them both... and how he cannot justify his actions except that... well... it was life.
And that made me cry.
I'm so tired of that line, that idea - it was life. So much is lost behind that statement. It's such an easy thing to say. But reality is such there is nothing else to say I suppose. There is loss... and more loss... again and again - over and over and it never stops. And God, I just want it to stop. It won't though...
I sat in church today and memories came flooding back. It was 1992 and the decision had been made to have another baby. Joshua was five and we felt pretty secure in where we were, with what we had... the timing felt right. And so it began... I was irregular and that made it hard to determine timing and I think I took a pregnancy test monthly - and this went on for two years... and I wanted that baby - I had waited for that baby - and month after month the opportunity escaped me, slipped through my fingers... and it made me sad.... I would sit in church on Sundays and I would pray - Lord, if it be Your will, please send me the blessing of a baby... Sunday after Sunday I would pray, for over two years... and well, I finally realized that perhaps I was only meant to have the one - Joshua was it, and I was ok with it and I left the possibility behind and I placed the lid back on that box of hope and I said goodbye. This was December of '94. We'd even started taking precautions again. But as you know I did have another baby - I had Rebecca. I had gotten pregnant sometime in November amid a tough bout with bronchitis, a part time job, and three college classes a week. It was her time... it was God's time... it was my time.
I sat in church today remembering that - remembering the prayers and the tears and the feeling of futility and I remembered the feeling of futility surrounding the mental illness and the affairs and the divorce. From this vantage point, however, I see the blessing... I don't want my marriage back, my ex husband - the blessing is I'm free of it all now. I am happier and I'm slowly exorcising the demons and yet... yet I'm missing something. It slips through my fingers at every turn - and I tell myself there is a reason, all in good time - but I'm not sure I believe it anymore. A resigned romantic.
Tomorrow it is my divorcivercary - two years - and this Thanksgiving I will be alone - just for the day mind you... but alone. I've always loved Thanksgiving - the food, family, the atmosphere - and it was always a kick off of sorts in my mind, the arch to walk through on the way to welcoming the whole holiday season - so low keyed compared to Christmas - a moment to savor. I've had to redefine it all now... and I'm still not accustomed to it - and I might never be. I miss the extended family - the smells - the laughter - the tradition. I miss the chaos.
And so I will end this - because I'm losing my focus - and I'm whining - perhaps it's time for bed - and if I'm fortunate I'll experience in my dreams those things missing from my reality - good night all...
11.01.2009
The Lighter Side
What a lazy Sunday - but those are the best kind - right? I did get my lazy butt out of bed this morning and went to church... Rebecca went with me too, although I'm not sure she was too thrilled. She had a pissy attitude the whole time we were getting ready and while driving (ten minutes) to our church. On our way home she said she wasn't really upset about going to church but that her brother came in and said, "Rebecca, mom is calling you to get up" and then he went back and crawled into his bed and didn't come to church with us. I got it then... told her next time to go in and harass his behind!
I napped a little today, and read a little today, and watched a movie. Joshua did the dishes! Guess he figured he would atone for not showing for the church service - Jesus might not take it but I sure will (gee I sound sacrilegious today!). All in all it's been a wasted day, but hey, sometimes we need those...
We all know by now how much time Rebecca spends at the dance studio - don't we? I end up there too, waiting - and I do so mostly because the dance studio is in the next town and to drive her there and then drive home just to turn around and pick her up is an expensive deal. So I hang out and I read, or I chat with the other moms, or sometimes I doze... it's down time for me in a way... there is no television, no wireless access, it's down right primitive, but it also forces us to engage in those old timey activities like conversation and boy, do we come up with some good ones - we hear all the latest local gossip, we trade ideas and recipes, we laugh. Last week the funniest thing happened - and I'm not sure it will translate well into a blog entry but I'll give it a shot... I've been working on my Linus/Sally post and it's not quite ready yet so this is gonna have to do...
So last week there are four of us sitting on the couches in the lobby of the studio - doing what we do best - bitching. It's a rainy afternoon... fall is in full swing and while we're sitting in the lobby a boy comes in from outside, a brother to one of the dancers, and he walks up to Tina and he says, "Ms. Tina, do you have a cat?" Tina says, "Sure I do, several" (her daughter had rescued six kittens a few months ago from the side of the road and there are two of them left. A few went to new homes and a few met with an untimely demise). The little boy says, "Do you have a black and white cat?" Tina looks at him a little hesitantly and says, "Yes... I do... we call him Sylvester." He says, "Ms. Tina, there is a black and white cat under your car." Tina says, "Is he dead?" And the little boy says, "Um... no ma'am." Tina says, "Is it mangled?" And well, it's about this time that another mom starts laughing... not sure why but it's infectious and the other mom starts laughing and well... before I realize it I'm sorta laughing too. The little boy cuts his eyes at the other two moms and then slowly cuts them at me... and looks back at Tina and says, "No. He's just sitting there." Tina asks if he's bloody - and that just causes us to laugh a little harder - and the boy looks at us again and says to Tina, "No, he's kinda greasy but not bloody." And you can see it on this kids face - he can't understand why she just doesn't get off the couch and come check on the cat... he can't understand why she's interrogating him instead.
So all this time we've been laughing our asses off, but yet still maintaining a certain sense of control... and Tina takes this moment to add, "Y'all, I've been hearing this funny eee-eee, eee-eee noise all day. I wondered what it was - I guess it was the damn cat!" We lost it - and next thing I know we're all laughing so much we're crying... and if I'd wanted to get up off that couch and go check on the cat I couldn't because I would have wet myself. And all this time the little boy is just standing there... waiting.... looking at us like we're lunatics and wondering when we were going to stop acting so darn stupid and get up and just come and take care of the cat, which Tina finally does after saying, "Y'all don't understand - I've already killed one cat myself! I wonder if I need to take the thing to vet?" She finally does go out - the cat is fine - and she takes it home but not after we've all spent fifteen minutes doing an ab work out by laughing so much! I swear the next day I was so sore!
It's a silly story, I know but y'all it was hilarious - my description does not do it justice. I'm sure it was one of those "you had to be there" moments but I had to share it... write it down if nothing more than to remind myself of these lighter moments. It took me a long time to recognize the potential friendships I had waiting for me... they sure are treasures.
Oh... and just so you (no not you) know...For you
I napped a little today, and read a little today, and watched a movie. Joshua did the dishes! Guess he figured he would atone for not showing for the church service - Jesus might not take it but I sure will (gee I sound sacrilegious today!). All in all it's been a wasted day, but hey, sometimes we need those...
We all know by now how much time Rebecca spends at the dance studio - don't we? I end up there too, waiting - and I do so mostly because the dance studio is in the next town and to drive her there and then drive home just to turn around and pick her up is an expensive deal. So I hang out and I read, or I chat with the other moms, or sometimes I doze... it's down time for me in a way... there is no television, no wireless access, it's down right primitive, but it also forces us to engage in those old timey activities like conversation and boy, do we come up with some good ones - we hear all the latest local gossip, we trade ideas and recipes, we laugh. Last week the funniest thing happened - and I'm not sure it will translate well into a blog entry but I'll give it a shot... I've been working on my Linus/Sally post and it's not quite ready yet so this is gonna have to do...
So last week there are four of us sitting on the couches in the lobby of the studio - doing what we do best - bitching. It's a rainy afternoon... fall is in full swing and while we're sitting in the lobby a boy comes in from outside, a brother to one of the dancers, and he walks up to Tina and he says, "Ms. Tina, do you have a cat?" Tina says, "Sure I do, several" (her daughter had rescued six kittens a few months ago from the side of the road and there are two of them left. A few went to new homes and a few met with an untimely demise). The little boy says, "Do you have a black and white cat?" Tina looks at him a little hesitantly and says, "Yes... I do... we call him Sylvester." He says, "Ms. Tina, there is a black and white cat under your car." Tina says, "Is he dead?" And the little boy says, "Um... no ma'am." Tina says, "Is it mangled?" And well, it's about this time that another mom starts laughing... not sure why but it's infectious and the other mom starts laughing and well... before I realize it I'm sorta laughing too. The little boy cuts his eyes at the other two moms and then slowly cuts them at me... and looks back at Tina and says, "No. He's just sitting there." Tina asks if he's bloody - and that just causes us to laugh a little harder - and the boy looks at us again and says to Tina, "No, he's kinda greasy but not bloody." And you can see it on this kids face - he can't understand why she just doesn't get off the couch and come check on the cat... he can't understand why she's interrogating him instead.
So all this time we've been laughing our asses off, but yet still maintaining a certain sense of control... and Tina takes this moment to add, "Y'all, I've been hearing this funny eee-eee, eee-eee noise all day. I wondered what it was - I guess it was the damn cat!" We lost it - and next thing I know we're all laughing so much we're crying... and if I'd wanted to get up off that couch and go check on the cat I couldn't because I would have wet myself. And all this time the little boy is just standing there... waiting.... looking at us like we're lunatics and wondering when we were going to stop acting so darn stupid and get up and just come and take care of the cat, which Tina finally does after saying, "Y'all don't understand - I've already killed one cat myself! I wonder if I need to take the thing to vet?" She finally does go out - the cat is fine - and she takes it home but not after we've all spent fifteen minutes doing an ab work out by laughing so much! I swear the next day I was so sore!
It's a silly story, I know but y'all it was hilarious - my description does not do it justice. I'm sure it was one of those "you had to be there" moments but I had to share it... write it down if nothing more than to remind myself of these lighter moments. It took me a long time to recognize the potential friendships I had waiting for me... they sure are treasures.
Oh... and just so you (no not you) know...For you
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
