WOOO HOOO!!!

At the risk of jinxing this whole thing I will make a bold declaration and say - I just mailed the last tuition check for son! If all goes well and he does what he's supposed to do, he'll graduate in May with a BS in Computer Science... hopefully he'll get a job and become a productive member of society and stop being a drain on my pocketbook - hey... a momma can dream - can't she?

Stay tuned... hopefully in May I can post pictures of the boy in a cap and gown - that is if I didn't jinx the whole thing with this post. Superstition anyone? AND if he graduates he'll do so without any debt... I was determined to make that happen... it was one of my goals and I'm pretty darn happy about being able to accomplish that... feels like a gift I've given him... one he's not quite grasped the enormity of yet - but that's ok... he will one day. Wow... feels like just one more chapter to go, the last chapter, which will be set on a Saturday morning in May on the coast of South Carolina on a (hopefully) bright, beautiful day. There will be smiles and tears and pride... so much pride I know I'll feel like I will burst... and then the book will be finished.

There will be more to come in his life- a whole new book to write... a job and a wedding and buying a house and children and more, so much more - but those will be accomplishments he achieves separate from me... pages to fill with his own dreams and hopes and joys and tears - the way it's all supposed to be. His graduation - now that is the ending to a tale started once upon a time... a story of love set in motion on a hot May day almost 22 years ago... a day when a perfect little blue eyed, red headed baby boy slipped quietly into my life and changed me forever.

Long Gone

A funny new phenomenon this year has been an assertion by some folks, including my father, that my ex will one day come crawling back professing what a mistake he made... begging forgiveness... ingratiating himself to me once again... looking to recapture what he lost. I (personally) don't see it happening. For all my ex does not know about me there is one thing he does... once I'm done with something, I'm done. It may take me a long time to give up on something... on someone... it may be a slow, deliberate process but once I've made up my mind that's it... I'm over it. I may revisit it on occasion in the clandestine recesses of my mind but I won't ever tell you that... you'll never know.

Maybe that's a bad thing... a bad way to be... I'm not really sure. Maybe it has something to do with pride... I'll be the first to admit I have a tad of a prideful streak (and those of you out there who think you know me just hush, I can hear you laughing). But honestly I don't think that's it... I think it's more that I learn... I think I turn over every leaf... every stone... explore every corner and nook and cranny to find the answer... find the solution... and sometimes I discover it's just not there... sometimes there is no rhyme or reason... and so, sometimes, the only course of action is to let it go. I think that's what I do... let go. I don't just coldly and callously turn my back on someone who needs me... but there are people in this life you just can't continue to emotionally invest in... people you can't continue to waste valuable energy trying to reach.

It's painful to let go... and often times as I let the remnants of what was slip through my fingers I wonder if I'm making some mistake, wonder if I'm being too capricious... which always, always messes with my head - sets me back. But I guess my point is I never ever come to this place on a whim... it's not the result of a laundry list of wrong doings or misdeeds... I don't keep score. But there comes a point, a place of awareness, when I realize it's me or them... it's my sanity or their games... and it becomes a matter of saving myself. I think that's what my ex understood about me... that regardless of everything else I am a survivor - and I think he recognized that in me before I did in myself.

Long Gone...

"Props" to Me

Today I worked at church. It's a pretty good little job and I enjoy it immensely. The secretary substitute thing started a few years ago after I taught the secretary how to use Microsoft Publisher. She had previously used Word do to the weekly newsletter and the Sunday bulletin but, of course, found it to be rather "unforgiving" when it came to placing things and I suggested using Publisher. She said she wanted to but really wasn't too sure about all the ins and outs and asked if I would show her, so one day I did and she never looked back! It was about that time the church session voted to pay an official "sub" for her when she had to be out - someone who could come in and work on the bulletin and newsletter and they asked me. I was flattered - still am - that they trust me, trust my abilities, and prefer having me there to most others... it's a nice atmosphere to work in... I feel quite competent when I'm there.

I worked on the newsletter until about 1:30 and then another lady came in to answer the phones for the afternoon. We chatted for a little while and she, as I've discovered most people tend to do, grew bolder and asked me about the divorce... more specifically about the kids and how much they saw their dad. I answered her... I'm not afraid to give honest, straightforward answers to the questions people ask me. It seems that most people seem to "get" the fact the ex is not well... that there is an underlying mental illness that has played some part in the choices he's made and therefore the demise of our marriage. We talked more... she complimented me on the kids and how well they seem to be doing... she commented on how strong I must be, she said I was a tried and true "steel magnolia" - but in truth I don't really see it like that. I simply did what I had to do... I simply knew I had no other choice but to pick myself up and forge ahead... if I didn't do it no one else was going to... it wasn't all about me... it was about the kids - and while I could have very easily laid down and given up I knew if I did I condemned them to giving up too... I couldn't do that.

It's nice to hear compliments - affirmations from the outside for all the work I've done on the inside. It's a constant reminder of how far I've come... how I've left behind the bitter unhappy woman of a few years ago and how I don't want to ever go back to being her again. There is really still so very much left to do though. This year has felt like a year of "maintenance" for me - a year of holding my own after all the growth of the previous few years. At some point I'll need to pick up again and inch ever closer to being that person I truly want to be... I pray I have the stamina to do it. So props to me I guess... I've come this far... I can go farther still - yes? We'll see!

Christmas Music

Merry Christmas one and all... I hope the next few days are full of love and joy, peace and hope and my Christmas wish is we all keep that feeling - that state of mind - thoughout the coming year!

I was taking a shower and singing Christmas tunes... here are a few of my secular favorites...

Last Christmas - cheesy I know but hey, sometimes ya gotta love cheese!

All I Want For Christmas - I posted this one before but hey - I like it... it's my blog... ya get the drift.

White Christmas - I actually got to see some snow this year - what a thrill walking down 5th Avenue while the snow came down... the lights of the city... all the people... that's the most "Christmas" I've felt in a lot of years

Mele Kalikimaka - Christmas Vacation anyone?

Please Come Home For Christmas - my mom's all time favorite - makes me think of her.

So there you have it - I'm off... enjoy the day!

Edited to add this one... Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas One and All

But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart.

Luke 2:19

I've written about this verse before - and of course it's that time of year when that verse is often quoted... I was reminded of it again this weekend during our New York trip. Watching my daughter experience her first plane ride... watching her awe of the city... watching her marvel over the Lion King and the Rockettes... watching her face light up when the snow started falling on her as we walked the streets... it all gave me things to treasure and ponder in my heart.

The trip started out miserably - we missed our flight... we were there for the flight, all be it a little later than I would have normally been there... the fog was horrible that morning and made driving slower.... but we were there in time. We got shuffled into a line that was supposed to speed us along but what ended up happening is the line stalled... just stopped, and we ended up standing there - with three other of our traveling companions for 25 minutes - we were 4th in line. The other lines kept moving but we didn't - and then before we knew it we had missed the 30 minute window... and were told we couldn't continue to our flight, in essence we were screwed - we then spent the next few hours trying to get some help form the airline to get us on another flight. The weather got bad and they began limiting how many people they would put on a flight. We finally boarded a plane at 8:30... sat on the runway for another hour and then arrived in NY at 11:30. Oh... and we had no luggage the whole weekend. So it was eventful to say the least. We managed it though... and in truth did very well - daughter did very well. She had one tiny little meltdown and cried a little but she composed herself and kept moving. We met some really nice folks while there and while some of the airline workers were rude and incompetent we met some other wonderful people willing to help us and make it work. It was definitely an experience and I think it taught both her and me that we can do most anything.

So tomorrow is Christmas Eve... I have a few more gifts to wrap... all my baking is done... and perhaps I'll get some nice, restful sleep before tomorrow morning. We will eat a nice prime rib dinner with my parents and my brother and his family - watch the kids open gifts, laugh a little and enjoy the day. If time allows the kids and I may go to Christmas Eve service and then home for the evening. I'm not doing the whole "Santa" thing this year. Neither of the kids really is excited about it - they have gifts, all wrapped and under the tree and then I'll have there stockings as their big surprises. The NYC trip was really daughter's big gift this year... and she's fine with that. Christmas morning we'll go over to the (ex) in laws for a brunch.

I hope all my lovely, loyal readers and friends have a wonderful holiday! I am truly blessed to have some great people in my life...

NYC

Sunday of Love

This is the third Sunday in Advent - the Sunday of Love. I've written about love before - written about my cynicism and doubt... and I have a feeling what I'm about to write will be in contrast to that... this is probably a momentary glitch in my typical negative Nelly approach to love and if you try to point this out to me later I will deny it - and if you point to this blog and say, "See - you wrote this" then I will feign ignorance and concoct some sort of plausible deniability - aliens took over my body and wrote it, it wasn't me.... or... it was the cold meds....

I wrote about one music box I had when I was little - the one that plays Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head... well I had another... it was round and it had the little Peanuts characters on the top and it played What the World Needs Now Is Love Sweet Love. There is a line in the song about how we need love not just for some but for everyone... and I like that idea - don't think it's truly what happens... it's a nice thought though. But I do think love is what makes living life worthwhile... I think love adds the flavor and texture to an otherwise dull and listless existence. I don't just mean romantic love - there are all types of love and I think each of them is crucial. I love my children, I love my family, I love my friends. I love a chai latte from Starbucks and the sound of rain on the roof. I love the sight of snow blanketing the lawn on a silent early morning and the sting of the sun on a hot afternoon at the beach. Love can be found anywhere and in anything if we keep ourselves open and aware.

Loving one's self is the key - the seed. It grows... blooms... flourishes... and it leaves a mark on every single thing we touch. Being kind to ourselves makes it possible to be kind to others. Being patient with ourselves makes it possible to be patient with others. Loving ourselves makes it possible to love others. It just doesn't work otherwise. If the seed we plant is something other than love then all we do, all we attempt, is blackened and distorted. It's an exhausting garden to tend... it feels like a chore.

Love shouldn't be a chore - it should be effortless... simple. Yeah yeah yeah I know... loving someone takes work... it does... I'm not saying it doesn't I'm just saying it should be enjoyable work - work with a purpose... a higher purpose. I look at my children and I see the higher purpose in loving them. They are gifts... gifts from God - entrusted to me for this time here, my job being their health and welfare... to help them grow into loving people. I work to give them the tools they need, show them how to use those tools and then let them go. I plant the seed of love in them... show them how to nurture it for themselves and hopefully they will spread that love to others.

I think love is crucial in this life... I think it's the whole point. I think when we find love - love born of that seed inside of us - we have to nurture it, embrace it, appreciate it as a beautiful thing - a sunflower growing wild and large and colorful. People say love is complicated and life is messy. Perhaps. I just can't shake this feeling that it's not supposed to be. Yeah things happen in life that aren't pleasant - and we have decisions to make everyday - some pleasurable and some not... but I think loving someone transcends all that... and I think when you can find a love - a hand that you can hold - then it's imperative to keep it close to your heart.

And remember, I reserve the right to deny I said all this...

Sunday of Peace

It's the Sunday of Peace - two candles lit on the advent wreath... two Sundays closer to the end of waiting - ever closer to the blessing of Christ. It's a constant renewal... a yearly privilege to reflect on the darkness, the loneliness, the isolation. The hard part is to remember this early reflection as a privilege... to remember there is a promise of light... a promise of a blessing. It's there... I've seen it, but only fleeting glimpses... just enough to keep me waiting, anticipating longer. I remind myself that the time of deliverance isn't known...

The challenge becomes staying focused - an awfully hard thing to do when you're in the grips of the dark desolation of night. I pray for hope - a constant replenishment. I pray for peace - a soft settling of the soul. I sob in the shower and then chastise myself for my weakness and shortsightedness - for my lack of faith. I wonder - wonder if that's why... wonder if the struggle is because I question... wonder if the darkness and pain are because I doubt. Is this what keeps me in the dark, prevents me from walking into the light?

I don't know the answers... I don't know that right things to do. I used to think, when my ex was so ill and drifting farther and farther away - that if I could just find the right "formula," the right sequence of words, some magic incantation to say - that if I could just figure it all out then it would be ok... and the truth was I was looking for the impossible... something that didn't exist... because I had no control over any of it... and I have very little control over any of this now. It is all just what it is....

But I keep searching. And I keep wondering. And I wish I knew how to lay it all down and leave it there. I'm so tired of losing things in my life - losing people. There is a line in a song that says how many times can I break til I shatter... and I wonder that... wonder how many more times. I just want peace. I pray for peace... and I wait. I don't know what else to do.

Christmas Yet To Come

"'I am in the presence of the Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come?' said Scrooge.

The Spirit answered not, but pointed downward with its hand.

'You are about to show me shadows of the things that have not happened, but will happen in the time before us,' Scrooge pursued. 'Is that so, Spirit?'

The upper portion of the garment was contracted for an instant in its folds, as if the Spirit had inclined its head. That was the only answer he received.

Although well used to ghostly company by this time, Scrooge feared the silent shape so much that his legs trembled beneath him, and he found that he could hardly stand when he prepared to follow it. The Spirit pauses a moment, as observing his condition, and giving him time to recover.

But Scrooge was all the worse for this. It thrilled him with a vague uncertain horror, to know that behind the dusky shroud there were ghostly eyes intently fixed upon him, while he, though he stretched his own to the utmost, could see nothing but a spectral hand and one great heap of black.

'Ghost of the Future!' he exclaimed, 'I fear you more than any spectre I have seen. But as I know your purpose is to do me good, and as I hope to live to be another man from what I was, I am prepared to bear you company, and do it with a thankful heart. Will you not speak to me?'

It gave him no reply. The hand was pointed straight before them.

'Lead on,' said Scrooge. 'Lead on. The night is waning fast, and it is precious time to me, I know. Lead on, Spirit.'"

Christmas Present

“'Come in!' exclaimed the Ghost. 'Come in! and know me better.'

Scrooge entered timidly, and hung his head before this Spirit. He was not the dogged Scrooge he had been; and though the Spirit’s eyes were clear and kind, he did not like to meet them.

'I am the Ghost of Christmas Present,' said the Spirit. 'Look upon me!'”

Parade Saturday and the 2008 Christmas Tree

Christmas Past

"'Are you the Spirit, sir, whose coming was foretold to me.' asked Scrooge.

'I am.'

The voice was soft and gentle. Singularly low, as if instead of being so close beside him, it were at a distance.

'Who, and what are you.' Scrooge demanded.

'I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.'

'Long Past?' inquired Scrooge: observant of its dwarfish stature.

'No. Your past.'"

Last December - Carol of the Bells

Wishes...

All I Want For Christmas Is You