hot, Hot, HOT

It was 101 today (and yes that's Fahrenheit). But really it's been 101 give or take a degree for the last week or so - or perhaps longer - I've lost track. All I know is it's hot - very hot. Ok, fine, that's not so unusual for South Carolina but it just seem sorta early for the triple digits. The air conditioner seems to run continuously and walking out the door takes one's breath away. I wish we had a pool. June is quickly coming to an end and we don't go to the beach until August. Whatever am I to do? Nothing... that's what. lol!

I've not been blogging much lately - seems almost pointless. I have stuff to blog about but it sorta just all falls flat - like I'm whining - and we all know how fruitless that is for me. I asked the therapist last time I was there to answer a question for me - to tell me how it is that so many women who are difficult and unpleasant to live with have men who seem hellbent on making sure it all works - no matter how much they get shit on while doing it. She said she already had the answer but I'd have to wait to hear it until I came back in July. I'm looking forward to hearing the reasoning since my brother seems to be the latest to fall into that category. Apparently I butted into their conversation while at my mom's house last Sunday - the three of us are standing in the kitchen and he got more bbq meat and she made a comment to him about having had enough and it's time to quit eating and I said something about it being good stuff (from Henry's of course) and because I said that I was sticking up for him and butting in. Go figure. The whole situation is more complicated than that... they've been having problems for a while now... but I guess sister in law is using my comment and the fact she believes my mom served everyone a drink but her as an excuse to not come to my folk's house for a while. Okie dokie.

So yes, I'm curious to hear what the therapist's views are on this subject. Nothing I ever did close to pouting or being angry or pitiful ever worked - ever got a reaction. I got ignored or told I was being childish. I learned not to do it because it was a waste of energy and emotion. I learned not to do a lot because it was a waste of energy and emotion. I shut down, shut myself off, far less painful than continuously opening myself up just to get ignored or rejected. Is there anything more painful than rejection?

I've been feeling like I'm dwelling on that a lot lately. But it's hard not to do though. When you walk out into the world with a screwed up history in relationships and (supposedly) (hopefully) armed with a new set of coping skills you never are sure what's going to happen. You're anxious to try it all out - see if you can forge a new way of relating... but it's not that easy and it all leaves you frustrated. I still can't shake this idea, this feeling, that I'll always be alone. It's just not in the cards.

And then, speaking of f-ed up relationships, I've not blogged about the ex's reaction to the engagement. He was pretty much the last family member to know. Not my decision. He seemed reserved and if I read the reaction correctly I think he was hurt because of this. If he's anything he's not stupid and he knew he was left out. But Joshua said he had no reason to call him before hand, no desire to consult him, ask for his opinion or advice. The ex hung around for a grand total of no more than 15 minutes to hear the story of the proposal and then he cut out - left us there with his parents where we visited for about two hours. He continues to perpetuate the dysfunction... poor fella - he works daily to reinforce this whole "I'm just a piece of shit" excuse and then slinks out the back door. Whatever gets him off. He's two people if you want to know the truth. He's the poor fella, piece of shit, no good asshole who can't seem to get any of it right and then he's the unique, special, better than everyone else guy who can't catch a break. He's both these and he believes he's both - there is no mistaking that. That's why no matter what Joshua chose to do about the engagement or chooses to do about the wedding he can't please him so he shouldn't even try. The ex really doesn't want the responsibility but he's not going to admit it - so he'll use it to garner some sympathy in the meantime. pecker head.

And so there you have it - a post that's neither coherent nor cohesive. What do you expect from a chick with a sunfired brain? Too bad the body doesn't have a little of the sun kissed look, eh?

The Proposal

My son is now an engaged man. He proposed to Holly on Saturday night in front of all of us at her birthday party. There were many tears and hugs. It was a wonderfully sweet moment and I continue to be amazed at the many ways Joshua's mind works. He can be so romantic and thoughtful. Holly had opened all her gifts and he walked over to her and asked, "What did you wish for when you blew out your candles?" And, after a moment of hesitation and confusion, she said, "That you'd ask me to marry you." He then said, "Well, I have a question to ask you then." And he pulled out the ring and got down on one knee and asked her. She was completely surprised, as is evident in the picture. I am incredibly happy for them - I hope they can hold onto the memory of this moment. It will sustain them in the future as they face the many challenges that lie ahead. It makes me think too, how often in this life does someone get to make a wish when blowing out birthday candles - and have the wish so completely come true.

I'm feeling many things right now... to expound on them at the moment, however, isn't what I need to do. I will save that all for later. For now, right now, it's time to just be grateful for the moment, and the fullness in my heart. My son is man, such a good man, and I could not be more proud of who he is. Someone made a comment when seeing this picture that he looks so happy - and he does. He so very much does.

Stress and an Impending Birthday - Unrelated

So far this week has been better than the last. It was a rough one I will admit - court, visits, training, a meeting in Columbia. This week we still have training and court but, for me, it's less stress. I notice I handle stress differently now than I used to - growth I guess? It exhausts me but it doesn't make me irritable. I seem to be able to recharge easier too. A good nights sleep and a well balanced meal and I bounce back quickly. Thank you Lord!

It's been hot as hades here and the heat can sure be draining. A nice in ground pool would be awesome! A week at the beach would be even better! We don't go until the second week of August, sigh.... Next week I reach the grand ol' milestone of 44 - yeah. Today I received a birthday card from the ladies at the state office. It really made me smile, a half dozen well wishes from ladies I see a few times a year- funny how something so simple can do that to you. I went shopping with my mom on Sunday to buy Holly's birthday presents and mom had me pick out a few things I wanted. She said dad didn't just want to give me money because they always just give me money. I told her money works for me but she sorta laughed and said they knew I didn't really spend the money on me... guess they've got my number, eh? So she "talked" me into picking out a Vera Bradley handbag in a new pattern and I "talked" her into buying me a checkbook cover in the same pattern so they'd match. I'd like to have a few other pieces too - well all the travel pieces - but it gets expensive ya know? The laptop case would be nice to have but I already have one in a different pattern and hey, why do I need a second one just so all my pieces match? Mom also bought me a pair of earrings and a new toe ring. Cute huh?

This weekend we will all be with Holly's family on Saturday to celebrate her birthday and Sunday we are going to my folks to celebrate my birthday and Holly's and to say happy Father's Day. Then perhaps we will stop by the in laws to wish father in law well and say hello to the ex (I just threw up a little). As easy as it would be to ignore him I suppose that wouldn't be very nice. I'm sorta struggling with what to give as little gifts for all the fathers... I'm at a loss. Any ideas? I may just get my dad some golf balls because he plays several times a week and they come in handy. I can find the father in law something at Williams Sonoma but the ex... sheesh. His birthday was this past weekend too, so we used up our idea on that one. Again, any ideas?

I find myself half looking forward to my birthday... that's a change from years past. One more little piece falling into place I suppose. We'll see how it goes :-)

What Needs to Be Done?

This is one of the pictures from the portrait session I had done of the kids. I was very, very pleased with all the pics. Most are in frames now except this one. Once I hang the big one I will take a picture of the picture, until then this is what we've got...

good lookin' kids if I do say so myself. I'm so proud... sniff, sniff...

I am in the process of making a list... a to do list - because, well, I've got things I need to do. I really need to organize my clothes. I need to make sure I know what I have in the way of professional dress and what I still need. I have no idea what I need but if I have it laid out I can get a better grasp on it. Tonight I found myself in Belk and I bought a skirt and shirt and a dress. The dress was a steal at $14.oo - marked down from $58.00. It's just a cotton dress but it will be good for work on a non-court day. I need to looked polished and during the summer I really don't want to wear long pants. hot.

I also need to paint my living room. I've been meaning to do it for a good long while now - several years in fact - and I really shouldn't put it off anymore. I now have money to buy the paint and in a few weeks Joshua and Holly will be out of state on vacation and I can ship Rebecca out to my folks - then I'd have all the free space and quiet to paint in, I sure like that idea :-). I need to look at paint samples. I have a color in mind - and eventually want to get a new sofa. Both will make a dramatic difference in the space. I feel some pressure to do this now because I have that great new portrait collage of the kids to hang.

And I'm sure there is more - I know there is but I will start with those two things... and we'll see how I do. I will post updates :-)

The Game of Life

Wouldn't ya know, I get a boost in my pay check and the motor on the air conditioner goes out. There goes this months increase! Oh well, at least it's there to cover it right? I just hope it's truly fixed... I always wonder, especially after all the trouble we had getting the heating unit fixed in December. Sheesh. At the moment conditions feel comfortable, so we'll see. Fingers crossed :-)

Today was a weird day - not sure why really. The day after a holiday? Coming back from a trip? I don't know to be honest. Tomorrow Rebecca has a dentist appointment so I'll take my lunch time to grab her and take her there, get her teeth cleaned, pay for it (the part insurance doesn't cover), and run her home. Fun stuff, good times. Today after work I ran to the store and picked up a few things for the week grocery wise. I just feel like it's a non stop marathon sometimes - here, there, yonder - anywhere and everywhere. I enjoyed the weekend but it was constant movement - I'd like a lazy weekend: one where I can sleep late and have a leisurely breakfast, a walk, a snuggle, a really great meal with lots of conversation and good wine. Who am I kidding though?

I was at the Walmart today (and yes, I know I put "the" there, that's how we refer to it around this house, either that or Wally World) and I was buying some ant killer because it's rained a lot and the ants migrate when it does - and for some reason they migrate to the air conditioning unit... so I was getting the ant killer and looking at some solar lights to put outside around the garden area in front of the driveway. It's something I've been contemplating... I can't decide though how much I want to invest in them... so I've been holding off. For some reason it made me sad... standing there looking at them. It sounds silly I know, but I had this moment where I wasn't standing there alone, I had this mini little daydream I guess, and I was discussing the choices with some unknown partner. I guess it's just that I do so much stuff alone, make so many decisions and choices on my own that every now and again I get this flash of what it would be like to not do it all alone... and it's funny that it's not about big stuff, like fixing the air conditioner. It's about all the little things, like solar lights. That seems so sad, and sorta pathetic, really - don't you think?

For some reason, at least for right now and who knows, perhaps for the rest of my days on this earth, I'm meant to travel this journey alone. Yes, I realize I'm not completely alone... I have the kids and I have my family but it's not the same. I don't take any of the other for granted - a huge step forward for me... at one time my loneliness did cloud my vision and kept me from enjoying the here and now. It doesn't anymore and I can truly say that if my life remains the way it is now I will go to my grave feeling like I did accomplish something in this life. I don't live life waiting - but that doesn't negate the desire to share life with someone else... I just have to make sure I put it all in perspective, for whatever that's worth.

I started going back to therapy because, as I told her, I was living too much in my own head and I knew that was a problem. I've made progress with that I think, although sometimes I think part of that is just exhaustion from working and parenting lol! There has been a definite shift in my fear factor though, before I was afraid I'd be alone and now I'm afraid all I'll ever be comfortable with is being alone. I used to be afraid of never hearing "I love you" and now I'm afraid I will never be able to say it. Can one become so secure in the silence that opening up becomes more of a burden than a blessing? That's my fear now... the therapist says I'm wired to be in a relationship... but can I become rewired? And does the longer I live like this guarantee I'll stay like this because I won't be able to wrap my mind and heart around anything else? That's funny I think... if someone were to "save" me it wouldn't a matter of saving me from the world... it would be saving me from myself - from being too independent, too self sufficient, too cold and closed.

That's not how it works though... it's just not how it works... and that, I would guess is the mantra of a resigned romantic.