OMG! 2010 Here We Come!

Happy New Year!

I am, with this happy little post, reaching my goal of posting something every single day of December 2009. Everyday, people! Do you realize what that means? Yes, yes, yes, I know... it's been some boring crap thrown out there for the world to see if the world has so chosen but hey, what did you expect from me? Brilliance? HA! Don't think so... not here. Sorry.

I've been feeling so strange lately and I'm not sure what it means really. I feel great - I really do. Everything here has fallen into place. The kids are doing well - really well... the job is going really well (as a matter of fact I got a call today asking me if I'd like to add 7.5 hours to my week and become full time). I have some money in the bank and the ability to add more to that now, and I'm contemplating adding some more to my plate with school (probably in the summer). I'm stronger and actually feeling downright sassy! This is the place I told myself I'd get to eventually - this is the place that kept me going during all those dark, cold nights when I wondered if it would ever get better. This is it! I've realized a lot of stuff too... I've realized that reaching this place doesn't mean life is magically a place of lollipops and roses - hard stuff still happens, crappy things pop up - but I'm not so afraid to deal with it anymore and I don't see any of it as curse for some horrible sin I committed. I've figured out a way to do it - deal - overcome - adapt.

I feel funny, strange, odd, because while I feel so great, so wonderful I still feel like I'm missing something - someone. I'm ok with it though. I accept it for what it is, I still long for it, but it doesn't hurt like it used to... I don't feel hollow. Now we all realize this can change, but it's been this way for a little while now... so perhaps this is normality...? Does this mean I'm a whole person now? If so, I must say, I like it!

And so... I wish you all a very Happy New Year! I hope for us all that questions will be answered, friendships fostered, love realized, and families will flourish. I pray that God's plan will continue to manifest itself in our lives. Here's to 2010 - may this be the year for wonderful things, whatever they may be!

Second to Last

I'm having a really hard time finding music to put on my iPod. That's silly - I love music, I listen to all kinds of music, and I just can't find stuff I want to buy. It's crazy! Another problem I have is music is so tied to feelings for me, as I'm sure it is for lots of people - sometimes I listen to a song and it brings back memories. Oh, not that all memories are bad ones, just that sometimes they are waaaaaaaaaaay too bittersweet for me and it really affects my attitude. I know to avoid some stuff sometimes and I do ok... sometimes when I'm alone, when I can afford to let myself feel stuff, I'll listen to certain music. Don't get me wrong, it's not necessarily bad stuff... sad stuff... sometimes it's wistful stuff... dreamy stuff.

I'm realizing as I write this just how much of myself I don't share. Maybe I share it here to a certain degree, but still... I think there are a few things about myself I don't. It's not that I hide it really, it's just that I guess I feel like it's something very intimate, part of me to save for that one particular person. I just might be kidding myself though. I've said it before, I lay it all out there, it's just that some folks don't pick it up. Most folks probably.

Nothing about that confession solves my problem... my music problem. I have currently on my iPod: Norah Jones and Lady Antebellum, Darius Rucker and Michael Buble, Lifehouse, John Meyer, Daughtry, Corey Smith, Keith Urban, Rob Thomas and Train. I'm going to add some Kelly Clarkson (music we already had) and a few other songs I think Rebecca has on her computer but I'm lost on the rest of it... any ideas? I know I ask sometimes for feedback here but I don't really get it and that's ok... at moments like this I could use some inspiration and I don't have it... gee, is an iPod supposed to be this complicated? I don't have trouble working the darn thing, just picking music... sheesh, I'm backwards.

Here's one of my songs but... I can't find the dang video that goes with it - kinda pisses me off 'cause it's cute. Oh well... Soul Sister... I'll probably look for it tomorrow and there it will be! It's catchy - don't ya think?

25 Things

The time is drawing nigh and I'm thinking, as I'm so so close to finishing this month long daily entry challenge, that I might just bail on the whole idea - what a quitter I sound like! I need an idea! An idea would make it so much easier - someone, please, just tell me what to write! I actually googled "blog post ideas" and I'm seeing some good ideas... hmmmm... let's see...

25 Random Things About Me (can I do it?)

1. I love cooked chocolate pudding and would prefer to eat it slightly warm.
2. I can't stand for pictures hanging on the wall to be crooked.
3. I buy all my makeup from Clinique except my mascara - that's always Loreal.
4. I keep a certain balance in my checkbook and if it falls below that amount it bothers me.
5. I like to watch Jeopardy.
6. My dad picked out my first name, my mom came up with my middle name.
7. I love sunflowers.
8. Melted cheese makes me happy.
9. I miss wearing a wedding ring.
10. I watch Morning Joe while I get ready for work.
11. I think South Park and Family Guy can be pretty funny sometimes.
12. I can't stand to go to bed with makeup still on my face.
13. I'm a pretty good cook.
14. I'm the oldest of two children - I'm three years older than my brother.
15. I don't have a gallbladder.
16. I've never seen a Star Wars movie from start to finish.
17. I like to travel.
18. Even though I'm the only one who sleeps in this queen size bed I still sleep on just one side.
19. I rarely have trouble falling asleep.
20. I've been tubing down the Guadalupe River.
21. I will read just about anything.
22. I read my horoscope every day.
23. I have the same thought first thing every morning.
24. I don't photograph well.
25. I'm actually very introverted.

Piggie

I have eaten way too much the last two weeks and I can definitely feel it - I'm puffy and bloated and out of sorts. The funny thing is though I've not eaten all that much - just more than I'm used to eating. If I'm being honest I just finished off the last two sugar cookies Rebecca and I made last week. I need to go take my vitamin and my fish oil capsule... but I've already washed my face and crawled in the bed... oh hold on... ok, done.

I'm feeling pretty all alone tonight - I guess it's the fact I've not had a whole lot to do today. I did take the trash to the dump and go to the store. We needed cat food and dog food and a few nights worth of people food. I then paid the gas bill and cooked dinner and then did the dishes. Good for me! I'm now snuggled all safe in the bed contemplating sleep... the third Pirate movie is on and I will confess I do enjoy them. I took Rebecca to see Avatar the other night - not a bad movie - very different than anything I've ever seen. We did see it in 3D and, in my humble opinion, if something comes out in 3D it's probably better to spend the extra few dollars and see it that way... it definitely adds to the experience. I had no idea what the movie would be about but it was entertaining. Rebecca loved it, if that's any recommendation.

I've been so busy and it's been a good busy - at least for me... I've been happy and content to be running around and doing so many different things and now, well, it's come to a halt and the solitude has set in... I'm trying to deal with it and work through it and I know that eventually it will all right itself. I've been telling myself that for quite a while now. Life is better, so much better, but I'm still lonely and that's not going to get fixed overnight.

Sleep is a good idea. Hopefully the wine I had with dinner will facilitate slumber. Off to work in the morning - I hope there is enough going on to keep me busy. It's slow at the moment, which is good, very good. Three days of work and another long weekend! I could get used to this!

Four More!

This is a picture taken during last week's service at church. The lovely young lady portraying Mary is our very own Rebecca. She was wonderful! Our church is very old and very beautiful and can really be an inspirational place to worship. I just thought I'd share :-)

The new year is fast approaching and I've almost completed the challenge I made to myself to post something everyday in the month of December. It's been a good exercise but not one I'm thinking I will attempt to repeat. I like writing when the mood strikes me - when I really feel like I have a complete thought. I've not felt like that while posting everyday. Plus, the busy nature of the season has made it more difficult for me to collect my thoughts and process them into an entry about which I can feel good. I still have four more posts to deliver though - whew... can I do it?

I'm sitting in the living room - Rebecca and I are on our respective laptops, Joshua and Holly are out making merry with her family. The Music City Bowl is on the television and we're calmly watching to see who will be victorious. I will refrain from comment on our choice. I can smell the tree behind me. I don't look forward to the day I find it more practical to have a fake tree. I hope that's many years from now. I guess one day this week I will take some time to remove the ornaments and pack them away... the putting up is always so much more fun than the putting away. It would be nice to have someone to share that chore with, heaven knows the kids don't like to do it... and so I do it... my lonely little endeavor. Waaaaah...

But hey, that's the crux of what I've been missing my whole life, if ya wanna know the truth. Please don't jump to conclusions here, I'm not saying that I think everything, like taking down a Christmas tree, needs to be couple's activity... it doesn't. I'm just saying it would be nice to have some mundane chores to do together - that everything not fall on one person... and the sad truth of the matter is it all does fall on me, as it did during my marriage. That's a big part of what made my marriage so lonely. Today, now as a single woman, it makes sense... then, it didn't. Still doesn't mean I don't get lonely and miss the companionship of someone else. It's a lovely idea - companionship...

I'm blessed to have tomorrow off... seems sorta induglent. That's a state job for ya though, hehe. I look forward to saving some of my annual leave and taking more time next year... we'll see how it goes though. Night y'all!

Day After

Another Christmas has come and gone... and as I've said this year has been a good one, a departure from the disconnect I've felt in the past... is this the natural progression that follows a divorce?

I think Rebecca and I will brave the world and run to the big city this evening and see a movie. My dad gave me $50 as a Christmas gift and I can't think of a nicer way to spend it than to take my favorite girl out for some fun. I made a resolution at the beginning of the year to see more movies and it's something I've actually followed through on - imagine that?!?

I have a headache and I've taken something and I'm waiting for it to subside. We've been eating leftovers and I'm feeling a tad bit stuffed. It doesn't help my female "gift" decided to arrive at the same time Christmas did so I've got that puffiness to content with too - oh joy! It will not stop me from enjoying popcorn tonight at the movie though! The first of the year is coming and I can always take the Special K Challenge - woot!

I have something that's been on my mind, something I've been mulling around: when does stubbornness get in the way of happiness? What is self preservation and what is pride? I don't ever want to be in the position I was in with my ex - before he was my ex - when I ate all the lies and tolerated all the neglect... I was loyal and kind and caring and way more understanding than I should have been. Was I perfect? No. But the truth is I was way more conciliatory and meek than my personality would suggest. Now I've freed myself from it, now I deal with the aftermath - so am I overreacting? Am I protecting myself more than necessary? I don't think so, I don't know... something to discuss with the therapist I suppose -

Enjoy the weekend.... I'll let ya know about the movie :-)

Merry Christmas

I hope all is well in whatever part of the world someone might be reading this in... the day went well here - lots of gifts, the kids all very happy with their treasures, both great and small. As I sit now Rebecca is in the chair next to me on her laptop and we've both been playing with our iPods - her old one and my shiny new one. It was my gift from the kids because they decided I needed one. Very sweet. It's emerald green and very cool. Now that I can put music on it I can't think of what songs I like... silly I know... but that's me.

The time spent at the inlaws was nice. Ex drank a lot of wine and asked a few small talk questions that I answered and other than that I spent more time talking to my father in law. As we left father in law thanked me for the gifts and said the best gift of all was having me there. It was a nice thing to say. Ex left at some point during the visit - I guess he had told Rebecca goodbye - I was unaware of his departure. Rebecca told me during the drive home that when they visit that's pretty much how it goes - he sits in the living room while they all visit in the dining room or he comes in and out of the house while they are there. He doesn't interact anymore when I'm not there than he did when I was there. It's sad really and I feel bad for him - I truly do - he misses out on all the great things that I get to see and participate in with the kids.

This is the first year I don't feel overwhelming sadness for what I lost. I feel, instead, a deep abiding gratitude for my children, my job, my hard work both personally and professionally, and this sense of peace I've been able to carve out for myself. I still have moments - I won't lie - but overall I'm very grateful to be as blessed as I am. Thank you Lord - for bringing me out of the darkness and restoring some light to my life. Thank you Lord - for giving me the blessing of two beautiful lives to enrich my soul and fill my heart. Thank you Lord - for the opportunity to do something meaningful and worthwhile in this life. Thank you Lord - for giving me friends and colleagues who teach me something everyday, who give me laughter and support, kindness and love. Thank you Lord - for all this and more - and I pray for continued happiness and peace for all those I love. Amen.

Christmas Eve

Fly in My Ointment

It's the eve before Christmas Eve and all is well. I have presents wrapped and I've made the peanut butter candies my mom asked me to make. They are from my grandmother's recipe and mom says she can't make them, but I'm not so sure I believe that. I have cookie dough in the fridge chilling and we'll attempt to make some sugar cookies to decorade in a little while. I will make the sweet potato casserole in the morning and I'm not sure when I'll do the mac and cheese for Friday... I've got to figure that one out. But all in all I've got it all under control.

I did have a moment earlier that sorta just hit me wrong. I called my mom to make sure we were all set for tomorrow. We had talked earlier in the month about the fact my brother is working until noon tomorrow and Joshua has to work until 3:30. We had said that dinner around 5 would work. So in talking to mom today she said my brother would be there around 2, and then she added - we can have everything ready and eat then. (Wait - whoa.... um... ) I reminded her that Joshua won't be there until 5 and she said - we'll make him a plate and he can eat when he gets here. No... no... that's not right. I asked if we couldn't just eat at 5 like we'd discussed earlier and she said yeah she guessed so although she didn't seem to be too happy about it. I'll be honest - I don't get it.

This is Joshua's Christmas just as much as it's anyone elses. He shouldn't be excluded from any part of it. Mom may not have meant it the way it came out but to me she seemed to place the priority on my brother's arrival and ignored the fact Joshua was working later. I'm not going to let it bother me... just thought I'd lay it out so I can let it go. Can you tell I wasn't the favorite? lol...

Words

One summer, about 16 years ago, the in laws rented a house in Atlantic Beach. The drive took a while and we took two cars. My ex rode with his mom and Joshua and I rode with my father in law. Joshua, six at the time, was sitting in the back seat and my father in law asked him something about how things were going. Joshua answered, "It's just a reginary day Pop." And so father in law and I just looked at each other - wondering silently what the heck reginary was. I shrugged my shoulders so Pop says to him, "Joshua, what's reginary?" Joshua says, without skipping a beat, "You know, regular, ordinary - reginary." And so it did make sense in Joshua's peculiar little mind and he very succinctly described it to us - regular and ordinary were reginary and thus a new word was added to the family lexicon.

Today I took Rebecca to the beauty parlor for a hair cut. We love our hair stylist - she's one of our good friends and her daughter dances with Rebecca. The haircut was done, we were sitting around talking a little and conversation worked its way around to Christmas and gifts and surprises. Rebecca, my teenage silly girl - a blonde heart with a brunette head (if ya get my drift) is teasing her friend about being patient and waiting for Christmas Day to see her gifts and how her friend was trying to find ways to figure her gifts out and Rebecca says, "Oh don't be so sneakative!" And I said, "Huh?" Rebecca bursts out with a string of teenage girl giggles and she says, "I meant sneakrative. No wait! I really meant secretive... yeah, that's it but it came out sneakative... oh well!"

So... now we have a new word, even though I did google it and saw there are search results for it - but she didn't know that - so yep, you got it right, my children are geniuses, absolute visionaries! It makes a momma proud... and hey, I did spell check before publishing this thing and you would not believe all the little yellow misspelled works that popped up - talk about messing with my head!

Countdown

Two more quite nights. I still have a few presents to wrap... nothing too major, easy to do. I'll get it done tomorrow night or Wednesday. Hopefully I'll only have half a day to work on Wednesday, which I can handle really well. I'm looking forward to the day I have lots of annual leave saved up and can take the Christmas week off. But all in all I can't complain about any of the time I have now. It's not like teaching school but it's fine - better actually because I like where I am and what I do as opposed to the situation in which I was working previously. Anyway - I guess my point was I'm ready - bring it on!

The kids and I had dinner tonight sitting at the table, just the three of us. I made spaghetti and we ate it on my Christmas china and Joshua and I had some wine with our dinner. The three of us sat at the dinner table for almost two hours - laughing, talking, remembering. So many parents stress over their children growing up, becoming adults - but I gotta tell ya, I'm liking it. Yeah I miss when they were little, I miss snuggling on the couch or reading them stories. I miss that baby smell and the nurturing and cuddles. It's a fact of life that children grow and a long time ago I adopted the viewpoint it was gonna happen whether I wanted it to or not, so I've embraced the opportunity, the privilege, to see them becoming more autonomous, see them figuring it out, see them pulling away.

Yes, I miss the days of Santa and wonderment - there is a magical feeling gained from experiencing the beauty of Christmas and, by extension, life through the eyes of a child. It humbles us and teaches us more than we could ever learn in a text book or lecture. I think having a child connects all the dots - we see the past and the present and the future in our children. We realize we are, indeed, part of something so much bigger than oursleves. The great thing though is it doesn't end when they become teenagers. It's different for sure but it's just as awesome - and gee, when they get it - really get it - it's just as awe inspiring as when they were little. To watch them go from that me centered mentality to that whole "wow, I'm not the middle of the universe" mentality is funny and heart-filling all at the same time. When they look at you and say thanks, and mean it and get why they're saying it - well... it's another mental snap shot to add to the photograph book in my mind. More moments to ponder in my heart...

Sitting at dinner with them tonight was a gift they don't realize they gave, a gift they don't realize they got. I do know though they will one day look back on moments like tonight's dinner, like many moments we've shared over the years, and they will remember - they will remember they were loved and treasured and valued. They will pass that gift on to their children, who will pass it down to their children's children...

Sunday of Love

So there we have it - the last Sunday in Advent, no more counting to do. I'm sitting in the living room, Christmas Vacation playing, yet again, on the television, the tree lights blinking, tapping on my laptop. The kids are playing Wii down the hall and I just took some bliss bars out of the oven. The house smells good, the furnace is working (for now) and all is right with the world.

The service guy came out and checked on the furnace again and has decided the circuit board is shot and is working on getting us another one sometime soon. Until then he has the heat working for the moment and I just pray it holds out a while longer. It got cold this morning but we made due and managed. Kind of reminded me of those years on the farm - my dad, for some reason, got into the whole "farm family, roughing it" lifestyle and we heated the house with a buck stove and kerosene heaters. It wasn't fun. But I sure do appreciate a warm house now.

It's been a long time since I've felt this at ease - especially during the holidays. I have the majority of my shopping done, just a few last minute items to work on and I can do all that in one fell swoop Monday or Tuesday. Everything is just falling into place holiday wise. I don't stress anywhere near like I used to... I feel like there is more time, more opportunity, more something and the whys don't really matter as much as the appreciation that I have for it.

It is the Sunday of Love and I'm kicking myself because during church there was the most beautiful recitation during the lighting of the Advent candle. It was about love - about recognizing love, about accepting love, about giving love. It was so well phrased and I put it in the recycle bin at church. Sheesh. It's funny that this was the way it was worded this morning because when I was in the shower, getting ready for Sunday School, I was thinking about love, thinking about me and I had an epiphany of sorts. I realize to say "I love you" to another person right now would be a very difficult thing for me to do, even if I knew someone, even if I were seeing someone. There is a huge distrustful part of me - not a big surprise considering what I've been through. I'm very comfortable giving, it's an easy thing for me to do. I'm a thoughtful person, I notice things and I tend to make mental notes for no other reason than it's my nature.

Receiving anything, now that's another story. It makes me uncomfortable if I'm honest... and the few times I've let my guard down enough to enjoy the gifts of time and attention, it's always seemed to have bitten me square on the ass. I've learned not to rely on people, I've learned not to believe what I'm told. What's bizarre though is this, at the same time I'm not believing anything I'm told I'm believing everything I'm told. Sick I know.

This is something for me to work on - this love thing. Somewhere along the way I have to discover a way to allow myself to be loved. It's been a huge first step learning to love myself - and perhaps that's how it happens, ya know? Perhaps after we love ourselves, learn to be kind to ourselves, learn to treat ourselves as important and worthy creatures, then that's when we can allow other's to do it also. Perhaps? So this is love, the Sunday of Love - and as Christmas fast approaches I am reminded of the power and presence of love... its beauty and glory - and I pray one day I am blessed enough to give it and receive it.

FYI - the furnace is out - I went to the store and bought a little space heater to take the chill off the morning - geeze... :-) and should you get the opportunity check out this movie - The Ultimate Gift.

What Was I Thinking

Well first of all... the heat has decided to act up again this evening and the guy said they were on call 24/7 but I don't want to call at this time of night and I'm sure it will come back on again soon once it sits for a while. But, I could be wrong and this could be it although they said nothing was really wrong with it. If it's acting up again tomorrow I will call them back when it's light outside. Until then we'll muddle through.

I shopped today - for gifts and food. I'm pretty much done except for a few little things - some candy and having some pictures printed. I have a few other things to wrap and that's it. I hadn't counted on buying a phone yesterday but that's ok. I'm enjoying the phone and slowly learning how to work the features. It really is more phone than I needed but I'm sure once I figure it out I'll wonder how I ever managed without it - isn't that always the way?

My (ex) mother in law called this morning. She wanted to invite the kids and me to their house on Christmas Day. The ex, of course, will be there and I, for some reason I've not quite figured out, agreed. I'm taking my homemade mac and cheese, my (ex) father in laws favorite, and at his request. I'd prefer not to go and I'd be fine staying by myself for a few hours on Christmas Day. I'm not sure why they all feel the need to invite me over. I'm not sure what they're thinking. I just feel like they want us all to pretend it's all ok - like it used to be and I just don't like pretending. Like I said, I'm not really sure what possessed me to agree to this. I don't like seeing my ex let alone spending time with him - I don't like how I feel when I'm around him.

I was thinking about his "I just want to find passion in my life" comment today. He asked me, after that comment, if I didn't want to find passion myself. I said yes. Thinking about it now I have such a different perspective on it - now I realize passion isn't something you discover or go looking for - it's not an outside in kind of thing. Passion emanates from within. Sometimes a cause or a person can stir those feelings inside you - but it all really comes from inside - from the heart, the soul, the something... it's self driven. Truth is, as I tend to see it, he wasn't looking for passion really - he was looking for thrills - shots of adrenaline - ways to prove to himself he was still alive. That might be sorta fun I guess, if it worked long term. I'm not sure it does though - I'm not sure that looking toward others to fulfill us, to make us whole, to make us feel, works.

What happens when it fails - what happens when people inevitably let us down? What happens when we can't sustain the activity? Being alone has been painful. I've learned from it though.... learned a lot about myself, about my inner strength and determination - my will. I don't know if life is meant to be like this always. I don't know if life is always supposed to be a fight, a struggle, a test. I think though, for me, I've gotten to this place - this place where I accept the reality is it might be - and yet I've managed to carve out some wonderment, some beauty, some indulgence despite it. And so, despite the circumstance I will find a way to make the best out of spending a few hours on Christmas Day with someone I don't care to be around. I don't quite understand the thought process that's led to all this - and I don't quite understand why I've agreed to it - but I'm going to work at staying true to myself, to not lose ground on all the work I've done for myself. Tis the Season...

It Was Bound To Happen

It has been a very nasty wet cold, cold day. I've not been warm since I woke up this morning. Just north of here it's snowing - we get the rain. Of course I had to be out in it today, work, picking Rebecca up after her exam, going back to work, coming home to be here when the heating guy came to service the furnace, going back out to the post office and then the cafe to get some chicken stew and then out again for my mani/pedi. And... wouldn't you know, in all that running I would drop my phone outside, forget it for about five minutes and find it just to be tricked thinking it was ok... it was working after all, and then, it died. I guess the universe was trying to tell me something - I've been saying I wanted a new phone for a while now but didn't want to pay for it right now so I was holding off. But... well... I sorta had no choice. It's dead.

In all the years I've had a cell phone, which have been many, I've never destroyed a phone before today. It's uncharted territory for me. Usually I get a run of the mill phone - nothing special, nothing fancy - this time, well I got a nice touch phone - probably more phone than I need, but oh well... I had the nice sales guy (he's helped me before, such a doll) add the data plan to my line also - now I can take the Internet with me where ever I go... just what I need, huh?

Oh well. I need to make sure I'm nice to this phone - but like I said I've had a half dozen phones and never killed one until today - I feel like such a failure! I'll get over it in due time though, I'm sure. I'm just aggravated I don't have all my contacts - argh!

Ahhhhhhhhh...

It is finally Thursday night and I can relax. Court was crazy today but ultimately went well and so finally the long, long week is so close to being done. WooHoo!

One of my favorite shows is on... don't think I'm silly but I love to watch Iron Chef. It's not that I have to watch it, or that I purposely look for it but once in a while I stumble across it and end up fascinated. Tonight the secret ingredient is sugar and it's the holiday dessert battle. The chefs are special guests - Tyler Florence and Robert Irvine are taking on Paula Deen and Iron Chef Cat Cora. My favorite part is when they introduce the food they've created. I'd love to be a judge!

I'm gonna fade fast - I've not been this tired in a very long time -

Take care y'all... I promise profound soon!

HALLELUJAH!

The training is done! Let me hear an AMEN!!! The training itself was great - the facilitators were awesome and inspiring - most definitely pros at what they do... but the part where we had to get up and present was excruciating... down right un-com-fort-able! It was hell. But - I did live through it... and I do have more skills concerning training than I had. All and all an ok day - whew!

This job, my job, allows me to meet some pretty incredible people. In the grand scheme of government agencies this one is a small one although we are all spread throughout the state, each county having it's own office. We only interact as a group several times a year but it's a situation where people are warm and inviting, always engaging, that it doesn't seem so spread out. It's like picking up where we left off.

Anyway - I am thrilled to be finished with that. Court is tomorrow and I have my own report to write as well as two to help write. But... I can do it! Yes I can! Writing the reports has gotten to be an easy, in my sleep sorta exercise so I'm not too stressed about it. Friday I have to do a training session with two volunteers and then next week, well... next week and the week after I have three work days each - I can deal with that! I sorta miss those days when I had so much time off, but then again I'm happy to be working where I am with the people I do, and to have the money and benefits. I'm truly blessed...

Now... I think all the worry about the big deal facilitators training today had me so freaked out I developed a blemish on my chin... and it's awful! I'm too old to have a zit - ewwwwwww.

BusY, bUsy, BuSY

If I can make it through tomorrow I might, just might, survive. I'm not sure why work has scheduled so many training sessions during the month of December but they have... and so I sit... on the bed, ready to look at a DVD and arrange my training manual and take some notes. I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, I'm just really very nervous about the whole thing. After tomorrow it will be over and it will be fine :-) right....?

So... I'm not going to attempt a long, heartfelt, contemplative blog entry - I'm sorry :-( but I'll try and do better later in the week.

One of my favorites to sing - What Child Is This?

A Thing of Beauty

I'll Be Home For Christmas...

Sunday of Joy

One more Sunday to go before Christmas - and so, today during the church service, we lit the third candle - the candle of joy. Since we've already celebrated hope and peace, next Sunday will be love... and we will have our traditional service of music - a lesson told in carols. There will be a live Nativity, as always, and this year our own little Rebecca will be portraying Mary. We went for a practice this afternoon where they fitted her with her costume and they walked through the whole thing - she was quite taken with the fella playing Joseph. Too bad he's a college boy...

So it's the Sunday of Joy and I've been feeling pretty joyful these days. There are times, as I go about my day, I realize how busy I am. Several years ago I would have been stressed beyond belief, unhappy and grumpy, feeling like the weight of the world was on my shoulders and now, today, not so much. These days I feel positively normal. It took three and a half years, a few mistakes and a return to therapy but hey, better late than never! I like this, this ease. No one shares in the inception of it... it's all me... as boring as that sounds.

Tomorrow my mom and I are shopping... finishing up those names on the list. I have my nephew and a few others, some odds and ends to take care of, and I'm actually pretty excited about it. I've balanced my checkbook - figured out how much I have hanging around and I'm ready to shop til I drop lol! Too bad I'm not shopping for me, but oh, wait, that's not very Christmasy now is it? Sorry! The rest of the week will be hectic, and I'm not looking forward to it all that much but... here's the thing... I know it will all be ok... I know that it will get done and I will manage it. Knowing that means I don't have to stress an inordinate amount over it... it's a beautiful, joyful, thing...

Merry Christmas y'all! All I Want For Christmas Is You!

Christmas Movies

This afternoon Rebecca and I went to see the Rockettes with my ex in laws. It was wonderful to see the show again! I love it, one of my most favorite things to do! The lights and music and costumes and, of course, the dancing - it can't be beat. And on top of all of it, you get the Christmas Story. Afterwards we went to eat at a very interesting Persian restaurant with the most yummy food. I had a great glass (well two glasses) of wine - a fantastic Beaujolais - the absolute best wine I have ever had. Dessert was so good - a banana cake topped with pralines.

It's a Wonderful Life is on NBC and I'm watching... it's one of my favorites. I used to have this silly little idea that perhaps, one day, the ex would have a George Bailey epiphany and realize everything he could ever want was right here in this house... but, alas, it didn't work out that way. I have a little brass ornament on my tree, a tiny angel with a itty bitty jingle bell hanging from it - it came with a little slip of paper that said, "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets it's wings." My mom gave it to me one Christmas, tucked into my stocking - I always hang it in a prominent place on my tree.

I like to watch Scrooged - it makes me laugh pretty hard (especially when he tells the guy to staple the little antlers to the mice). It's a a crazy off beat take on A Christmas Carol, modernized and jazzed up for the 80's. Of course, there are so many versions of A Christmas Carol - a truly brilliant piece of literature. I had never read it, I'm ashamed to admit, and a few years ago I decided I would and I did. It's amazing how relevant it remains today although it was written in 1843. And, if you've never seen The Bishop's Wife I highly recommend it. It's not a movie someone would typically point to as a film of the season but it is... subtle and sweet - and it has Cary Grant - what's not to like? And then, I can't forget A Christmas Story - "You'll shoot yer eye out kid." Oh my... perfect, perfect, perfect!

So... I will finish going over my Sunday School lesson and turn out the lights and get some sleep... night y'all.

Almost Forgot!

I did! I almost forgot to write a blog entry tonight! For shame on me!

It's Friday - thank goodness! It was a very long week - very long... and I was so ready for a break. Next week will be a hellish one, not only do we have court but we also have a state wide training we are doing on Wednesday - and we have to participate in the training and I'm ever so slightly nervous about doing it. But... whatcha gonna do, eh? Tomorrow we see the Rockette Christmas Show - I can't wait! Reminds me of NYC last year, ahhhhh memories!

The Wedding Planner is on again... it's freezing outside and I'm too lazy to make a cup of hot cocoa to drink in bed while I watch it... truth is I will probably go to sleep, snuggled down under the covers, after I finish this entry. Matthew McConaughey is an attractive guy... I think what makes him more attractive is his personality, and what works in this movie is the interaction between the two main characters... the looks they give one another... the things they say... chemistry. Chemistry... it truly is everything.

I read somewhere we are attracted to approximately 7% of the opposite sex at any given time - meaning, if a woman walked into a room of 100 men, she would find seven of them attractive. Pretty sorry odds, don't you think? Makes me wonder how there are so many folks wandering around out there attached to so many people... but I read all that somewhere on the Internet and we all know we can't trust everything we see on the Internet, now can we?

And my eyes are getting droopy and I can sleep late in the morning... yippee! Perhaps there will be more substance to tomorrow's post - riiiiiiiiight...

Degrees of Passion

This little challenge I made for myself is tougher than I thought it would be... so let's see... what have we got tonight?

I love this video: Gamecocks Win. I'm not posting it in a an effort to be obnoxious... it just makes me happy and in my blog I get to do things that make me happy :-)

Rebecca hasn't been feeling well - as I type this she is snoring next to me, her head resting on my shoulder - we were studying for a science test she has tomorrow and she just drifted off. I'm not sure exactly what's wrong. Her nose is stuffy and she says her throat hurts. At the moment she is snoring quite loudly and she twitches every once in a while. Bless her heart. I guess I'll have company in bed tonight.

Up until a year or so ago she would sleep with me several nights a week. Not sure what any experts would say about that. I didn't think it was that big of a deal. She didn't sleep with me because she had to, because of any fear on her part. I think we'd crawl in the bed and read or watch television together and we'd just sort of drift off. It was nice sometimes to have the company - sometimes though it got crowded with her and the dog and the books.... In some ways though that's been the beauty of our new life... we don't have any strict regulated long held ideas of right or wrong. We've sorta winged a lot of what we've done... Lord knows I've made this whole single parenting thing up along the way. It's been important to me for the kids to feel like home was a refuge... a soft place... a comfort. I've let some things slide and been very unyielding on others but I think the kids know which is which. Some things are not negotiable... some things are - they know the difference.

I love my children and want the best for them, always - but I'm not afraid of telling them no, I'm not afraid of making them mad at me... I sorta think that is what's best for them at times. I also get the opportunity to tell them yes on occasion, when appropriate, and witness their joy because of it. Too many yes's with very little no's makes for nothing special. There has to be a balance - a constant balance - a tricky and tiring thing. But there aren't any "do overs" ya know?

The ex said the day he left, "I just want to find passion in my life." Life without passion, I must agree, is a pretty bland and dull existence. It perplexed me, however, because as I looked around the living room that Saturday afternoon at all the pictures of the kids I wondered - how much more passion do you need to find? I thought, if you can't find passion in the faces of your own children then you're never going to find passion in any other experience you have - you'll constantly be looking... forever searching and wondering why everything falls short. I don't think that's a problem I will ever have...

Decisions, Decisions

I started one blog entry and saved it - I'm not so sure I need to be talking about it... another blasted movie - an older one this time... and it got stuck in my head this morning and I've been thinking about it but it's making me sorta sad and I don't want to be sad.... I may not have a whole lotta choice in the matter but I don't have to write about it right now and make it worse. Right?

I have therapy tomorrow - it's been a while since I've actually gone. It was an experiment on my part to see how long I could go without feeling like I was missing it. I've done ok, had a few moments when I wished I had gone sooner but for the most part I feel pretty together. Is that possible for me? I've been very focused on the good things in my life - and gee there really are so many. I have moments at work where I'm busy and I realize how happy I am to be there doing what I'm doing. The other night the kids had come in my room for something, I was in bed, Rebecca crawled in next to me and Joshua stood beside the bed and we all just chatted - and I felt incredibly blessed - they make me so happy. I'm busy and I have things to look forward to and I have friends - I have a little bit of money. I didn't think three Christmas's ago I'd be in this place - I'm very grateful for everything, I truly am...

I need sleep... I've been sleeping so hard lately and so it seems like morning comes so early because of it. I've managed to post something everyday so far - nothing all that fantastic and cerebral but hey, it's something right? I'm posting a video of Rebecca dancing one of their competition pieces for the spring (two girls are missing)... I'm sure everyone enjoys watching her dance as much as I do... lol!

Nuttin' Honey

All right - I got nuttin', nuttin' at all.

Merry Christmas Darling...

OK

It's been a long day... but then again what days don't seem like they're long? It's cold, but hey, it's December... lol... whine, whine, whine. I'm wondering why the heck I set this little goal for myself - not like I have to follow it through - but I want to follow it through... just hoping I can pull something out of my hiney to write about!

The Wedding Planner is on - I love this movie, even if it makes me a tad bit sad and wistful. One of my favorite scenes in the movie happens when Mary, the wedding planner, is having a Kraft Mac and Cheese dinner with Massimo, the Italian friend, and they have this exchange:

MASSIMO: You look like u have much on your mind. Please, do tell me. MARY: Well, there's nothing to tell. I thought I could control everything and I can't, I met someone who I thought was..well he's not. (sigh) Did you ever like someone but the timing was off? Way off?? You feel things, you should not be feeling? I'm not making any sense. MASSIMO: You make much sense. You long for him, the way I long for you. MARY: Massimo, I don't want you to think..MASSIMO: no, no.. You need to learn the patience. I mean, love can't always be perfect, love is, just love. MARY: My mother used to say that. MASSIMO: well your mother was a very wise woman.

Of course in the movie, just to make it interesting, the timing is off for Mary and Steve. Steve's getting ready to marry someone else when he meets Mary and she's drawn to him, and he to her and there is no explanation for it - no reason other than they just are and yet everything in the universe says it shouldn't be happening. There is a quiet resignation to them both as they go through with the plans they've each laid out for their lives. They're doing what they should do... anything else, any other outcome, seems improbable. There is no anger, no ill will, just an acknowledged sadness. But of course, this is the movies and, well, alls well that ends well - it all gets resolved and Mary and Steve find each other, finally face the reality of the lives they were living and make changes in an effort to live the lives they long to live. Ahhh, the magic of Hollywood.

What happens when that's real life? Two people meet, see something in one another they just can't explain - something they don't want to explain - it just is what it is and that's perfectly ok. But the timing is off, and the reality is the timing will probably always be off... so what do they do? I guess they go on about their lives in quiet resignation, always mindful of the possibility left behind. Sad huh? But it's ok... right? I mean, it has to be... no other choice. Love is just love - and it's not always perfect, if it is ever perfect - but patience, now patience has no impact on any of it. There is nothing to wait for - the reality is nothing is likley to change - after all, this isn't the movies.

It's nice, though, sometimes, just sometimes, to think about how it would actually end if it were Hollywood...

STEVE: Why you only eating the brown ones? MARY: Because someone once said they have less artificial colouring because chocolate's already brown. And it kind of stayed with me. STEVE: You kind of stayed with me.

Fake It

I've not written much about Advent thus far even though this is the Second Sunday in Advent... the Sunday of Peace. I've been sort of at a loss about what I want to say - I've said a lot of it before - it's a yearly renewal, a yearly reminder of the promise, of the gift. As I age this is what becomes the most important thing to me - the comfort I get from all this. My faith has grown tremendously over the last few years - I'd almost lost it at one time but at some point it started to push through the dark, searching for light, for warmth. It took on a brightness, a luminescence of sorts, and it brought peace and joy back into my life. I can't imagine not having faith, not believing in something more than me, something greater and grander.

I don't believe as I used to, and I 've written about that before - that's the whole point of growing in your faith... don't you think? As I've aged I realize life doesn't fit into a nice neat little box, and neither does my faith in God. It's been special and important to me to have several men of faith guiding me, encouraging my faith, but yet not telling me my doubt was right or wrong - the message received from each of them has been it's normal to doubt, to question, to wonder. My minister said to me once something like this - he said if anyone tells you he's got it all figured out then run. He said no one has the answers - no one - he said we're not supposed to have all the answers - and he said anyone who says he does is lying. There is weight that lifted off my shoulders when he said that. Life truly is the process... the journey.

There is often a lot of conversation about "faking it til you make it," especially when dealing with mental health issues. My ex said it a lot - he was faking it hoping some day he'd be making it - and I think that's just the wrong way to approach anything. Yeah I have moments I fake it (get your minds out of the gutter... it's been waaaaay too long to worry about faking that). We all have moments where we're sitting in a long school choral concert and our child's not singing and we're really not into it but we fake it for a little while - not in an effort to elicit some kind of emotion or way of living - but just to be polite... to make it through an uncomfortable situation. We don't live a life of pretend, a life contrary to our true feelings, with the hope one day we'll magically wake up and be on board with that way of life. There has to be a change inside us... a true change born from desire - a moment when need and want converge and become one - before we seek to make life what we want it to be. It's not easy, in fact, sometimes, it can be down right painful... but once it happens, once the joy begins emanating from the inside out, living it becomes second nature - it doesn't require the ability to fake it.

I was faking my life too... all those years, all that time... I was faking it too, hoping beyond hope to recapture or rekindle something that may have never been there in the first place. Now it's different for me, now I am learning to make no apologies for who I am, or what I like, or what I do. This has given me a freedom to just be, which has made life so much simplier - so much more joyful... and that, in turn, is the spark that motivates me to do, and go, and learn, and grow - and really, the ability to look around at my life and feel the blessings and know now, beyond a shadow of any doubt, they do exist - if I'm not sure of anything else I'm sure of that...

She Has My Eyes...

I guess I've always known it really but seeing this picture somehow surprised me. Joshua said, "Mom, she's you... duh." Is it narcissistic to say her eyes are beautiful?

And So It Begins

There was parade practice and a float to decorate. Then a mad dash home to let the dog out, gather the rope we bought last year to tie the tree to the top of the car and a drive up the road to Lowes. First, though, we ate - soup and a sandwich from Panera with a cookie for dessert. Then the comical tradition of tree choosing... the kids joke about the size of a tree and dash around the garden center looking for the perfect one. They are getting so much better at it! Before it was always a mission to find the hugest tree they could - one that would not fit into our house - a Griswold tree! They don't anymore but they sure laugh about it now: Come on mom... let's get a tree like the GRISWOLDS! The tree was then tied to the top of Joshua's car, in ceremonious fashion, and Joshua and Holly headed for home while Rebecca and I headed to Wally World. She needs a white turtle neck shirt to wear in the parade and, of course, she didn't have one but really, I think we buy one every year and it disappears. So... whew... sheesh... tired.

The tree is in the middle of the living room now, ready to decorate but we aren't going to worry about it until tomorrow... and guess what's on television as I snuggle in for the night? Christmas Vacation! "That's something ain't it? She falls in a well, eyes go crossed. She gets kicked by a mule, they go back to normal. I don't know." Gosh that's the funniest darn movie!

So... not much of an entry but hey, it's still an entry so it counts, right?

Chilly!

Baby It's Cold Outside!

It is chilly and it's 'possed to get colder - which isn't all that weird for South Carolina but ya know... we just don't ever seem to be ready for it. What do I mean by cold? Well, don't laugh, but the 40's are considered cold.... what can I say :-) Saturday is Christmas Parade day - a marathon of jingle bells and Santa baby - three, yes three... so it takes up pretty much the whole darn day (why you ask? Well - Rebecca's dance studio has a float and the girls all dance along the parade route). It's cute - and I'm sure I'll have pictures to share on Saturday for my fifth post of the month!

The promise of cold weather and the tiny little talk of possible flurries (a rarity in the winter, let alone December) had some of us reminiscing about our trip last December to NYC. It really was one of the most wonderful experiences I've ever had - walking out of the hotel that Saturday morning to a steady flurry of snow flakes! It was awesome! We walked to the Cafe Edison and had breakfast and then spent the morning riding a tour bus - and all the while it was snowing - wonderful, wet, cold snow - and it snowed the whole rest of the day, and into the night as we walked around Rockefeller Center with the people and sights and sounds and the tree. That trip was truly one of the best "throw caution to the wind" moments I've ever had. I'm so ready to do it again!

It's a good night to be snuggled down under the bed covers. I'm so ready for the rest - it's been a long day... but I did have a sweet moment today - something I've not experienced in a long while... I was at the dance studio and the owner, who was teaching one of the three-four year old little girl ballet classes, came into the office where I was sitting (in her nice little office chair) and she asked the office manager to call a little girl's mother - the little lass wasn't feeling well. A was holding her and the little angel was falling asleep and A said she would just take her back to the studio and wait. I said if she'd come to me I'd hold her until mom got there. She did, easily, and snuggled onto my lap, head on my chest, little hands curled up under her for warmth and we rocked in the chair and very soon she was asleep - so very very sweet. We sat and rocked for a good 20 minutes before mom got there and I loved every minute of it. I'd forgotten how wonderful it can be to hold a little one, sigh.

So there it is - day three. LMAO - not sure I'm gonna make it to 31 - this post isn't all that coherent - there is no "arc" to it - but hey, every post doesn't have to be perfect, now does it?

I-N-D-E-P-E-N-D-E-N-T

It's December 2nd and I had this crazy idea I wanted to try and publish a blog entry a day in the last month of this year... I'm not sure how well I'm going to do with that. Sometimes I have lots on my mind and sometimes I feel pretty dim - and it's probably a real reach to expect myself to be up for publishing something everyday - but we'll see...

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is supposed to be on tonight. I remember always watching the Christmas shows when I was little - it was such a huge deal. But then of course we didn't have DVD players and we couldn't watch a show whenever the mood struck us. These days it's not such a big deal, catching it all on television, but I still remember and so whenever it occurs to me a show is on I try to watch. One of my favorites was Nester the Long Eared Donkey... always always always made me cry. It's rarely on anymore - I have watched it a few times in years past -Rebecca's seen it and she actually said to me the other day while discussing Christmas cartoons, "Mom, you know what's my favorite? Nester...." Imagine that!?!

Tonight though is Rudolph, narrated by Sam the Snowman - such a celebration of individuality and nonconformity. It's so sad how unhappy Hermey and Rudolph are because they can't be themselves... because they don't feel like they fit in. They each, independently, decide to set out because they figure being alone is the only way to go. Along the way they find the Island of Misfit Toys and discover camaraderie and experience sacrifice and exhibit untold feats of bravery. They eventually realize that love and honesty and living an authentic life are the only ways to be happy. It's ok to be who you are, even if it's different. Yeah I know, I'm grasping... I gotta get out more.

It has a great line in it though - one that was quoted to me a few years back by someone with a wonderful sense of humor during a lightheartedly warm sweet moment. I've never forgotten it and I always think of him quite fondly when I hear it - Hermey says to Rudolph, "Hey, what do you say we both be independent together, huh?" While it's cute and kinda clever it's somehow a great way to describe friendship and love - be independent together. We are all gloriously unique with our own likes and dislikes, our own strengths and weaknesses - it's what makes life interesting. When independence can coexist with respect and kindness and love, well, gee... sounds like the makings of a pretty great relationship to me.

Borne Back Ceaselessly into the Past...

You win a prize if you can tell me where I got the title from... no fair if you Google it!

I was talking to my coworker today... we were laughing about our kids and the holiday - lamenting how it's December 1st and we already feel behind - which is so very silly because the truth is I don't feel so behind... I think about it sometimes and then realize gee... I'm ok... which seems to be my current mantra. I'm really ok. Small bites... I think that's the key - it's what I remind myself of all the time... little bits at a time. And so we were talking about the holiday, our kids and our Christmas traditions and we started talking about stockings... I looked to see if I'd talked about this before here and I haven't so I will tonight because I'm realizing as I work all this out, lay it out here in my blog - my brain made visual - I'm finding it possible to let it go. At least that's the goal :-) and it's been working.

My favorite little Christmas tradition is filling the stockings on Christmas Eve. The kids are older now and Santa has sorta fallen by the wayside a bit. Last year I found it hard to do Santa, we had gone to New York and that was Rebecca's big gift and Joshua had asked for a few small expensive things and so saving them and putting them under the tree on Christmas morning seemed silly. And this year it's not so different - they are both getting BIG ticket items for Christmas - things they already know - and there are a few little surprises they don't know about but to do the whole Santa leaving gifts under the tree thing just seems an effort to perpetuate something when we're all in on the secret. The one thing I do though, that I think I will probably always do, is fill their stockings... they get excited about that, it's the surprise, and they've always seemed to enjoy it so much. I spend a lot of time and effort on the goodies that I put in them. I get their most very favorite candies, a pair of the funniest boxer shorts I can find for Joshua and a pair (or two) of cute little panties for Rebecca - trinkets and treasures, silly and serious - small extravagances personally tailored to their personalities. I think they love them all so much because they are so personal.

Don't get me wrong - I don't do all this in an effort to achieve some kind of perfection. Tucked among the tiny treasures will be pencils and deodorant, practicalities that make life easier. I don't stress over the stockings - I stumble across the things I place in those stockings on Christmas Eve - things catch my eye or I'll already have an idea for something - and so this whole stocking tradition is fun for us all - it's never a chore, never a hassle... for me it's the Spirit of Christmas, and it's lighthearted and fun.

And so this comes to my story - my tale of a Christmas past. I've always done everyone's stocking, that is except mine because that's sorta of silly huh? My ex would do mine, and at first, in the beginning of our marriage, he would fill it with little things like my favorite candy and perhaps a piece of jewelry. I had no expectations about what would be in it, it was up to him, his choice - that's what made it so great. At some point, after Christmas became a chore for him, became uncomfortable and difficult and unbearable, he stopped putting any thought into it at all - and hey, that's ok... because I don't want a gift to be forced, it sorta stops being a gift if it's forced, don't you think? And then one Christmas Eve, as I was putting out the gifts and filling the stockings it occurs to him that hey, he's gotten nothing to put in my stocking. And so he tells me so... says he forgot... and I say ok... no big deal - all the while smiling and holding back tears at the same time. The worst part was his reaction to it all - instead of thinking about me, thinking about how I felt he took it, turned it into his own personal little pity party and called himself names and got upset. It had nothing to do with me really... if it did it wouldn't have happened in the first place... it was all about him, like so much else, and of course, once again, I couldn't feel bad because he was feeling bad and his bad feelings were more important than my bad feelings.

The next morning we're all up, opening gifts, I'm snapping pictures and the kids are reveling in their gifts when stocking time comes - and everyone is pulling out their treaures, laughing over the little funny things tucked inside and Rebecca says in her then innocent adolescent voice, "Hey momma, you must have been bad this year 'cause Santa didn't leave anything in your stocking!" A dagger in my heart - but I laughed it off... smiled and said, "Yeah I must have been" and gave her a hug. He looked at the floor and didn't say a word.

So now it's time to but that to bed, leave it where it's supposed to be - in the past. For so long now I've been holding onto stuff, situations, remembering, I think, as a way to prove to myself it all really did happen, it all really did have an effect on me. See... see... I wasn't crazy - it did happen, it did! Visually I can place it in the box, put the lid on and put it away - high up on the shelf. It's a memory, a part of my life and it's not going away - the trick though, as I'm learning little by little, is to place it all in the proper perspective. But perhaps that requires some distance, and as I've slowly moved forward I'm finally getting the distance needed. Christmas Past is over and it's time to focus on Christmas Present...