I love Saturday mornings, don't get me wrong. They're quiet and there is no need to jump out of bed, no need to rush around to get out the door for work. This morning I woke to slow, soft rumbles of thunder and I'm watching it rain so steadily outside my bedroom window - gee, I need to get those beautiful rain cups hung and I think I've figured out where!
Saturday mornings make me a little sad though. I have too much time to think, which for me is never a good thing - ever. I'm much too dangerous when I have time to think - I'm better off when I'm so damn busy I don't have the opportunity for a proper bowel movement. All this personal, emotional, spiritual growth has worn me out. I'm tired of it, and I have these really intense moments of desire - a desire to forget and ignore the truth. What truth? Well, that's for me to know... y'all to ponder. Beating a dead horse is getting old, so all I will say is I feel like I'm at the top of the mountain, finally, I'm here, reached the destination and the view, wow, it's awesome, truly, but it's lonely. Two out of three ain't bad though, two out of three ain't bad....
WOW, it's really raining - and I could stay like this all day - listening to it pour, watching it all from my window. I almost forgot there for a moment it was the last day of July, so unusual for this time of year to see a dark sky and torrential rain. It's much needed - shoot, I should take my ferns off the porch and put them out in the rain - oh, well... if I went to go do it right now it would ruin the mood and I definitely don't want to do that, so I think I'll just stay here, right here, on the bed.
I woke to a dream this morning, much like one I had a few weeks ago where I unexpectedly ran into someone I once knew, someone I've not spoken to in over a year. We went our separate ways, have entirely different lives now and just running into one another isn't likely to ever happen, so it's odd to dream about him, dream about just bumping into him out of the blue... crazy huh? I wonder why this is something that's hovering in my subconscious these days?
One week until we head to the beach, the glorious beach, my Tara...
7.31.2010
7.28.2010
Memory Lane
Mom found some pictures that she scanned and emailed me. I might have them already in hard copy form but it never hurts to have them on the computer too. That's my dad and the baby is me, just in case you were wondering. It's so... surreal maybe... to look at that and imagine once upon a time I was a baby and he was that young and there was a connection like that between us.
I would not use an adjective like gentle to describe my father but looking at this picture and observing his body, his posture, his hands - gentle is the word that comes to mind. He is so engrossed in that little girl he's holding. It's a shame I can't remember those moments... although I suppose my dad does.
I have those moments too - the ones I remember that my children don't. That's part of the mystery of parenthood, I guess, that children don't really ever get until much later in life, if they ever do at all. We think of it as so one side, don't we? But I suppose there are times my dad looks at me and remembers, like I look at my children and remember, and the feelings he must feel are the same ones I feel. Does everyone take 44 years to figure this out? Or perhaps it's the fact it's my dad, a man who really hadn't been this openly gentle when I was older and able to remember. Either way it's humbling... and endearing in a way I can't explain.
I would not use an adjective like gentle to describe my father but looking at this picture and observing his body, his posture, his hands - gentle is the word that comes to mind. He is so engrossed in that little girl he's holding. It's a shame I can't remember those moments... although I suppose my dad does.
I have those moments too - the ones I remember that my children don't. That's part of the mystery of parenthood, I guess, that children don't really ever get until much later in life, if they ever do at all. We think of it as so one side, don't we? But I suppose there are times my dad looks at me and remembers, like I look at my children and remember, and the feelings he must feel are the same ones I feel. Does everyone take 44 years to figure this out? Or perhaps it's the fact it's my dad, a man who really hadn't been this openly gentle when I was older and able to remember. Either way it's humbling... and endearing in a way I can't explain.
7.26.2010
Relief!
As I have mentioned before, I think, I've had a tiny bit of tooth pain around my (one) filling site so I finally put on my big girl panties and made an appointment and went to the dentist. I am embarrassed to admit it had been four years since I'd been in for a cleaning and a check-up. I have no real excuse other than to say finances dictated the money I might spend on a dentist visit for me get diverted to different funds. I had no dental insurance after all, and the $140+ cost of a visit was more than I could manage at one point, and then six months turned into a year and a year turned into two and so... you get the picture.
But yeah, I'd been having this little dull ache once in a while at the site of my (one) filling so I very apprehensively went in today to get a cleaning and have it checked out. I've been practicing excellent dental hygiene, or so I thought, and I hoped that my hard work would pay off. The hygienist took x-rays and said really things looked good - no pockets of dark spaces to indicate an abscess or root problem. She took a picture of the filling and low and behold there was a little crack in the filling and she said the dentist would look at it but she didn't think it would require anything more than replacing the filling... whew... when the dentist looked at it she said there might be another crack too but that she'd take the old out, have a look inside the tooth, make sure all was ok, and replace it with a nice, new, white filling. Ok, I think I can handle that... :-)
Oh, and the hygienist couldn't believe how great my teeth were and how very little plaque build up I had. She also said I got an A+ for flossing - that I was in the top 2% of all patients - and there was not one smear of blood on the bib! I can't tell you how relieved I am that nothing major was wrong. I go back the 16th of August to have the filling replaced. I've not had anything like this done since I was 11, can you believe that filling is 33 years old?!? I even made an appointment for the next six month check-up. I'm back on track! And so very thankful it turned out to be ok. One less thing to worry about!
But yeah, I'd been having this little dull ache once in a while at the site of my (one) filling so I very apprehensively went in today to get a cleaning and have it checked out. I've been practicing excellent dental hygiene, or so I thought, and I hoped that my hard work would pay off. The hygienist took x-rays and said really things looked good - no pockets of dark spaces to indicate an abscess or root problem. She took a picture of the filling and low and behold there was a little crack in the filling and she said the dentist would look at it but she didn't think it would require anything more than replacing the filling... whew... when the dentist looked at it she said there might be another crack too but that she'd take the old out, have a look inside the tooth, make sure all was ok, and replace it with a nice, new, white filling. Ok, I think I can handle that... :-)
Oh, and the hygienist couldn't believe how great my teeth were and how very little plaque build up I had. She also said I got an A+ for flossing - that I was in the top 2% of all patients - and there was not one smear of blood on the bib! I can't tell you how relieved I am that nothing major was wrong. I go back the 16th of August to have the filling replaced. I've not had anything like this done since I was 11, can you believe that filling is 33 years old?!? I even made an appointment for the next six month check-up. I'm back on track! And so very thankful it turned out to be ok. One less thing to worry about!
7.21.2010
Wednesday... Absolutely Nothing
I am determined to blog something - SOMETHING - today, Wednesday, the 21st of July. The most exciting thing I've done today is floss my teeth. Well, that's not entirely true... I got to talk to a dear friend of mine and have a nice, long, runthegamut, sorta conversation and it was really nice. I did go to work - the "supervisor" was gone, some meeting/visit, so I had the office to myself and was able to get a few things done, including a staffing. But yeah, the flossing... that's important.
It is, really. I go to the dentist on Monday and it scares me. My dental appointments are one of those things I let slide during my no money stretch... Rebecca had to go and Joshua had to go and then there we all those other things I had to pay for, so I didn't go for a few years. I hate admitting that. Please don't think less of me. My one filling (the only filling I've had) is bothering me lately and while it's not painful I can tell something is not right with it. After all it's been in my mouth, that one filling, since I was 11. You do the math. I'm scared there will be others (oh Lord please no). But I've been very good about brushing and using mouthwash, and flossing, well that's taken on a whole new importance. How much you wanna bet me they tell me I need to floss more? But yeah, time for the dentist since I have DENTAL INSURANCE!
I've seen a few of the pictures that were taken during the photography guild session and they're awesome. Not sure if posting what I've seen would be exactly legit considering they aren't mine and they aren't the photographer's I know. So I'll hold off for now... perhaps when they're officially given to me I will.
Rebecca wants me to buy her a book - so I thought, hey, I'll look for one for me too, after all I'm going to the beach in a few weeks and beach=books in my happy little world. I have three books I can take right now and truthfully that's probably enough. Once upon a time I would read a book a day. I've not been able to do that in the last few years. I wonder why? Perhaps I'm more engaged in family life and therefore I spend more time talking and goofing off with the kids than I do reading. Maybe I've lost my ability to concentrate for long periods of time. Those would be my only guesses.... Hmmmmm..... Either way I've not really jumped on anything at Amazon other than the book Becca wants, Charlie St. Cloud. And this is odd, the History Channel is talking about Ancient Egyptians and sex. Sheesh.
Ok, I'm sleepy now... but I've succeeded! A blog post. Too bad it's about absolutely nothing. LOL!
It is, really. I go to the dentist on Monday and it scares me. My dental appointments are one of those things I let slide during my no money stretch... Rebecca had to go and Joshua had to go and then there we all those other things I had to pay for, so I didn't go for a few years. I hate admitting that. Please don't think less of me. My one filling (the only filling I've had) is bothering me lately and while it's not painful I can tell something is not right with it. After all it's been in my mouth, that one filling, since I was 11. You do the math. I'm scared there will be others (oh Lord please no). But I've been very good about brushing and using mouthwash, and flossing, well that's taken on a whole new importance. How much you wanna bet me they tell me I need to floss more? But yeah, time for the dentist since I have DENTAL INSURANCE!
I've seen a few of the pictures that were taken during the photography guild session and they're awesome. Not sure if posting what I've seen would be exactly legit considering they aren't mine and they aren't the photographer's I know. So I'll hold off for now... perhaps when they're officially given to me I will.
Rebecca wants me to buy her a book - so I thought, hey, I'll look for one for me too, after all I'm going to the beach in a few weeks and beach=books in my happy little world. I have three books I can take right now and truthfully that's probably enough. Once upon a time I would read a book a day. I've not been able to do that in the last few years. I wonder why? Perhaps I'm more engaged in family life and therefore I spend more time talking and goofing off with the kids than I do reading. Maybe I've lost my ability to concentrate for long periods of time. Those would be my only guesses.... Hmmmmm..... Either way I've not really jumped on anything at Amazon other than the book Becca wants, Charlie St. Cloud. And this is odd, the History Channel is talking about Ancient Egyptians and sex. Sheesh.
Ok, I'm sleepy now... but I've succeeded! A blog post. Too bad it's about absolutely nothing. LOL!
7.13.2010
It's Only Tuesday... sigh...
I'm so exhausted. I need vacation and I need it now, or at least soon, but the truth is I have a little under four more weeks before I can go. In between then and now I have three court hearings, one of which is weighing very heavily on me. I keep reminding myself it's all slow, small steps... part of me though wants to just run through it all and get to the other side. It doesn't work that way - I know that, doesn't mean I don't sometimes wish.... Sleep isn't satisfying these days either. What's up with that? Sleep has always been something I could count on for respite - not lately. I'm missing something, not seeing it, and I wish I knew what it was. Can someone please tell me? It's like being in a classroom full of students who don't know the answer to the question the teacher just asked and so everyone sits around silently waiting on the teacher to just answer it already and move on with the lesson. I'm feeling like I'm waiting on God to get tired of me missing it and therefore just tell me so we can move on to the next part... but I'm really just stuck, and perhaps the truth is there is no next part. Oh well.
I've not posted any music in a while but I've got to say this, I think, is my new favorite - This Aint' Goodbye. It's sad, I know. What's up with that? It's all about timing, eh? Timing - she's a 500lb pound bearded lady circus freak I think... leaves you sorta sad and hollow, wishing you could do something to change it but knowing you really can't... walking away with insight you really wish you now didn't have. Ok, fine, I'm grasping at straws. I think I'm ovulating.
And, to end this little snippet of a blog post I'll post an old picture mom was given by a friend of hers. It's mom and me - I was around 19 I think. I showed it to the kids and they were more shocked at the way my mom looked then than me - they said I still sorta look the same (which I know is a lie). Oh, and I'm not really sure why I'm wearing that beret thing on top of my head... I think it was Christmas and we were visiting family friends so that might explain it on two levels: a gift and the weather. That's plausible, right?
I've not posted any music in a while but I've got to say this, I think, is my new favorite - This Aint' Goodbye. It's sad, I know. What's up with that? It's all about timing, eh? Timing - she's a 500lb pound bearded lady circus freak I think... leaves you sorta sad and hollow, wishing you could do something to change it but knowing you really can't... walking away with insight you really wish you now didn't have. Ok, fine, I'm grasping at straws. I think I'm ovulating.
And, to end this little snippet of a blog post I'll post an old picture mom was given by a friend of hers. It's mom and me - I was around 19 I think. I showed it to the kids and they were more shocked at the way my mom looked then than me - they said I still sorta look the same (which I know is a lie). Oh, and I'm not really sure why I'm wearing that beret thing on top of my head... I think it was Christmas and we were visiting family friends so that might explain it on two levels: a gift and the weather. That's plausible, right?
7.07.2010
'Nso...
Yes, well let me explain. The title. My father's family is Polish, actually immigrated from Poland in the late 1800s and settled in Wisconsin. I've not really had a lot of contact with them, always living so far away, and I have small vague snippets of memories surrounding them. I, of course, remember my grandmother the most. The last time I saw her I was 16. She died several years ago - the last of my grandparents to pass. She could speak fluent Polish, had a very distinct accent, and she tended to end most sentences with "... 'nso?" Which, spelled out long hand is, "and so?"
I have therapy tomorrow - and as I shared with a friend earlier, when I think about going it makes me want to cry. Odd huh? But that's how I feel. I want to go, don't get me wrong, but I think about what I will probably say, what we'll most likely talk about and it's like a crack appears in the dam that is my psyche and the concrete weakens, letting emotion I usually keep in check seep out. It probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me and I suppose the truth is that it doesn't have to, but it's still hard and I have to deal with it because I don't have any other choice.
I was thinking this morning about life and where we end up, how we get here, why. I live here in this little town I've known for the majority of my life. This is home... and growing up I didn't really realize there was more out there. My folks didn't place a whole lot of importance on travel and life experience. They'd already done it all - travelled and lived and all that entails. By the time I was older, by the time doing those things would actually influence and mold me it was done. Traveling out of town, let alone out of state or out of the country was just folly. We had the farm and that was life and that was it. College - gee that was fight I had to wage just to get the opportunity to go. And then I got more stupid - giving my love and then my body and then my life over to someone else. He, gee, he is hard to explain although I've tried here in this blog - I've tried. I married him thinking, believing, he had simple goals and simple desires and boy did I end up being wrong. But I bought into that - bought into the simple man with simple aspirations and I fashioned my life around that: a little house with a little family... small town American life. And it was fine.
Once upon a time I dreamed of bigger things though - wanderlust I suppose. I made a choice though, free will, and I directed my energy into this small place - this simple life. I have a cozy little home and wonderful children. I am blessed and I know this, I know this in my heart. Yet...
I've been ripped off. Robbed. Lured into a life, pointed in a direction, and then abandoned. I've worked at overcoming it, making it good, even downright awesome sometimes - yet... things happen and I am remined that no matter how far I come I still fall short. I'm still alone. I'm still stuck.
The engagement has been exciting! The kids are so happy and we're all making plans - talking about color schemes and photographers and menus. It's wonderful... so very wonderful. I love them and I want to do my part to make this magical and special - and I will. As God as my witness I will. The reality though is I do this alone.
I will leave it at that. No real need to go any further, explain it to death. This is what will come up tomorrow in therapy... after I tell her the sweet story of how he proposed... after I describe how happy they both looked at that moment... I will cry, as I cry right now, and she will tell me it's natural that I feel this way, that it all makes sense. She's right, I know, but it doesn't change anything - it changes absolutely nothing at all... 'nso?
I have therapy tomorrow - and as I shared with a friend earlier, when I think about going it makes me want to cry. Odd huh? But that's how I feel. I want to go, don't get me wrong, but I think about what I will probably say, what we'll most likely talk about and it's like a crack appears in the dam that is my psyche and the concrete weakens, letting emotion I usually keep in check seep out. It probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense to anyone but me and I suppose the truth is that it doesn't have to, but it's still hard and I have to deal with it because I don't have any other choice.
I was thinking this morning about life and where we end up, how we get here, why. I live here in this little town I've known for the majority of my life. This is home... and growing up I didn't really realize there was more out there. My folks didn't place a whole lot of importance on travel and life experience. They'd already done it all - travelled and lived and all that entails. By the time I was older, by the time doing those things would actually influence and mold me it was done. Traveling out of town, let alone out of state or out of the country was just folly. We had the farm and that was life and that was it. College - gee that was fight I had to wage just to get the opportunity to go. And then I got more stupid - giving my love and then my body and then my life over to someone else. He, gee, he is hard to explain although I've tried here in this blog - I've tried. I married him thinking, believing, he had simple goals and simple desires and boy did I end up being wrong. But I bought into that - bought into the simple man with simple aspirations and I fashioned my life around that: a little house with a little family... small town American life. And it was fine.
Once upon a time I dreamed of bigger things though - wanderlust I suppose. I made a choice though, free will, and I directed my energy into this small place - this simple life. I have a cozy little home and wonderful children. I am blessed and I know this, I know this in my heart. Yet...
I've been ripped off. Robbed. Lured into a life, pointed in a direction, and then abandoned. I've worked at overcoming it, making it good, even downright awesome sometimes - yet... things happen and I am remined that no matter how far I come I still fall short. I'm still alone. I'm still stuck.
The engagement has been exciting! The kids are so happy and we're all making plans - talking about color schemes and photographers and menus. It's wonderful... so very wonderful. I love them and I want to do my part to make this magical and special - and I will. As God as my witness I will. The reality though is I do this alone.
I will leave it at that. No real need to go any further, explain it to death. This is what will come up tomorrow in therapy... after I tell her the sweet story of how he proposed... after I describe how happy they both looked at that moment... I will cry, as I cry right now, and she will tell me it's natural that I feel this way, that it all makes sense. She's right, I know, but it doesn't change anything - it changes absolutely nothing at all... 'nso?
7.06.2010
Day Off
Yesterday was a holiday and I took today off just for the heck of it. Well, not really. Rebecca was asked to model for a photography guild this afternoon and we have to be there at 5. It will take her a bit to get ready and since I wouldn't have been off work until 5 I decided it was a smart thing to do - take the day. She also had dance classes scheduled for this morning but that was rescheduled late last night by her teacher and so we've got the morning to lounge around. 
At some point I will work on the living room a little more since I painted it Sunday. Mostly what's left to do is hang pictures. There are a few I can probably hang myself - well, heck, I could hang them all myself if I felt so moved I suppose, but it's easier to have help with some of them. The big one of the kids is heavy and I'm a little worried about how well the wall will handle it. I've moved some furniture around and dusted EVERYTHING. It's looking pretty good, the color turned out nicely! It's exactly what I had envisioned. Now I need to paint the trim and steam clean the carpet. Oh, also clean the chair the dog tends to rub against, ugh.
I feel odd having the day off and I'm not running around. Typically when I take a day off it's because I have some kind of running around to do - and today really was not exception to that except my plan was cancelled and I find myself free until 5. I will need to help Rebecca with her hair and makeup but that won't be until later in the day so until them, hmmm... what does one do? I've ended up with ten extra days off this year due to a mandatory state furlough. I don't really mind having a few dollars taken from my paycheck in exchange for the ten days. I'm taking five of them in August when we go to the beach and the other five, hmmm... I'm thinking a few right before Christmas holiday. It's nice to have time I can take (in addition to my accrued days). It's nice to have some money, at least for the next couple of years. I need to start dropping money in my savings account religiously... I need to be disciplined. I can do it... it's just making that first deposit.
I think I will make myself some breakfast... continue to watch Morning Joe... relax. This is sorta foreign to me and the truth is, after what I've been through in the past, I'm glad it is.
At some point I will work on the living room a little more since I painted it Sunday. Mostly what's left to do is hang pictures. There are a few I can probably hang myself - well, heck, I could hang them all myself if I felt so moved I suppose, but it's easier to have help with some of them. The big one of the kids is heavy and I'm a little worried about how well the wall will handle it. I've moved some furniture around and dusted EVERYTHING. It's looking pretty good, the color turned out nicely! It's exactly what I had envisioned. Now I need to paint the trim and steam clean the carpet. Oh, also clean the chair the dog tends to rub against, ugh.I feel odd having the day off and I'm not running around. Typically when I take a day off it's because I have some kind of running around to do - and today really was not exception to that except my plan was cancelled and I find myself free until 5. I will need to help Rebecca with her hair and makeup but that won't be until later in the day so until them, hmmm... what does one do? I've ended up with ten extra days off this year due to a mandatory state furlough. I don't really mind having a few dollars taken from my paycheck in exchange for the ten days. I'm taking five of them in August when we go to the beach and the other five, hmmm... I'm thinking a few right before Christmas holiday. It's nice to have time I can take (in addition to my accrued days). It's nice to have some money, at least for the next couple of years. I need to start dropping money in my savings account religiously... I need to be disciplined. I can do it... it's just making that first deposit.
I think I will make myself some breakfast... continue to watch Morning Joe... relax. This is sorta foreign to me and the truth is, after what I've been through in the past, I'm glad it is.
7.03.2010
Dog Days of Summer
It has cooled off a little here in my little spot of the world but the weather folks are promising another heat wave coming soon. Yeah. I am so ready to head to the beach for our week of fun in the sun... but alas I have to get through July and the big trial first. This trial is weighing very heavily on me. I can not fathom these children going home - and yes I know the judge is the one who will ultimately make that decision but still... it's there for me, in the back of my mind. I've so wanted someone to talk to me, listen to me, tell me it's going to be ok and there was no one. Then my dear friend from far away called me last night and I found myself just spilling it and he was great. I didn't want him to fix it, didn't expect him to make it all better - but just the simple act of verbalizing it and someone listening to me and getting how important it is to me - that was, wow, exactly what I needed. So thanks dear... I so very much appreciate you and the fact that I can count on you to listen and be there for me.
Rebecca and I hopped up the road today and bought paint. I'm planning to paint tomorrow and Monday. I think that will give me plenty of time. I took Tuesday off also because Rebecca has some dance stuff today as well as the photo shoot with the photography guild. After we got back today from the store I watered all my plants and we gave the dog a bath. That's a chore and a half. We do it outside under the water hose. He's too big for his own good and looks like a darn bear. He sheds like crazy and I feel like I'm wearing a fur coat after brushing him. But he's clean now - whoopee! At least for a little while. I think I need a nap.
My mom send me an email this afternoon - one of those pass it along deals - but I liked the sentiment at the end so I thought I'd share:
Life is short...forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably... and never regret anything that made you smile.
The forgiving thing, well I'm working on that but the truth is there are very few people I feel unforgiving toward. The rest of it, well... makes me smile. I particularly like not regretting anything that's made me smile - especially the wicked things lol!
I should get busy again... no rest for the wicked, eh?!?
Rebecca and I hopped up the road today and bought paint. I'm planning to paint tomorrow and Monday. I think that will give me plenty of time. I took Tuesday off also because Rebecca has some dance stuff today as well as the photo shoot with the photography guild. After we got back today from the store I watered all my plants and we gave the dog a bath. That's a chore and a half. We do it outside under the water hose. He's too big for his own good and looks like a darn bear. He sheds like crazy and I feel like I'm wearing a fur coat after brushing him. But he's clean now - whoopee! At least for a little while. I think I need a nap.
My mom send me an email this afternoon - one of those pass it along deals - but I liked the sentiment at the end so I thought I'd share:
Life is short...forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh uncontrollably... and never regret anything that made you smile.
The forgiving thing, well I'm working on that but the truth is there are very few people I feel unforgiving toward. The rest of it, well... makes me smile. I particularly like not regretting anything that's made me smile - especially the wicked things lol!
I should get busy again... no rest for the wicked, eh?!?
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