Yesterday daughter and I had our nails and toes "did" at the spa... it was a nice little excursion. I've taken to doing this for myself once a month and I took her yesterday as a belated birthday celebration. It never hurts to have your cuticles cleaned up and nails buffed... and it's good for your feet to have any roughness removed. I've read it's not good for a dancer's feet to have pedicures too often - it removes a lot of the callouses a dancer needs... so we discussed this with our spa lady and we came up with a plan to work on parts of her feet but leave the rougher parts near her toes alone... we don't want her to be in pain as she starts back wearing pointe shoes this week. It's a nice indulgence to do for myself. I'm glad I've thrown caution to the wind and continue to make the monthly appointment. It's nice to be typing with nicely French manicured nails :-)
We then hopped over to the Wal-mart store and stocked up on supplies. We needed toilet paper and dog food and laundry detergent. I also bought some new dryer sheets... they are made by Downy and called Simple Pleasures. I bought the Almond Creme Bliss scent and I've got to tell you I'm very impressed. They leave clothes smelling great and the scent lasts. They also soften the clothes better than other sheets I've purchased. I've always liked Downy liquid and I use it often for bed sheets but I don' t typically used the liquid for clothes. These dryer sheets are a little more expensive than most others but definitely worth the extra cost.
The Hallmark channel has been playing The Five People You Meet in Heaven today. I read the book years ago - we were on vacation at the beach that summer, a few years before ex left - and I remember crying and crying when I got to the end. It really got to me. The movie has the same effect as the book and I can't watch it without boohooing throughout the whole thing. The whole concept is that when we die we are greeted by five people, one at a time. We don't necessarily know each of these folks... but our lives and their lives have all touched at some point, in some way. These folks tell us the story of our lives and in doing so relay the meaning that may have alluded us during our time alive. The main character learns about connection, sacrifice, forgiveness, and love... nothing is an accident, all lives have meaning, love endures. It's truly a wonderful idea, an uplifting thought... but I think ya have to be open to it for it to have an impact... and at times I am open and at others, eh, not so much... but regardless of my state of mind at the time, it always makes me cry.
This is going to be a hellacious week. Lots of running to do, and it's a court week... which means on Thursday we have family court and it just so happens that two of the case on the docket are mine. So in addition to helping others with their reports I have two of my own to write. One may not be heard that day, although I am going to advocate that it is... it's a permanency planning hearing and the mother wants to continue it because she wants more time to work her treatment plan. But she's had a year, and the oldest of the children (at 8) knows this has been drug on too long - he wants it done, one way or the other. My other case is in its early stages and I pray the mother follows through on her promises to work a treatment plan... she's her kids only hope.
I also have therapy this week - Thursday wouldn't you know... and last time the therapist and I talked about a mirade of different things. It was interesting too - we were discussing Borderline Personality Disorder and I told her I had read about it a few years ago while I was trying to educate myself on possible different reasons for the ex's behavior but that I dismissed it because it didn't all fit... and she said not to be so quick to dismiss it - that yes, while not all the criteria fit the ones that did fit were strong... she said she and the psychiatrist had talked about it as a possible diagnosis... so hmm.... I've been mulling it all over in my head... definitely something to think about more.
And now... it's Sunday night - the sun has set... it's dark, and a good time to crawl in the bed... a good time to open a book and settle in for the night. I've been remembering my dreams a lot lately - some have been more vivid than others but still I'm left with enough to ponder. The other morning I was dreaming I was pregnant and then in the next instance dreaming I was sitting on a blanket outside with someone... talking, making plans and in the next instance I was waking in my dream with that same someone lying beside me. It was all strangely comforting and yet confusing at the same time. Ahhhh, to sleep, perchance to dream... gotta love Shakespeare.
8.30.2009
8.23.2009
The Internet is for....
PORN! naaaah... not really... I was just joking... the video makes me laugh though (it's not pornographic :-) ) just a song from the Broadway play Avenue Q.
The Internet is an amazing thing - it really is... the idea that you can, with a few clicks of a keyboard, find the answer to just about anything... the idea that you reconnect with old friends or make new ones... the idea that we can have instant access to just about anything happening on earth at any given moment... it's mind blowing. I guess we have Al Gore to thank for it (hehe) so I say a hardy, heartfelt thanks to Al, or really to the person, or persons, responsible.... Some folks don't like it though. We have a few volunteers where I work who don't have a computer and therefore no email, so we can't contact them that way and they can't write their reports using Word... it's a choice they've made and it's cool... not an issue. They pop into the office and I help them, I contact them either by phone or I snail mail them the information they need. I can do old fashioned... not a problem.
There is a great movie - Hope Floats... I've seen it several times and I sorta have to be in the mood to watch it because it hits close to home - the loss of a marriage, coming to terms, starting over, introspection... sometimes it's difficult to watch - but the message is a good one... the idea that hope floats - and sometimes we just have to give it a chance to rise to the top... the main character finds out about her husbands infidelity and subsequent leaving on national television in Jerry Springer fashion... and so, humiliated and lost beyond belief, she moves back to her hometown, to her mother's house, and she slowly picks up the pieces. She gets a job working at a photo mat type business and one night she's in a bar - dejected and lost, looking for a moment of escape - and a woman she knows from years before, from high school, is there and talking loudly about the fact this woman had been humiliated on national television - laughing and just really being cruel - the main character says yes... it was pretty pitiful and then she brings up the fact this other woman had some questionable pictures developed at the photo mat - pictures of her newly enhanced breasts - and this woman is horrified, how dare that become common knowledge... and Birdie (the main character) says, "I got two words for you people!! Pola roid. Polaroids!!!"
It kills me, the folks who put stuff on Internet and then get pissed or offended that someone had the audacity to either find it or get directed to it and then, heavens, actually look at it... I have my little blog, my little corner of the world - and I write here... write what I want, what I feel, what I think... and I am conscience of the fact that anyone, and I mean ANYONE can read it - my mom, my kids, my ex, my friends, my not so friends, my therapist, my minister, my employer... it's here - out in cyber space and it really doesn't matter how it gets found - I've placed it here... I've opened myself up - and I can't really get pissy if someone reads it... that's sorta the whole fucking point. And it's fun... to see who visits - who might read... who co
mes back... and because I am aware of the fact it's an open forum I could do several things to protect my privacy if I should feel inclined to do so:
1. I can always restrict who has access to it using the tools available to me
2. I could write in Word or some other word processing program and password protect it on my computer should I feel the need, and never publish it
3. I can buy a journal and hand write in it
And this applies to things other than blogs - myspace, facebook, flickr, online profiles... it's sorta like when I dare to wear a low cut shirt - one that shows my cleavage - I do so knowing full well that people might/will look... in a sense I'm inviting the attention - and we could argue til we're blue in the face the motivation behind wearing the shirt in the first place, but that's not my point... my point is this: If I KNOW "the girls" are getting looked at and I continue to wear a low cut shirt it's ridiculous of me to walk up to someone and slap his face because he dares to look... for God's sake if I'm offended then I need to cover the fuck up. I'm not helpless, I'm not a victim... I have resources at my disposal.
When my ex left and I found out about the affair I sat on divorce papers for months... I was worried about his state of mind, worried about his mental and physical health... he had moved to Florida for work and he would call and talk about how alone he was, how all he thought about was suicide, how he was so unhappy - and then in January of the next year I googled him... no reason really, an idea that popped into my head one afternoon... and that's when I found the most obscure little thing - an interview of sorts, with comments by him as well as his girl friend - the affair partner - comments about living in Florida, moving from another state, making friends... and it was then I realized what a dupe I was... and it gave me the strength and the courage to let it go and do what I had to do by having him served with divorce papers. Was it wrong for me to google him? I don't know, personally I don't think so - I'm sure there would be people weighing in on both sides of the debate - and if anyone reading this feels so moved, please feel free to leave a comment. When I spoke to him about it I was calm, finally, for the first time in a very long time, and he had asked how I knew and I told him... the Internet is a wealth of information - he felt busted... I felt relieved.
I have a friend, she's had problems with her husband, for years really... and she's found things about him... dating sites with actual correspondence between him and other women - plans they were making to meet and hook up... and when she asked him about it he was appalled... how dare she look... check up on him. And she laughed... and she said to me, "Belle, he really believed it and tried to turn it around on me, tried to tell me that now HE couldn't trust ME." Yeah, funny huh?
Two words people - Pola roid
The Internet is an amazing thing - it really is... the idea that you can, with a few clicks of a keyboard, find the answer to just about anything... the idea that you reconnect with old friends or make new ones... the idea that we can have instant access to just about anything happening on earth at any given moment... it's mind blowing. I guess we have Al Gore to thank for it (hehe) so I say a hardy, heartfelt thanks to Al, or really to the person, or persons, responsible.... Some folks don't like it though. We have a few volunteers where I work who don't have a computer and therefore no email, so we can't contact them that way and they can't write their reports using Word... it's a choice they've made and it's cool... not an issue. They pop into the office and I help them, I contact them either by phone or I snail mail them the information they need. I can do old fashioned... not a problem.
There is a great movie - Hope Floats... I've seen it several times and I sorta have to be in the mood to watch it because it hits close to home - the loss of a marriage, coming to terms, starting over, introspection... sometimes it's difficult to watch - but the message is a good one... the idea that hope floats - and sometimes we just have to give it a chance to rise to the top... the main character finds out about her husbands infidelity and subsequent leaving on national television in Jerry Springer fashion... and so, humiliated and lost beyond belief, she moves back to her hometown, to her mother's house, and she slowly picks up the pieces. She gets a job working at a photo mat type business and one night she's in a bar - dejected and lost, looking for a moment of escape - and a woman she knows from years before, from high school, is there and talking loudly about the fact this woman had been humiliated on national television - laughing and just really being cruel - the main character says yes... it was pretty pitiful and then she brings up the fact this other woman had some questionable pictures developed at the photo mat - pictures of her newly enhanced breasts - and this woman is horrified, how dare that become common knowledge... and Birdie (the main character) says, "I got two words for you people!! Pola roid. Polaroids!!!"
It kills me, the folks who put stuff on Internet and then get pissed or offended that someone had the audacity to either find it or get directed to it and then, heavens, actually look at it... I have my little blog, my little corner of the world - and I write here... write what I want, what I feel, what I think... and I am conscience of the fact that anyone, and I mean ANYONE can read it - my mom, my kids, my ex, my friends, my not so friends, my therapist, my minister, my employer... it's here - out in cyber space and it really doesn't matter how it gets found - I've placed it here... I've opened myself up - and I can't really get pissy if someone reads it... that's sorta the whole fucking point. And it's fun... to see who visits - who might read... who co
mes back... and because I am aware of the fact it's an open forum I could do several things to protect my privacy if I should feel inclined to do so:1. I can always restrict who has access to it using the tools available to me
2. I could write in Word or some other word processing program and password protect it on my computer should I feel the need, and never publish it
3. I can buy a journal and hand write in it
And this applies to things other than blogs - myspace, facebook, flickr, online profiles... it's sorta like when I dare to wear a low cut shirt - one that shows my cleavage - I do so knowing full well that people might/will look... in a sense I'm inviting the attention - and we could argue til we're blue in the face the motivation behind wearing the shirt in the first place, but that's not my point... my point is this: If I KNOW "the girls" are getting looked at and I continue to wear a low cut shirt it's ridiculous of me to walk up to someone and slap his face because he dares to look... for God's sake if I'm offended then I need to cover the fuck up. I'm not helpless, I'm not a victim... I have resources at my disposal.
When my ex left and I found out about the affair I sat on divorce papers for months... I was worried about his state of mind, worried about his mental and physical health... he had moved to Florida for work and he would call and talk about how alone he was, how all he thought about was suicide, how he was so unhappy - and then in January of the next year I googled him... no reason really, an idea that popped into my head one afternoon... and that's when I found the most obscure little thing - an interview of sorts, with comments by him as well as his girl friend - the affair partner - comments about living in Florida, moving from another state, making friends... and it was then I realized what a dupe I was... and it gave me the strength and the courage to let it go and do what I had to do by having him served with divorce papers. Was it wrong for me to google him? I don't know, personally I don't think so - I'm sure there would be people weighing in on both sides of the debate - and if anyone reading this feels so moved, please feel free to leave a comment. When I spoke to him about it I was calm, finally, for the first time in a very long time, and he had asked how I knew and I told him... the Internet is a wealth of information - he felt busted... I felt relieved.
I have a friend, she's had problems with her husband, for years really... and she's found things about him... dating sites with actual correspondence between him and other women - plans they were making to meet and hook up... and when she asked him about it he was appalled... how dare she look... check up on him. And she laughed... and she said to me, "Belle, he really believed it and tried to turn it around on me, tried to tell me that now HE couldn't trust ME." Yeah, funny huh?
Two words people - Pola roid
8.22.2009
Birthday Girl
I think she had the best birthday ever, courtesy of a cell phone and a pocket book. I need to get a picture of her wearing the sunglasses her brother gave her - ("Dol-say and gab-anna, who 'dat is?" Name that movie...) It's so hard for me to believe she's now 14 and in high school... where has all the time gone? My beautiful, smart, sweet gal... she's a gem.
8.19.2009
Automotive Update...
Ahhh well... I took my car up to the dealership today - it's been making this humming sound... gotten louder, and I've been worried about what's causing it... and because I'm really all by my lonesome with a teenage girl (it's slightly freaking me out that she's turning 14 and in HIGH SCHOOL) I know that I can't really be without reliable transportation. To add to that, I don't really have anyone reliable too call if/when the car decides to die on me... so... I used a sick day today, made an appointment and took it up to the big city. Well... It will cost me just under 2 grand to get it fixed - and actually that's sorta a deal. It really figures - lol - because I paid the sucker off a few months ago... lol... ahhhhhhmmmmm.
The front wheel bearings have issues - so they are being replaced... had the back ones replaced two years ago, and guess what? Front ones are more expensive to replace apparently than back ones... go figure. Also, there is a question about my transmission. Now that is still under a partial type warranty and they said they could flush it (which would be several hundred dollars) or use the warranty and have it replaced at a very reduced cost to me. SO.... I'm sorta hedging my bets here a little... I only have about 15,000 miles until the warranty is useless... it's only money, right?
I'm ok though, actually, really... funny, the guy was getting my rental car ready (a mini coop) and another guy was sitting there too... and little quips were flying about and I said something like, ahhh well... not what I had really wanted to deal with but I guess I gotta look on the bright side of the whole thing, be a glass half full kinda gal - and they guy laughed and he said something about it seeming like my glass was more than half full... that my attitude was a really good one under the circumstances - and I said yeah, but what am I gonna do - it definitely could be worse.... And I'm not really stressing... it is what it is -
I'm taking advantage of the day off work - I stopped by the grocery store and ordered the girl's cookie cake for Saturday. She didn't want a cake - wanted a cookie so that's what she'll get... and I'm having them put sunflowers on it as opposed to roses - because, well, I love sunflowers and she's sorta my sunshiny girl and it fits... and then I went by the cell phone store and got the cell phone she wanted (and has no idea she's going to get). Ya see I've had a third line on my plan for four years now... got it for son's gf so I could avoid a repeat of the crazy phone bill I had the first month they were at school... it worked really well but now we have the whole friends and family deal thing and they are both out of college, gf doesn't need the extra line and it's time for daughter to have it... but my little snob of a diva doesn't like the current phone so I got a different one (at a very reduced cost - being a VIP and all) and I will wrap it and she will have a huge surprise for Saturday. I also changed our mobile plan some too... it's hard to keep up with all the changes and deals... so now we're up to date! It didn't hurt that the little fella helping me was so friendly...
Whew... Maybe if I listen to that enough I'll start to believe it?
The front wheel bearings have issues - so they are being replaced... had the back ones replaced two years ago, and guess what? Front ones are more expensive to replace apparently than back ones... go figure. Also, there is a question about my transmission. Now that is still under a partial type warranty and they said they could flush it (which would be several hundred dollars) or use the warranty and have it replaced at a very reduced cost to me. SO.... I'm sorta hedging my bets here a little... I only have about 15,000 miles until the warranty is useless... it's only money, right?
I'm ok though, actually, really... funny, the guy was getting my rental car ready (a mini coop) and another guy was sitting there too... and little quips were flying about and I said something like, ahhh well... not what I had really wanted to deal with but I guess I gotta look on the bright side of the whole thing, be a glass half full kinda gal - and they guy laughed and he said something about it seeming like my glass was more than half full... that my attitude was a really good one under the circumstances - and I said yeah, but what am I gonna do - it definitely could be worse.... And I'm not really stressing... it is what it is -
I'm taking advantage of the day off work - I stopped by the grocery store and ordered the girl's cookie cake for Saturday. She didn't want a cake - wanted a cookie so that's what she'll get... and I'm having them put sunflowers on it as opposed to roses - because, well, I love sunflowers and she's sorta my sunshiny girl and it fits... and then I went by the cell phone store and got the cell phone she wanted (and has no idea she's going to get). Ya see I've had a third line on my plan for four years now... got it for son's gf so I could avoid a repeat of the crazy phone bill I had the first month they were at school... it worked really well but now we have the whole friends and family deal thing and they are both out of college, gf doesn't need the extra line and it's time for daughter to have it... but my little snob of a diva doesn't like the current phone so I got a different one (at a very reduced cost - being a VIP and all) and I will wrap it and she will have a huge surprise for Saturday. I also changed our mobile plan some too... it's hard to keep up with all the changes and deals... so now we're up to date! It didn't hurt that the little fella helping me was so friendly...
Whew... Maybe if I listen to that enough I'll start to believe it?
8.18.2009
The Texting Ex
I received a text today from the ex. Highly unusual. Highly. He wanted to see if Friday was a good night for his family to celebrate daughter's birthday... his mother and I had already discussed it on Sunday and then again this morning. I don't mind getting the text... I wouldn't mind if he called... we aren't chit chatting, we're discussing our children, and I can do anything for the kids. I've never made it difficult for him to call. I don't typically make lots of small talk, I'm fine getting down to business. I don't rehash the past events with him... I don't question him (well of course I did when his gf left because she was pregnant but hey, cut me some slack... who wouldn't?). On the rare occasions he has called to see daughter or talk to her I've accommodated him. I have not been a road block between him and the kids.
So I get this text asking about Friday and it's all apologetic - "I'm sorry for bothering you, but..." Huh? Why does he have to put that in there about bothering me? So I text back and say, yes Friday is fine. And I get a text back from him, "Thanks - didn't mean to bother you - I'm sorry." HUH? So I texted back and said, "No problem, not a bother, it's always good when you want to spend time with her."
But really it's typical - the whole "I'm sorry... I'm nothing but a pest... I'm a piece of shit." And it's tiresome and it's one of the reasons I don't initiate much contact with him... it never turns out well because it's all about him... all about how miserable his existence is... how miserable he makes everyone else. He floats around the outer circle of whatever interaction is taking place - always relegating himself to the role of an outsider. I suppose that's true though - I suppose he is an outsider. And that's a sad state... for him... for the kids... but I have no sympathy, I callously contend - I ran out of it at some point years ago. Perhaps that's wrong, something to discuss in therapy I would suppose, but I waited for years, waited for him to turn a corner, waited for him to make an effort, waited for him to engage himself by stepping into the circle... but he never did... in fact, he burned some bridges that just couldn't be repaired and he did so knowing full well the ramifications of his actions. I, therefore, have no sympathy.
I think what gets me the most, what played a prominent role in the depletion of the sympathy silo, is the knowledge his words didn't, and still don't, match his actions... don't say you're a piece of shit - don't say you hate yourself and turn around and do the exact behaviors that make you so. Achieving any kind of self awareness is a journey - I get that, Lord have mercy I get that - but any person with a modicum of intelligence has got to reach the point where he can acknowledge two things: 1. Behavior is an extension of self worth, and 2. I can control my behavior therefore I can determine my self worth. It's not about making mistakes - we all do that, we all fall short, it's what we do in the aftermath of those mistakes that becomes the determining factor.
So... there ya go... it's a small thing - the "I'm sorry to bother you" but it's something I've heard for years and years and years... it's a manipulation and it's code for so much more. Please, just make simple, straight forward contact: polite, respectful, to the point. The time for I'm sorrys has long passed us by....
So I get this text asking about Friday and it's all apologetic - "I'm sorry for bothering you, but..." Huh? Why does he have to put that in there about bothering me? So I text back and say, yes Friday is fine. And I get a text back from him, "Thanks - didn't mean to bother you - I'm sorry." HUH? So I texted back and said, "No problem, not a bother, it's always good when you want to spend time with her."
But really it's typical - the whole "I'm sorry... I'm nothing but a pest... I'm a piece of shit." And it's tiresome and it's one of the reasons I don't initiate much contact with him... it never turns out well because it's all about him... all about how miserable his existence is... how miserable he makes everyone else. He floats around the outer circle of whatever interaction is taking place - always relegating himself to the role of an outsider. I suppose that's true though - I suppose he is an outsider. And that's a sad state... for him... for the kids... but I have no sympathy, I callously contend - I ran out of it at some point years ago. Perhaps that's wrong, something to discuss in therapy I would suppose, but I waited for years, waited for him to turn a corner, waited for him to make an effort, waited for him to engage himself by stepping into the circle... but he never did... in fact, he burned some bridges that just couldn't be repaired and he did so knowing full well the ramifications of his actions. I, therefore, have no sympathy.
I think what gets me the most, what played a prominent role in the depletion of the sympathy silo, is the knowledge his words didn't, and still don't, match his actions... don't say you're a piece of shit - don't say you hate yourself and turn around and do the exact behaviors that make you so. Achieving any kind of self awareness is a journey - I get that, Lord have mercy I get that - but any person with a modicum of intelligence has got to reach the point where he can acknowledge two things: 1. Behavior is an extension of self worth, and 2. I can control my behavior therefore I can determine my self worth. It's not about making mistakes - we all do that, we all fall short, it's what we do in the aftermath of those mistakes that becomes the determining factor.
So... there ya go... it's a small thing - the "I'm sorry to bother you" but it's something I've heard for years and years and years... it's a manipulation and it's code for so much more. Please, just make simple, straight forward contact: polite, respectful, to the point. The time for I'm sorrys has long passed us by....
8.17.2009
Therapy
I mentioned earlier this month I was going back to therapy - and I did, last week - had my first session with her - well not the first because after all I've been there before... but the first session of the latest attempt... yeah, there ya go... that's how to describe it. Well, when I sat down on the couch and she asked me what was up I told her I had to find a way to stop living in my head - I have to finally get to a place where I'm not doing that anymore - where I can function in the here and now without the overwhelming urge to run to the dark recesses of my mind when I get sad, or uncomfortable, or lonely, or stressed, or...
She said she got it, she understood - she's been with me for a long time - from the beginning - and it's nice to have someone who gets the whole dynamic. She told me I knew what to do - she said I just don't believe it - yet... so I go back on Thursday...
Use Somebody
But I've been thinking - is it really so bad for me to be living in my head? It's gotten me by so far.. allbeit less than fulfilling... but still - managable. I've learned some things too, while living up there... I'm very sure about what I want and don't want, which really comes from a combination of several things, one of which is all that time spent in my head - but it also comes from a tad bit of experience too: an unsatisfying marriage, an ill fated after separation romance, a good looking single dad who ended up being a great guy but someone I'm not the least bit attracted to - and the funny thing about him is that he's sorta in the same place I am post divorce. He's had a few relationships since his separation and divorce, two actually, and he'll tell you he entered into them for the wrong reasons... and after a while it dawned on him that neither was really what he wanted... and he knows what he wants now and he's not in any hurry to make it happen - he's quite content to wait and let it happen... and that's impressed me... and made me feel like not such a dorky romantic floundering around in the land of make believe because I sorta feel the same way (well, minus the not in a hurry part).
So Thursday I'll go back... and we'll talk some more and I think, at the suggestion of a friend, I'll take a few things I've written. I'll let ya know...
She said she got it, she understood - she's been with me for a long time - from the beginning - and it's nice to have someone who gets the whole dynamic. She told me I knew what to do - she said I just don't believe it - yet... so I go back on Thursday...
Use Somebody
But I've been thinking - is it really so bad for me to be living in my head? It's gotten me by so far.. allbeit less than fulfilling... but still - managable. I've learned some things too, while living up there... I'm very sure about what I want and don't want, which really comes from a combination of several things, one of which is all that time spent in my head - but it also comes from a tad bit of experience too: an unsatisfying marriage, an ill fated after separation romance, a good looking single dad who ended up being a great guy but someone I'm not the least bit attracted to - and the funny thing about him is that he's sorta in the same place I am post divorce. He's had a few relationships since his separation and divorce, two actually, and he'll tell you he entered into them for the wrong reasons... and after a while it dawned on him that neither was really what he wanted... and he knows what he wants now and he's not in any hurry to make it happen - he's quite content to wait and let it happen... and that's impressed me... and made me feel like not such a dorky romantic floundering around in the land of make believe because I sorta feel the same way (well, minus the not in a hurry part).
So Thursday I'll go back... and we'll talk some more and I think, at the suggestion of a friend, I'll take a few things I've written. I'll let ya know...
8.16.2009
August
No Surprise
My daughter's birthday is right around the corner. She'll be 14 in less than a week and she starts high school tomorrow - seems like just a blink of an eye since she was born, and now she's heading toward graduation and college. I can remember the events leading up to her birth so clearly - I actually remember the pregnancy so clearly - which is sorta odd... but not really odd I guess... it's just that it seems like from the moment I found out I was pregnant I began living in this little world that consisted of just her and me. That's not entirely true, of course - I had my eight year old son and I had a husband - I had a part time job and I had a semester of school to finish... and I did all those things, took care of everyone - and I was happy and content while doing it. But as I carried her, and the pregnancy progressed, I was in this little self contained bubble that consisted of me and this little life inside me. I would fall asleep at night cradling my tummy and have the most peaceful moments I've ever experienced as I drifted off to sleep.
Perhaps that's why this bond she and I have now isn't so odd to me. People look at the two of us and comment about how much she and I look alike - and they always say how beautiful she is - which makes me chuckle a little - equating her looking like me and beauty in the same vein... but she is me, a better me - and yet she's all herself too.
She had definitely gotten the short end of the stick throughout all this shifting in circumstance. Her dad missed her tenth birthday - and that was before he left - months before he left... and now we know why. He had other people he wanted to be with more than he wanted to be with his daughter. That was also the first year her brother was in college and so he'd already gone to school and he wasn't here either. And so it went - each year after... and I did what I could to make it special for her. We'd go out, we'd see a movie... I tied balloons to the porch last year and we had cookie cake at her request. Each year her dad MIA... and some years I had more money than others - but I did what I could.
This year will be different... her brother is here - her dad lives ten minutes away with his parents and so they are all getting together the night before her birthday for a celebration. Her cousin's birthday is the day before hers and he is turning nine - so this year, for the first time, we are having a joint party. We've not attempted this before because my sister in law has always wanted him to have his own party... which has been fine. My mom, though, this year sorta insisted that we do it together since the party was to be on daughter's day anyway. So this year will be different... and yet she seems underwhelmed.
I suppose all the hoopla surrounding her birthday this year is a departure... for several years now it's been the two of us - and we've become comfortable with one another. I think she and I had been shell shocked at first... both of us longing for the familiar cadence of our previous existence - the sounds and the sights, the lights and the chatter. It all disappeared, seemingly over night - and all we had was each other. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not fighting this year's dynamic - I'm not complaining or lamenting. She looks to me for the temperature, the atmospheric pressure - this is not something I take lightly, not something I choose to abuse. I celebrate the opportunities and carve out moments for the two of us - blending the two worlds the best I can...
I suppose those feelings I had during my pregnancy were a type of foreshadowing. I had no concept then and I'm sure the reality is that one has nothing to do with the other.... regardless we've fared well, the girl and I - and now, approaching 14, life is just now getting interesting.
My daughter's birthday is right around the corner. She'll be 14 in less than a week and she starts high school tomorrow - seems like just a blink of an eye since she was born, and now she's heading toward graduation and college. I can remember the events leading up to her birth so clearly - I actually remember the pregnancy so clearly - which is sorta odd... but not really odd I guess... it's just that it seems like from the moment I found out I was pregnant I began living in this little world that consisted of just her and me. That's not entirely true, of course - I had my eight year old son and I had a husband - I had a part time job and I had a semester of school to finish... and I did all those things, took care of everyone - and I was happy and content while doing it. But as I carried her, and the pregnancy progressed, I was in this little self contained bubble that consisted of me and this little life inside me. I would fall asleep at night cradling my tummy and have the most peaceful moments I've ever experienced as I drifted off to sleep.
Perhaps that's why this bond she and I have now isn't so odd to me. People look at the two of us and comment about how much she and I look alike - and they always say how beautiful she is - which makes me chuckle a little - equating her looking like me and beauty in the same vein... but she is me, a better me - and yet she's all herself too.
She had definitely gotten the short end of the stick throughout all this shifting in circumstance. Her dad missed her tenth birthday - and that was before he left - months before he left... and now we know why. He had other people he wanted to be with more than he wanted to be with his daughter. That was also the first year her brother was in college and so he'd already gone to school and he wasn't here either. And so it went - each year after... and I did what I could to make it special for her. We'd go out, we'd see a movie... I tied balloons to the porch last year and we had cookie cake at her request. Each year her dad MIA... and some years I had more money than others - but I did what I could.
This year will be different... her brother is here - her dad lives ten minutes away with his parents and so they are all getting together the night before her birthday for a celebration. Her cousin's birthday is the day before hers and he is turning nine - so this year, for the first time, we are having a joint party. We've not attempted this before because my sister in law has always wanted him to have his own party... which has been fine. My mom, though, this year sorta insisted that we do it together since the party was to be on daughter's day anyway. So this year will be different... and yet she seems underwhelmed.
I suppose all the hoopla surrounding her birthday this year is a departure... for several years now it's been the two of us - and we've become comfortable with one another. I think she and I had been shell shocked at first... both of us longing for the familiar cadence of our previous existence - the sounds and the sights, the lights and the chatter. It all disappeared, seemingly over night - and all we had was each other. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not fighting this year's dynamic - I'm not complaining or lamenting. She looks to me for the temperature, the atmospheric pressure - this is not something I take lightly, not something I choose to abuse. I celebrate the opportunities and carve out moments for the two of us - blending the two worlds the best I can...
I suppose those feelings I had during my pregnancy were a type of foreshadowing. I had no concept then and I'm sure the reality is that one has nothing to do with the other.... regardless we've fared well, the girl and I - and now, approaching 14, life is just now getting interesting.
8.12.2009
8.09.2009
Sigh
This song is so unbelievably sad to me... Last Request
Beach week is over... sigh... the drive home wasn't so bad and now back to reality - how depressing... but it's not really... that's the whole point of vacation, eh? You go away to decompress... change the routine... so you can come back and stomach reality for a little while longer.
Therapy starts tomorrow - perhaps it will give me things to write about... until then I have this...
I have fair skin... not totally pale and chalky but fair. When I'm at the beach I wear sunscreen... at least a 30 but I always end up getting a little burn somewhere. This year I brought home a little redness here and there - the worst of it being on my face... especially my lips. Yesterday they felt like I'd had collagen injections - really bad collagen injections at that. They are better today - still sore - ish but not nearly as swollen as they were. In a few days they will be peeling... I can feel it already... argh.
Beach week is over... sigh... the drive home wasn't so bad and now back to reality - how depressing... but it's not really... that's the whole point of vacation, eh? You go away to decompress... change the routine... so you can come back and stomach reality for a little while longer.
Therapy starts tomorrow - perhaps it will give me things to write about... until then I have this...
I have fair skin... not totally pale and chalky but fair. When I'm at the beach I wear sunscreen... at least a 30 but I always end up getting a little burn somewhere. This year I brought home a little redness here and there - the worst of it being on my face... especially my lips. Yesterday they felt like I'd had collagen injections - really bad collagen injections at that. They are better today - still sore - ish but not nearly as swollen as they were. In a few days they will be peeling... I can feel it already... argh.
8.05.2009
Beach!
Belle is at the beach and it's a beautiful thing... just had lunch after spending the morning by the water... waiting on a storm to pass so we can go sit by the pool....
8.01.2009
Another Day
I've decided to go back to therapy. It's been a long haul - the last three years - and I've had some ups and some downs... more downs perhaps than ups, and I just feel this need to finally sort it all out, once and for all. I've got this great new insurance coverage, and when I called the therapist on Friday and left her a message she called back pretty quickly - which I took as a good sign. I did go back into therapy after the ex left... went for a while and for some reason it kinda fell flat and I didn't get the opportunity to continue it - it might have been a money issue at the time - and then I went back a year and a half ago - hoping to solve all the ills then and I went a few times and our schedules got in the way and it all fell by the wayside. Now it should be better... I have good coverage, I have a flexible schedule and I have nothing standing in my way... I'll simply take my day planner with me every time I go...
I've had a bit of a struggle this week - one I'm not sure I want to talk about just yet... it surprised me though, and the fact I was surprised by it surprises me. I should be immune by now to such things but obviously I'm not. I've had some supportive friends, a real change for me from this time three years ago - and I've reached out more and accepted their care and concern and their sympathetic ear. I went out with my best girl friend and had dinner (half a bowl of soup - I'm definitely NOT an emotional eater) and then she and I went by our male friend's appartment for a drink (which I didn't even come close to finishing). But it was so nice to be there with people who cared. I even got a foot rub - and to be honest with you I think that's the first time a man has ever done that for me - it was heavenly and he was in no hurry to stop (good thing I'd had a pedicure a few days ago). Then the evening got silly and my gf got out some music for dancing and we all pranced around the room doing something that sorta, kinda, maybe resembled dancing. It was definitely an almost pee-in-your-pants good time. We laughed so hard!
I know this feeling will pass. I know it will... it always does. But what I'm wondering is why it's like this at all. I guess that's what's called life - I don't know. I can't figure out why it's this hard though - can't figure out why it all has to be so complicated. I can't figure out why good things can't just happen and can't just stay - why can't it be simple? I guess a naive part of me just kept thinking that after all I've been through, the pain, the heartache, the struggle -that somewhere there would be a reward - that the things I most want and desire would eventually be mine - and I guess, perhaps, it still could be - but my heart, my spirit, gets broken and beaten down a little bit more everyday - and it's hard for even the most optimistic and hopeful person not to feel like they've hit that brick wall.
The sun comes up in the morning - it always does... and for some reason what works for others just doesn't seem to work for me - and I 've got to figure out why - thus back to therapy. When I spoke to the therapist I kinda said, "You'd think I would have figured this out by now." And she said no. She said, "What you've been through, how long it all went on, it's no wonder you feel the way you do." And so we made the appointment... couldn't do it next week because I will be at the beach but will do it the day after we get home... good for me. yeah. :-)
So... for now - in the words of my foot rubbing friend, " Time will heal dear."
I've had a bit of a struggle this week - one I'm not sure I want to talk about just yet... it surprised me though, and the fact I was surprised by it surprises me. I should be immune by now to such things but obviously I'm not. I've had some supportive friends, a real change for me from this time three years ago - and I've reached out more and accepted their care and concern and their sympathetic ear. I went out with my best girl friend and had dinner (half a bowl of soup - I'm definitely NOT an emotional eater) and then she and I went by our male friend's appartment for a drink (which I didn't even come close to finishing). But it was so nice to be there with people who cared. I even got a foot rub - and to be honest with you I think that's the first time a man has ever done that for me - it was heavenly and he was in no hurry to stop (good thing I'd had a pedicure a few days ago). Then the evening got silly and my gf got out some music for dancing and we all pranced around the room doing something that sorta, kinda, maybe resembled dancing. It was definitely an almost pee-in-your-pants good time. We laughed so hard!
I know this feeling will pass. I know it will... it always does. But what I'm wondering is why it's like this at all. I guess that's what's called life - I don't know. I can't figure out why it's this hard though - can't figure out why it all has to be so complicated. I can't figure out why good things can't just happen and can't just stay - why can't it be simple? I guess a naive part of me just kept thinking that after all I've been through, the pain, the heartache, the struggle -that somewhere there would be a reward - that the things I most want and desire would eventually be mine - and I guess, perhaps, it still could be - but my heart, my spirit, gets broken and beaten down a little bit more everyday - and it's hard for even the most optimistic and hopeful person not to feel like they've hit that brick wall.
The sun comes up in the morning - it always does... and for some reason what works for others just doesn't seem to work for me - and I 've got to figure out why - thus back to therapy. When I spoke to the therapist I kinda said, "You'd think I would have figured this out by now." And she said no. She said, "What you've been through, how long it all went on, it's no wonder you feel the way you do." And so we made the appointment... couldn't do it next week because I will be at the beach but will do it the day after we get home... good for me. yeah. :-)
So... for now - in the words of my foot rubbing friend, " Time will heal dear."
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