Another Day, Another (200) Dollar(s)

Today was another one of those days... something unexpected came up and it didn't rattle me. Woohoo! The day didn't go as planned but it was perfectly ok... perfectly. My baby girl is sick :-( and I had to rearrange the day - me, just me. You see that used to bother me, used to make me feel horrible. I had no one to help me, no one to call on to pick up the slack, coordinate with, manage the day. I often felt overwhelmed. What I've learned though is I can do it all just fine by myself, thank you. I really must be in a good place these days!

Daughter woke up this morning and her right eye was bloodshot and the area around her eye was swollen... and she's been really congested and sorta lethargic. I think the pollen has wreaked havoc with her and the allergy mess has settled into the right side of her face and taken hold. So I left her at home this morning while I went to work and while driving to work I spent twenty-one minutes on the phone waiting to make an appointment with the doctor. I got an appointment for her at 3 and by 4:30 we'd seen the doctor, been given three prescriptions and paid the $104 bill. Then it was off to the Walmart store where we got the scripts filled and did some grocery shopping... all good and healthy wonderful things, I must say. She's sleeping right now... bless her heart.

The doctor was really nice, took his time, which was a pleasant change. Last time she was sick we were in the exam room all of five minutes. All is taken care of now... she's doped up on an antibiotic and a steroid to help with the inflammation - and some eye drops which are probably unnecessary, but we'll use 'em. And she's taking the allergy meds... whew. The doctor kinda surprised her I think... he was asking her about her symptoms and then said, "And when was your last menstrual period?" She turned her head and just stared at me, almost like she was thinking is this guy for real? So I said, "Last week right?" (cause she and I are every man's worst nightmare - synchronized cycles) and she agreed. Another monumental first in our mother/daughter relationship. sigh.

That was the day: expensive, busy, done. Whew :-)

Saturday Night Silliness

Gosh, they make me smile!

This weekend felt a lot like a turning point. But maybe that's wrong. Maybe it's not a turning point so much as a settling, a return to normality - at least something that resembles normality for us. It's us. Us against the world... no, that's not right, it's us in the world... us part of the world. It's a wonderful feeling, getting to this point. Driving back Saturday night from the dance competition, from dinner, from the doughnut run, on our way to rent a movie, during all the laughter and silliness it was so clear to me that this is it - this is what it's all about... and I am so thankful, so blessed to have it... to experience it... to be wrapped in the wonderment of it all. I live a privileged life!

I've been feeling lately like I've finally come through it, finally reached the other side. I am a happy person now. I can finally say that, finally feel it's sustainable. Oh there are glitches, moments every now and then where life doesn't go exactly as I expect it to... but that's all the minor little mishaps life throws at you - the car accident last week, such a very minor moment compared to the last three years. It's funny, my reaction to it, and I didn't even realize it then, but it makes me laugh now to think about it, to know that peace has become such a constant part of my life that I don't even think about it anymore. The guy in the semi truck ran into me and I was upset, but I didn't see it as a personal attack by God, or the devil, or karma... it was just what it was - an unfortunate accident... an irritation that I have to attend to... nothing less nothing more.

Huh... and to think three years ago I never could have imagined it.

Tug of War

My father called Monday night to tell me he was "bowing out of J's graduation." Just like that... as I've mentioned before, my parents don't have the warm fuzzies for ex's parents. And it's really nothing I had any control over... it's not like I ran to my parents and "tattled" on his parents - "Oh, mommy and daddy... let me tell you what they did... they met HER and I didn't know about HER... but they met HER and hugged HER and high fived HER." It was the other way around... they told me, and ever since then I've been trying to reconcile what happened with doing what's best for the kids. Lots of times I swallow stuff... like we still go to the same church. Silly not to really, I mean I could have found another church but I like it there and the kids have grown up there - J was confirmed there, R baptized there, soon to be confirmed also - we have a history there... roots... and it was silly to change that... so I could have decided to sit somewhere else... not sit with the ex mother in law... but then the kids would have to choose where they wanted to sit - and then they would have felt bad about either choice... and I wasn't going to do that to them... it was silly (have I said that before?). So I've swallowed a lot of stuff... and there will come a day when I can either choose to continue a relationship with them, apart from the kids, or I can let it go and not speak to them again. I'm not sure what I will do then... not worried about it until it happens. But my parents... that is a different story.

I was looking forward to them being at J's graduation with me... it felt like I had an intact family - like I wasn't facing it all alone... that I would have some support there. Dad, I suppose, has decided he just can't do it... he just can't swallow any of it long enough to be there. And if I am honest about it that hurts me. To me, this isn't about the in laws, it's about J and me... but to my parents it's not... to my parents it is about the in laws and they just won't do it - I guess they are "taking a stand" which to me, is (duh) silly at this point. Now to be fair, I don't know what mom's plans are. She's not said - dad only said HE was bowing out. I guess mom expected me to call her, question her, inquire about the situation but ya know, I just don't have the energy. It's not worth the fight... it's not for me to attempt and pry information out of her. It's (again) silly. Childish. It's Thursday night and I've yet to hear from either of them... not surprising.

It hurt me, at first. Once again I felt like they'd let me down, not an unfamiliar feeling in my parental relationship. I'm older now though, and once I thought about it, once I talked to a few friends, I sorta found some peace in the situation. I will not let anyone else's attitude shadow that day... I will enjoy it for all it's wondrous glory. My parents are the ones missing out... they are allowing their feelings to keep them from something important. So be it. The in laws are oblivious. My folks aren't "punishing" anyone with this behavior, only themselves. To me, if my parents feel this strongly about it then they need to contact the in laws and tell them so. I will not be the rope in this tug of war.

And today was a big day for me. I had a job interview - if I get this job it will be huge for me, not necessarily tons of money but it will mean a great deal to me and the kids. My parents knew this and still I've yet to hear from them. I was talking to a dear friend this afternoon and when I told him they'd not called he was surprised. I said you see, this is how it is. And it's ok. They live in their own little world and to expect anything else from them is (yep) silly. It's disappointing, sure - but I've managed thus far, and I'm tired of the drama, tired of juggling the balls. I'm letting them drop, one by one... falling to the ground and bouncing around... eventually stopping some place, scattered about on the floor. And guess what? The world hasn't ended.

I heard this tonight... sometimes I forget how much I love her voice - Don't Know Why.

Hindsight

Hindsight is 20/20 “they” always say… and I suppose that’s true. We often look back on life, look back on choices and moments and actions and wonder if what we did was right… wonder if perhaps we should have charted a different course, or wandered down that less trodden path sooner rather than later. I think about that sometimes. Not as often as I used to but still… it creeps into my thoughts every now and then.

This morning I remembered a moment some ten, eleven years ago when my ex husband came home and said he just wasn’t happy anymore. I think it was August, and the kids played outside while he and I sat under the huge oak tree in the yard behind the house. He said he wasn’t happy and he wanted to be happy and he just didn’t think he loved me anymore. It rocked me to my core… shook my foundation… and I had to get away so I took a drive. In truth he didn’t know what he wanted to do so we started marriage counseling. That was the beginning of the decade long descent into hell. The therapist suggested he was depressed. There were doctors and therapist and medications and hospitals and suicide letters and a whole host of waters to navigate. I watched this man I loved and trusted, this man I knew to be a good man, become someone I didn’t know. I watched him make choices that ultimately tore apart a family – choices that still reverberate and affect what happens to all of us to this day.

I didn’t callously and quickly just give up. I fought the depression, I waged the war, seemingly alone much of the time. But of course he was waging his own war, locked deep inside himself… fighting to stay afloat. But I think at some point he gave up… and like a doctor who works for much longer than he should to perform CPR on a dead patient I was finally forced to let it go too. I was beating that proverbial dead horse. I tried so hard to get people to listen, tried so hard to get people to help… but doctors only saw it as a cookie cutter diagnosis, it was all too much for the therapist because he wouldn’t work with her, wouldn’t open up, and his parents didn’t want to talk about it or acknowledge it. I was alone.

I was alone for a long time. It did its damage… fighting the depression and the loneliness and the blame… fighting him. Oh not fighting in the sense that we argued, or exchanged heated words… but fighting his reality, fighting his perceptions. What I finally learned was that it didn’t matter; I was indeed fighting a losing battle. I wasn’t ever going to win – at least not fighting that war – so I laid down the sword and I took off the armor and I walked off the battle field. Done.

I’m not sure what about today made me think of that moment under the tree… for some reason it made me wonder what it would have been like if I had just let it all go then, if I had, at that moment, just packed it all in and said ok... over, done. I'd have survived then like I have now... I would have picked up the pieces and moved forward, but it would have been different - in good ways and in bad. Maybe I would have missed some lessons, missed some people, missed some experiences. I think though, it all happens in its own time, at its own pace... this life. I coulda, I shoulda, but I didn't. Hindsight.

Spoke too soon...

four.

Three...

Last night I discovered another little dead mouse... now we're up to three.

Kitty, Kitty

I will say up front, I am not a cat person. My brother was always the cat person. Funny story: When my bro was in middle school he had a cat... an outside cat that he liked to let in the house. My mom would get so frustrated when he would do that, she'd always say, "That cat is gonna shit in this house!" But he'd still let the cat in the house... and then one day - lol - the cat took a dump on my brother's pillow - yep... HAHAHAHA.... So despite the fact I am not a "cat person" I have two cats... outdoor cats that DO NOT come in the house. They are strays that some how ended up here... must have liked the look of the place and decided to take up residence. The first, Snowball, showed up about three years ago. I ignored her until one day it became very apparent she was in heat (the fifty-seven yowling tomcats were kinda a tip off) so we got a metal cage, rigged a trap and attempted to take her to the vet to be fixed. The first attempt was going well until son and I tried to load the cage into the back of the car and the bottom of the cage dropped out and the cat took off... second time around we were much smarter and actually managed to get the cat to the vet for her "procedure" which set me back to the tune of a hundred or so bucks. Then last year Bridget showed up... and we did the whole in heat, capture, fix, pay, release deal again. Gee... and I don't even like these critters!

Bridget and Snowball hang around. When we come home at night from dance they are waiting in the driveway for their dinner. Bridget adores George the dog and she will follow him around the yard... I'll often look out the kitchen window and see a long black dog tail go by followed by a long fuzzy cat tail... she's not the least bit afraid of him... she'll rub against him while he sits on the deck. It's a hoot! She's also a homebody - she doesn't really wander far off very far, lounges on the deck furniture and will often jump onto the porch swing just to say hello.

Snowball is the opposite in many ways. She is terrified of George the dog and she'll run if she thinks he's anywhere around. She takes off to explore and can often be seen coming out of the woods as she heads back to the house. She will let me pet her while she eats, seeming to enjoy the attention, but she never purrs. She doesn't relax, always on alert.

Last Saturday, after getting the mail, I was walking back into the house and I paused at the door... looking over the mail for the day, and out of the corner of my eye I spied a little grey fuzzy decapitated mouse. It startled me a little and my son came to the door wondering what was wrong. I showed him the mouse and he scooped it up with a shovel and threw it into the bushes. He laughed... said "Wow mom, your kitties really love you, didn't you like their present?" Well... um... yes, it was a very sweet gesture.... but I really didn't want to hold it in my hand, bring it in the house and place it by my bedside... ewwww.

Yesterday I was once again getting the mail... walking absently to the front door and I happened to spot another furry gray creature out of the corner of my eye (it still had its head)... yep... they did it again... another "love offering" for me... I'm just the luckiest girl in the world. The funny thing is I'm not really sure which cat is expressing her deep devotion for me. Bridget would be the logical candidate, but for some reason I can't shake the idea it's really Snowball... as I am typing this she is sitting on the ledge of the kitchen window... looking in, perhaps looking for me.

Animals are funny things. Also, as I am typing this, George the dog is lying at my feet, waiting for me to give the signal that it's bed time. The cats leave me presents, the dog feels the need to accompany me to the bathroom everytime I have the urge to go. They can be a frustrating lot, these four legged companions, but they certainly make life interesting!

The Suit

I went shopping with my children today... a rainy, thunderstormy day... a perfect day for spending loads of money! Everyone returned home with treasures, wonderfully, expensive little treasures (I can't believe how much money I spent). To be honest, I'm surprised the bank didn't call and ask me if someone had taken my debit card... it most definitely got a workout today. J (son) needed black trousers and black shoes to wear to graduation. Not a requirement mind you... just the cap and gown are black and I felt like it would be a much cleaner, more polished look to have black pants, and besides he could use them for job interviews and the like... so we all drove up to the big city... me, R (daughter), J and H (J's gf). H and R went to look at "girl stuff" and left J and me alone... wow... can't tell you when the last time that happened - well actually I can. J and I had lunch together in January before he left to go back to school. So ok... I make it sound like it never happens... but in truth it rarely happens. Sheesh... semantics.

So J and I are left alone in the department store and the older portly gentleman who has been there forever asks if he can help us and I tell him I am looking for black pants... he asks if I want a suit and I told him I wasn't opposed to a suit, J has a navy sports coat and several pairs of khaki pants, but I thought perhaps something in black for job interviews. The gentleman says no - not black, and he looks at J, literally sizing him up, and pulls a Ralph Lauren grey pinstripe suit coat off the rack and J puts it on and - oh, my, goodness... perfect! So he's wearing the coat and he takes the black trousers and the matching grey trousers and tries them both on... coming out of the fitting room after each to show me... and wow... all I can say is wow. The little ladies waiting on their husbands all looked at him and then looked at me and said - my, what a nice looking young man. I smiled back and said thank you... he most certainly is.

We purchased the coat, the two pairs of pants, a tailored white shirt, a new tie, socks, shoes and a belt . I knew the bill was going to be substantial, and it was - but it was worth every penny. He's ready now... ready to go on job interviews, ready to face the world - and it all feels really final... but not in a bad way... really in a good way - baby bird is ready to fly - and I made that possible... and I did really well... and it makes my eyes tear up but I'm not sad, not frightened, not desperate - I feel a sense of accomplishment. And I'm so very proud of him. My mind took another little mental photograph for my scrapbook. I'll never forget the image of him standing there in the store - suit coat, trousers and that smile - that smile said it all... and I'm glad I got to see it... glad I got to share this with him... this silly ritual of buying a suit.

Flawless

Just in case you were wondering...

Picture day went well. She was a peach... an absolutely perfect peach... photos started at 3:30 and the last picture was taken at 9:45... and it was of daughter. Throughout the whole evening she kept her poise and presented herself with grace. It amazes me sometimes just how beautiful she is.... inside and out... and oh, I'm excited about the pictures, they'll be different I think.

It's a gorgeous day... I am washing bed sheets and comforters... giddy about the coming week - it's SPRING BREAK and I don't have to work plus I get paid for it! Can't beat that, huh? I hope the weather holds - I'm looking forward to getting outside and digging around, doing some cleaning in the house. This week is such a great opportunity to slow down and breathe... gather myself... prepare for the next few months of movement and hurry. whew.

I bought son a graduation gift this week... a tiny inexpensive thing but something I hope will be meaningful... something that can be with him as he ventures out into the world, something that can be with him when I can not. It's a worry stone... a polished little stone that he can keep in his pocket or in his nightstand or on his desk... something he can pick up and hold, rub between his thumb and finger when he's anxious or has something on his mind. Perhaps it won't mean much to him now... but the little gift has meaning to me, makes me feel like I'm sending him out prepared, a symbol of all the hard work that's gone into raising and educating him.

I splurged this week and bought tickets to see three Broadway touring company plays this coming season in the big city (no... not NYC). We'll see Chicago, South Pacific, and... drum roll please..................... WICKED! The only way I knew to ensure we got tickets was to purchase the Broadway subscription deal, so now tickets are locked in and I don't have to worry about Wicked selling out when they go on sale in October. It wasn't exactly cheap but it wasn't outrageous either and it sorta was out of character for me, which I like. I'm finally starting to do things I normally would second guess, things I would want to do but talk myself out of doing. Life is just to damn short to sit at home and worry about spending a couple hundred dollars, don't you think?

So there you have it... a sorta week in review... aren't ya glad you checked in to see? hehehe...