Birthdays

June is a rough month.  At the very end of May my dear darling son celebrates the anniversary of his birth.  Then comes a string of celebrations: ex's birthday (ok, not really a celebration but still has to be acknowledged by the kids), Father's Day, a friend's birthday, my dear darling daughter - in - law, and then, me.  It gets sorta overwhelming - the running around, the money, the activities.  I get tried and, well, so does everyone else.  By the time my birthday rolls around everyone else is celebrated out!  It's really ok - I've never been a big showy kinda gal when it comes to those sorts of things.  The acknowledgment is nice and I enjoy the gifts and, when I get one, the CAKE.  I love me some birthday cake.  Have I made that point before?  I have a favorite kind of cake.  From Publix.  Butter cream frosting.  Gotta be the butter cream.  Not the whipped topping.  The B.U.T.T.E.R. C.R.E.A.M. Rarely do I get it though, which is actually a good thing.  Would hate to think I'd get on a sugar/butter cream high and gain back the 34 lbs I've lost.  I don't wanna go there again, now do I? 

So... tomorrow is my birthday.  Well, if I don't finish this post before midnight then it will actually be my birthday today.  Woo hoo! I'm getting old!  I've left the mid range of 40... I've crossed over into the beginning of the end (of my forties that is).  I'm not exactly where I'd hoped I'd be but I'm sure not where I once upon a time was.  I've not paid too much attention to the fact that tomorrow (or today) will be it... truthfully it sorta embarrasses me - this whole getting thing.  I'm not used to having a fuss made over me and it makes me uncomfortable to be honest but we grow, right?  I've been through a lot of changes in the last several years, I've met a lot of people, been a few places.  I've developed some pretty great friendships and it's not really been until recently have I realized just how great they are.  Today was a huge expression of that and I'm still sorta smiling about it now... let me share-

My daughter asked if she could go with a friend and her mom today to shop for a bathing suit.  I didn't think much of it really - it's not so out of the ordinary.  I worked, and would be at the office until at least five.  Lately I've been working until six... six thirty.  It's nearing the end of the fiscal year and lots of data needs to be entered as well as court preparations for next week need to be done.  There are thirteen cases to be heard during the three hours of docket time.  Did I mention there is lots of data to be entered?  Ok, good. Just making sure.  Daughter says, "What time you think you'll be home?  Joan and SMO said they'd be at the house and visit for a few when we get back if you won't be too late."  Nothing out of the ordinary there either. They'll be leaving tomorrow evening for a family vacation.  I said I'd be home about five thirty and, in fact I headed out to make it home at that time.  I get home, walk in the house and there they are - my dear friend, her daughter, her daughter in law, her granddaughter and my daughter - four generations of women waiting for me with streamers and balloons and smiles!  They'd cleaned the house, made dinner and were ready for a party!

Surprised doesn't begin to describe it.

How wonderful to be thought of, to be planned for, to be celebrated!  The dinner was out of this world and they had cake for me - Publix cake with butter cream frosting!  Rebecca had bought me flowers - sunflowers!  My favorites!  I had gifts - a sweet little gift from the girls and my friend, well... she got me a gag gift and it makes me laugh and blush all at the same time.

We've all been reading the Shades of Grey books.  She's finished the three and I'm in the middle of the third now.  Scandalous stuff I tell you but oh so wonderfully sinful and wicked (and honestly I enjoy some sin and wickedness although I don't particularly participate in such things like I might would hope).  So she gives me this gift... a sly smile on her face and she says it's not really my gift - it's a gag gift... and I realize it's probably something I don't want to take out of the bag so I peek in and sure enough... she's bought me a whip!  A WHIP!  What in the world am I going to with a whip?  It's not like I'm even having sex, let alone kinky sex.  It's funny though - very funny!  And it's one of those unabashedly personal gestures that only comes when friends get to that place - that place of delightful familiarity, comfort, and co-conspiracy - when stuff like that loses any kind of weirdness and just becomes a wonderful moment of fun.  And to top it off, our other buddy and co-conspirator calls me at the stroke of midnight - she's just gotten off work and wanted to wish me a happy birthday.  She brings up the whip and she says, "You have a month to use it!  If you've not used it in a month you have to pass it along."  Ha!

Strong Word

Your name pops into my head and I immediately think "I hate you."  It's not true, of course, but somehow thinking it makes it easier, makes me feel better.  It should have been obvious.  You disappeared and the reason should have occurred to me much earlier.  I hope this time she takes your feelings more seriously.  I hope this time all the reasons she left don't apply.  I hope this time she appreciates the value of your love. 

I once asked if I could read the book.  You said yes, seemed surprised that I wanted to, but it was part of you - it was your life, it was monumental, it was what set you on the course of your next twenty years.  I wish I had been able to read it, perhaps then I would understand this more - it would make more sense to me - and I could be happy for you, and for her, in a benevolently envious way.  As it stands, with just the little tidbits I know, I can't be happy for her.  I feel like she squandered it all so many years ago.  The reasons she ended it don't wash - religion?  Social status? Money?  The life it appears she ended up leading was surrounded by those things.  We once talked of second chances and do overs and the difference and availability of each.  No do overs. She sorta gets a do over though, doesn't she? 

I don't know what the dynamics are, I don't know the timing, I don't know if she contacted you first or you her.  But knowing there has been contact made it all make sense.  That's all I really want, you know - to have someone tell me honestly so it could make sense.  My ex couldn't do it, no man I've had any involvement with since the divorce could do it.  You presented yourself differently but I'm finding that the truth is more that as humans we want to avoid unpleasantness as much as possible.  We couch it by making excuses or saying we don't want to cause undo pain.   In reality, the avoidance causes more pain.  It gives us a false sense of hope.  It robs of us of choices.  Knowing the truth may hurt - most likely will hurt - but then there is the choice on how to manage the pain - how to process it and place it properly in the context of our own lives.  Not knowing leaves tons of questions and misdirects our introspection.  I've sat around wondering why I'm so forgettable, wondering what happened to necessitate cutting me out.  Wondering how it was so easy to just cut me out.  I realize now that every woman in your life must have been compared to her ghost. Every woman seems to fail miserably.  I truely hope she's worthy. 

Summer Comes

The kids and I are back from our week's stay on Hilton Head. How wonderful it was to just sit around and not have to be anywhere, do anything or be a slave to any kind of schedule!  It rained Monday and Tuesday (thanks Beryl!) but the rest of the week was gorgeous.  I read three books, ended up with a tan, ate some great food and didn't gain any weight!  I didn't lose any more but we ate what we wanted and I didn't gain so I feel that's a success.  I didn't really want to go backwards since I'm down 28 lbs according to my doctor's appointment the Friday before we left.  Now I can go back to concentrating on eating well and exercising.  The weight will continue to drop I think.  It's been fun to dig out clothes from the back of my closet I've not been able to wear in a while.  At some point, if I lose more weight, I'll probably need a few new things.  That's ok... I'll make it work :-)

I enjoyed every second I sat on the beach, smelling the salt air, feeling the breeze and the sun.  I wonder sometimes why I can't get there more often.  It's not like there isn't anything much stopping me (besides money).  It's not a long drive.  Being at the beach is so cathartic for me.  It has a way of restoring inside me whatever gets depleted.  I had my cute little tankini and straw hat - lots of sunscreen (but still managed to get slightly sunburned) and books, glorious books!  I finished The Help and read the latest Stephanie Plum novel.  Holly had the latest best seller... a book all of my friends have been asking if I'd read... a novel I'd not heard of until the last few weeks.  I didn't know what the plot was or the scandalous nature of its reputation.  Holly was going to let me read it when she was done but she was taking too long and I needed a book.  I bought it and finished it within twenty-four hours. Oh my!  I'm currently in the middle of the second book.  I'm curious to discover the secrets of the main characters and the fact they engage in hot, kinky sex several times a chapter doesn't hurt!  My son now refers to these books as smut but Holly and I don't care - they are fascinating!  The dominate/submissive stuff is intriguing and tends to remind me of someone .  I'd actually thought of sending him the book, semi-anonymously - but I won't.  The book was a great beach read though!

It's time for me to return to book two... I've got to find out all the secrets - I just gotta!