The Circus Freak

I've been going to therapy now for three months. It's been one of the best gifts I've given myself - going back when most people have thought I should be over it by now. I mentioned to the therapist what I'd said in an earlier post about how I should be good at transitions by now, she looked at me, in her "you've got be kidding me" way, and asked why? Of course I said I'd had so many, that I should be used to them by now. But she pointed out that what I've been through has been horrendous - that there is no reason on earth I should be used to any of this. I've tried to describe here in this blog what I've been through - what the dynamics were and how they've affected me and my well being - affected my ability to view myself accurately, and maybe I've not done a good job of that - so it always surprises me some that I look back on all this and end up down playing some of it sometimes and people (therapist, friends...) challenge me on that - say, "Why would you NOT feel that way... why would you NOT think that?" I guess I've always figured no matter what I've had to face, others somewhere have had it worse. (can you tell mom used that whole "there are starving children in Africa line" on us when we were kids?) And it's true, people do deal with worse, I see it in my job almost everyday - but I've got to remind myself that just because it is true doesn't negate what I've had to deal with, what I've had to go through.

In therapy we've talked about a great number of things. We've touched on the relationships I've had, both friendly and romantic, in the last three and a half years. We talked about the ex and his past and present behaviors - about the possibility he has a personality disorder and how I've not made up the mind games that got played - how he did choose a target of blame and hate - and she just happened to be me - the safest one he could find. He couldn't hate his folks, couldn't hate the kids, couldn't really hate himself (part of the whole personality disorder thing) and so, lucky me, I got the winning ticket - and boy did I get repaid in spades! There is such a duel nature to who he is... a war constantly waging in his head - one that drives everything he does. I can recognize all this and put it in the proper prospective - and yet not excuse it. He is not sick but he's not completely well and that's where the line between sympathy and indifference gets blurred for me.

And so I am finally at the point of this post - the meat of the discussion: the circus freak. It surprises me that I've not written about her more than I have but I've touched on her here and here. I've probably downplayed her, but then again that's my way, huh? The therapist and I have talked about her a lot - about who she is, where she came from, why she takes up so much real estate in my head. A few sessions ago the therapist made an observation about her, said if it were a matter of me just wrestling her for control she has no doubt I would have won that fight by now... but she acknowledged there is more to it than that - and so she suggested perhaps instead of trying to banish her to the frozen tundra of Siberia we invite her closer, try and figure out what she wants, what she needs. She also suggested I give her a funny voice - maybe Elmer Fudd... and see if that quiets her influence over my thoughts and feelings some.

Now the circus freak, while she maybe with me always she's not always vocal, so she doesn't always have the strong influence she has at other times. And if I'm being honest, which is sorta the whole point, it might be important to explain how she only really influences one area of my life - whether or not I'm attractive and desirable. She has no bearing on whether or not I think I'm a good parent, or smart, or hardworking, or a good friend, or a kind person - she's all tied up in whether or not I have worth as a woman in regard to my sensuality, my physical attractiveness, my sexual desirability. My ex was able to use this, my Achilles' heel if you will, to do the most damage to me. It's something that's always been a tad bit shaky for me - maybe it is for most people. But my folks, well... it wasn't something that was fostered in my family. I've written about that before - and I've tried to change that for my daughter, tried to plant the seed of self esteem, not only in her physical view of herself but also in her abilities and the innate goodness she possesses. This week she's met a few new people, friends of friends, people I work with, and they come away telling me how bubbly she is, how lovely she is, how polite and well spoken she is - how she's a total package. And yes, that makes me feel good as a mother to hear those things, but it also makes me feel good for her - she is all those things and people see them. What's even more people tell her these things - they also interact with her in ways that say, without words, she is interesting and of worth. The seed has been planted - and now it's being nurtured.

I've digressed, but not really - so here is the circus freak and I'm working with the therapist to figure out what it is she needs, what it is that will put her in a her place and remove her influence over me. I gave her the Elmer Fudd voice and well, it worked! And then something happened, and I was, well, back at square one, sorta... but not really because I stopped and I listened and I did invite her closer, I did make an effort to remove the emotion from it and have a "conversation" with her. I know all this sounds kinda split personality-ish and perhaps you're wondering when I'm going to call myself Sybil and start talking in a different voice and wearing strange clothes. It's ok, I'm good. Really . So we "talked" the 500 lb bearded circus lady freak and me - and the more I listened to her, the more I really took a moment to understand what was going on, I realized she wasn't trying to hurt me as much as she was trying to protect me - what she'd been doing all along was trying to protect me - and somehow it just got turned around and messed up... my inability to let go of her wasn't tied to anything more than my loyalty to her and my pity for her. She did so much to protect me during the pain, so much to "eat" the abuse and disrespect. She stood in front of me and absorbed it all. Her actions weren't wrapped in sympathy and kindess or warmth and love, they were hard and cold, they were raw and ugly, but she was protecting me none the less. Weird I know...

I shared all this with the therapist and she didn't commit me so I guess that's a good sign. It's not over, the circus freak isn't gone - but I don't think that was the point. I don't regard her in the same way now - and of course the issue is far from "fixed" but it's a start - I have a perspective on it now I think. It's not so dark and mysterious anymore, it's workable - daylight has been shed... it's not so scary. Onward and upward, eh?

If It's Tuesday It Must Be Belly Dancing!

Um, yeah, belly dancing - again... that torture I subject myself to once a week... that torture that proves to me I am a white girl with no rhythm and my daughter MUST have been friggin' switched at birth to have the skill and grace she obviously possesses in dance.... yeah - it's Tuesday!

Ok - I dramatize. It's not torture, not entirely - it's fun, really - frustrating but fun. It's just hard to move your body in so many different directions - so hard to disjoint yourself enough to make your chest POP and your hips DROP, and your arms resemble mesmerizing snakes - all while leaning back as far as you can possibly go and making the coins on your skirt jingle - all at the same damn time! Really not an attractive exercise for a half dozen aging mothers to be partaking in - but hey, it is fun - and we do laugh - we laugh hard... which was sorta that point, well that and moving our hinnies in something akin to an organized activity. Bitch, bitch bitch bitch bitch.

Ok - so we get home from dance - Tuesday is an early night - we get home at 7:00 - WOO the HOO! We eat dinner together - the kids and me... my daughter and my son (oh yeah, y'all haven't been formally introduced: Joshua and Rebecca, the blog world - the blog world, Joshua and Rebecca) ... and so I try to have something in the crock pot or something easy to fix so I'm not tempted to do the whole "pick it up on the run" thing... you know the thing that makes us fat and sluggish and just plain unhealthy if we eat it too often... that's Wednesday's dinner. We eat, and then Joshua decides we need to carve a pumpkin 'cause I have three sitting on the porch and hey, guess what comes on tv just as he makes this declaration? Why, you're so right - It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown! At the very exact moment - during the recitation of the most perfectly awesome line ever in cartoondom we paused - and listened - and heard:

"YOU OWE ME RESTITUTION! "

Sheer brilliance!

It was fate I tell ya' - the universe telling us to carve a pumpkin damn it - so we picked a template and Joshua scooped out the guts and Rebecca assisted and now we have a pumpkin - a real live carved Halloween pumpkin! It was all silly and serendipitous (Joshua's word choice).... and, once again, my children make me smile - my children restore me... they fill my heart with love, light and laughter. All the shit, it doesn't really matter at moments like this... yeah, it's all still there... but it doesn't matter - and it feels good....

Ladies and Gentlemen, meet Jeff -

* oh, I've recently been informed that the pumpkin prefers to be called Jeffree (yes that's with two e's on the end)

And as I heard these lines in The Great Pumpkin I realized what a great blog post it might make one day soon. Read, file the idea away folks, you're gonna see it again...

Linus: He'll come here because I have the most sincere pumpkin patch and he respects sincerity.
Sally: Do you really think he will come?
Linus: Tonight the Great Pumpkin will rise out of the pumpkin patch. He flies through the air and brings toys to all the children of the world.
Sally: That's a good story.
Linus: You don't believe the story of the Great Pumpkin? I thought little girls always believed everything that was told to them. I thought little girls were innocent and trusting.
Sally: Welcome to the 20th century!

Transitions

After writing this I reread it and decided it might not make a whole lot of coherent sense but it's ok because it does to me - and for right now I can't quite compartmentalize all that I'm thinking or feeling at the moment and so it comes out jumbled - and I'm going to leave it like this because I really don't have the energy to change it and I really wanted to post it - post something... get it out of me so I can start letting it go -

I'm sitting here, still in bed, Sunday early afternoon. I should be leaving church about now, but I've been a very slack, unmotivated Presbyterian girl, and I realize that actually, the way I'm feeling, is really the absolute perfect time for me to be in church... but I'm not and gee, I'm sure I'm paying some sorta of cost for not doing so - not really that God punishes for such things, 'cause I see a lot of folks living lives that don't involve church attendance and they seem to be livin' perfectly happy content little lives. That's not the point though I'm sure... the point, however, truly escapes me - and it's a pretty sad state to be 43 and have no friggin' idea what is up or down, right or wrong, good or bad. I somehow can't escaped this feeling that I should know by now and I just don't and, well... if I say this please don't call 911 on me, but really, if I don't know right now then what's the point? We'll revisit this in a moment...

The weekend has been a weekend. I had my monthly mani/pedi yesterday. I do love going and I like the idea I'm taking care of my body in a way. The feet are smooth and callous free and my hands don't have hang nails and my nails are neatly symmetrical. A while back, when I was going through the very beginnings of all this divorce stuff people would tell me to do certain things - hang out with girlfriends, get mani/pedis, concentrate on myself, don't have too many male friends... and guess what? I've done all that but still, the same bullshit remains... and what's so funny is that all the folks telling me to do these things, all the folks offering this specific sorta advice, are all folks not doing this sorta stuff themselve! And yeah, don't tell me to go to therapy because HA! if you read this blog you know I'm already there... and I'll talk more about that later too...

So it's the weekend - and yesterday I got my mani/pedi and I prior to that I got ant killer and spread it around on the mounds that have appeared after all the rain. We have these wonderful fire ants down here and gee, well... you don't dare step in a mound because they will bite the fool out of you and leave little whelps all over... which I have a few dozen of on my feet from stepping into a mound two weeks ago. I also picked up BBQ for dinner because Saturday was football day - and well... who wants to cook when you can watch FOOTBALL! So we ate BBQ and we watched the game (go Cocks!). The other big accomplishment of the day was a bit of home repair. For some reason Friday night the light switch in the bathroom broke and would not turn the light off... so I bought a new switch and yesterday afternoon son and I shut off the power to the bathroom (which took a little trial and error.. none of the breakers were labeled) and he replaced the switch. It worked, no one got electrocuted and now the light will shut off and on! I was a little concerned about how I was going to handle that - typically ex did all that sorta stuff (and I will be damned if I called him to help out) and I figured I would have to call someone and then I remembered single dad is an electrical kinda guy and I thought I could call him but then son and I figured we'd give it a try and well... success... we were pretty pleased with ourselves. We tackled it like we've tackled most of these little annoyances: a few jokes, some laughter and a high five afterwards.

For all the shit I've endured - all the loss I've faced - I have the kids - we've worked together - we've figured it out - and if I don't leave them anything in this life at least I leave them a sense of Manifest Destiny... bastardized as it may be... but we've endured and forged ahead, perhaps even divinely inspired - because we know nothing else, we don't give up. While my life may be less than perhaps I want it to be, what sacrifices I've made will help them make their lives more than they could have imagined. There is a formula to life... to living... and I may not have been smart enough, disciplined enough, fortunate enough, to follow that formula, at least my children can... and be better for it. Once the time has passed you can't go back... just best to do it right the first time. I didn't, and I've paid for it. Paid dearly.

But yeah, transitions - they suck... and I don't do them well at all, funny - you'd think I'd had so many I'd be a pro at them by now. I feel like I'm in the middle of a new one and I just got done with the last one and I was hoping for a little status quo before beginning again - but it's not to be. Sometimes I think, best to just let it all go at once... best to just let go of all expectations, all connections - don't look to anyone or anything, because what's the line? Nothing gold can stay? So yeah - it's done. Loss, loss, loss, loss, loss.

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay

And no... if you, you who likes to think of himself as first, reads this - it isn't about you.

Observation Week

It's Parent Observation Week at dance - the opportunity to sit in on classes and see what the girls do... gives me a chance to take pics and record some video... fun stuff... I think I need a new camera!

Verklempt

Forgive me for a moment, I'm a little overcome with emotion... you see... um.... give me just a tiny moment here.... my son... is, um, helping my daughter... um.... study! It's such a beautiful thing - he's helping her with science - going over bonds and chemical stuff and balancing electrons or something like that... all I really know is he's being so patient and she's not complaining and perhaps, just perhaps, she's learning something. I'm so proud - my heart, my friends, is full. sigh.

This, I do believe, is the beauty of having them eight years apart. I have had folks look at me and ask me if I was crazy - why on earth, they would say, would you have them so far apart. Well, um... that really wasn't the plan ya' know. The plan was to have them five years apart but life and my body didn't cooperate and I had them eight years apart instead - and it's been a wonderful thing for me, thank you very much. The expense side of it has been good - no one has been in any kind of activity at the same time, and college - well... I have a few years after his graduation to contend with her (hopefully) impending attendance.

I can hear them back there in his room... soft voices, him asking her a question and her answering - every once in a while a little 14 year old girl giggle breaks the gentle murmur. They've been at it a while... and it's not so much I couldn't have helped her because somehow I got him through school, but he's the science boy - he's my chemistry, physics, killer math man and he understands all this stuff much more easily than I do... I would have had to look back over the book and the notes to help me understand it. The funny thing too, is I actually think he wanted to help her - imagine that! And it's a learning thing for both of them - learning in the sense that she's getting quality time with a wonderful male role model and he's learning what it means to mentor someone - perhaps one day it will serve him well as he parents his own children.

My mom always said she didn't really think someone was a parent until they had more than one child. I think most of the time that observation was a dig at my mother in law, who only had the one. I don't really agree with that - for eight years I had one child and I was as much a parent then as I am now. I think the coolest thing about having more than one child though is getting to sit back and observe the interaction between them. Yeah I know, it's not always pretty... that whole sibling rivalry thing, but hey, wanna know a little secret -having them so far apart in age really cut down on that little problem too, ha! As a parent though it's been an awesome thing to see the tenderness between them - the way she looks up to him and how protective he is of her. He supports her and is there for her and she adores him and thinks he hung the moon. Pretty cool... another moment to keep and ponder in my heart. I am blessed.

So Predictable

You know that old adage: eyes in the back of her head? My mom would always say that to my brother and me when we’d be express our amazement over her catching us doing something we weren’t supposed to be doing. She’d always seem to know – like she was omniscient or something! We’d no sooner start getting into something we were more than likely not supposed to be getting into and we’d hear her voice questioning us. I can remember on occasion just looking at my brother and saying, “How on earth did she know?” I didn’t get it until I was older and had children of my own… and then it was clear as it could be how she knew – and, of course, it had nothing to do with eyes in the back of her head.

My kids would sometimes question me when I would catch them too… and I’d laugh, repeat that line, and smile to myself – and my kids, probably smarter and more savvy than my brother and me, would say something like, “Umm… no, really, how did you know?” And I would tell them the truth: kids are predictable. We aren’t really all that clever and unique, none of us. Kids try the same stuff – over and over again… and it’s ok, really, because that’s how they learn. They try it, they get held accountable for it, they suffer whatever appropriate consequence, and they learn. My theory on parenting anyway –

But it’s occurred to me recently that adults are no different – someone said to me a few months back, “You have an instinct about stuff, you ask questions when you already know the answers” or something to that effect… and it’s not so much that really but, perhaps, more that people are predictable – we do the same stuff over and over -we aren’t really all that unique. And perhaps when I ask questions and am looking for answers when I might already know them I’m simply trying to get someone to be honest with me. That could be wrong though, I might be looking for verification or some sort of proof that my thinking isn’t flawed. You see if every time in the past this same thing has happened and if every time in the past the reason has been because of this one thing, then the likelihood it’s happening now is all the same. It’s logic – it can be predicted. Just because one variable is changed doesn’t mean the outcome is changed. There is a pattern to life, it’s all human nature… the human condition so to speak… and it never changes.

Some of my ex’s favorite movies are the Matrix movies – and I find them entertaining enough. Ex, I think, looked at them a lot differently than I did. He liked to analyze and pick apart the ideas and philosophy of the themes and finer points conveyed in the brilliant minds of the creators of the movies. He would say sometimes how he wondered if he weren’t asleep, stuck in a pod someplace, trying to break free, and rebelling in some way to the forced existence he was living. Duh, I should have really gotten it then huh? And while I can see how someone could pick it all apart and analyze it the way he did, maybe still does, the one thing in the movie that struck me as the most interesting was the idea that when the machines first took over and placed folks in pods and started farming the innate, natural electrical output people produced, they did so by making life drama free… making the thoughts they placed in their heads all about harmony and peace and perfection. They took the mythical Utopia and turned it into a quasi reality and the minds of the folks in the pods rebelled. Imagine that!

I think there is some truth to that premise though. I don’t think, as human beings, we are comfortable with living a calm, undramatic existence. I think we’re constantly on ever vigilant alert, waiting, wondering, watching. I think we distrust peace. Sad thought huh? And I know, please don’t get me wrong, I know there are people who ache for the calm quite boring moments in life… people who dream of easy and thoughtful and comforting. I think I’m one, for the most part. But it keeps eluding me and I’m not sure if it’s something I’m doing or it’s just how it is. I crave mundane and boring – but I guess the truth is I have it… but, at the same time, I don’t have the comfort of peace because once upon a time I learned there is a disconnect between what is said and what is done. Once upon a time I learned the bottom can fall out and you can lose it all. That’s my predictable. It makes me sad, but it’s the way it is… and nothing, and no one, has proved the logic wrong. This late in the game, I’m not sure anything ever will.

Tuesday

Yeah - exciting title I know - the best I can do right now. Sorry.

It was the second belly dancing class... more shimming, this time with the shoulders and she said - I kid you not - it is okay to shake the "girls" and I laughed 'cause I got a whole lotta "girl" to shake - we got our coin skirts tonight too! I picked out a lavender one with silver coins. It's so pretty! Belly dancing is really more difficult than I thought it would be. Oh, please don't get me wrong, I didn't think it would be super simple but I didn't realize that shaking your hips is really not about shaking your hips - it's more about pushing hips down and bending knees. It's a lot about disjointing body parts and moving them in fluid but separate motions. It's been good exercise - and hey, is it bad to say my favorite part is all the stretching we do before and after?

So on to the real topic for this evening:

Ok, it's like this - I'm not in a bad place or a bad mood - I just can't shake this feeling of dread... like something is hanging over my head, hovering, waiting - and I don't know if it's bad or good - I suspect bad, but don't know for sure. I'm anxious, about what I'm not sure... I just am - and I thought it would go away but it hasn't - and I'm just trying to wait it out.... but it's sorta hanging on and I don't know if it's me being paranoid or intuitive.

This date is looming, maybe that’s it? Although I’ve not really thought much about it other than what I’m going to wear – I truly have no expectations whatsoever about it – no thoughts that this is something promising for the future – it’s one evening – that’s it. Or maybe it’s concerns for a friend (or two) who I’ve been worried about… but those are others, not me… and this – this is some kind of something to do with me… like there’s a huge change coming or I’m slowly realizing it’s never gonna change and this is what giving up feels like... I don't know.

I'm not the hard-ass-I-don't-need-nobody-mz independent-loner I think most people see me as. The therapist and I talked about that - talked about how while I might not be that it's quite possible it's the persona I project. I don't disagree with her, I've thought of that myself, but... but... but... I'm not so sure I've had much of a choice in the matter. I'd love nothing more than to have a soft place to land... a warm hand to hold... a strong shoulder to lay my head on once in a while - but like I've said before, it's not just not been "in the cards for me" right now, and it might never be... and I think, when I feel like I do right now, that it becomes more painful that I don't have someone to just share it with - not fix it, not make it go away - just share it with...

I have a wonderful friend - a woman I used to work with - she's an artist - a beautiful woman with a wonderful spirit. She had a really rough marriage, abusive in many ways, even if he never physically hit her (which it's possible he did, I'm not sure). One day she left him, just walked out the door, leaving a lot behind. For years now she's been alone, afraid to open herself up, let someone else in... even though I've had a feeling for a while now she'd be someone who would find it all... be the happily ever after - and well, she recently reconnected with someone she knew thirty+ years ago (she's in her late 50's). I've never seen her happier! She said she doesn't know what's going to happen - doesn't know where it's necessarily headed - but she said to feel this wonderful again - to have hope and love and promise after having so little... she said it feels like a gift - and she doesn't want to overlook the blessing by being afraid. She said to me something akin to what the therapist said a while back.... the therapist said connecting, truly connecting with another person, is a rare and wonderful thing... she said it's not something to take for granted - when we find it, when we're blessed enough to experience it, we shouldn't ignore it. So I wish for my dear artistic friend a future of unfathonable love and hope and promise...

Belly Dancing

Ok... I know inquiring minds wanna know - and no... there will be no pictures, but yes, the class was this evening and it was fun! The teeny tiny lady who was the instructor was calm and patient. There are eight of us in the class.

There was soft Middle Eastern music and we shared a few coin skirts between us, ours haven't arrived yet but should be here next week. We were told to be barefoot and she had us stretch out some, limber us up and then she started with the hands - she taught us how to hold our hands while we danced. Then we did a shoulder roll and we practiced it for a while, making sure we used our shoulders more than our arms. Then, once she felt we had the hang of that, we did snake arms... that was a little harder, I could do the right side really well but my left, well it sorta had a mind of its own... not sure why I felt like I needed to do more of a swimming motion than a snake motion. After we practiced each side separately she had us to them one after the other... that, my friends was a little harder - sorta like patting your head and rubbing your tummy at the same time. It took just a little while to figure out how to put them both in synch. Then we moved onto the shimmy. The trick in doing this was to bend the knees, one and then the other, to make the very front of stomach shimmy, and not your hips or butt. Wearing the coin skirt helped with this - gave motivation for getting it right, the more correctly you moved the more sound you made!

She ended the class by giving us a demonstration of a dance she did. It was fascinating. I'm looking forward to learning more - to putting it all together. But first, she said our homework was to practice those things we learned tonight - perfect them for the next class. I will tell you, I can already feel how sore I'm going to be - holding the arms up while doing that shoulder roll thing was like some kind of torture experience... but I'll be back next week. What can it hurt, right? Well besides physically? lol!

Choreography Fun

And you can see her feet too!

Belly dancing starts tonight... there won't be any video of that showing up here! That's all gonna be a lot of private humor... not for public consumption. I'll let y'all know how it goes though, I'm sure I can convey all the fun and comedy with words instead of pictures.

Saturday on the Square