Expensive

I may need to start pimping myself out just to afford all these dance costumes...

It's pretty though, huh?

Friday is picture day - that's the day that every girl puts on every costume for every dance she may be dancing in and has group and individual shots done - it's a wild and crazy event but one of the few times these costumes actually get worn - they won't be worn again until recital at the end of May... daughter will wear most of her costumes twice that day because she typically dances in both recitals. So... it's hectic (have I made that point already?) and my darlin' daughter who isn't typically a bitchy diva (only a garden variety diva) has the potential of being one on this day - and to be honest with y'all... I'm not above a bribe to get her to be pleasant and photogenic... so... what did I do? I offered a bribe - that's what! Uh, duh.

I see it this way - I spend a lot of money on these costumes. Some I am more partial to than others and the one to the right in the picture is my favorite this year. For the most part, I am quite pleased with the costume selection for this season - last year there was this one costume that, well, made her look like a hooker (perhaps I should borrow that if the pimping thing pans out...). The costume fit the song and it looked really cute on the other girls but the other girls are younger and not so... um... developed yet so... she, ummm, looked like a hooker. There is one this year could go either way - could be a high class hooker... lol... but I think it will be ok. The theme this year is Broadway and she's tapping to Diamonds Are a Girl's Best Friend in the costume in question... but like I said I think it will be ok... she'll just look, um... older.

So anyway... the bribe. Monday the photographer took dance company pictures and daughter was sorta doing the bitchy diva thing... and me, well I wasn't enjoying that...not in the least bit. I don't typically order the company pictures because we go to competition and I take pictures and sometimes, if I get lucky, the competition photographer gets some great action shots. Friday is the BIG picture day... with all the fancy, shmancy costumes and so I said, "Darlin' Daughter, I spend a lot of money on these costumes ya know." And she said, "Yeah mom, I know... and I appreciate it." And I said, "Yes sweetie, I know you do... so on picture day I'd like some really good pictures of you in some of them." She said, "I'll try." I said, "Is there anything I can do to um... sweeten the deal for you?" And she turned her head to me ever so slowly and with a sly smile said, "Mom, are you trying to bribe me?" And I said, "Yes. Yes I am." So we both had a good laugh because if you knew us well then you would know that bribery isn't something we typically resort to in this house... and then she burst my bubble because she said, "There really isn't anything I can think of that I want...."

Damn.

So tonight she was watching Phantom of the Opera on You Tube and made a comment about how she'd like to have the soundtrack... you see the fancy costume in the picture is for Masquerade danced "en pointe" ... so I looked on Amazon and found a good deal on the soundtrack and the movie and low and behold... I had my bribe!

WooHoo!

But in truth I don't think it's a bribe... in truth it's just a way to treat her to something - she works hard, she's a great kid, and I love her... that's reason enough :-)

Scrambled Eggs

I'd never put American cheese in my scrambled eggs before... not sure why - I'd made omelets with cheese but never scrambled eggs and then someone told me about cooking them that way. One week night evening after dance I was cooking eggs for daughter for dinner and I put American cheese in them and she loved it... and now, whenever we have scrambled eggs, she always makes sure to ask if I am putting the cheese in them... it's her favorite way to eat eggs. Each time, as I tear the cheese in pieces to add to the cooking eggs, I think of that person - the one who gave me the tip.

It's funny how people come and go from our lives... how they linger for a while and leave their mark, forever changing us for better or for worse. It is rare, if ever, that we have the foresight to know which it will be in the end. We make connections, teach lessons, share thoughts and pain and joy... and then it slips away... lost, leaving a hole - an empty space, a sadness.

It hurts to lose someone... it's hard to let go. How do you cope with that? Because it's impossible to know before hand any outcome... because there is no guarantee what do you do? I guess there are only two choices really - you either close yourself off, refusing to be vulnerable or you open yourself up, exposing yourself to the possibility of the hurt. Or is there a way to strike a balance? A way to appreciate the beauty and take all the good yet leave the hurt and disappointment behind? I wish I knew...

Somehow something keeps me open... I guess I am innocent and naive... not the hard ass I like to believe I can be... but I think I'm realistic at the same time... aware and cognizant of the possibility... the possibility of joy and the possibility of pain. Life is much too short to miss out on any one thing that might lead to wonderful....

So I add cheese to my eggs... and I smile at the memory - at all the memories...

Battle Lines

People divorce. Fact of life. I don't think it's ever pleasant but there are people who manage to be adults about it - people who can think outside themselves and look at the bigger picture and make adjustments. It can happen under the worst of circumstances - I've seen people do it. I know people get into situations that are less than ideal - I've learned over the years to be more tolerant, more understanding. My ex cheated on me twice - two of the hardest truths I've ever had to face and whether people believe me or not I've gotten past those betrayals. I still carry around wounds, I'm aware of that... but they are mine to heal, mine to figure out. And while I have no desire to be his friend, to sit and share a drink and reminisce, I can live and let live and that's what I've been doing. I've done nothing to hinder his pursuit of happiness, in fact, I wish him well. I hope he finds what he's been searching for... me, all I really want is to be happy too - and I alone carry the responsibility for that.

During the beginning of the end the ex made some choices that have made it difficult to have that semi pleasant divorce every girl dreams about. One doosey was taking his girlfriend to meet the parents while the wife was sitting at home with the kids. I never would have known this except for the fact my parents had hired a private detective. So you see the plot thickens. Everyone knows about this but me... the one person it affects more than any other - and I'm in the dark, clueless. So now battle lines have been drawn, sides taken, alliances made and me... well I'm oblivious to the impending war.

I've had a hard time reconciling what my ex in laws did... sitting down with this other woman and making nice. It would have been different had we been in the process of divorce proceedings at the time... it would have been different if I had known... but I didn't. I've managed to keep a working relationship with them. I don't trust them but I don't have to, trust isn't essential to the shallow interactions we have. I am the mother to their only grandchildren... I think they have a modicum amount of respect for that fact. The message they sent me was clear though - blood IS thicker than water and regardless of whether their son is right or wrong they will accept his behavior. The only time we discussed the dinner meeting they asked me what they were supposed to do... my answer was this - you say son, we love you, we'll do what we can to help you but we won't condone this, until this gets sorted out we can't do this - and then I would have left. I would have also cuffed my son up side his head but then, that's just me. You can love the sinner yet hate the sin - and part of being a parent is sometimes saying no... sometimes showing your disapproval - and I don't think that has an age limit.

So battle lines are drawn - and graduation is coming and it is out of town - far enough out of town and early enough in the morning that it necessitates an overnight trip. Everyone is staying in the same hotel and normal functioning families would all eat together the night before - toasting the boy's accomplishments, expressing pride and love... but... not sure that's going to happen. My parents don't really want to have any extended interaction with his parents and have said while they will eat in the same restaurant they won't necessarily sit at the same table, which, to me, is worse than refusing to see them. I can't sit at the table with the ex in laws, that would be a slap in my parent's face - and so I would sit with my folks and son... well... where would son sit? There is no way to do this... no way. The only thing I can see to do is to eat dinner with one that night and eat a brunch the next day after the ceremony with the other.

And a graduation party - that's a whole other kettle of fish.

ARGH.

Competition Season Has Begun...

Oh Joy!!!

I just love taking pictures of her when she doesn't realize I am... I get really good ones that way!

It was a long day... a long, LONG day. We got up at 5:30 - got ready and left the house at 7 - it was still flippin' dark... and it has been raining all day too... and I usually love the rain but, just today, it wasn't my favorite 'cause drivin' 100 miles one way in the rain wasn't all that fun. But we got there and the team performed three dances and it went well... they received good scores and a few trophies so, all in all it was a successful day.

The Ladies' Choice dance was deemed the "Crowd Pleaser" of the day... WooHoo!

Here is the dance in rehearsal - a few of the girls are missing but it's cute none the less...

It's a Rainbow

or How I Spent My Saturday



Aren't they pretty? Just what are they you might wonder... well they are skirts... unfinished skirts, but skirts - I still need to add the waistbands - but I will do that after I fit them to the girls. These are going to be part of the costume for a dance the girls are doing next weekend in a competition. The red one is missing - it's at the studio. It was the prototype - my daughter's - I made mistakes on it but those will be covered by a belt so I suppose it's all good. I had to have something to learn on... so daughter was the lucky one! I'm not the best seamstress, taught myself how to sew making Halloween costumes for the kids back in my Martha Stewart days and there is still a lot I don't know. The pattern calls for zippers but we opted for Velcro and I haven't quite decided what's gonna be the best way to hem these puppies but hey - as long as they stay on the girls I guess we are golden!

Obladi

Life Goes On...

Today is a good day! Don't ask me why - I'm not really sure. I got up... prepared to do my little museum gig by letting the maid in to clean. I came home and cleaned out the fridge... got trash ready for the dump... took the trash, let the maid out and came home to do more cleaning. The weather is beautiful... 70 degrees and sunny, a slight breeze. As I sit here I can hear the wind chimes occasionally make a soft sound. A dog is barking down the street... the kitchen smells clean, dishes are done... daughter is listening to her new IPod, the dog is eating his chew bone... son helped me with a silly little computer question... I have a little money in the bank... and I am content. All is right with the world.

Will it last? Probably not - and that's ok. There is beauty and peace in the knowledge that happiness comes and goes, ebbs and flows. Any one particular feeling may not be sustainable... may not remain a constant throughout an undetermined amount of time... but if I can accept and rejoice in little moments of contented bliss like this, well then that can be enough to sustain my spirit through those days when I'm not feeling so content. Life throws curve balls... and I've had my share - more than my fair share if I do say so :-). It's all what I make it though... and really I've made it pretty wonderful in a lot of ways. I'm still standing - I'm still capable of love - I have a home, a family, a purpose.

I'd forgotten this feeling. For awhile it just didn't seem like anything would fall into place... just didn't feel like I'd ever get a moment of rest... but here it is... a moment... a soft, sweet, warm moment of respite. It feels so good to breathe... so good to hope... so good to focus on positive things. Maybe it's the weather?

Put Your Records On...

Morning After

March 1st

SNOW!!!