Fall has always been my favorite time of the year. I love the hunker down feeling it brings - the cool, crisp air, the shorter days. It's such a welcomed respite from the draining heat of summer. Life falls back into it's usual pattern. School comes, football games get played, holidays are around the corner. The food and colors and smells of fall are comforting and affirming... family gathers together - holidays get celebrated. Fall is wonderfully warm and cozy.
Lately though I find myself looking forward to spring. For the last several years spring has been a difficult time... unpleasant things have typically happened and I'd grown to distrust this time of year... grown to look toward the warming weather and new life that spring brings as a sign of possible destruction. This year I am feeling a little differently - this year I am actually anticipating it's arrival. I'm not sure what's changed my feelings, not sure what's set me on a hopeful track... but no matter - the feeling is here and I am cautiously embracing it.
Love Grows...
I'm looking forward to the change in weather - looking forward to the feel of the sun on my face. It will be so nice to open the doors and windows and feel a breeze blow into the room - a breeze that wraps warmth around me instead of cutting me with a chill. My father will resume his weekly trips to the house - he'll cut my grass and trim the bushes, weed eat and tidy the lawn. The smell he leaves behind is so green and alive... so hopeful. It makes me smile.
I'm looking forward to digging in the earth. I once loved to garden and plant flowers in the pots around the porch and on the back deck. It is something I've neglected doing in recent years - can be sorta tricky if I remember correctly. The deck gets a whole lotta sun, which is great in the spring but waaaaaay too much in the summer. I need to invest in plants that can take the heat - my only real luck has been with coleus... I'll go with that again. On the front porch I can plant petunias... there will be shade for them so they won't scorch in the heat that May will invariably bring. I will buy ferns to hang from the front porch and birds will build nests in them and I will have to be careful how I water each one... but I will get the pleasure of watching new life. The mother bird will screech and dive bomb the cats if they get too close - always an amusing distraction.
The spring will be busy, hectic - dance competitions, recitals, a GRADUATION! I plan to finally paint my living room during this spring break (any offers of help? lol!) and who knows what other fun filled, exciting, unexpected moments are around the bend?
2.22.2009
2.18.2009
Control
I've always liked this song... In My Life...
Ever been asked to do that little exercise where you write down words to describe who you are? You know... like mother, daughter, sister, friend, American, Southerner, Presbyterian, volunteer... etc, etc, and so forth. It seems to be the kind of thing you do in team building groups as a way to introduce and get to know one another. The challenge becomes coming up with more and more seemingly obscure words in an attempt to really examine who you are and I guess highlight the uniqueness that we all possess. At the same time, this little game shows how we all are really more connected than we may think. Silly I know but it's what I thought of while I was formulating this blog post in my head - there is a method to my madness even if I'm the only one who sees it.
So one word used to describe me is Presbyterian. My parents are of what I guess people would call a mixed faith marriage - my dad grew up staunchly Catholic and is now nonpracticing yet still very ingrained in the Catholic tradition. I'm not sure my mother really grew up anything although I might be wrong. At some point mom started taking us to a Baptist church and that's what I grew up in... but I never really felt comfortable there. Ex had grown up Presbyterian and wasn't about to join a Baptist church - you see he'd been baptized once and wasn't about to be again - so when we decided to get married he said we would be Presbyterian. And since I had no strong attachment to the Baptist faith I agreed. It was odd, at first, going to a different denominational protestant church. The Presbyterian church we attended down in Columbia was lovely and the service was very traditional... very ordered - and I found I liked that. One part of the service was a mystery to me though - corporately reciting the Apostle's Creed. Week after week I worked at memorizing it because it seemed everyone else knew it by heart and me, well I was having to read it from the hymnal. I didn't like that - made me feel sorta fake - a fake Presbyterian. So I learned it - bits and pieces at a time until I had it all down - and now - 22 years later - it's permanently imprinted on my brain.
I've learned a new coping mechanism over the last several years; whenever I need to distract my mind from something - some thought, some idea - I will take to reciting the Apostle's Creed in my head, silently to myself. It's almost like counting sheep, but the goal isn't to sleep... the goal is to entertain my mind just long enough to find another thought to replace it. It works, more often than not, and I usually can calm myself enough to move forward - on to the next great moment in time.
There is a tiny problem with this though... there is a brief period of time when I don't have complete control of my thoughts - the things I can't or won't or don't want to think about sneak into my subconscious eary in the morning, just as I am waking up... and it's then - that moment - when I truly realize the content of my heart... it is then when the veil has slipped just enough to show me. It's a sweet moment, but as realization dawns - as it all floods back - it begins to sting... and the walls come flying up again... the pain starts to seep in and my mind scrambles to grab the first thing I can to shield and protect me... the Creed.
It's a sad state I know... but it works. I've found I can't let my mind wander - it's all business, all the time. It's easier that way - quieter... no disappointment or disillusionment... only control... only safety... only peace - even if achieved through a trick....
Oh... and I like this song too... My Life...
Ever been asked to do that little exercise where you write down words to describe who you are? You know... like mother, daughter, sister, friend, American, Southerner, Presbyterian, volunteer... etc, etc, and so forth. It seems to be the kind of thing you do in team building groups as a way to introduce and get to know one another. The challenge becomes coming up with more and more seemingly obscure words in an attempt to really examine who you are and I guess highlight the uniqueness that we all possess. At the same time, this little game shows how we all are really more connected than we may think. Silly I know but it's what I thought of while I was formulating this blog post in my head - there is a method to my madness even if I'm the only one who sees it.
So one word used to describe me is Presbyterian. My parents are of what I guess people would call a mixed faith marriage - my dad grew up staunchly Catholic and is now nonpracticing yet still very ingrained in the Catholic tradition. I'm not sure my mother really grew up anything although I might be wrong. At some point mom started taking us to a Baptist church and that's what I grew up in... but I never really felt comfortable there. Ex had grown up Presbyterian and wasn't about to join a Baptist church - you see he'd been baptized once and wasn't about to be again - so when we decided to get married he said we would be Presbyterian. And since I had no strong attachment to the Baptist faith I agreed. It was odd, at first, going to a different denominational protestant church. The Presbyterian church we attended down in Columbia was lovely and the service was very traditional... very ordered - and I found I liked that. One part of the service was a mystery to me though - corporately reciting the Apostle's Creed. Week after week I worked at memorizing it because it seemed everyone else knew it by heart and me, well I was having to read it from the hymnal. I didn't like that - made me feel sorta fake - a fake Presbyterian. So I learned it - bits and pieces at a time until I had it all down - and now - 22 years later - it's permanently imprinted on my brain.
I've learned a new coping mechanism over the last several years; whenever I need to distract my mind from something - some thought, some idea - I will take to reciting the Apostle's Creed in my head, silently to myself. It's almost like counting sheep, but the goal isn't to sleep... the goal is to entertain my mind just long enough to find another thought to replace it. It works, more often than not, and I usually can calm myself enough to move forward - on to the next great moment in time.
There is a tiny problem with this though... there is a brief period of time when I don't have complete control of my thoughts - the things I can't or won't or don't want to think about sneak into my subconscious eary in the morning, just as I am waking up... and it's then - that moment - when I truly realize the content of my heart... it is then when the veil has slipped just enough to show me. It's a sweet moment, but as realization dawns - as it all floods back - it begins to sting... and the walls come flying up again... the pain starts to seep in and my mind scrambles to grab the first thing I can to shield and protect me... the Creed.
It's a sad state I know... but it works. I've found I can't let my mind wander - it's all business, all the time. It's easier that way - quieter... no disappointment or disillusionment... only control... only safety... only peace - even if achieved through a trick....
Oh... and I like this song too... My Life...
2.12.2009
Lincoln's Birthday
Happy Lincoln's Birthday everyone! Today is what would have been my 22nd anniversary. Ex had a nice little tradition - he'd send me roses every anniversary - one for every year we were married... it was sweet... a nice gesture... and then I'd get the bill.
2.11.2009
Conversation
"Hi son. Just got a letter from the head of the computer science department. It says you made the dean's list this fall."
"Oh? Yeah well I guess I did."
"Why didn't you tell me? This is a big deal - congratulations! I'm very proud of you!"
"Thanks - but I thought I told you."
"Um... nope son... I think I would have remembered you saying you made the dean's list for the second time. That's a pretty big deal."
"Well I told you my grades."
"Yes... you told me you had an A in this and B in that, etc... but you didn't tell me your GPA."
"Oh... I didn't tell you I had a 3.6 something?"
"Nope."
"Oh, sorry mom... I guess I forgot."
"Oh? Yeah well I guess I did."
"Why didn't you tell me? This is a big deal - congratulations! I'm very proud of you!"
"Thanks - but I thought I told you."
"Um... nope son... I think I would have remembered you saying you made the dean's list for the second time. That's a pretty big deal."
"Well I told you my grades."
"Yes... you told me you had an A in this and B in that, etc... but you didn't tell me your GPA."
"Oh... I didn't tell you I had a 3.6 something?"
"Nope."
"Oh, sorry mom... I guess I forgot."
2.08.2009
Rambling... 2
I slept in this morning - daughter is with my mom and dad... we went to the fabric store yesterday to buy patterns and fabric for daughters costumes for musical theatre class. Musical theatre is an odd class for her... I didn't really think she'd take the class but she did and I think now she finds it fun. At first she was hesitant - then the teacher gave her the role of Belle when they did a song from Beauty and the Beast this fall and she was really hesitant... but she did it... funny, she couldn't understand why on earth they wanted her to be Belle... gee... hmmm.... let's see.... couldn't be because you LOOKED the part now could it?
So one day we were driving to dance (we're always driving to dance) talking about this class and we were singing, I think to the Wicked soundtrack, and both of us just being animated and loud - and when the song was over I said, "Isn't that fun? To just be and act silly sometimes - to be someone, something else for a minute - why do you think I put your rhinestone tiara on all the time? It's just fun!" And she said, with the brightness of a light bulb clicking on, "Yeah... it sorta is." And now she likes musical theatre, she's been putting herself out there and just having fun, not stressing about it... and so I have to make a costume for a song from Children of Eden (she's Eve) and Annie (she's just an orphan - inside joke) and also I'm making the costumes for Hairspray (this costume is being used for one number in musical theatre and one company dance). I'm only making the Hairspray costume though - my mom is making the other two. I came up with a brilliant, clever idea (if I do say so...) - the Eve costume will be a reversible sack dress - one side will be plain and the other side will have patches and we'll add bloomers and it will be, ta da, an orphan costume! Two birds with one stone baby, two birds....
While in the fabric store music was playing - you know how stores will do that - I guess it makes you comfortable and relaxed and then you spend more money - I don't know... but this song came on and it's sorta stuck in my head right now - Almost Lover.... and daughter has been singing this - Rock N Roll... (a catchy acoustic version)... and then I saw the VH1 countdown playing this - Gotta Be Somebody... which for some reason, to me, seems like an odd song for this group to sing but hey, it works - raw emotion + gritty vocals + universal subject = hit!
So next ramble... I was dreaming this morning - an odd amalgamation of stuff... at one point I was in a house that you'd see at the beach - built up off the ground - stilts I guess... but it was an older place... surrounded by foliage and vegetation... and the dance instructor was there - and all the college assistants and we were all busy for some reason... and we needed shells... lots of shells... I'm not sure why. And then there was water... everywhere. Next thing I knew my (ex) father in law was there and everyone else was gone and we were sitting on the porch and he was talking and he was crying and I was crying and we hugged. And then I was in a car, driving to a dance competition and the building was huge - and the ladies in charge started shutting off lights and told everyone to go down to the basement and I had to walk through all these class rooms while dance teams where warming up - and I finally met up with the others from our group and it was at the top of a swimming pool... and in the swimming pool were girls practicing for a synchronized swimming routine - and the coach/instructor looked at me and said, "After we're done here we're going to the BEACH!" Then I woke up... odd huh?
And I have been the most clumsy person lately - my hands are all cut up... all self inflicted. I've cut my own hands with my fingernails (which aren't even all that long) three times and I slashed my finger doing the dishes Friday. Now I have a huge purple/green bruise on my right leg just below the knee and I'm not even sure when I did it! I'm a hazzard to my own health...
And that woman in California who had the eight babies - and already had six at home? My goodness gracious - issues anyone?!? I don't dare get started on that one yet... it will take me all day and I have to work today! I need a shower (pee eww) first though... Happy Sunday!
2.06.2009
Appomattox
I’ve always loved the Peanuts… you know the comic strip… but let me sorta put that into some sort of context… I’ve always loved the specials that come on television during the holidays – the Christmas and Thanksgiving ones… there is a Valentines one I think (ugh) and oh, Halloween… can’t forget that one… “I demand restitution!” I love Charlie Brown – so hopeful and sure that somewhere around the next turn things will even out… willing to try, try again… naive… trusting… good. Even when Lucy pulled the ball away time and time again he still got up and was willing to try one more time. I've tried to be like Charlie Brown - I promise I have, but lately though I’ve decided I feel more like Pig-Pen… a cloud of dust following me everywhere and settling on each and everything I touch….
I know I know I know… another poor pitiful excuse for a blog entry… I know. What am I bitching about now? I’m not bitching… I’m waving the white flag, admitting defeat – this is my Appomattox. My way isn’t working… none of the ways I’ve tried have worked. I’ve put my nose to the proverbial grindstone… I’ve worked on me… I’ve forged ahead… I’ve taken each defeat in stride… gotten back up, I’ve let go of so much… and ya know that’s just not good enough I guess. That phrase “hitting rock bottom” gets thrown around – and mainly with folks who are living destructive lives in some way or another… I’m not destructive – I sat in the office of a friend this week… maybe friend is too familiar of a word – I sat with a lady who knows me… knows my situation… knows the story – the struggle – and she’s been there herself. She’s in her 60’s… got her degree when she was 54… and now she is in charge of one of the USC system satellite schools… we were talking about my degree – or lack there of… and she was looking at my academic history, trying to see what was the easiest path to (finally) getting my BA. I need four classes…. FOUR(*). Can’t do them here… have to drive up the road and do it… but yeah four. And we were talking about this – hashing out how and when and where and all that good stuff and she just stopped and said – you’re amazing… I thought – huh? I said - no… I’m not really – and she said you don’t understand how many people I see come through here… none nearly as competent and focused as you – none doing nearly the things you’ve done. So I say this, revisit it, because I’m not a destructive person… I've not quit, I’ve worked hard but ya know? It just doesn't seem to matter - it all just seems to turn into dirt.
I’m not going to ever get ahead… I’m just not. I’ll always be playing catch up… always. I’ve got to accept that. I’m luckier than most – I know that… I know what my blessings are. I just can’t seem to articulate accurately what I mean. Maybe it’s like this – I’d love to go to Paris… or Tuscany – but doesn’t mean I am ever going to be able to make it happen. I may not have the money right now… but I can save for it… make a plan, be diligent by putting away a certain amount every week… a few dollars here and there… and I can be making headway… a growing bank account… but then something happens – you know, life… and I find that I need some of that money for extra dentist appointments, dance costumes, college tuition and books, someone shoots out a window with a bb gun and I have to pay for that… new tires, car repairs… and before you know it is all gone – no Paris… no Tuscany. And it’s like that with anything and everything… not just money but with time too and love… ah love. The opportunity slips away, passes you by and you really couldn’t control it… because there were obligations and responsibilities and variables you couldn’t account for… so what do you do? You surrender…
I surrender - oh, please don’t get me wrong - I’ll keep going, moving forward - doesn’t mean I’ll be getting ahead though. I can’t just stop… I’ve got these people following behind me right now and if I just stop they’ll get backed up and I can’t have them getting backed up… eventually at some point they’ll pass me, I’ll hand off the torch and they’ll take it and go which is what they’re supposed to do. I'll keep plugging along (and when I went to type the work along I instead typed alone...hmmm Freudian slip?) - I just don't have to feel like Charlie Brown while I do it.
* I found out I actually need five classes now... see what I mean!
I know I know I know… another poor pitiful excuse for a blog entry… I know. What am I bitching about now? I’m not bitching… I’m waving the white flag, admitting defeat – this is my Appomattox. My way isn’t working… none of the ways I’ve tried have worked. I’ve put my nose to the proverbial grindstone… I’ve worked on me… I’ve forged ahead… I’ve taken each defeat in stride… gotten back up, I’ve let go of so much… and ya know that’s just not good enough I guess. That phrase “hitting rock bottom” gets thrown around – and mainly with folks who are living destructive lives in some way or another… I’m not destructive – I sat in the office of a friend this week… maybe friend is too familiar of a word – I sat with a lady who knows me… knows my situation… knows the story – the struggle – and she’s been there herself. She’s in her 60’s… got her degree when she was 54… and now she is in charge of one of the USC system satellite schools… we were talking about my degree – or lack there of… and she was looking at my academic history, trying to see what was the easiest path to (finally) getting my BA. I need four classes…. FOUR(*). Can’t do them here… have to drive up the road and do it… but yeah four. And we were talking about this – hashing out how and when and where and all that good stuff and she just stopped and said – you’re amazing… I thought – huh? I said - no… I’m not really – and she said you don’t understand how many people I see come through here… none nearly as competent and focused as you – none doing nearly the things you’ve done. So I say this, revisit it, because I’m not a destructive person… I've not quit, I’ve worked hard but ya know? It just doesn't seem to matter - it all just seems to turn into dirt.
I’m not going to ever get ahead… I’m just not. I’ll always be playing catch up… always. I’ve got to accept that. I’m luckier than most – I know that… I know what my blessings are. I just can’t seem to articulate accurately what I mean. Maybe it’s like this – I’d love to go to Paris… or Tuscany – but doesn’t mean I am ever going to be able to make it happen. I may not have the money right now… but I can save for it… make a plan, be diligent by putting away a certain amount every week… a few dollars here and there… and I can be making headway… a growing bank account… but then something happens – you know, life… and I find that I need some of that money for extra dentist appointments, dance costumes, college tuition and books, someone shoots out a window with a bb gun and I have to pay for that… new tires, car repairs… and before you know it is all gone – no Paris… no Tuscany. And it’s like that with anything and everything… not just money but with time too and love… ah love. The opportunity slips away, passes you by and you really couldn’t control it… because there were obligations and responsibilities and variables you couldn’t account for… so what do you do? You surrender…
I surrender - oh, please don’t get me wrong - I’ll keep going, moving forward - doesn’t mean I’ll be getting ahead though. I can’t just stop… I’ve got these people following behind me right now and if I just stop they’ll get backed up and I can’t have them getting backed up… eventually at some point they’ll pass me, I’ll hand off the torch and they’ll take it and go which is what they’re supposed to do. I'll keep plugging along (and when I went to type the work along I instead typed alone...hmmm Freudian slip?) - I just don't have to feel like Charlie Brown while I do it.
* I found out I actually need five classes now... see what I mean!
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