Let's See...

I don't do this too much anymore - not sure I have the time really and not sure what I have to say is relevant.  It all is what it is - nothing changing, status quo.  Is that such a bad thing?  Maybe not...

My car is in the shop again and I am dependent on the kindness of strangers - well not really strangers but yeah, I'm dependent.  Not sure I like that.  But if the car is gonna be in the shop then this is a good time for it to be there... kids take me to work in the morning - pick me up in the afternoon.  My walking partner brought me home today.  I've broadened my circle of friends some... a pretty cool thing.  More women, no men, but hey, isn't that all the advice I used to get from folks - stop making so many man friends, make women friends, don't worry about men.  So here I am, manless really, and all those folks with the wonderful advice, what are they doing?  With folks of the opposite sex.  Good for them.  Yeah, men - that's a conversation for another day.  I went out last Friday with two good girl friends and we ate good food and drank good wine and then stopped at a coffee shop and drank some really tasty cocktails.  It was fun!

A few months ago, after my Bubba/Gitrdone carefully averted fiasco, my brother made some comments about how cool it was that I could make decisions about relationships based on what was good for me and not loneliness.  Yeah, Bubba would have been a disaster - not sure if I've blogged about that or not - oughta search and see... hold a moment. Nope doesn't look like I have.  Well - long story short: a friend of mine gave a friend hers my number.  He called, twice.  Two long conversations and after the first I thought, huh, sure if he asks me out I'll go and after fifteen minutes into the second conversation I though, hell friggin no.  But  anyway Joshua took to calling him Bubba and my brother took to calling him Gitrdone.  Either way, not a good thing.  So after I didn't answer the third call (not to be ugly but I was busy at the time and couldn't take it) and he never called back - my brother and I have a conversation about why I didn't follow up on the dude.  I just had no energy or desire to involve myself with someone I knew was not a person for me.  And yeah, no law says we can't be friends and trust me, after the first conversation that was my thinking but sheesh, to explain the sheer ickiness of the second call would take all day and  I'm not sure my attention span can handle it at the moment.  You gotta trust me.  When Holly said, "You'll never get rid of this guy - he'll hang around, forever, like luggage."  I thought, yeah, not good. 

So why didn't I follow up?  I had to make a smart choice and to go out with him, to forge a friendship/relationship with him would have involved a lot of neediness. I would have become his caretaker, I would have been the one to hold up his world.  He had baggage - lots and lots of baggage and yeah, don't we all but here's the thing - what we do with our baggage is what's important - he, well he wanted me to carry his baggage for him and give him good lovin' too - eh, no.  I'm capable of the good lovin' thing and I'm all for livin' with some baggage but I'm not takin' it on, I'm not carrying it.  Nope, nuh uh, sorry. Next time I'm in love there's gotta be some give and take - next time I'm in love I have got to get as good as I give.  If not, no point.  I've had enough of that.  Bubba didn't like any of the things I like, Bubba didn't respect my beliefs, Bubba was ever so slightly misogynistic. No. Not for me.

So my brother, what he said was to quote a line from a movie - Some Kind of Wonderful - and it's something like "I'd rather be alone for the right reasons than with somoneone for all the wrong reasons."  The lead girl in the movie sorta changes her tune during the course of the action - at first choosing relationships and friendships for wrong reasons and then realizing the opposite to be true.  I guess, yeah, I've figured it out somewhere along the way.  I'm too old not to have what I want.  I'm too old to settle for something that might feel right at rare moments in time, satisfy a moment of loneliness, or offer me an air of legitimacy.  Maybe this means I'll be alone for the rest of my life... could be.  If so, at least it will be on my terms.

June

I tried to post something at the end of the May but it wouldn't let me - a bummer really since it was my yearly remembrance of Joshua's birthday. It was number 24... so many years have flown by - it's scary, but really pretty awesome. He's a special guy and I love him more than life.

Nothing much has changed down this way, just in case if anyone were to wonder. School has ended for the year - Rebecca is now a junior in high school. How flippin' wild is that? I've not really paid much attention to the "countdown" where she's been concerned. I remember doing it with Joshua - you know how that goes, right? There are x number of  fill in the blanks left until he graduates. I made sure to take extra snapshots, both in my mind and with the camera, and I reminded myself all the time to just enjoy the moment. But truthfully, when it enters my mind now, I'm not really too sure how I feel about it. She's my last, my baby girl, and it will be harder I guess. It is no less exciting though... she's a wonderful person and she has a happiness about her that is infectious. I can't wait to see how she tackles the world!

The braces have come off. She took the SAT for the first time yesterday morning. It was funky watching her walk into the testing school and see her among all the other teenagers preparing for their futures. Friday we leave for a two day dance workshop, something new for her, where she will get an opportunity to take classes from people who are involved with Carolina, where she wants to go to college to study, what else? Dance. I also need to get her started on driver's ed so she can get her license before the start of school in August.

I'm still fighting the good fight at work. I've been there officially now for two years and I truly love the job, even with all the dysfunction and caseload. We are overrun with cases - more now that at any point in the last two years. I'm still hanging out with friends when I get the opportunity. Rebecca and I have taken in a couple of Carolina baseball games and had a blast. Wedding plans are plugging along and I'm waiting to hear how much the rehearsal dinner will set me back. My dress has been ordered and my shoes are here! I love the shoes! They are brown satin and strappy and have a rhinestone broach accent on the left side of each shoe. They make me happy!

I'm still seeing the therapist once a month. I probably will until the wedding. I had thought I probably would until I got settled in a relationship but that may never happen and I don't think it's prudent to keep attending therapy year after year after year in the hopes of having her guide me through something that really may remain unfulfilled. I went to an al-anon meeting a few weeks again and will most likely go to one this week. It was really helpful, listening to the stories and hearing how similar everyone's experience is. I still have a tad of resentment in me that I even have to do this, to get the skills and information needed to help the kids and help myself, but it is what it is I suppose. Life goes on...

And there you have it - an update. I have clothes to fold and Hope Floats is on.. a pretty nice Sunday if I do say so...