Awesome!

We saw Wicked tonight and I have to say it was absolutely awesome. I'm not sure what it was like seeing it in New York but I can't imagine it being any better there than it was here - the folks in this production were spot on and didn't miss a beat. Most definitely well worth the money I spent for all of us to see it.

It struck me tonight as we entered the building to see the play that this is something I wouldn't have done five years or so ago. I would have asked ex if he wanted to see it and he would have said no and I would have left it at that. The idea that I would actually do something, on my own, that he didn't want to do would not have happened. To his credit, he would have had no problem with me going - he just wouldn't have gone. I would have denied myself out of some twisted sense to do it without his input would have been fruitless somehow. I'm not explaining it very well I know. I never had any problem with him doing stuff as a guy, with his friends, without me. It was never about being able to separate from the other... life, living, the marriage, became such a disconnect for the two of us and I guess I just felt like to do anything on my own was making more disconnect - and the fact he was doing everything on his own was, in some way, driving my doing nothing. There was no meeting in the middle so in my misguided mind I gave it all up to cancel out his giving nothing up.

The last several years of our marriage we did nothing together. Previously, the majority of what we did do was stuff that he enjoyed - nothing I did. We saw movies he liked because if we didn't he wouldn't want to go. We didn't go to plays, or concerts. We didn't try new or exotic restaurants. I missed out on a lot of stuff I would have enjoyed and that's my fault, not his. I let myself down... and now, I don't... now I do what appeals to me and I like it.

That was my thought this evening... and as I watched the play I thought of something someone had told me when he saw it. It's interesting when one person's experiences run so parallel with someone elses. I wonder if those two parallel lines could ever converge at some point... a nudge of that line, ever so slightly in the direction of the other, is all it would take. I wonder...

Had a Bad Day...

The theme song for today...

It's sleeting outside - the weather people have been warning us of an impending storm and I will confess I have not believed them because I am a doubting Thomas. Well, at least when it comes to weather predictions I am. We shall see what tomorrow brings. If there is anything to see I will post a picture. If not... well... nothing special to see. right? right.

It was a rough one, I'll be honest. I guess it's not too productive to go into really because it sounds a lot like bitching. It was what it was, I worked through it and did what I could - what I couldn't do will get done on Monday and I have to accept that sometimes I can't fix everything. Breathe... oooooooommmmmmmmm... I need my happy place damnit!

The thing I've noticed lately, which has really struck me as odd for some reason, is I've had a few moments this week when it would have been nice to have someone to talk to - someone to discuss the day with, and I look around and there really isn't anyone. I've had to self soothe, which is not an unfamiliar experience for me. It's lonely though... and then there just happens to be a light, superficial conversation with someone and that feeling dissipates, I'm not so lonely anymore and it's not because I've fallen into some deep emeshed hole - it's just light and fun. My bad day is mine - plain and simple and all that matters is what I do with it. I can say to someone - gee, I had a bad day and someone can say to me - I'm sorry to hear that... and we can move on from there. Bad days no longer define me. They once did, I will admit - but no longer. Free at last, free at last...!

Wicked... and Assorted Sundries...

Sunday night we are seeing Wicked! Woot! I just purchased two extra tickets so Joshua and Holly can go (totally unsolicited by them) - gee, you'd think I had more money these days?!? Like I got some sorta raise in my salary or somethin'? Seeing Wicked is an opportunity we don't get everyday around here. Joshua could probably live the rest of his life and not miss the experience but I think he'll like it once he sees it. He's much more cultured than he lets on....

I'm tired... we had court today and it went well but preparing for court requires a fair amount of concentration. I'm only working an hour and a half more a day but gee... my... whew. I'm happy though... content. I've had something on my mind, not weighing on me in any way, just there. I'm also hearing that little voice... the one that says to me, just be patient. It's the answer to the question - well maybe not the answer, maybe the assurance to wait because an answer will come... one day... on God's time not mine. It's always been about God's time, always. Perhaps I've finally gotten to some point where I finally understand that and accept it. Maybe, I've just thrashed about and fought it for so long I'm just worn out - but I don't feel worn out. Actually, I feel liberated. free. light. A far cry from worn out, wouldn't y'all say?

It perplexes me, if I'm honest. I sitting here on some kind of summit and I'm wondering, was it really so hard to get here? It's like when you exercise - go for a really long walk up hills, down hills, going along at a might quick clip and you just don't think you're going to survive it... and you're promising yourself that if you make it you're never gonna do it again - and then... you're there - and those endorphins kick in and you feel awesome and you can breathe so deeply and effortlessly and you're ready to go - again... not that I'm ready to go through more pain... that's not it - gee, not a great analogy I guess. But actually, really, it is. It's not so much that I want to do it again but more so that I know I can do it... and I did do it... and I survived it... excelled in spite of it... because of it.

I like where I am, I like this vantage point. For now, I'm just gonna enjoy the view.

Fluffy

Sunday night... were did the weekend go? I must confess I spent a lot of it sleeping... sleeping early, sleeping late. I haven't done too much in the way of housework (which I had ever intention of doing) and I feel horrible about that. Truly. I did take the trash to the dump today and bought groceries. I made breakfast for us all and I made dinner for Rebecca and me. Well... ok, fine. I made a frozen pizza for Rebecca and me. The kids and I ate at PF Changs last night to celebrate my new full time position and then we caught a movie - Sherlock Holmes. I bought dinner and Joshua bought the movie tickets. Dinner was good - a tad expensive - but pretty good. The movie I liked. I get that it's not horribly accurate but it was interesting and well done. Bring on the sequel! Next weekend Rebecca and I have tickets to see Wicked! I'm so excited!

Let's see... what's been on this slightly off mind lately? Nothing. Really. I've been very busy and perfectly content. Life is "normal" I would say. I've got to start paying attention more to what I'm eating these days though. I'd gotten into a routine where I was eating well - careful about my intake - and while I wasn't exercising regularly I was doing something at least once a week. Since Christmas I've been an eating machine and really busy - a recipe for disaster. It's driving me crazy! Doesn't help I bought a tiny little pint of coconut/pineapple ice cream and it's calling my name. ARGH! What the hell was I thinking. I'm definitely feeling very fluffy these days...

I need to get off my butt and get this weight off. My clothes still all fit (at the moment) but they don't look as nice and if I don't get a handle on my pigginess then I'm done for... I refuse - do you hear me - REFUSE - to purchase clothes in a bigger size. The trick is to eat breakfast and lunch and enough healthy snacks so that dinner is a tiny little thing. Water - lots and lots of water helps... and walking (which is gonna be the tough one). Sheesh... and I'd really love some popcorn right now. Or some hot tea.

Anyway... February approaches... what would be my 23 anniversary - but oh well. I'm anticpating it will be just another day based on the way I've been the last few months. I need a valentine though - any volunteers?

Convention 2010

The dance convention was great as usual. She did a lot of dancing and I think she learned a lot. We all went out to the beach today to take pictures (like we always do) and again I got some great ones... she really can be a ham when the mood strikes!

I am exhausted. Weekends are supposed to be relaxing and laid back - an opportunity to sleep in a little and take things slow - there is no laid back at the dance convention, there is only movement - movement - movement. Last night we ordered pizza and ate cheesecake and laughed. We did get to sleep in this morning! It was awesome!

The convention is nothing but back to back dance classes - rooms packed full of girls and guys learning choreography very quickly. It's fast paced and can be very challenging - here's a tiny taste -

(ok, it's not working.... I'll get back to it - ok... now it works - go figure...)

Tomorrow I start work officially as a full time employee. I was hired to work 30 hours a week - a few weeks ago I was asked if I would consider full time (which is 37.5 hours a week) and I said yes. I couldn't turn it down - it's not easy to make happen and I would eventually have had to go full time anyway. I'm just doing it a year or so earlier than I would have liked. The only snag is picking Rebecca up from school and getting her to dance but I think I have that covered - grandmothers have agreed to help me - which is wonderful. I, however, am not used to asking for help, getting help, or accepting help. It's a growing experience I suppose...? I plan to use this extra money to build up my savings account and work on stashing a way funds for Rebecca's looming college education. I am planning to splurge on myself though - I'm going to buy a new camera! I'm going to get a fancy camera... one I have to study the manual to use. I'm not sure when I'm going to get it - but I will get it... mark my words!

Heavens! It's getting late - sweet dreams!

Sunrise at the Beach

Okie Dokie

Well... I see it has been six days since I last posted. Ouch. I guess after coming down from the month long posting I needed a break. Life is back in full swing now which means evening exhaustion sets in early. Once we return from dance and eat, wash a load of clothes, put my jammies on and wash my face... make sure homework is done... I'm ready for beddy-bye. Dream Land. Sleepy Time. Ya feel me? Ya pickin' up what I'm layin' down? I thought so .

I'm trying to get all things ready for our yearly pilgrimage to the dance mecca of South Carolina - Myrtle Beach (lol). We trek across the state to spend a weekend of back to back to back to back dance classes. It's long, it's exhausting, it's a blast. Folks will say I'm living too much through my daughter but hey, I enjoy it myself. It's fun to watch Rebecca dance, fun to watch the dancers who teach these master classes. Several of us, including Allyson the studio owner, rent a house on the beach. It's great company - we all just hang out and laugh and talk. Spending this time with Rebecca is a great privilege - one day, a few years from now, we won't be planning this trip anymore so I'm enjoying it all while I can. We sing and talk while I drive the three and a half hour haul and I really believe these little excursions of ours have kept us grounded and close. It's been a big part of what's kept us both sane during and after the divorce. I'm not an expert by any means but I think it's worked for us. The kids are in such a great place because I have invested this time and energy into them. I'm in a great place partly because I've invested this time and energy into them. Win/Win - eh?

Me, well, I'm still pluggin' along. Things are still good. Work is stressful this week with court on Thursday - and a few snags dealing with that. I'm having a tiny dilemma with a dear friend - someone who keeps beating a dead horse - holding on to behavior that's destructive and self defeating - and I understand it all too well. When someone goes through a divorce there is this hole - this emptiness - that needs to be filled - it aches to be filled. The pain is so great... and people respond to it in any way that appears to fill it. It's desperation... and here's the thing, the therapist backs me up on this. She called it desperation and I said OMG - that's it, exactly - the perfect, perfect word to describe it. It takes work to realize that the hole can only get filled by yourself... intellectually you can know... but facing the pain and actually feeling it is a different matter. But we all figure it out on our own time, if we do at all... and while it makes me sad for my friend, I don't let it affect me... I can't. I've come too far.

There you have it... me... today... night y'all.

Chilly Willy

It has been a very chilly week! There is even talk of... gasp... snow. I will believe it when I see... definitely not counting any snowflakes before they crystallize. Snow here is such a novelty - we had a beautiful display of it last year, the very first of March. The several years before that we had no snow at all. The problem we often see here is ice... and boy does ice stop everyone cold (hehe) in his or her proverbial tracks 'round here. Snow, and even ice, sure can be a pretty thing to see in the early morning darkness - that's what excites me the most about the prospect of wintry weather. I look forward to the possibility of seeing that again.

We finally finished Rebecca's application for the summer dance program she wants to attend. She's been hesitant about it some... worried she won't be accepted, worried about the audition, worried about being away from home for five weeks this summer. I think it will be good for her and I think she's excited about opportunity to study dance - specifically ballet/pointe/modern - in an atmosphere that's all about the art, and where students are as serious as she is about learning more. Of course, like anything unknown, she's a bit scared. I've not forced her to do this but I have lovingly encouraged her to... I think she worried about "leaving" me for weeks at a time. LOL - I've assured her I will be just fine.

I hope this will be a positive experience for her. Gee, I worry she'll do all this and then not get accepted. I'm nervous for her but trying not to sound it. Her dance teacher, Allyson, is so supportive of her and will be attending the audition with us. It will be best. I know she'll be anxious and I, alone with her, would make it worse. Rebecca has such a wonderful rapport with her dance teacher. It's been a very sweet relationship from the very beginning. Rebecca didn't start dance until she was eight. That's old, really, in the world of girls and dance. She was eight, as I said, and I started her in ballet, tap, and jazz. A few weeks into the dance

year Allyson and her other teacher, Ashley, asked me how long she'd been taking dance. I told them she'd never taken dance before and they looked at each other, with surprise and a tad bit of shock, and told me they couldn't believe that. They said she was so good they thought she' been taking since she was tiny. She has natural talent... I've been fostering it and now it's time to "kick it up a notch" so to speak. If this is what she'd like to do in college, for a career, it's in her best interest to participate in this prestigious program. Prayers and crossed fingers would be appreciated.

The above picture is Rebecca with Allyson - and to the left is the picture we settled on to go with the application. She doesn't look too old in it, not overly made up... just her sweet smiley self!