The ex was diagnosed as clinically depressed about ten years ago. Since then life has been a roller coaster ride... working to keep the marriage together, working to keep the family intact, working to have a fulfilling life while everything around me was falling apart. I held on way too long... I lived through the first affair and when the second one happened I knew it was time to let go, but still I waited and it was almost a year before I finally send the papers to start the divorce. Attending church became a painful thing for me. All that time we struggled with the depression (and I think the bipolar disorder) I held on and waited and prayed and prayed and prayed. But I felt empty. I felt abandoned. God wasn't hearing me, or he was and he wasn't answering. I can remember driving down the road - sobbing - begging for an answer, a direction, something, anything - and finding... nothing, feeling... nothing.
Church became a difficult place for me to be. I had entered the "dark night of the soul" I suppose - my very own little crisis of faith. I resented being there, I resented all the happy families, all the older couples who made it through - I felt like a failure. And yeah, yeah I know church is the exact place for someone to be who feels like that... but it doesn't always work that way.
I've started making an effort to go lately. Daughter is getting to the ripe old age of confirmation and I didn't want her to be neglected - I wanted to give her the same opportunity her brother had. She can make her own decisions about her religious beliefs when she is older but I don't want her to look back and feel she didn't have the chance - during her baptism I promised to raise her in the church - her father did too but he abandoned his faith a while back - so I must keep my promise.
Today we had a guest minister - someone who leads our service several times a year. He is a wonderful speaker... soft spoken - funny.... he has an "everyman" approach but he's also obviously well read. Today he spoke about pasts and futures - something I needed to hear. He said that God wants us to trust in Him. He wants us to surrender to His will... to lay it all before Him. The minister said God doesn't charge us with a task - doesn't set us on a path - without giving us the tools to use to accomplish those things. I'm holding tight to that... especially right now. So much is changing - so many things are lost... there has to be a reason... a plan. I just really have no idea what it is right now. I have moments when I see so clearly I must surrender and let go - not gun for an outcome (as someone is fond of telling me). But it all feels so complicated and I get scared... and instead of letting loose my grip I hold on tighter... can I ever really let go? Can I ever really trust myself - trust God - and finish what's been started?
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