Where Is Bottom?

Sometimes it becomes glaringly clear to me I have nothing - no direction, no connection - nothing to hold onto for me. I have obligations and I have responsibility - I have people looking to me for answers and I have none and I feel like I'm faking everything. I feel hopelessly adrift at sea... the clouds have moved in - the weather has turned eerie and cold... and all I really want is a warm body - a soft voice - a kiss to my cheek... a shoulder on which to lay my head - someone who knows me and gets me and desires me above anyone else. But I don't have it... so the ache comes and I fight back the tears and I keep going - smile plastered on my face for the little girl who is rapidly becoming a woman - the girl who needs me because I am all she has....

My husband left two years ago - the divorce was final this November. It was also at that time I lost someone I had become close to - someone I had finally forged a relationship with I felt comfortable being me around. He has his own host of problems to deal with - his own demons to face - but he's chosen not to so he pretends and occasionally I get pulled into it and it drains me. In the summer I started talking to someone I just simply clicked with... someone who fascinated me and challenged me - someone to whom I am terribly attracted. We traded emails and chats and the fascination grew and the desire to know more grew and he felt the same way. But he is in an impossible situation - trying to figure out where it all fits - and while we still talk to one another it's changed. He no longer seeks me out because he can't - to do so would put him in the position where he might make a decision about me that puts all other choices and decisions in jeopardy. He can't be for me what he wants to be - I can't have from him what I most desire. I am left longing ... wondering...

Last week I learned my job was changing and I no longer fit the requirements to fulfill it - at the end of the school year I will be dismissed - no contract for me. After nine years of doing a job that often frustrated but just as often rewarded me I am no longer needed or wanted here. It's all very complicated - the politics of it are unfolding slowly yet predictably and the reality is becoming that my livelihood and my ability to single parent effectively are in danger. A new job means potentially new hours - a new schedule - a new way of life for my daughter and me. The people dismissing me for lack of qualifications are themselves unqualified for their jobs - how funny is that?

So then there is the son - the college boy - BMOC - who suddenly can't manage his checkbook - money is tight and he's overdrafted his account twice. He refuses to see the dynamics in this family have changed and now I have the unpleasant task of letting him fail - of letting him figure his way out of it because he didn't learn the first time with my help so now he's got to learn on his own. All this happens while the father - the sperm donor at this point - is blissfully oblivious, living with his skanky whore and breathing a sigh of relief because mommy and daddy bailed his ass out of legal trouble and fixed his job issues. Ain't life grand?

The cliche always goes - when you hit rock bottom you have no where to go but up - well folks, I am waiting for rock bottom. I lost my marriage and all that entails - I've lost two men in four months who meant the world to me each in his own unique way - I've lost my job and now I have to search for another and revamp the way I've run the household - I've got a son who needs to get his head out of his girlfriend's ass and learn to prioritize not only his money but other things in his life - I have a daughter rapidly becoming NOT a little girl... without a father - and on top of it all, I need a new roof. So folks ... what else? One of us could become seriously ill... my bank account could become depleted... I could lose the house.... the dog could die.... the car could have major issues.... I still have more that could happen - more that could sink me farther - more that could ruin me... so where does it stop? I feel like I am sliding and digging my fingernails in to stop the rapid descent... but it's not working... nothing is working. When do you just let go? When does it all end? When does the sun begin to shine and the clouds lift and the calm seas return? When?

I want ease and peace. I want ice cream and cake with buttercream frosting. I want to sit in a theatre watching a play - my arm in the crook of someone else's and I want to cry at the beauty of the music. I want steak and sauted mushrooms and salad and sweet tea. I want to sit beside someone on the couch on a rainy day, reading a book or watching a football game or just laughing. I want to watch my daughter dance on stage, and when that one little tear escapes from my eye because I am so proud I can't contain it any longer, I want someone to put an arm around me because he is feeling it too. I want to sit at the beach and read. I want to be kissed and told I'm missed. I want, I want, I want - I want simple things... I want to marvel at the beauty in simplicity - the flow of simplicity. I vaguely remember it... I once experienced it... I dream about it still.... can I ever experience it again - or do I have to hit absolute rock bottom before I do?