Today I go to the Unemployment Office - there is an "unresolved issue" involving my claim and I have to go find out what it is. This is all so complicated and it makes me wonder how anyone ever does it. I'm educated, I'm smart and have common sense yet this whole thing is perplexing me and making my head spin. If my employer paid into this unemployment insurance thing then why is it so difficult for me to claim it? I'd really rather have a job - but there are restrictions on what I can and can't do. I refuse to get caught up in a job where it wants me more and more while my daughter suffers. I'm all she has here at home and I refuse to send her off to grandparents more and more.
I was thinking about all of this last night. I feel like I have no control in my life. Control being a huge issue... or perhaps I should say the letting go of control. I've come to the realization that I don't have control... and I'm not supposed to but... (always a but) aren't I supposed to have a certain amount of control? I can control what I do in regard to looking for a job... but I suppose I have no control over whether or not someone hires me. I almost feel like an observer to my life instead of an active participant - somewhat like the weaker half of a conjoined twin. I get carried along -my stunted limbs and awkward positioning making it difficult to fully interact with my environment. I wish someone would just cut me free, let me live or die on my own. Or maybe that's exactly what's happened... maybe the divorce and the job and the loss of people in my life, maybe that's cutting me free... and I'm weak and my muscles have atrophied and I really just can't stand on my own. Maybe I'm nothing but chicken shit.
I hate this time of day - it's a quarter after eight in the morning - just took daughter to school so it's quiet and I'm by myself, all things I'd normally enjoy, but now, not working, not being active, it's the worst because I feel like I should be doing something. I should be at a job, busy. And I'm here and it's the same and the worries creep in and the defeat tastes just awful and all I want to do is sleep. But I can't... what's the old adage, "No rest for the weary" or perhaps it's the variant "No rest for the wicked." 'Cause to be honest I still can't shake the feeling I've done something, either in this life or a previous one, and I'm being punished. I just can't figure out what it is....
I was thinking about all of this last night. I feel like I have no control in my life. Control being a huge issue... or perhaps I should say the letting go of control. I've come to the realization that I don't have control... and I'm not supposed to but... (always a but) aren't I supposed to have a certain amount of control? I can control what I do in regard to looking for a job... but I suppose I have no control over whether or not someone hires me. I almost feel like an observer to my life instead of an active participant - somewhat like the weaker half of a conjoined twin. I get carried along -my stunted limbs and awkward positioning making it difficult to fully interact with my environment. I wish someone would just cut me free, let me live or die on my own. Or maybe that's exactly what's happened... maybe the divorce and the job and the loss of people in my life, maybe that's cutting me free... and I'm weak and my muscles have atrophied and I really just can't stand on my own. Maybe I'm nothing but chicken shit.
I hate this time of day - it's a quarter after eight in the morning - just took daughter to school so it's quiet and I'm by myself, all things I'd normally enjoy, but now, not working, not being active, it's the worst because I feel like I should be doing something. I should be at a job, busy. And I'm here and it's the same and the worries creep in and the defeat tastes just awful and all I want to do is sleep. But I can't... what's the old adage, "No rest for the weary" or perhaps it's the variant "No rest for the wicked." 'Cause to be honest I still can't shake the feeling I've done something, either in this life or a previous one, and I'm being punished. I just can't figure out what it is....
1 comment:
You know, I remember that fall of 2006 when I would drive the kids to school, then I would come home, and it would be so weird. I would do my online job search, and yes, I remember how hopeless it felt sometimes. And I remember going to see my employment counsellor, her name was Linda, and thinking, as I was sitting at her desk, "she's lucky, she has a job," and also meeting the tech guy there, his name was Jonathan, and thinking the same thing as he helped me with my résumé, and that's how my whole world was filtered.
Be strong, pal, I'm thinking about you...
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