I hate sinking days ... those days when it feels like everything - all of it - is being sucked into a giant sinkhole. All of it's lost. I look around and I'm not sure how to get it back, or fix it or move forward... no idea where to turn or who to talk to because in reality there is no one. I really am in this all alone.
I'm such a stupid fool. I'm not sure there is anyone to believe anymore. It's not so much that I think people lie, but I think people say what feels good at that exact moment in time - anything to make the pain go away. They are so afraid of being alone, so afraid... they're falling in the sinkhole and they need someone to hold onto and I guess I'm just stupid enough to be the rope to grab... I'm just stupid enough to let them. I hear all the pretty words... the promises and the declarations... but in reality it's all nothing but chatter... mindless chatter spoken in an attempt to convince someone (me) to spend time and emotion on someone else. I soothe, I restore, I give strength and stamina to continue on - but at what cost? At what cost to me?
First there was number 1 - smooth talker he was and I listened and it felt good and I just closed my eyes and let go. It was fun and wonderful and exciting - for awhile... until better came along... until proper and acceptable came along and I was left stranded. It was never meant to last, I know that, but losing it before I was ready was hard. All because of "what I am not who I am" which to me was nothing but crap - what I am is who I am and visa versa - they can't be separated out. It's just the way it is.
Then there was number 2 - ohhhh number 2... not sure how to even describe that one... ill fated and lost to me before it even began. I wasn't looking for it, didn't expect it but was ever so grateful I found it. I really thought this one was potentially the best thing I'd ever known... emotionally matching me, yearning for the same things, an appreciation of who we were, what we wanted, a truly amazing man... I was cautious, didn't just jump in, he didn't make promises but he assured me everything I was feeling he was feeling too. Love was blossoming... and then it was gone, denied, sequestered.
And then number 3 (not really 3rd, not really on the list, just one more example, verification) - bold declarations of love and lust I knew were premature - I knew it was distraction - knew what role I played - and I was smart this time, I didn't encourage it. I kept it all on the surface - didn't believe any of it - because I knew... I knew what would happen so I didn't rely on it, didn't embrace it - and guess what? All turned out exactly how I thought it would... good thing I didn't buy into any of it.
I guess I've learned. I guess I figured it out - and so now what do I do with the lesson? I still believe in love I just don't believe it exists for me. And I suppose the lesson learned is to not engage, not open myself, not rely on anyone not even a tiny little bit. Because when I'm hurting and in desperate need of a shoulder, a smile, a touch there are none - there is only silence and coldness. It's great that so much works out for everyone else. Lost love returns, new love is found... for everyone else - and I'm happy for them, I really am... it's just time for me to accept my reality. It is a sum/zero game - this life. Some are blessed, others are not....
I'm such a stupid fool. I'm not sure there is anyone to believe anymore. It's not so much that I think people lie, but I think people say what feels good at that exact moment in time - anything to make the pain go away. They are so afraid of being alone, so afraid... they're falling in the sinkhole and they need someone to hold onto and I guess I'm just stupid enough to be the rope to grab... I'm just stupid enough to let them. I hear all the pretty words... the promises and the declarations... but in reality it's all nothing but chatter... mindless chatter spoken in an attempt to convince someone (me) to spend time and emotion on someone else. I soothe, I restore, I give strength and stamina to continue on - but at what cost? At what cost to me?
First there was number 1 - smooth talker he was and I listened and it felt good and I just closed my eyes and let go. It was fun and wonderful and exciting - for awhile... until better came along... until proper and acceptable came along and I was left stranded. It was never meant to last, I know that, but losing it before I was ready was hard. All because of "what I am not who I am" which to me was nothing but crap - what I am is who I am and visa versa - they can't be separated out. It's just the way it is.
Then there was number 2 - ohhhh number 2... not sure how to even describe that one... ill fated and lost to me before it even began. I wasn't looking for it, didn't expect it but was ever so grateful I found it. I really thought this one was potentially the best thing I'd ever known... emotionally matching me, yearning for the same things, an appreciation of who we were, what we wanted, a truly amazing man... I was cautious, didn't just jump in, he didn't make promises but he assured me everything I was feeling he was feeling too. Love was blossoming... and then it was gone, denied, sequestered.
And then number 3 (not really 3rd, not really on the list, just one more example, verification) - bold declarations of love and lust I knew were premature - I knew it was distraction - knew what role I played - and I was smart this time, I didn't encourage it. I kept it all on the surface - didn't believe any of it - because I knew... I knew what would happen so I didn't rely on it, didn't embrace it - and guess what? All turned out exactly how I thought it would... good thing I didn't buy into any of it.
I guess I've learned. I guess I figured it out - and so now what do I do with the lesson? I still believe in love I just don't believe it exists for me. And I suppose the lesson learned is to not engage, not open myself, not rely on anyone not even a tiny little bit. Because when I'm hurting and in desperate need of a shoulder, a smile, a touch there are none - there is only silence and coldness. It's great that so much works out for everyone else. Lost love returns, new love is found... for everyone else - and I'm happy for them, I really am... it's just time for me to accept my reality. It is a sum/zero game - this life. Some are blessed, others are not....
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