Get Over It

I've not talked about graduation other than to recount the pride and joy I felt watching my oldest receive his degree. And in all honesty and truth that is what I will remember - the pride and love I felt sitting there. Yes, ex was there - sitting on the other end of the row we were all sitting in, he didn't speak much and looked very uncomfortable. He seemed to be having some problems with anxiety, at least he was behaving the way I remember he used to get when he felt anxious. It didn't affect me, didn't diminish in the least how I was feeling. I was true to my word - I didn't let any one's feelings or actions take away from any enjoyment of the day. We all ate dinner the night before and I was kind and cordial - I kept my distance, yet responded appropriately when spoken to... to put it simply, I was nice.

But a lot has been happening... and I'm feeling like a lot is being asked of me and I don't have as much warm fuzzies in me as they all seem to think I do. I got roped into eating at the in laws house on Easter Sunday and ex was there. It was uncomfortable and I didn't like how I felt while I was there. I can't pretend none of this ever happened and I think that's what my ex mother in law wants me to do - and because neither her husband nor her son will disappoint her they pretend and so, they all think I should too - but I can't and I won't. I just don't feel comfortable making a "family" dinner a habit. And so this week when she asked if we'd like to come by for dinner after church (in honor of daughter's confirmation I guess) I declined. If they had wanted the kids to come that would have been fine... I can do the big things - the graduations, the weddings... and I suppose that perhaps confirmation should be a big thing - and here at our house it was - but something just feels so damn wrong about sitting across the table from him like nothing ever happened.

Then this morning - I walk into church and there he is, sitting down front with his mommy... the proud and involved papa... there to see his daughter's confirmation. Nice that he was there - it's the first thing of hers he's been to in five years... he's not been to a dance recital or school concert... he doesn't speak to her during the week and he never makes plans to see her unless he can make plans to see son too... so when son was at school he'd go two, three weeks without seeing her - and he now lives less than ten minutes away. Yeah - so... it would have been nice to know he was going to be there. But it's typical that I not know... it's typical that no one tell me. You see, we don't speak. We don't coordinate anything to do with the kids together. He has his mommy, she fills him in, and if she doesn't know it then he doesn't know it because he never calls me. And yes, I suppose I could call him but ya know? I got the message loud and clear that he doesn't want to work with me, so I just don't trouble myself. His mom likes it this way, he likes it this way. It all changes so much - he went from having very little emotional contact with his children for the last ten years or so, to having very little physical contact with them, to now he comes and goes when he feels like it. There is no consistency - and since he left us three years ago I've worked hard to re-establish some consistency in our lives. We'd lived so long without it. His sporadic ins and outs mess with that. He left us for another life, and now here he is back again. We didn't stop living because he was gone, and I'm not sure what he expects now, and I'm not sure how long he'll stick around... and I really don't want him to hurt the kids again.

It was so nice that the prodigal son returned to church - people coming up to him, hugging him, telling him how nice it is to see him, have him back home... yeah sure... it's a wonderful thing. Not that I'd expect anyone in church to stone him... of course not. People don't know the whole story... and that's fine... but I know. And I know how he made me feel and I know what I went through and I know all the mess I've had to clean up - I know the terror I felt about raising my kids alone, and managing money and putting one through college and keeping the other in private school. I know all the cutting things he said to me, and the looks, and all the while the lies and the disrespect.

And I will be honest... brutally honest - it pains me sometimes when I see the kids be kind to him. I'd never tell them that. And if I ever witnessed them being disrespectful to him I'd take them to task... but I'm human - and he's hurt them and he's hurt me... and sometimes I think about how nice it would feel, just once, to have someone stand up for me... someone from the outside to look at him and tell him, be honest with him, about all he's done - how much he's hurt me, hurt the kids... but that won't happen. I have no one.

So yes, I'm sure some reading this will say I've not gotten over it, not put it behind me, not forgiven. Perhaps that's true... but I think the way I've lived my life says otherwise. I think the work I've done and the movement forward I've made is proof, if only to me, that I've grown a lot. I'm human - so I have these feeling sometimes - and I'm not going to apologize for them. I felt bad, and it's ok for me to feel bad. I just keep going is all... take a moment to process it and then continue forward... I've gotten good at it.