Muttered Musings at Midnight

I’ve had way too much loss – way too much, how much more? – my life has disintegrated, imploded, exploded, collapsed, vanished, washed away – right out to sea, it’s been mutated and mutilated… migrated and agitated… like an alchemist trying to turn a base metal into gold… I’ve been abandoned and replaced, used and debased… torn into tiny bits and put back together in a disheveled mess, pieces missing leaving gapping holes, left hopeless and hapless and all alone, head buried in a tear stained pillow to muffle the sleep inducing cry… sobs in the shower to cleanse the soul as well as the body – step out of the tub clean and plaster on a smile… I’ve been naïve, believing in words and deeds… believing in love and trust, wonder and lust, mystery and faith, honor and space, believing Believing BELIEVING in so many lines… thinking surely Surely SURELY it all can’t be lies, realizing Realizing REALIZING it is and finally Finally FINALLY accepting the truth… it’s all one big ruse … it’s a club… a secret club – an exclusive club, one for which I am not deemed worthy of admittance… I lack the breeding, the sophistication, the talent, the beauty, the education, the papers, the pedigree… my invitation just didn’t come… someone else had higher priority than me… so I stand alone in this fight, it’s what I’m supposed to do – right? Isn’t that what they say – to rely on yourself, be whole in yourself, comfortable and content all the way? When I’m whole and fixed it is then I can share that whole me with another – all will fall right into place – advice that comes from broken others sharing broken selves with broken lovers, why not me? Ahhhh well they say… you don’t “fit” – too old, too far, timing is a bitch… be there for me they say without words… and I’ll be there for you but… but… but… don’t call me I’ll call you… friends? With benefits? No silly… friends with complications – unspoken wants and desires, ignored, locked away, possible love saved for another day – golly gee, is it me? Is it all just another way to be let down - a romantic play, a play on words, a song with a haunting melody echoing to me…? “Somewhere…” I’m tired, I’m drowning… the salty sea engulfs me… waves crash and knock me off balance, laughing as I sputter for air… laughing as I flounder and flail… conspiring to hit me again when I am unaware… as I expend all my strength to recover from the first onslaught they huddle and whisper and smile and cut their eyes, watching for the most (in)opportune time… what if I’m the little girl crying wolf and this is nothing compared to what’s coming… three wishes and they are all used up… who’s gonna help you now hmmmmm? Save them, save them for a rainy day… so many more days to go… the flood will come, you’ll be glad you know… I’m not accustomed to reaching out – he’s right… I’m not… it doesn’t turn out… all for naught it seems… she can handle it they say… pish… this is nothin’ she’s strong and of hardy stock, she’s resourceful and bright and she’ll come out on top… and even if someone should want to help – well she’s got that independent streak you know… it would be an awfully hard sell… so… so… so… we’ll just leave her alone to fend for herself – a character builder if nothing else… I saw an old couple today, standouts among the young… weather beaten, life beaten, faces full of stories – countless untold stories – written there for all to see in a language not commonly understood… a language I suspect only spoken and understood by them… a language unique and beautiful… they were clasping hands… I smiled. – they smiled, going our separate ways taking with them the secret and leaving me an ache, an envy, an appreciation… I want a hand to hold - a strong hand, a comforting hand, one to dwarf my own … even if only through a spoken word for now…