Parenting 210

The son is 21 - an adult, officially in every way, yeah well except that he's still in college and I still pay for it... but that should end in May when he graduates. He's changed his direction in regard to school - he was going for two degrees and has decided after summer school the second degree wasn't what he wanted to do after all. He was worried I would be disappointed - worried I would react badly. He apologized for "wasting" the money for summer school and I explained to him that I didn't see it as a waste - that he had to try it to see if it was what really interested him. After all this is his life... he has to live it... it's not mine. I've got enough on my plate just living my life, let alone trying to live his - HA! I'm just proud he's done well, done his best, kept pushing through. He's a smart boy - intuitive, inquisitive, introspective.... compassionate, caring, courageous... fearless, funny, fair... loyal, logical, lusory... he's my boy and I love him.

After he graduated high school he started working for a masonry company (his grandfather is second in command there) doing work on site during the summer and between college semesters. He makes good money for a summer job but not a whole lot to support himself or anyone else. The work is really just grunt work... he does manual labor - in the heat. He gets dirty, he stays sweaty. It doesn't take a lot of thought, this work, he just does what he's told - the brawn as opposed to the brain... in short - it's not fun. The first day he did this work he came home covered in dirt and sweat and said, "I don't want to do this for the rest of my life." And I said, "Good - you learned the lesson." He jokingly, rhetorically really, asked if he had to go back - and then he smiled - he knew the answer. His site boss loves him - he's a hard worker... he does his job well and when he's done he asks what else he can do - he doesn't disappear to avoid new work... he obviously has a good work ethic.

The first summer he did this his dad wasn't too keen on the idea. He, himself, had tried it once - he didn't like it, quit after just a few days. He said something along the lines he didn't want his son doing such work - it was too hard, too uncomfortable, too menial... in short it was "beneath him." He also felt the people he would be working with wouldn't be acceptable. They were minorities, they were lower income, they were less educated. I was taken aback - shocked really... my opinion was so different. I felt like it would be a good experience for him. It never hurt anyone to work hard, to be dirty and sweaty, to be exhausted at the end of the day through physical exertion. I wanted him to judge how hard he worked against what he earned... to decide if the end result (the paycheck) was worth the effort (his labor). I wanted him to be around people unlike him... I wanted him to see there were all kinds of people - people with different ideas, and different ways of doing things... people who, while they looked differently or spoke differently or carried themselves differently, still had thought provoking things to say... in short I wanted him to see THE WORLD... not just a tiny portion of it.

As a parent it seems to me we spend a lot of time teaching our children theory - theory about life and love and work and people. We tell them the coulds, the shoulds and the how comes... we tell them to look beyond the visible... to not judge a book by its cover - to practice kindness and patience and tolerance. We give them theory about hard work and loyalty... theory about character and reputation, about what we do says more about us than what we say. Theory about overcoming adversity and how "when the going gets tough...." We teach them theory. And often times, more often than not it seems, we discourage the practice of the theory. We shield them from adversity, from pain, from discomfort. We keep them from hard work and disappointment. We indulge and excuse. We sell the theory and then don't buy it ourselves. Does this duplicitousness do them any good - can they hear one thing, see another... can they build a foundation on this?

I am hoping I am right. I am hoping my approach to this has been the right one - I'm hoping the adversity they've had to overcome and the discomfort they've had to feel will make them better people... more confident, more secure, more kind, more understanding - that the theory does work in practice - that their foundation is strong and secure... and that no matter what happens, no matter what life brings - good or bad - that they can face it with a steadfast courage and a humbled heart.