Romanticism

I grew up in a household firmly grounded in reality... actually more cemented into a bucket of reality - and I never truly felt like I fit, sorta the black sheep of the family. My parents are children of the Depression... My mother one of three and my father one of twelve - education was a luxury they weren't afforded and they really didn't understand why it was important to me. Most of the things I found pleasure in were considered silly, or frivolous, or wasteful - living on a dairy farm there was no real down time - no time for exploration and I can remember staring out the window and dreaming.

So I have lived my life battling those two extremes: reality and romanticism. On the outside I am very stoic... very no nonsense ... very aware of the reality of it all. Inside of me though I struggle with this romantic heart. But the romantic heart seems to remain unfulfilled. I want my fairy tale ending I suppose. Don't get me wrong - I am well aware that fairy tales don't come true, they don't exist. I don't think it's that I truly want someone to come and save me and rescue me from some wicked entity that has oppressed me and caused me pain... that's not the fairy tale I long for... that's not the fairy tale I desire. I guess, for me, what I consider to be a fairy tale is what others just consider normality.

I want to wake up in the morning with someone - the one... the person who has vowed to be with me through it all. I want to know that whatever the day brings, whether good or bad or some sort of mixture of the two, that I don't face it all alone... that should a moment come when life feels a tiny (or huge) bit difficult I could just look at another person and see a smile - a reassurance of sorts. I don't need someone to fix it or handle it or make it go away... I just need someone to smile at me. But it's not just the sad stuff, the difficult stuff that I want to share... it would be so wonderful to share happiness and gratitude and love - moments where you feel your heart will burst from sheer joy, moments where all is right with the world and peace and contentment reign... it would be nice at those moments to look at someone else and see a smile... a shared acknowledgement of a blessing... of many blessings.

I would like to spend my day knowing that I had a partner in crime... well maybe not crime but a partner in life... someone to manage the day with... lunches to fix, shopping to be done, one child needs to be here, one child needs to be there... we have a game at 7 and homework before that, and who can coordinate dinner tonight... and through it all a smile. And at night, after all are safely tucked in bed... after all are fed and loved and listened to... after I've washed my face and put on my pajamas, as I am brushing my teeth, I'd like to feel strong, loving hands on my hips... a whisper in my ear. I want my smile to meet his smile in the mirror and I want to walk to bed knowing someone is waiting for me, waiting to envelope me with warmth and love... someone waiting for me to envelope him with warmth and love... a mutual respect, a mutual desire, a mutual love.

Oh don't get me wrong - it's not that I don't think there wouldn't be frowns and tears and a few "fuck yous" thrown in for good measure... but that would be the beauty - that would be the testament. Frowns and tears and fuck yous wouldn't be a portent of coming destruction - it would mean honesty and trust: honesty in feeling and trust in love. The belief that one misspoken idea or thought doesn't mean a mark in the con column... that a difference of opinion doesn't mean doom and gloom. It can be acknowledged and discussed and decided - compromised and then let go. Each disagreement doesn't have to be another brick in a wall of resentment.

So that's it... that's my fairy tale... my pie in the sky idea of love and marriage... my happy ending. Does it exist? I don't know in truth, I don't know. I'd love to find out though....